I am so sorry for all that you're going through. I have no words of wisdom. I just hope that you know that you are a strong woman who deserves to be loved and respected. I hope that the meds continue to help Corey. Best of luck to you!!

Michelle,
I don't have any wisdom to add to the collective advice, other than to say that my own experiences provide evidence to support it. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and glad you're in touch with us- I've missed you and was wondering just lack week what you'd been up to! I will keep you in my thoughts .

Nadya

Michelle! I missed you. Just the other day I was wondering where you'd gone, and if you'd gone for good. It's so great to hear (read) you again, although I am sad to discover that you have been dealing with all this heartbreak.

I have no wise words to offer, other than to say that you deserve kindness and respect from your partner. Don't forget that. And don't worry for one second that by writing this post you are "taking without giving" -- life throws curveballs at us sometimes, and we've got to deal with the job that's in front of us. When your life has calmed down (and it will, eventually), you can go back to talking about the fluffy stuff, and commenting on all the pretty clothes. But for now -- well, that's part of what's so great about a forum like this one. All of us are here to listen and offer support.

It sounds like your counselor is helping, and that's good news that Corey is back on his medication. If he can get his crippling depression under control, you will be playing a different ballgame.

You are in my thoughts.

I almost missed this post and for once I thank my lurking habits.

I was wondering what had happened to you.
I didn't read the other members comments and truly I don't feel especially qualified to advice you on what to do, but I just wanted to share something.

We all have the fear of being alone no matter what our challenges in life might be, wether they are physical or emotional. I also think tha if I would divorce I wouldn't stand a chance of rebuilding my life, of functioning by myself.
Every relationship goes trough bad( horrible) moments, when we don't connect anymore, when we let many different things get in our way.And the whole idea that there has always to be a 'spark' is very simplistic to me, our emotions go up and down, our relationships sometimes are great sometimes are horrible.
At the end of the day it is our decision if we want to continue or not.
Now something I can talk from long experience is living with someone with mental issues.A depressed person is always a depressed person, the only way of dealing with it is with medication, like you would do if you would have thyroid problems or some kind of vitamin deficiency. i saw this in my parents relationship and the fact that my mother always believed that one day my father' would Get better ', the fact that he tried to believe that did more bad to their relationship than the depression itself.
I guess my point is that being aware of the whole picture, you are the only person who can decide what you want to do, how important for you it is to fight for this relationship.

I am glad Angie made you write. personally I do care for you and know that in the forum there will be always good advice.

Ladies, I'm going to have to favourite this thread and keep coming back to it, because I know I'll need to have recourse to your collective kindness, support and wisdom over the next little while. Things have gone south remarkably quickly since my last post. Last night was truly dreadful. I bear some of the blame for it by putting him in a situation he wasn't ready to cope with as he continues to adjust to the medication, and I now feel crippling guilt about this. He, however, responded with selfish statements/conduct and a torrent of dark thoughts that just scare me. He truly isn't capable of seeing things rationally right now. He's already saying the meds don't work, even though he's experienced them before and rationally knows it takes longer than four days to kick in. Because of last night I currently feel like we're further apart than ever.
I think the hardest part for me right now is trying to keep the many conflicting messages straight in my head. Which of the hurtful words are the result of the depression? Or the meds? Or how he really feels? Am I right to draw those boundaries or that just hideously simplistic? I also feel overwhelmed by the knowledge that once I deal with the present turmoil, I then have to work through all the larger questions that this phase has raised. I can't immediately remember who said that words spoken in depression haunt the person who heard them. Is that ever true.
Mary: Thank you so much for the book recommendations. I'll absolutely look into that.
Kari and Beth: Thank you for your personal perspective. I suspect Corey would empathize with much of what you've said. Incidentally, time apart is something we tried a bit earlier in the summer...and all I felt when I came back from my friend's cottage was that I was a nuissance in my own home. He's obsessed with the idea of being alone, but didn't take advantage of a week off to go anywhere as he said he wanted to. I think he's just paralyzed. And I know I sure feel that way.

You all help, though. I don't feel loved at home, and admittedly that's what I want most of all...but I do here. Thank you.

