When friends/family just don't get it.... (Rant) - YouLookFab Forum

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When friends/family just don't get it.... (Rant)

MsLuna

Veteran

A friend of mine noticed my new clothing items I wore today and asked, "Are you wearing new clothes again? You went SHOPPING this weekend?" I felt a bit hurt - offended almost but I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and see things in her point of view. She often notices and asks me if I bought new clothes again. She's been consistently doing that through my minimalist wardrobe building process. Many times, she shakes her head in disapproval. When I was trying to explain to her how I'm minimalizing my wardrobe down to 33 pieces and how I've been purchasing items that suit my lifestyle and aesthetic, she didn't understand why I wanted to do that. She mentions I shop too much and that I keep buying things I don't need(shoes), even though the shoe mistake purchases I've had really killed my feet!

I've also been posting my outfit photos on Instagram. I thought, "Hey, if the Fabbers can see it, why not friends and family as well?" I'm not quite ready to go "public" with my daily outfits and would prefer a safe haven to post them and write about how I feel. Some friends asked WHY I need to do this. Other people make fun of me and my selfies. Other friends and relatives love that I do this. But I was so hung up on the negative reactions that I stopped instagramming my outfits. Funny how I feel "safer" posting my outfits here, and I barely know most of you.

Sometimes, I just don't know how to answer people when it comes to my thoughts in personal style. I once told a girl who supposedly had interest in style that to me, it was a soul-searching activity. Working on my style, and recently, my minimalist wardrobe forced me or be honest with myself and just face the bare truth: what's my lifestyle like? What am I all about? How do I want to communicate who I am to the world? And I know style isn't always that deep, but to me it is deep. I can go on and on as to why this means a lot to me, especially now that I'm in the midst of a slow career transition.

People see me and think that I'm likely a girl with financial problems and no real priorities because I make time to shop around for clothes that fit my lifestyle and flatter my body. I'm not out going on vacations or "getting a hobby" (though I sew and make jewelry when I am not writing papers and reading counselling/psychology texts). Others judge me easily, especially when I suffer from usual mistake shoe purchase that I wouldn't find out works until I actually walk on concrete. It really wears on my self-esteem but I really have to tell myself not to care about these things!

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment. Thanks for letting me rant about my style woes.

Off Topic

23 replies

Latest reply was from Angela K

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Aww, a lot of my friends (mostly guys) don't understand about why style is so important to me. Luckily, I have a few lady friends IRL that I can hang out with and talk style. I don't think it's everyone's cup of tea - a lot of people think that I spend too much money on my style (I do a lot of sewing and my own tailoring and shop second hand, and I'm a sale fiend).

I think there is some envy sometimes - I often explain it as an extension of myself and my professional presentation to the world. Luckily, I work in a job that "therapeutic presentation" is a key part - and people are not shy to point out what is working out for you and what is not.

I do -not- share my WIW with my friends; that's something that I think they'd think I'd be nuts to do. I do share them with (of all people) my dad - because he likes to see different textures and mixing (he's colourblind) and I think it's something we can talk about every day which is fun!

I think that some soul-searching is involved in discovering a personal style. For me it was are you okay with wearing skirts and dresses and being feminine? It works well for my therapeutic self at least, I look soft and a pushover, but I have a deep voice and a "steel-balls" approach to my medicine - and it throws people a little bit - keep them on their toes, right? I'm really a compassionate person, but I keep control of the situation by making them unsteady (slightly).

I also do some style sessions with some of the junior colleagues and so I have solidified my reputation as someone who takes care of themselves. In my awards introduction this year, they even said something about how I always look nice even at 3 am! It's definitely become an identifying feature for me too ... "Go look for the doctor in the dress."

MsLuna

Veteran

Lyn, you are so lucky to have lady friends you can talk style to! I have a few lady friends that have an interest in style but it's a different point of view. There is a heavier focus on aesthetics and trends rather than how they feel when they wear something.

I'm amazed that as a doctor, you still have time to sew! I'm still trying to find time to do that myself. I actually very carefully observed the Vince Camuto tube skirt last week to see how it's constructed (lol!). I even had plans to draft my own a-line tunics but juggling full time work and part time school is a challenge!

