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What to Wear When!

Eirlys

As I have said in another post I have lots of clothes. I'm not boasting, As I've also said, I've been around a long time.

A BIG problem I have is knowing what is suitable for a particular occasion. I could cry when I recall times I have worn something totally inappropriate, knowing all the time that in one of my wardrobes resided the "perfect" outfit.

Weddings and funerals? I reckon we all have something suitable for these occasions. I recently read Angie's tips on what to wear to a funeral and congratulated myself on having got "that" right!

I get it wrong when I am asked out to lunch ; to a barbecue; (yes, honestly! How can anyone get that wrong?) to a re-union; coffee morning. Remember my friends and colleagues are in the older bracket so the ubiquitous jeans don't get a look-in.

In the UK the two fashion experts, Susannah and Trinny have written books about what to wear when. I am not the only one to have viewed the images in consternation.

So, have you had this problem? Do you still have it? Do you consult everyone here before deciding on the appropriate outfit for THAT occasion? Is there a kind of formula one can follow? Or should I have more common sense at my age?

Dressing

29 replies

Latest reply was from Eirlys

Catnip

Veteran

My problem with knowing what to wear occurs when I am invited somewhere different from the places I usually go. I also make mistakes when I think too much about what other people will think and not enough about what I like. If I am dressed up enough for the occasion in clothes that make me feel good, I'm usually OK.

Eirlys

"somewhere different". That's it, Catnip! I am fine the second time round because I have taken on board what others were wearing.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I pretty much beat to my own drum and while others may think I overdress for some occassions I am fine with it, so don't see it as a problem...I think the problem isn't so much the clothes choices as much as it is our own comfort level... There are times when I look at an outfit and resist it as too dressy and head for a middle ground and that seems to be working the best for me...

Beth Ann

Veteran

Pictures and Planning!

I'd recommend taking each of the above scenarios: Lunch, funeral, wedding, barbeque, and creating an outfit for each from your wardrobe. Take a pic of the outfit either on you, or laid out on bed. I prefer to try it on, if I have time, so I can evaluate flattery.

Keep the photos in a folder on your computer or phone, and use it as your "wardrobe planner." Then, when the need arises, you can refer to the pic and spare yourself that hour of staring into your closet on the day of an event!

We'd all love to help, I'm sure!

Beth Ann

Veteran

P.S. I often feel out of step with the crowd when I dress. One of my recent goals has been to learn to be true to my sartorial self while blending in enough to know I'm also viewed as "appropriately" dressed.

I bet you're already doing better than you think. You may just be going through a style transition.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I am like Tracey and usually overdress. Most of my peers have gotten used to this now, so when I dress "on level" people always ask me if I have to do laundry or something :p

SW Ann

Veteran

I'm 58 y/o, and I tend to overdress for many very casual occasions. My friends and acquaintances have come to accept the fact that I like clothes/fashion, and I have come to accept that I sometimes get "funny" looks. I wear what I like, when I want, and figure I've earned the "right" with my age to wear whatever the @#$! I want. Of course, I'm not wearing a formal, or sequin frock to funerals, or BBQs, or coffee!... I hope you know what I mean.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

@ Ann - ROFL ... sequin frock at coffee would be super fun :3

karymk

Veteran

Eirlys, You don't need more common sense at this age. You need more confidence! I am sure the older gfs love to see you in jeans looks for coffee. The confidence comes from dressing for your OWN pleasure. If you end up out of step with the crowd at a certain occasion, then so be it. You're a big girl now. The only thing you should worry about is doing something offensive for the occasion, like wearing a red mini dress to a funeral. And I KNOW you wouldn't do that!

PS your age in itself allows you to dress however the heck you would like!

Helena

Veteran

Hi there, I mentioned this book by InStyle in another post today, so it's a bit top-of-mind, but one of the things I love that it has is guidelines for different occasions, e.g. weddings day and night, religious ceremonies (e.g. a baptism, say), cocktail parties, etc.