More hugs and love, Michelle.

I know it would seem like a huge admission of defeat, but if I were in your shoes at this point I would be seriously considering moving back with my parents while I plotted my next move. Don't let your pride keep you from taking care of yourself.

Oh, Michelle...big big hugs. We are all here in your corner.

Mary, that kind of move isn't logistically possible. My parents have retired to a rural property waaaay out of commuting range for my job in the city.

Ah. That's a shame. In that case, I would be working on a logistics plan to set up housekeeping elsewhere. I just hate the thought of you staying in a horrible relationship because you need Corey's practical assistance, you know?

Sending more hugs!!

Darling Michelle, I am so sorry to learn about such a difficult time you have now. Hugs!!!
I don't have any practical advice to share on living with depression and you already received so much of it here.
What I want to say is don't be afraid to be alone. I think it is much healthier to be alone than to live in a dysfunctional relationship. I understand that your blindness makes it more difficult to live alone and I cannot really comprehend the whole complexity of it but surely there must be ways of doing this. I understand you cannot move in with your parents but maybe they can help you somehow? If going away for a week did not help maybe living apart for some time can give both of you some perspective. You know the saying that when you are face to face you cannot see the face - sometimes distance is the best way to analyze the feelings and decide what is the right cause of action?
Also universe usually fills the void. While you are living in the relationship which is so hard on you all your energy and strength is sapped away by it and you cannot focus on anything else. If you are alone you can focus on building other relationships and it is much more likely to happen.
In any case whatever you decide to do remember what they say on board of aircraft: in case of emergency put an oxygen mask on yourself first and then help others... You are a strong woman and I am sure you will find the right solution, just please take care of yourself!

Just sending more (((hugs))) x

Oh Michelle, I am so so sorry! You have already received more sound advice that I can offer so I will offer my thoughts and prayers. I don't know your religious beliefs but if you are Christian, I believe that God has a perfect plan for each of us and that while we often don't understand the journey, the destination is always His arms. He will provide what you need and in your case, that could include logistical solutions in regard to your living situation. Just ask Him.

Michelle, after we chatted the other night, I thought of something else that might help you (or, when he is in the right frame of mind to hear it, Corey.) One very wise thing that my doctor said to me (over a year ago at the worst crisis of my depression, when my relationship was also at the point of destruction over how I'd acted while depressed and the fact that I let it go on so long without being willing to get treatment) was her observation that I was coming to her with this perspective as if I could just will myself into being better, into not being depressed, into not having a chemical imbalance in my brain. I was beating myself up for being weak enough to slide into a deep depression after many years of being in a "well" state of mind.

She said that I needed to take this situation, this illness, as seriously as a diagnosis of a heart defect or diabetes, because it was nearing the point of being life-threatening. And part of taking it seriously is realizing that it's NOT a moral failing or inability of willpower that I suffer from depression - that part is biological and out of my control - but what I can control is trying to take steps to treat and prevent it. That means taking an antidepressant for now (I've been back on them ever since), trying to address the factors that tend to worsen the depression (among other things this means getting regular exercise to build endorphins, taking a sleep aid so that I don't suffer from insomnia on top of it all, and using a SAD lamp in fall and winter when I'm most negatively impacted by the lack of daylight.) It also means watching for signs and patterns of a depression coming on, and enlisting the help of my loved ones not only to be a source of support, but to help me recognize those signs too when I'm not able to see them myself. Part of the reason that my depression was so deep last time was because I ignored the warning signs, and ignored the observations of family members who had seen me go through it before and were worried about me.

So far, that plan has been helping me to keep on an even keel ever since that low point. Even when I was deeply sad, frustrated, or stressed over tough situations, it was within the normal spectrum of emotions and not the dark, critical lows that come with a prolonged clinical depression.

I'm so, so sorry that it's so rough right now. I'm thinking and praying for you and Corey. I was able to see him at his best when Celia and I met with the two of you for dinner, and it makes me so sad that he's in such pain - and I'm devastated by what you're going through, Michelle.

I hope that you know how very much you are loved around here. I know it doesn't help make matters better at home, but our love is there nonetheless.