I'm absolutely a sale fiend as well and barely pay anything full price except for comfy shoes. I also figured out a means of managing my finances so that I don't go broke. That's what others don't really see, and I wish people would just mind their own business with finances!

I'm looking forward to switching careers as either a group (career) counsellor/facilitator or a trainer where how I present myself has some bonus career points. I work in creative/tech/marketing right now where the work environment is casual (unless you're in the marketing side of things). I surprisingly don't know a lot of people (just a few) who understand my point of view on style!

You never came off as a pushover - ever. To me, you have a stronger personality! But you're also showing (in the way you dress) that you're also fun loving, sweet and compassionate! Work is work, and seriously in a helping profession you really need to establish clear boundaries. I've gotten better at that since I started training to be a counsellor!

That's so awesome how you have style sessions with junior colleagues! I would've loved to attend that (just for fun)!

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

My husband's best friend's fiance does this to me. She has been a single mother struggling to make it and it clearly is foreign to her... I know that they both look at me and think I over shop, but I could care less... No one else truly understands my journey of not taking care of myself those 5 years when my mother was ill and the need to counter that and not let that be her legacy. I've mentioned that in passing, but still the comments kept coming.... A few months ago she mentioned that she loved a pair of my boots, but didn't think the calf would fit her.... Well, I knew they made it in a wide calf and it was on clearance, so I bought them for her... She was so touched and now seems to have laid off some... Keeping my fingers crossed it doesn't rear it's ugly head again because it's been four years ot this.... I also think that now that her future husband is healled from falling from a roof and breaking all the bones in his feet and working for my husband and making good money, that there won't be such a divide. He is insistent on taking her shopping and buying her things as she doesn't like to treat herself , but he picks out clothes and finds things and drags her back to stores.... gotta love him!
I am lucky to have a wonderful best friend who is also a single mother struggling who loves me unconditionally and celebrates my new found self -care as she's known me before and after the bad years...

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Just came in again to add that especially when you do therapy where you have to sit across from someone for an hour, what you wear becomes important - and it can't detract from what you're saying.

I remember one of the medical students being snarky with me for spending too much money at an expensive department store in the city. I told her I had never set foot in that store before and she asked me where I got my clothes then? - How can you afford Kate Spade everything on YOUR salary? - Although our salaries are public knowledge, I shrugged and said I save. The top I was wearing was Kate Spade-esque and was $15 at Ricki's ... and the skirt I had was a second hand from Modcloth find for another $20 ... the only "real deal" item I had was my purse.

An important lesson I learned from YLF is you can dress in a particular style, but don't need the budget to back it up - Oh; also, purse $150 on Cyber Monday clearance. Teeheehee.

Peri

Veteran

It is really rude to comment on, much less judge, how other people spend their money. If you were declaring bankruptcy or unable to pay the rent then friends and family might want to stage an intervention, otherwise it's none of their business.

Maybe they are jealous, or just think fashion is frivolous. Turn the tables...ask what their last vacation cost, or that Starbucks habit or whatever you can find. Or just tell them you are doing fine and they don't need to worry.

I don't tell people about YLF, just hoard it for myself! I will sometimes send my mother a picture of something new, but not often. If people see selfies on my phone when I'm showing them some other picture I just joke it off..."look at my selfies, it's my new hobby". I would love to have a YLF friend IRL, but mostly I just appreciate the board and keep it all here.

MsMary

Veteran

Honestly, I just don't have those kinds of conversations with people. Just because people ask personal questions doesn't mean those questions have to be answered! The friend who disapproves? Next time she asks if you've been shopping, just smile and say "That's classified information" and change the subject. Repeat as necessary. And DO NOT feel like you have to explain yourself to anybody! Truly, it's nobody's business and it sounds like you are trying to justify yourself to people when you absolutely, positively, DO NOT have to!!

Don't buy into these crazy kinds of intrusive conversations. Nobody is going to really understand, but that's okay. Just keep the details to yourself and don't let yourself get defensive!

If you want to discuss fashion, come here and we'll all be happy to discuss it all day long with no judgment!!

