When a loved one *could* dress so much better than they do

When a loved one could dress so much better than they do

ironkurtin

Goldpig's post on "turning into" her mother, whose style she doesn't necessarily want to copy, reminded me of all the times I have bit my tongue when out shopping or hanging out with my family.

Both my mother and sister are naturally gorgeous (unlike me, I might add, I'm more "unusual" looking) but my lord, they dress so badly. And it's not a my-taste-versus-their-taste thing, or budget issues, it's just not knowing how to wear clothing. Angie would pass out looking at my mother's violations of PPL. And my sister, bless her and her four kids, dresses like she's still rowing crew. She's even still carrying her college backpack - *twenty years* after college!

Both of them have the budget to dress in much more flattering ways and have a lot more fun with their clothing. But there's some kind of block there. I wouldn't even dare suggest they read Angie's posts - my mother would take it personally ("What are you saying about how I dress? Do you think I NEED to read this?") and my sister would snarl that she doesn't have time for that. I guess they think I'm trivial, but hey, *my* pants fit!

I wish I could hire Angie to go to LA and give both of them an overhaul, but I'm afraid even she wouldn't penetrate...

14 years ago

General

13 replies

Latest reply was from goldenpig

MsMary

Veteran

I can imagine how frustrating that must be for you!

But my philosophy is that people who aren't interested in style have every right to not be interested in style, and far be it from me to try and impose my fashion values on anybody else.

I've been lucky, though. Since I found YLF and started striving towards fabness, both my hubby and my BFF have stepped up their fashion game in a big way! My mom? Still completely hopeless, and that's okay with me.

14 years ago

Kari

Veteran

I'm of the philosophy that I will absolutely give tactful but truthful feedback if someone asks me - for example, if my mom is inquiring about the length of her pants, or whether an outfit is age appropriate or flattering - but won't critique someone without being asked to. I will, however, give compliments out of the blue when I see something I love - letting my boyfriend know how much I love seeing him in polo shirts instead of logo tees - or will let a loved one know if there's a problem with an outfit (such as preventing someone from heading out of the house with a rip in the rear of their pants or a blouse button that came undone), as I'd definitely want someone to do the same for me.

But by dressing with care in a way that I find creative and flattering, and by obviously having a lot of fun with my personal style, a lot more friends and family members approach me to ask my opinion about things.

One of my good friends fell in love with my red patent heels, and I helped her find a pair for herself that she still enjoys. I don't know a lot about makeup besides what I've learned from putting it on myself, but a couple years back I found myself giving a makeup tutorial to some friends with the same kind of complexion that I have to let them know what worked for me, and just having a chance to play around with products they hand't tried before. I got to help one of my friends pick out new clothes after she lost a significant amount of weight, and we found some cute fitted, woven shirts and slimmer jeans that looked so much cuter than the baggy, ultracasual clothes she had been wearing before.

But I always want to make sure my advice and help is wanted, so I'm not going to pressure someone to dress differently if they haven't indicated that they want help doing so. I'm more a fan of learning through positive feedback - telling someone what I genuinely like about their style - rather than making my friends or family think that my interest in personal style has turned me into a shallow, nagging critic.

14 years ago

MsMaven

Veteran

To me personal style is something akin to religion: Don't try to convert me to yours and I won't try to convert you to mine.

Still, I think a lot can be done by working on your own personal style and being a good example. Some people don't like change, but if you family members see you enjoying your new looks and getting positive attention, they might decide they want to know more about how you do it.

Style is a touchy subject in my family because as kids my Mom was extremely critical of how we dressed, did our hair and so on. Despite the passage of many years those wounds still haven't healed entirely. I try to keep any comments I might make to positive feedback. Otherwise I keep my mouth shut unless my opinion is asked for.

14 years ago

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Well IK, my mom has always tried to get me & my sisters to dress up more, wear more makeup, etc. etc. and it kind of made us resist and dress down even more because we really didn't want to look like her. So your mom and sister might have the same reaction to unsolicited fashion advice, as well intentioned and knowledgeable as it is. I haven't seen my mom since my YLF "transformation" and she doesn't know about it. I'm kind of curious to see what she'll say, hopefully not "I told you so!" On the flip side, I don't think my telling my mom she dresses a little too flashily is going to change her, I think that's just her personality. Hopefully you can just lead by stylish example and be available for them if/when they ever ask for your advice! Good luck!

14 years ago

Kari

Veteran

MsMaven, what a great philosophy. I love it.
I think mine is like yours with a slight addendum: "Don't try to convert me to yours and I won't try to convert you to mine... but I'm also happy to talk about where we're each coming from if you ever want to ask."

14 years ago

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

I understand. My sister wears jammies in public regularly, and you would think that my hourglass shaped mom is actually a rectangle because everything she wears hides her waist....... BUT those are their decisions. I appreciate them allowing me to make my own choices without giving me a hard time about it, and I try to let them do the same without interfering.

14 years ago

ironkurtin

Veteran

Oh, trust me, I'm hardly out being evangelical to my family about clothing or style and never have been. I'm just sad for them that they haven't found this as a source of joy. As far as being a positive example, I've been doing my best for 20 years and it hasn't sunk in yet.

14 years ago

Suz

(website)

Veteran

It's interesting, isn't it, IK? I mean in the sense that it makes a person wonder about whether and how these things are transmitted? The whole nature/nurture debate. Were just "born" wanting to learn about style and fashion and they lack the gene? If you developed it, HOW, given your environment? And so on.

My husband has started to step up his fashion game since I started reading YLF. He looks a lot better! My daughter (age almost 12) is a tomboy with no interest in fashion, but I think I am subtly educating (i.e. brainwashing) her by asking her to take all these photos. But I am hardly a model of anything positive yet. Still a learner who makes lots of mistakes.

14 years ago

Anonymous

I have family members like that, but who knows, they may be commenting on their favorite blogs about my abysmal taste in whatever!

14 years ago

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I have worn pjs in public before. Within the last 10 years; actually. They were fleece and baby blue with penguins and polarbears, if you must know. They were tucked into Uggs. I think I was wearing a white waffle t-shirt and a green parka.

There is hope for everyone

14 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

I hear you, but I'm totally with MaryK. Some of my friends care enough about appearance to call me when they need someone to help shop for something specific, and I'm happy to help or drop hints. But if they don't care, I don't either. I always wonder whether they'll wake up one day, regret not having taken more interest, and blame me, but I had to come to this point on my own and maybe that's the key.

Do I WISH some people in my life cared more? Sure. But they probably wish I cared more about composting.

14 years ago

Kari

Veteran

Suz, I beg to differ! Don't sell your stylish self short.
I am SO inspired every time you post your outfits. Your "Dress the Decade" outfits really blew me away, each and every one - totally perfect for the time period, but also very clean and polished and interesting.
We're ALL learners who are constantly evolving and developing our style, and that means making mistakes as we learn what we like, and what works - and what doesn't!
I think that seeing you on your style journey, as you are honing your preferences and hopefully having a lot of fun throughout the process, must be an incredibly positive example to a 12 year old girl. Tomboy or no, there's a ton of pressure at that age to look and dress a certain way and to fit in, and I can't help but think that seeing you go through trials and errors but enjoying the journey, and hopefully having positive encouragement through your peers rather than forceful pressure to dress to someone else's standard, has got to be a good thing.

14 years ago

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Yes, Suz, what Kari said! You are so fab and edgy and funny (love those expressions on your 60's look) and I learn so much from your posts, both your WIWs and your always thoughtful commentary on other peoples' threads including mine! You are such a great role model not only for your daughter, but for the rest of us too! XOXO

14 years ago

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