When things don’t fit: different forms of self judgment - YouLookFab Forum

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When things don’t fit: different forms of self judgment

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

I’ve noticed something interesting! As I go through my closet and try things on, I exercise very different forms of self judgment depending on WHERE they don’t fit.

If a shirt is too tight, I think “I’ve gotten more muscular” and I have no qualms about donating it. But if pants are too tight, I think “I’ve gotten fat” and I tend to keep the pants in hopes that I will get thinner.

Even my feet are subject to these weird opinions! If something hurts my toe joints or arches, it’s out, because I know it’s important to care for the structure of the foot. But if something rubs my ankles I think “I can withstand the pain” and don’t feel justified in getting rid of the item.

Interesting to notice this! Do you do something similar?

Body Type

31 replies

Latest reply was from Jessikams

Suz

(website)

Veteran

What an interesting observation. I'll bet a lot of us are subject to these peculiar or idiosyncratic judgements. Probably to do with whichever body parts we are most sensitive about, or whichever types of garment we have struggled to fit in the past.

I'm similar with the pants...pants always having been a more difficult fit for me than shirts. Also, pants can be pricey, so I probably judge myself more for having wasted money on pants that no longer fit. Hmmm.

I need to think about this some more. Will be back after my supper.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Oh interesting! And yes, and not always in terms of clothes. I have some "flaws" that don't bother me at all, and others which I am neurotically focused upon. Anyway, I am much more likely to keep pants and jeans that I know fit differently according to regular fluctuations but not blouses that don't close properly. Hmm, like Suz, I also need to give this more thought .

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

With trousers I have this peculiar inner dichotomy where I will hold onto them if they need taking in at the waist, but get rid of them straight away (with some slight self-loathing) if they're tight across the hips.

The irony being that the biggest category in my alterations pile are too big waistbands - for some reason I keep 'expecting' that I'm measuring wrong, so I shouldn't 'commit' in case my waist-to-hip ratio isn't actually that large (even though it's stayed consistently a 9"-10" gap ever since I can remember). So I end up sabotaging myself...

A similar issue is when something doesn't fit my bust VS my upper arms. I just roll my eyes at shirts not staying buttoned, but feel self-conscious if they're tight over my biceps.

Runcarla

Veteran

I read the review (and others in a similar vein) about a winter coat from Calvin Klein. Based on the description (about the shoulders and arm length) I know it will fit me perfectly in a size medium!

‘Huge…massive…fit a man, not a woman…’

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Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

Runcarla, so true. Anytime I read a disgruntled review complaining about leg length too short or rise length comically long, I’m like “yesssss.”

Ginger

Veteran

Carla, what a weird review! 5'3" is a petite height. I would be surprised if that lady found an awful lot that fit her

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

If it’s too long and too wide in the shoulders, it sounds like she’s just got the wrong size, not like it’s proportioned differently than her body. But yeah, actually reading the reviews is important. Someone’s 1-star rating might be because it has exactly what you want.

Anonymous

Yep! Jackets that are tight in the shoulders mean I've gained muscle, but tight in the bust makes me feel bad :/
If the "bad reviews" are too narrow shoes, too long sleeves, or too high rise- it's good for me!

RobinF

Veteran

I definitely do that. For some reason clothes that are too tight make me feel bad about myself, but shoes too small I am OK with - it's them not me. When I see reviews that pants are too narrow in the hips and large in the waist then I pay attention - that could be the style for me But often the next review is the opposite so who knows...

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

I think that 'lady' was just frustrated that it didn't fit (so now she has to return it) & was therefore taking her frustration out in the wrong place...

I favour reviews that go in the opposite direction - any time someone complains about a dress reading more knee-length/ midi than a 'true' maxi length, you know I'm already clicking 'checkout' haha!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, I feel zero judgement about shoes that don’t fit because my feet are just…feet. I actually like how my feet look and have no emotional baggage around that part of my body.