Another idea is to search on pinterest to get a pulse on what people wear for certain occasions.

Of course the best thing to do is wear whatever you've got on with such confidence that if you are different, everyone else will think they've gotten it wrong!!

always trying

Veteran

I think I get it right most of the time. My main rule is "when in doubt don't" like if you hesitate about wearing jeans, don't. I also think it is better to be a bit overdresses than under.

Agree you are all right about going to some event or such where you have never been before, or with people or places new to you. I try to be more conservative in these situations. And maybe more appropriately, these situations are to not stand out--wear conservative colors, like more neutrals, keep the brights, reds, etc. for your comfort zones.

I always keep in mind -number 1-most people pay little or no attention to what you are wearing, 2. few people care, and 3. color is what people notice first. And I think how you look in something is far more important than what the garment actually is, unless it is something that stands out.

There is a lady, maybe in her 50's, who comes to a function we all go to weekly. she has nice clothes and dresses well most of the time. Only comment one person said about her is -with her every day is a bad hair day. Her hair does look messy and uncombed-so it is ones overall appearance that matters.

.

rabbit

Veteran

I know someone who really struggles with something a little bit like this (it's not so much that she dresses inappropriately, it's that the process of choosing and/or packing is nerve wracking and very time consuming for her, and that she's rarely fully happy with the result. In talking about it and working with her, I think a big part of the problem is that her wardrobe is just too big, and because she never throws anything out, a lot of it are styles or colors that are dated enough to look subtly off. Endless choice can be paralyzing, and when a lot of the choices are very different in terms of look/color/era, I think she just gets visually overwhelmed with the options.

With my friend, I tried to help her create a cohesive and up to date 'go to' closet, and a 'back up' closet for the season, because she didn't want to get rid of old favorites, but it made daily choices more simple. I don't know if this is the case with your wardrobe at all, or what works for you, but I wonder if artificially reducing your choices as an experiment might be fun to try.

Gaylene

Veteran

Actually, you've posed a really good question, Eirlys. I think part of problem is that we older women were brought up in a era where the "do's and don'ts" of dressing for specific occasions could be fairly specific and, if you didn't confirm to the "code", you could feel quite uncomfortable. While the current advice to "wear whatever pleases you", "have fun with fashion", and "dress to please yourself, not others" is liberating, it's not always that easy to shake off those internalized messages.

My own path has been to not worry so much about what I wear as how I look. To me, this means paying more attention to my hair, eyewear, underpinnings, accessories, and grooming (manicures, pedicures, facials, etc.) than worrying about specific outfits for specific occasions. It seems that if I get these details right, I look appropriate; on the other hand, if any of these details are off, it doesn't seem to matter much what I'm wearing.

Getting a new haircut (including lessons on how to use hair products!) from a twenty-something stylist, going to a high-end bra boutique for a personal fitting (and resultant purchase of some gorgeous French lingerie!), upgrading my handbag and footwear to reflect current styles (hello, pointy-toed flats!), and scheduling regular manicures and facials (girly fun for a formerly "keep it natural", sporty type!) have probably given me more fashion cred and style than buying a host of new outfits.

I personally think that the biggest difference between this era and the earlier ones is that women today pay more attention to these details than we did in the past. Trying to suss out the "right" outfit isn't as critical these days, but the details of how we wear our clothes takes on much more importance for us older ladies who want to remain in the fashion game.

unfrumped

Veteran

I can sympathize ! I generally can figure most occasions out but sometimes it involves a different crowd. I don't HAVE to dress for the pack, but I like pushing the envelope to wear things I don't wear at work, and this swings 2 ways-- more dressy/
trendy/ blingy and possibly 4- hr
footwear, or more jeans and creative-casual. I like to keep a little of both options in play and so to keep trying a few if those looks. . So sometimes if I
misjudge I'll go , darn, I missed a
chance to wear a dress, or darn, everyone was in jeans, or I could have worny sparkle top or footwear.
This of course is in part a sign that right now I am rather work- heavy and
not as big of a socializer!

