Hey Shannon; Sorry you're going through such a rough spot right now. I hate to add to your burdens, but it may be difficult to place MIL in LTC if she continues to smoke. Most of the patients we can't find placement for are those who want to keep on smoking - the majority of care spaces these days are for those who don't smoke. I guess most of the facilities just dont' have the staffing to accompany or supervise people going outside to smoke.

Shannon, I'm sending you positive thoughts as you contend with this difficult situation. Your son's health is unquestionably your #1 priority. We are progressing down a similar path in terms of finding the best care solutions for my Dad (early stage ALS). It is daunting and overwhelming. You will be in my thoughts.

Oh, how terrifying! But you are doing the right thing looking into care for your MIL. Just think of how scared your son must feel, and how it would be for him to continue to stay in an environment that is dangerous. I guess I may be hyper-sensitive these days, but IMO it is very stressful to return to a place where your life was threatened. Not saying this to minimize what your MIL went through, as that was also scary... just wanted to be encouraging. :T

Big hugs and good thoughts going out to you and the family. Stay strong!

Oh, Shannon... that sucks big time. I think everything I want to say has already been said, but I just wanted to add my hugs and support. I hope everything works out for the best in the end, but I do think you need to prioritize your son's health over all else.

Asthma runs in my family with both parents and two siblings, so I know all too well that stress and the addition of a MIL smoking is unacceptable. As a daughter who cared for her mother and would never have put her in a home (no need she was sweet and loving and listened when I had to get tough), I believe your first responsibility is to the health of your son. I don't envy you for having to be the bad guy and pray that she indeed is ready to quit. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could just give you a great big hug.. so a virtual one will have to do!

Hugs to you Shannon - wishing you all the best! x

Shannon, I am so sorry to hear about your son. I hope he continues to feel better and never have to go to emergency again. As for your MIL, you are already looking into other option which is great. Big hugs

Poor you! You have been such a good and understanding DIL under such trying circumstances. I am so sorry about your son and hope he is doing well now. I cannot put myself in your position but it does seem time for MIL to move to a suitable accommodation elsewhere - easier said than done I am sure. Take care of yourself, and remember that you beautiful inside and out and you do what you do out of love. (And HUGS!)

Shannon, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through right now. I'm sending lots of love and support your way. I really hope that you can find a solution that will benefit all.

Aww, Shannon - how horrible for your son to have to go through that attack, and for all of you to have to deal with these tough things I'm glad to hear YLF brings you some reprieve -- it's a great place to unwind and destress, with the added bonus of helping to stay stylish, which helps to feel better about ourselves throughout each day. You've had some very tough spots with you MIL, and some very sweet ones too. So, a change for her will be bittersweet for you, but I did want to put out there that a change made sooner rather than later seems to be better (this said in hindsight for everything we went through with my dad). If she can get moved while still fairly functioning, she can adapt and get to know her way around the place and its 'climate'. Expect a prolonged period of disliking (hating?) it, complaining, etc. but with time it could around to enjoying the people and place.

Thank you all so, so much for your virtual hugs and kind words - it means more than you know

We are fortunate that MIL hasn't had a cigarette since coming home Sunday but that may be because my husband is home from work until Thursday. When she's alone during the day, it could be another story. Right now, it's one day at a time while we continue to work on other options.

Thanks again my cyber friends.

Just sending big warm hugs your way.

I guess it's not a really helpful question, but I'm curious to know where and how she's getting hold of the cigarettes. If she asked your son to get some for her, it would imply she can't procure them on her own. I think it will be impossible for her to intentionally quit, it's not in her control, and she would need to be prevented from obtaining them, so if she can walk to a store, for example, that would make your job harder. I'm just wondering how it's been working so far, and if there's any ways to close the loopholes.

Edited to add that it would probably be awful living with a frail, elderly cigarette addict who's forced to go through cold turkey, so it's not that much of a win....but at least your son's health wouldn't be compromised.

Oh boy Shannon, I am so sorry.

Unfortuantely, with your MIL having Alzheimer's and the fact that emphysema AND lung cancer have not motivated her to quit, she may not do it.

Please consider throwing out her cigarettes if she buys any. You should make a big deal of it and do a "search". She may find that you mean business. It is your home and it could mean your son's life. That trumps everything. If in the end it keeps happening, make good on your ultimatum. Send her to her daughter's house until something more permanent is found.. You have no choice.

Have you considered taking the whole family to her therapist ? She may need to hear directly from your son and her son that effects that this is having.

Oh dear Shannon, that's terrible. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of that and work full time too! Sounds like your MIL needs full time care (or a full time cop at least). I can't imagine the frustration you must feel. Looking from the outside in, you are being more than kind, but your son's health must come first. I'm sure there's no way to move her out without feeling guilty about it, but really. It's time.