But pants are especially loaded this way. I’ve lived my entire adult life aware that my hips are wide and my thighs are proportionally big compared to other parts of me, no matter my weight. Same for my chest, especially post-menopause. So yeah, I feel a bit judged by too-narrow pants or tops and dresses that are tight in the bust or hips but are too big otherwise when I size up. I’m sure I have those feelings because I’m already self-conscious of those parts of my body. The feelings tend to be more acute when my size/weight is up, as it is now, or after I see candid photos, in which I always look “bigger” than I feel. It’s so weird.

I absolutely read reviews with the same mindset! One person’s “these pants are way too long” makes me put them in the shopping cart!

celia

Veteran

Yes, I do exactly this. Tops I don't even think twice, pants bring all my insecurities forward. And I do keep the pants and give away the tops.
I think it is also the fear of finding pants that fit properly as this is the clothing item that is more dificult for me to find.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Following with interest. I really do think any wish to change my body is most likely to spring up when I’m naked, not related to any item of clothing. Still thinking about it though, and mulling over other peoples replies. Shoes might be an exception; if they’re too small or otherwise hurt, I don’t keep them, but I might feel i twang of irritation at my feet for being so big.

Sloper

Veteran

If I'm understanding your post - if I try on an item from my closet and it is too tight - then I gained weight. If I try something on and it is too loose, I lost weight. I do have areas of my body that I fixate on, but for things I already own that no longer fit - it's weight gain or loss.

Sal

Veteran

There is a lot of emotion with clothing and sizing. Hence people not buying things because they are a size ? Even if that’s the right size. I don’t know that I feel differently about fit issues with things as opposed the shoulders or bust. But I can see how people could.

It’s madness when I have a range of sizes in my closet based on both variance in manufacturers sizing but also my fit choices. After mistakes I err on the larger size now to get as much length as I can - might be only an inch or so - but short tops and skirts are annoying.

LaPed

Veteran

Spending a few years following the barefoot shoe movement has made me pretty accepting of my feet and has given me the ability to say, "It's not my foot that's all wrong, it's the shoe," when something isn't comfortable or doesn't fit. I'm trying to get better at applying that mentality to other clothing. Pants are definitely the hardest, especially when they're tight in the thighs or calves.

Echo

Veteran

This is definitely true for a lot of people. I just accept that my calf size has always been larger than average (dance and biking), but I am super-sensitive about my waist measurement, as it has always been my problem area.

Interestingly, having lost a significant amount of weight, my shoes size went down easily a half size, sometimes a full size, so shoe size is definitely subject to fluctuation (depending on the person). I had convinced myself for years that my feet had just become wider after pregnancy or some such, but that wasn't the case. It was my weight.

Joy

Veteran

I also pay attention to negative reviews. Boots too small in the calves, pants that are too long to be cropped, tops that are too tight through the bust...these may be right for me. It can be he.
ful with shoes sometimes.. arch placement, those that rub on top of the foot, size in general, (does your regular size work or did you have to size up or down?)

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

Joy, I think I am just now starting to understand foot structure, at the age of 44! Really what I mean is, how MY foot seems to be different from the "neutral ideal foot" used as fit models by manufacturers. My arch is high, my heels are sensitive, etc etc. I'm sure we all have these special foot requirements.

Echo, interesting to know that weight can impact shoe size too! Maybe some of it is actual tissue on the foot, and some may be body weight pressing down on the foot and causing it to spread out or swell?

Sloper, exactly, it's so odd to try something on in my own closet and realize it doesn't fit! But the emotions come in when I try to figure out WHY. Losing weight has a knee-jerk positive reaction, due to years of cultural conditioning. Gaining weight likewise has a negative reaction. Gaining muscle is becoming positive for me; but gaining fat is still perceived as negative and then I fall into self-blame..... Anyway recognizing these mental patterns is the first step to perhaps letting them go. And just analyzing the fit of the clothing as a neutral process without having to get into self blame or any of that stuff.

Barbara Diane

Veteran

Yes, I react differently. However I am working on it’s the clothes, it’s not me.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Perhaps related: I was dismayed at how many clothes didn’t fit when my weight suddenly dipped to an “underweight” BMI, but now when I step on the scale, I hold my breath and hope I haven’t gained, same as when my BMI was “obese”. I know that stat doesn’t tell half the story and can be wrong for all kinds of reasons—point is that the reaction is the same on either side of that big swing.