Thank you all for your ongoing kindness.
Kari, you are so right about the lack of moral failing associated with depression. I've tried to make this point to Corey so many times, but right now he's too far gone to hear me, I think. In the years since his suicide attempt he was more vigilant than ever before about watching for warning signs, maintaining reasonable work/life balance and generally avoiding triggers that could send him down the wrong track. What he didn't do, however, was address issues that were festering below the surface. I didn't push it much either, and in that sense I'm equally to blame. Part of what's broadsided me so much recently is that he did ignore all the warnings and reached this horrible low. It's something we'll have to address one of these days.

I've written him a letter in which I've said everything I can't say now. When I try to verbalize my emotions in conversation, he reacts with everything from annoyance to sarcasm to out-and-out anger. E.G. when I mentioned yesterday that I was dealing with three particularly painful emotional blows in the past week alone, his response was to say "thanks for the guilt trip" and walk out the door. He is too caught up in his own head space to hear me out now, but I hope to show him my letter when the fog has lifted a little so we can talk everything through in more depth. His issues have taken the spotlight now, as they should...but mine have practically been forced off the stage, and that can't hold. I'm hoping that by postponing this conversation until he's medically better able to cope with it, I'm showing respect and sensitivity for his condition while still looking out for my own well-being.

Oh, sweetheart. I am so, so, so sorry. You *cannot* reason with an irrational state of mind. You were right to write that letter, and hope that at some point Corey will read it when he is in a rational state of mind. He is SO caught up in himself, and unfortunately you are victim of the emotional abuse.

I get that you can't move anywhere permanent on your own without HECTIC disruption and consequences. Moving in with parents is not an option either. I was wondering whether a friend could help out short term. And perhaps your therapist has more ideas. When are you seeing the therapist again?

Angie, my next session is tomorrow afternoon. And not a moment too soon. I will ask her advice on how to cope short-term, because I could definitely use the guidance.

Good news, Michelle. Hang in there till then and keep us posted on what the therapist suggests. Can you spend time with a friend till then?

Good thing you have Revie. XOXOX

Michelle - I was wondering where you had been and I keep forgetting to check this thread. I'm so glad I popped in today.

I'm usually a "chatty Cathy" kind of person but for once I am at a loss for words. You have received much wonderful advice already from the YLFers. Like Angie, I hope that there is a friend you can stay with on an interim basis while other more permanent solutions can be found.

I just want you to know I am thinking of you and am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Please remember to take care of yourself first and foremost, ok?

Hugs.

Hope the session goes well tomorrow.Big hugs.

Another idea, Michelle - this does not help with your relationship with Corey specifically, but more to bolster your own spirits - collect positive affirmations. Bookmark this thread, save emails and messages and letters that are meaningful to you and remind you of what a wonderful person you are, and how you are loved.
You need that reminder when you aren't receiving it from the person you are living with. (And Reva and her sloppy Lab kisses can't hurt.)

One of my college roommates and best friends saw me go through a really low period, and as a gift she made me a "Bad Day Box" - a care package complete with chocolate, tissues, silly stickers, individually sealed cards for me to open up when I needed a boost. It was such an incredibly sweet gift and reminded me when I needed it that I had the love of my friends.

We're here for you, and if there's anything that we can do to help, please feel welcome to reach out.

Just wanted to pop in here and let you know I'm thinking of you, and that I hope tomorrow's appt. goes well.

I know this must be extremely difficult to deal with, and even though we don't really know each other in person, I wanted to say that you have lots of people (and doggies) who care about you and we're all hoping that things get much better as you work through this difficult time.

Sending over some extra hugs and a big boost of some very strong "I can get through this" energy.

Hang in there Michelle - you're in our thoughts.