Isabel

Veteran

You are so wonderful and compassionate to try to put yourself in her shoes. Here is the problem with her shoes that make them undeserving of you charity : her comments are not about the clothes. If they were, the newness wouldn't matter. This is about minimizing you in order for her to feel morally superior. It could also be jealousy. So try to shift the focus off the topic of your clothes' age and onto something YOU want . When she asks again, don't answer. Instead say that you are experimenting and you are loving it. Or ask her why she is asking that. Or just say, "wow, you must really watch what i wear. thanks! ". That is it. Or Why do you need to know? And look perplexed. And repeat over and over and over. She is doing this on purpose to take your joy and self confidence away. Don't allow it anymore. btw you are looking awesome.

DonnaF

Veteran

Wow. Just wow. I never got the impression that your friend was paying for your purchases, so what business is it of hers? You told us in another post (and it really isn't any of our business either) that you are within budget. It's not like the children you don't have are going hungry and you can't pay your rent or mortgage. Some people need to learn some lessons from Miss Manners.

Hang in there! I don't have any friends particularly interested in style and sense that it is rather somewhat frowned upon as frivolous, but at age 61 I don't much care. I figure it is worse to look like I've given up -- my look in the prior two decades. Don't do that!!!

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I separate my social media. My blog is public, but only a very few real life friends know about it. Facebook is social stuff, and wine stuff. Twitter is bus stories. I don't cross-pollinate.
I have fashion friends and non-fashion friends. I don't bore my non-fashion friends with latest shoe purchase. If they ask me about fashion I will however happily give my opinion.

rabbit

Veteran

It's been my experience that whenever you have a hobby you are passionate about and spend money and time on, there will be those that don't understand (usually not people with passions of their own though). I just share my passion with other like minded people and try not talk about it with other friends and family, although I don't really hide it either. My immediate family living with me has a right to raise a flag if it's getting a little out of bounds in terms of time or money commitment and other parts of our life are suffering, and I do the same for them. Otherwise I try to listen to my own wisdom.

It's usually not about the hobby though if someone is critical. It can be a form of unconscious jealousy, wanting to explore something in their own life and not feeling that they can permit themselves to, or just different lifestyle priorities and interests. I've run into people who thinking wanting to travel overseas is odd, as is loving camping and backpacking. It's just a different strokes for different folks thing.

Gaylene

Veteran

I second Ms. Mary. Unless you have an extremely close personal relationship with someone, you do not owe them an explanation or excuse for the choices you make as an independent adult. A simple "Hmmm..." and a faraway look in your eyes is the best response to unwarranted personal judgements like "you spend too much on clothes" or "it's dumb to post pictures of yourself". Anything more more just invites the person to keep offering their judgements and opinions with you placed in the position of trying to defend yourself by offering explanations (which will always be countered and rejected), excuses (which make you feel defensive and inadequate), or snarky comebacks (which lead to hurt.feelings and angry confrontations). Nothing positive about any of these in my books, so I stay with "Hmmm..." And continue doing what I want.

MsLuna

Veteran

Ladies, it's really interesting reading your points of view. I'm taking a break from essay-writing at the moment just to respond (heh!)

@TraceyLiz: very interesting story about your new style rediscovery. I do wonder that perhaps something is going on with your husband's best friend's wife internally so she might be projecting. It's really nice of you to get her the boots and for her husband to take her shopping after healing! Yay too to best friends enjoying their new life and being there for you

@lyn: one thing I noticed about career counsellors (my profs and those working in the field) is that they're quite stylish and a few of them really do care about personal style! I had a long discussion with a professor about this once and it was quite fun! And lol on the purse! Still a bargain hunter!

@Peri: many friends and acquaintances I'm around go on vacations and I never once question them (many tend to question me WHY I barely go on vacations though - I DON'T TRAVEL WELL!). I think many, in general are just quick to judge others that have a different point of view, I guess.

I've only told very close friends about YLF but I call it "that fashion forum I participate in". Nobody really cared to ask further (so far). Different priorities, I presume. There is a reason why my YLF blog is private, and it's so I can just post photos of my style, get critiques and get better.

@MsMary: CLASSIFIED INFORMATION! I love it! It's true though - I do not have to answer these personal questions. I do have a very open personality that I often feel like I want to share what I like to do, but it backfires at me! But yes, thus is why I love YLF - I can just be free to speak my mind on style!