I'm so sorry things are so stressful Shannon. I agree with the others and hope you can find a placement for your MIL. Otherwise I agree that the best thing for your son and your MIL's health is to make good on your ultimatum to send her to her daughter's if she continues to smoke. Big hugs!

Shannon, I hope your son is feeling better. I am sending you big hugs and you and the whole family are in my thoughts and prayers.

What a scare for your son! I'm sorry things have been so stressful for you and your family and hope your son continues to improve.

Just wanted to make sure I stopped in to let you know I'm thinking of you, and am so sorry that you had such a scare like that with your son. Awful!

Best wishes for finding a better living situation for your MIL - it sounds like this battle with the smoking just isn't getting resolved, and I don't think it's fair that you have to keep putting up with this. I realize she's perhaps dealing with a bit of dementia, but still - I really hope you can find some sort of resolution, sooner rather than later - assisted living, going to her other daughter's house, or whatever needs doing.

Hang in there, and sending good thoughts that something can be done. Clearly, having her stay with you is not working out.

I am so sorry Shannon. I am both your son and MIL are back from the hospital. I'm sending you a million hugs. Stay positive.

Mochi - before she went into the hospital, my MIL was still driving (although we've been working on getting her to give up her licence as she has had three accidents in the last year and really shouldn't be driving any more) and so could go to the store to get her cigarettes. We are not within walking distance for her to get them without driving. But since she came home, she's quite weak and realizes she should not be driving at this point so really her only way to get her cigs now is for someone to pick them up for her.

I don't want to sound cold hearted here - I have had a wonderful and loving relationship with my MIL for 30 years and she has never been anything but wonderful to me. I also know she has been through an extremely difficult and stressful time over the past few years - her husband's illness and ultimate passing away, having to leave the home she has known for 42 years, her own physical and mental health issues, and loss of independence.

If she can continue to not smoke, this will be a HUGE improvement in the amount of stress in our home and a very positive move for both her health and my son's.

But we still need to move forward with finding another arrangement for her for her own health and safety. We worry when we're at work and she's home alone, not only because of the Alzheimer's and her physical health, but because we worry she's lonely without much contact during the day - other than when my son comes home from school in mid afternoon.

It's just sad and unfortunate it came to this - I feel guilty, I feel like I've let her down. But that's life I guess.

Just wanted to send more BIG HUGS and good thoughts your way, Shannon!! <3

Shannon, you are in no way being or acting cold hearted. You are being so good to her and looking out for her. The ALzheimer's could also cause her to forget that she lit a cigarette. You are keeping her safe too.

You have in no way let her down. You are there for her. You will visit her wherever she goes to be safe. You have been a daughter to her. Part of continuing to be that is to recognize that you cannot keep her safe on your own. : )

So sorry to hear all of this Shannon! Sending you lots of hugs and hope things get resolved soon.

Shannon I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about. Please don't believe you are letting your MIL down. You and your husband are trying to keep her safe and well taken care of.
My MIL lived with us and we had to place her in assisted living. After a small adjustment period she loved it. She enjoyed having people around her.

hugs and loves. kisses and prayers.

Shannon - first of all I'm glad your son is better. I can't imagine the stress of seeing your kid in pain or distress like that.
Second - you are not permitted to feel guilty about getting your MIL to quit smoking. It's a safety issue for all of you. I suspect that if your MIL didn't have dementia and had complete insight into the situation she would tell you that you have to put your children (and your husband) ahead of anyone else including extended family. That's what we are all supposed to do. Even when it inconveniences other family members. No apologies! It;s hard to do but I will send you some fab power over the internet.

Shannon, sweetie, hugs! This is such a scare to be through, I am so happy your son is alright!
Honestly I don't think you are cold-hearted a bit, quite the opposite. I think I would go ballistic if anybody would be living in my house and smoking against my wishes - even without child's health issues at stake. I think it si a very inconsiderate behavior and cannot be excused neither by age nor by habit - but knowing that it can create a asthma attack and still doing this? Honestly I am quite speechless.
My dad was living with us for 5 years after he moved to Canada and this was a very hard time for us and for him - so I know firsthand how hard it is. BTW he quit smoking after more that 40 years when his doctor told him that his diabetes and smoking are a deadly mix... He is feeling much better now, looks healthier and has more energy so getting your MIL to quit smoking will do wonders for her health.
Again - hugs, you are really the best DIL out there!!!!

Shannon,
I'm sorry to hear you had such a scare, and I'm so grateful your son is OK. I hope things move swiftly to find your MIL a new safe home.

hugs,
Nadya

Oh, Shannon, hope your son is better now, and will never ever have such a thing again! As for the MIL, it's so hard AND DELICATE to deal with our parents or in laws, when older and ill. Hope there is a best solution out there for you all. So much sent already on "off topics" today, but cannot say better than: -Hugs, again!