I also wanted to chime in with a few links that specifically highlight how you can care with *yourself* while being the partner of a person with depression that have a lot of wise ideas (some of which I know you're doing already.) Just in case they help.

http://www.helpguide.org/menta.....person.htm

http://www.upliftprogram.com/a.....elate.html

http://www.storiedmind.com/rel.....depressed/

http://www.storiedmind.com/dep.....r-returns/

The last site, Storied Mind, has a lot of good articles to pore through in case you haven't visited it before. This one on depression and relationships sounds a LOT like what you have been describing. http://www.storiedmind.com/dep.....ions-role/

I am relatively new to the board, but I am so, so sorry about what you and Corey are going through. I, also, understand all too well both sides of this coin, and neither is a pretty place to be. Most people suffering depression have a VERY hard time coming to grips with the idea that they cannot will themselves out of it, that it isn't a personal failing that would cease to exist if only they didn't indulge it. It is very difficult to accept that depression is a disease the same as any other we have little control over, and that it requires treatment just like other, better-understood illness.

And part of the issue, of course, is that the medical community is not entirely clear on what the exact causes or triggers of depression are, why some people are more succeptible than others, and exactly which treatments will be effective. It can often take a rotation through medications to find one that works, and even if one has worked in the past it may not work in the same way when tried again. It can be frustrating to the point of hopelessness for both the sufferer and his/her family and loved ones.

Additionally, many people who suffer depression are caught in a self-repeating loop of inaction and indecision. It is almost like they are paralyzed and unable to act. When they see the signs of illness returning, it is easier to deny it and keep pretending like nothing has changed until things get to the point of falling apart. Getting out of the hole at that point is much more challenging than it would have been initially, but it is too late, the damage is done and the illness has progressed far enough that recovery is that much more difficult.

But regardless of Corey's struggles, you need to take care of you, too. Previous posters are correct that he has been verbally or emotionally abusive, and that is damaging to you and the relationship. I hope you can find a way to perhaps live without him for a while, if for no other reason than to clear your own head and decide what is best for yourself in the long run. Big hugs sent your way; I am so sorry you are going through this.

Michelle, this is the first post I'm reading in weeks here because I'm traveling and have been out of touch, but my eyes have been tearing up reading this. My family has been grappling with mental illness lately, as we checked my youngest stepson into the hospital just a few weeks ago. It is indeed a roller coaster, and it's painful and confusing when a person you love seems to disappear and leave a stranger in their place.

I'm so glad you've reached out to Angie and the rest of the YLF group. I know that I've felt an outpouring of positive support when I've done the same. I know we cannot offer much in the way of concrete help, but I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi All,

It's been an up and down couple of days, though nothing drastic or dramatic has happened. I'm seeing more signs that the meds are starting to work, though those signs aren't yet constant. It's only been a week and change, though, so that's at least in line with how the meds have worked before. He's still erratic - making really significant efforts one day, being overly self-absorbed the next, but nothing hurtful has been said for a few days. He knows there's a letter waiting for him when he's able to read it.
As for me, I've just been incredibly tired of late. I'm putting my energy into cooking healthfully again (I let it go last week when things were at their worst) and getting plenty of sleep. I'm kind of in a holding pattern until the meds have fully kicked in. I've got some evenings with local girlfriends scheduled this week to give me a boost too, which is always appreciated. Right now, though, sleep is my primary physical need.
Things really do change day to day. I've learned not to pin too much hope on a positive 24-hour stretch. It's harder to avoid feeling discouraged by a negative one, but it's important too.
One thing I do repeatedly is come back to this thread. It helps more than you know. Between everyone's wise insight, therapeutic comments and practical suggestions/reading material, it's one of the best supports I have.

Michelle I am glad you are focusing on your own needs. Sleep and eating healthy are things that wlll help keep you physically healthy while you deal with this.

I understand the erratic behaviour. With my daughter it is two steps forward one day and a step back the next. Just take care of yourself and reach out if you need too. You are an important part of this community and the lives of each of us.

My hugs to you! You have indeed been through very tough times... and you did everything right. In the end, Corey is sick and it affects your relationship. I am so sorry for you. I can relate on how scary the prospect of being alone is. My heart is with you.

I'm glad you're managing to eat and get some sleep you need to stay strong (((hugs))) x

Hugs Michelle....
Keep doing the small steps right... It will always help

Michelle, wow, you have shown so much resilience already. I just want to send you a big hug and say listen carefully to your own heart and please do what is best for you.