@Isabel: this particular friend doesn't have the intention of bringing me down. I think she just wonders why I spend so much time and money on this hobby. Heck - she has her own hobbies/pursuits I'm not inclined to understand as well. Again, differences of priorities. We just handle what we don't understand differently, and I think, being in a vulnerable position (due to all the things happening in my life) I'm just more sensitive to questions like that. And thanks

@DonnaF: yeah... I think part of why I mentioned my being "on budget" is that I feel partially guilty too (more towards myself). Me and money - we really just started getting along recently, thanks to some education and a very compassionate financial advisor. When people make comments on why I but so much and how much I spend, it's a sore spot because I'm really working through getting better. Good to know you're staying FABULOUS at 61!!!!

@annagybe: what I shouldn't have done is post my outfits on instagram. I think that's my mistake there. So yes - no x-pollination. Like you, twitter is business, Facebook is personal, and YLF is fashion/style/connecting with super awesome ladies. In general, I don't talk fashion with non-fashion friends either, but usually they bring up the fashion talk! How else do I respond but talk about it, right? But yeah - I do need to be careful of iffy topics like when some get judgmental about money.

@rabbit: totally with you there. My hobby and some current life transitions are hard for many to understand, so I get it. It's just hard during this period, though to converse about anything else so I tend to divert the conversation to them so that they do all the talking

But yes - usually people that are critical have some underlying reason. An unexpressed desire of some kind, perhaps. Some people just tend to project that onto others.

MsLuna

Veteran

@Gaylene: some of these relationships are close relationships, actually so yeah. Other people who aren't close that pass judgments, I don't really talk to afterwards. Don't want to waste time with them. I guess I'm still trying to sort this all out.

Gigi

Veteran

Wow, I'm really sorry that your friend is being so rude. I'm sensitive too, and I would probably feel hurt too.

I find personal style a very soul-searching process too. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I never had a chance to develop an authentic self. Dressing in different types of clothes helps me do that. Sometimes I feel very ashamed that I spend so much money on clothes, but when I take an honest look at things, I realize that this is real medicine for me. I didn't spend money on anything for myself for YEARS...so it's kind of all coming out at once. :^) Also, due to certain health conditions, it's extremely difficult for me to go on vacation. So I tell myself that I am spending "vacation" money, saved up for years of not going on vacation.

I probably would have thought that spending so much time on clothing was nuts too, before YLF. I think YLF is really a special place, more about discovering who you really are than just being trendy or fashionable. When friends comment on my clothing, I just tell them that I'm doing some emotional healing and that I have discovered that buying different styles of clothing helps me learn about myself, and that's all that's usually needed before the topic switches. However, I will say that I have some very understanding and nonjudgmental friends for the most part.

I don't tell my family (they live several hours away). That would be a disaster.

Beth Ann

Veteran

We live in a world that feels that everyone has a right to an opinion on everything. In a sense, I agree, but I would add that not every opinion is as well-considered or valuable as every other. We are a culture that follows and picks apart celebrities constantly. Certainly, the world does not need more critics or opinion makers! We need more creators and makers. More doers!

I'm working on forming fewer opinions myself, particularly about the choices of others. I'm convicted that the best expression of what I value is shown in my own choices -- what I do and what I say. I'm also realizing that I'm unwittiingly inviting a lot of the sorts of questions you're describing from others -- trying to be friendly and ending up sharing too much and making myself too open.

I like the idea of being more selective about whom you choose to share certain details of your life with. For example, my choice to homeschool can be polarizing, and sometimes I find myself trying to win the approval of others -- as if I require their endorsement. I'm learning to deflect these conversations and engage in other topics of discussion that actually build bridges, if that makes sense.

You seem to be learning alot about your inner self in your search for a wardrobe that fits who you are right now and who you wish to become. Enjoy the discoveries you're making and, as long as you aren't neglecting essentials, make the most of it! Let the Forum be a safe place to share and ask for feedback.