JamesMandy7

Member

Yes, I do. But my reasoning is slightly different. I accept that I have gotten too old to wear tight clothes and I don’t pull them out of the bin. I know there is a great chance of me falling in the coming days and apart from the embarrassment, the injury is just not worth it. But I am pretty good at enduring the pain, so I wear shoes that don’t fit me. I know it is not good for my feet, but I am unable to find a pair of shoes with a good fit. It’s a good thing I don’t have to wear high heels!

judy

Veteran

Yes, this happens to me too, now that you mention it. It's so interesting. And feels good to be aware of these internalized kinds of conditioning, so we can let them go. How much freer would we be if we just accepted our bodies and realize we come in all shapes and sizes!

One thing I've noticed with myself is that our bodies change SO much over a life. And we don't really talk about and accept those changes culturally. Somehow there's this belief we should stay at the same weight or shape, even from when we were much younger (wasn't there some book written by a French woman in her 50's claiming she could wear clothes she wore in high school? ). I've gotten more padding, for one thing,...and it's age appropriate because then if you fall as an older person, you just bounce back up :).

Reminds me of the Victoria Secret song I heard last week: https://youtu.be/F9K5IS-inHs

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Judy, wearing things from high school when you’re post-menopause doesn’t mean your body hasn’t changed, just that the general size parameters are similar. I mentioned in another thread that my boobs have shrunken out of a swim suit top from 20 years ago. Last weekend I wore a skirt that was purchased for my sister & me to share when I was in 7th or 8th grade & she was in high school. It was chopped off because of moths, but the waist still fits. Isn’t the point of this thread accepting all parts of our bodies as they are, instead of talking about what we are “supposed” to do physically?

I don’t want to defend Les Wexner, but as I was organizing clothes earlier today, I noticed that although my style overtly has taken a turn towards much more feminine things than I ever would have worn before, the one kind of “feminine” clothes I do have from earlier years are the items I bought from Victoria’s Secret. Some are clothing (including the silk blouse I wore last week), some is lingerie that no one has ever seen me wear. I would never have said that I wanted to feel feminine, and would have snorted at the suggestion back then—but those items felt different to me, felt good on my body and I just liked the thought of them. There are a few pieces that a guy eventually saw me in, and I was surprised at the response, but generally it was my stuff, for me.

cat2

Veteran

So true. Somehow I have accepted my bra size going up, but not my pants size!

judy

Veteran

Stag, sure, of course some things might still fit us from high school...and how great from a sustainability standpoint, huh. The title of the French woman's book was: "French Women Don't Get Fat" or something like that, about dieting to still have the same body size of her youth. To me, it was not promoting accepting the changes that come with age. Maybe that got lost in the sharing.

Glad you have VS things you love. I shared the video for a laugh mostly...and also point to where those cultural conditionings come from when we look in the mirror and our clothes are tight in new places and we have self judgements about that, depending on where on the body ...hopefully on track with the thread. I think many things can be true at once...that VS things made you feel good, and are beautiful items...AND so many of the years of marketing to us, by many brands, have skewed our image of what we should look like. I love to see so many brands now (maybe even VS...?) embracing a diversity of body types. I know it's helped me personally to accept the body that I have, whatever it looks like, even as my clothes fit differently over time.

phoebe

If shoes become uncomfortable I assume it's due to some kind of breakdown of the structure. If clothing becomes too snug I think, somewhat disappointed, that I must have gained weight.

And then I look in the mirror and say "I love you very, very much"

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Judy, thanks for understanding. You’re right that I haven’t seen that book. As for VS, I am certainly aware of the problems with their shows. Trying to force yourself isn’t healthy. I’m feeling conflicted about these things recently because honestly, that stuff made me feel like even I could be mysterious and glamorous—even though I know that it could be very unhealthy for others.

Star

Veteran

Well I am having a revelation. I have gained 5 kgs this year, very few of my bottoms fit me but for the 1st time ever no self judgement. Going to buy bigger jeans.

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