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Will you resign for marriage?

candydan

Member

My fiance and my dad think my salary is low but work too hard.so they hope me to quit it and get married, but as a woman, I don't want to be a burden in the home after getting married ,What i want is to keep the economic independence, how can I convince my father and fiance?

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16 replies

Latest reply was from Echo

Anonymous

Well, first off are you happy at your current job? Is there chance for advancement?

If not, could you go back to school and train for another career?

Also something to consider is if you want or will be having children. Daycare is a big cost to factor in, and in some cases it makes sense for one parent to stay home if that expense is really large.

These are really important issues that you should make sure are clear before getting married, in my opinion.

(Not an expert but have been together for 16 years, married 12 years with two kids and both of us working the whole time).

Kristin L

Veteran

I think Ceit has some great advice.

You definitely want to make sure you and your fiance are on the same page before you walk down the aisle.

Is there something else that interests you that you can do?

ramya

Veteran

Have I resigned for marriage.. Yes twice. Once to move to a different city after we got married and then to move to different country to be with my DH.

Have I started looking for a job . Yes within a month of each move. I choose to quit cause the work condition didn't let me be with my DH. But personally I can't stay at home because I am depressed.

But further down when we have a family if the situation makes more sense for me to quit working I guess I would.

MsMary

Veteran

Oy. First, it's none of your father's business. Second, you convince your fiance by saying "I appreciate your concern, but I enjoy my job and intend to continue after we are married."

And if that's a problem, you shouldn't be getting married to this guy.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

What Mary said!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I agree with Mary! Of course, I was 37 and VERY independent when I married, so this was a given for me. I encourage you to do some soul-searching about your goals and dreams for your life.

The very first night we met, my husband and I talked about Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet" and the part about how loving one another means protecting each other's solitude -- allowing the other person to be who they are and embrace the space between us, even as the spaces overlap. We try to always keep this in mind as we love and support one another's goals and dreams.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Where do you live that your family wants you to quit and, instead of getting a new job, get married? I quite frankly have not heard of this problem in the USA in, well, decades.

bj1111

Veteran

I'm sorry you are caught in the middle of this difficult situation. Are there cultural issues at play where women are expected to give up their jobs to be a wife and mother? What is your relationship with your father re his opinion informing your decision in other matters either professional or personal? How did your mom handle the job situation?

How about your fiance and his family? Any cultural or other issues?

It is such a complicated situation. My perspective is culturally informed and informed by how i was raised. It may or may not have any bearing on your situation. For what it is worth, i am glad for you that this issue has come up now, as difficult as it is, if only because it allows you to open communicatiion channels with your fiance about this and other issues that will come up...eg how to handle finances in general, how should the kids be raised, what are his views on spanking...hopefully, you have had a chanceto talk about these issues. If not, here is your chance.

rachylou

Veteran

Yes, have to agree with MaryK. Working is not the opposite of being married. You may take time off, you may leave one job for another if you must move your family, but frankly it's important to keep your hand in the game.

Diana

Veteran

What MaryK said! Also, I will add: Do you enjoy your job and do you find it satisfying? If the answer is yes, then definitely do not quit. If you hate it and are just doing it for the money... well, then I still wouldn't quit working altogether, but maybe I'd look around for another job or think about training for a different career.

Irene

Veteran

Hi,

I would understand you quitting your job and finding a new one you like better/suits you better, and would actually appreciate that your partner is not expecting you to bring money at all costs, thus respecting you and your happiness.

I would also understand you quitting your job because your fiance is moving somewhere else (for his job, possibly a higher salary) and you are moving with him, then look for a job in the new place.

I would even understand -though, as a European I don't believe in homeschooling- that you stayed at home to be with your children, although we would be setting foot on sexist territory (why not him quitting his job?).

See, because usually the man has a better salary than his wife/girlfriend, she is the one expected to quit her job when children come around. But that fact only reinforces the idea that women are expected to stay at home, thus their salaries should be lower since working should not be a priority for them.

The truth is, economic independence will set you free. ALWAYS. No matter how low your salary is, it is YOUR salary. That means you can do as you please with that money because it is yours. So, if things go downhill -and this can happen-, you can do something about it. You have the choice to leave. And you won't owe anyone anything. Because, yes, in the end it might come to that. So many women feel trapped in unhappy marriages because they don't have the money to just leave.

Quit your job. Do not quit working.

Thistle

Veteran

I have to say I am shocked that anyone, especially a parent, would want their child financially dependent on a spouse. The 1950s are over, and frankly, thank god for that.

You have to do some serious soul searching. Are you okay with quitting? Way do you want to quit?

You can choose to listen to your father's council or not, but frankly, it isn't his choice. It is yours and your future husbands. You then need to ask yourself if you want to quit and have been giving these signals which is why he is pushing for you to quit. If not, I would question if this is the right person for you.

There are a lot of financial decisions to make for a couple, but they should always be made together, and it feels like a bad sign when you are being pushed into financial dependence.

Irene

Veteran

I forgot to mention how nice it is to feel useful going to a place everyday -provided they treat you well and you like the job-, seeing other people aside from your husband and your husband's acquaintances, having a life of your own where your family is not involved: private jokes with colleagues, arguments, stressful meetings, you name it. It's something you don't share with your partner, and something you can talk about with your partner. You don't want to miss on that.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

...and how nice it is to actually be in a completely different context than household, where you can do completely different things, at different pace, and actually have a feeling you're contributing to something to whatever extent and when you go home you know you have done something.

I've been out of work for family reasons for over a year and plan to go backa s soon as the circumstances allow it. Financial implications are least of my worries with being out of work, however annoying it is to not have second income. It's missing the social contact, the different environment, the work where I felt useful and competent and rewarded, unlike same old chores I do every day at home. I have the highest admiration for stay at home parents after a year of being one. It's not a life for me.

One things that I am not sure if I understood completely is the reasons your fiance and father think you should quit jour job. Is it only because they think you're underpaid? In which case, they should encourage you to look for another job, not be dependant on your spouse. And I also wonder what your mother thinks about the whole idea. My late mum implanted in my head that I have to be able to look after myself and I took it as life fact. Although out of job by choice and need for now, I know I'll always have my degree and experience no matter what.

The only reason I would ever understand anyone's opinions about my working situation is if it was bad for my health - mental and physical. Then - if presented with valid arguments - I'd allow to be advised what to do, even if I didn't ask for it.

Archer

Veteran

I'm with IronK. Have you could write to your national embassy?

Echo

Veteran

I agree that there shouldn't be any convincing that needs to take place. Your father's opinion doesn't matter, and if you need to convince your fiancee that doing what's right for you is right, then he shouldn't be your fiancee at all.

Listen, I am a SAHM and have been for over a decade. I only recently became part-time employed again with the school district so I can keep the same hours as my kids. I have no issue whatsoever with families deciding to have one parent at home (the man or the woman). That's a decision each family makes and I don't think any woman or man has to be employed outside the home if it is a better decision for them to be at home. Never, ever have I felt like a burden, nor has my DH made me feel like I am. Indeed, it would be a burden on us if I were not at home.

But if someone is trying to force you into something you are clearly uncomfortable with, then that's unacceptable to me. You have the right to decide what is best for you, and to have an equal role in deciding what is best for your family. If your DH is insistent that you not be employed outside the home, I think you need to re-evaluate whether you want to marry him. His goals are inconsistent with yours and that is a major red flag in any relationship.