Gigi

Veteran

KatieKat, I wonder if your friend is being this way because she feels like you are changing. I'm thinking about how I would have felt if, pre-YLF, I had a friend who started dressing up and wearing different things and going shopping a lot. I might feel like this wasn't the same person whom I had made friends with. Maybe she is missing the old you?

chadya

Veteran

@rabbit ITA with you, I belong to Ravelry a website for knitters and there are constant threads about the same only the hobby is yarn and knitting. How much time and money is spent , how the writers friends and family don't get it etc.

to the other posters in my life I don't have any one criticizing my clothing choices (luckily)
@MsKatieKat
I would say to your friend when she notices you went shopping, just "yes I did" or say something along the lines of "lets agree to disagree" and leave it alone.
she wants to feel superior to you, focus on what the 2 of you have in common. Or maybe you have grown apart and have new interests.

PS my cat's name is Kate

Ledonna N.

Veteran

MsKatie, sometimes we can't share with everyone about some aspects of our lives. I find YLF to be a safe and creative space. Some people will never get it or accept it but, I find style, clothing to be a large part of my life. I don't have children or a significant other. I shop at discount stores, sales and thrift stores so that I can travel and go to concert events. People always think that I am constantly shopping because they don't see me often enough to realize that what I have is new to them but, not new to me. Keep your head up some things just do not deserve a response or justification.

SW Ann

Veteran

A wise female boss taught me a number of years ago to answer nosy people's questions with this one...."Why do you need to know?"....This almost always cuts the nosy questions off, because of course they don't "need" to know, they are using the question to try to bring you down.
It took me a LOT of practice to make this work for me and still not be defensive, but it has saved me over the years from needless conversations.

LAR101

Love annagybe's suggestion of no-cross pollination.
Not everyone is interested in style at the same moment I am.
I love that YLF does not show up in my inbox and seperates topics out:
into Blog, Forum, Categories, Off-Topic, etc... That helps me enjoy and be supportive when I have the time. I certainly miss things on the forum, but love what I can catch.

LAR101

About your friend who doesn't get it. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue about values. Why is she even commenting on your choices? Be kind here. Is it to be truly reflective and helpful to you or is it really about her. Is it about assuming her situation & values are right for everyone else at every moment. When it's the latter, I try to remember not to argue the logic of 'shoes that kill your feet' but to deflect with: 'This seems to be working for me, for now', 'I'm trying this out, for now.' , 'I'll think about it', 'Good point, Thanks', I'm still thinking about it', 'Thanks for your suggestion', 'I'm still thinking about it'.
My SIL who developed the 'I'll think about it', 'Still thinking about it' strategy, claims that this has been so useful to her in many other places beyond the one 'situation'.
Finally, try to have compassion for the person who can't enjoy your good fortune to have the time and money to focus on style, and yet might be jealous, or have other financial and time priorities or real financial and time roadblocks. Try to be kind and only carefully cross-pollinate.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I totally empathize. Being older than a lot of my coworkers, I sometimes worry that I might look like a crazed shopaholic to People Who Don't Know. I take the route of loudly embracing the fact that I found things at the Rack, flea market, Ebay, etc. when someone asks about a new piece. I will also be very transparent when I decide to sell item A to buy item B. I figure word will get around... but even still, at some point, it always comes down to the fact that I am the most important person in my life (I couldn't live without me ;)), and if I don't want to hobble around in poorly-chosen shoes, then I'm not going to tough it out to save face! I guess it also depends on whether you want people to understand or to just mind their own business.

Angela K

Veteran

MsKatieKat I understand completely how you feel, but totally agree with others comments that no one has the right to judge your purchases or your life style. I do know the feeling however. Recently (after hearing me moan and groan about never being able to find the "right" handbag or briefcase) my husband decided to take matters into his own hands. He asked a few questions about designer bags and bam! bought me one (on sale I might add). Then he decided that I was "going to wear it out" so he bought me another one (ebay this time!) and really really surprised me--so now he's getting into this bag shopping and says his goal is to make sure that I have a nice bag that I love for each day of the week. He shops sales, ebay etc to find these treasures and I am absolutely loving it BUT I have one friend that is just about to die over it. She is a Starbucks' junkie ( I love SB too but she spends a lot going daily sometimes twice a day.) So I replied that since I got my SB habit under control we could now afford a Michael Kors habit. She didn't think it was funny but I got my point across.

My point is, we all have things that we spend money on--some people agree with our choices some don't. It is what it is. But that's no excuse for others to be rude or even to think that we really care about their opinions.