But as rabbit said, gradually culling out some things and continuing to envision
my most common " occasions" has helped me come up with a smaller but better range of options.
I think of these outfit options as being built from choices such as skirt v pants, denim v not , light( pale or pastel) v dark, warm v cool( weather) and sparkle v not. Not all choices for all occasions but that is kind of the way non- work outfits
end up .

kkards

Veteran

Sometimes i pay a little game. what do I want to wear? What do I think the others will be wearing? What's somewhere in between.

krishnidoux

Veteran

What you describe used to be me. But ever since I have found my new trick, I get it 90% of the time. Here is my trick: plan the outfit, dress up, then go have cup of tea. Come back. Completely dress down, keeping maybe one or two dressy elements tops.

Works all the time!

Caro in Oz

Veteran

There are (at least) two problems with rules:
1. They change - as we have witnessed in our lifetimes.
2. They depend on who you listen to - as you have discovered with T & S.

If I really didn't know what to wear for a specific occasion I would choose based on a). what would make me feel great & b). be appropriate for the occasion, I would do some research to find out what the hostess is wearing or what people had worn in previous years or what people wear to similar events. Then I would adjust accordingly

Forward planning is the key for me too - I think about the types of events I attend & buy my clothes to suit those occasions. I agree with Gaylene - looking like you take care of yourself seems to become more important as we age & I don't mean in a too done up way

Lantana

Veteran

Eirlys I have not had a chance yet to welcome you to the forum.
I am so glad that you have joined this supportive and creative community.

I agree with Gaylene's points but also what I am keen to understand is how do you know that what you wore was totally inappropriate?
What happened that had you feeling this way?
I don't mean to be intrusive; I am just trying to establish the baseline, if you know what I mean.,
Penny

shiny

Veteran

Eirlys, I totally relate to your post. Even at 48 you'd think I'd have this all figured out, and sometimes I do, but still I'm thrown a curve ball every now and then. Those curve balls have in common:

1. Meeting new people for the first time. Because I'm actually fairly shy, on such occasions I am nervous enough. I don't want to stand out. I do want to fit in. There'll be time later once I get to know people to stand out and do my own thing. Accept me first as one of you -- then later you can learn all about my quirks and differences.

2. Traveling to new places, where my Boston style might stick out like a sore thumb. When I travel, I find it helps to blend in. It's easier to connect with the natives and have a more authentic experience.

3. The never-ending struggle to dress in a jeans world when jeans are simply not my favorite clothing item. If the occasion does not require jeans, I find it far, far easier to select something appropriate. But, I've *always* been this way, always struggled with jeans, even when I was in my 20s. I just don't know how everyone else makes it look so easy, why people find jeans to be comfortable, why as soon as they get home, they throw on a pair of jeans. I usually can't wait to take mine off!! (Well, the BF jeans are the exception... those are comfortable and I can lounge around the house in them).

I chuckled when you mentioned barbecue's. That is a great example. I always dress wrong for those too.

Eirlys

Great answers! You have all given me much food for thought!

RABBIT: You are right. I have too many clothes. As a result I am bogged down with choices. I have given so many items away but there is much to do yet.

GAYLENE: Yes, I was brought up to follow unwritten "rules". Shoes must match handbag. Wear a hat! Nice, leather gloves. Don't mis-match patterns.

I don't follow these consciously but they are there lurking at the back of my mind and possibly they still influence me. Interesting!

KARYMK: I do lack confidence though former colleagues would be surprised to hear that. I fought fear on so many occasions, and won (Apologies for the drama!)

SWANN: It's the "funny looks" that throw me, especially if I am on my own. When I am with someone I am fine.

LANTANA: Wow! Your comment struck a nerve. I think I must have the sort of face people look at for the wrong reason. Not conforming would aggravate that "difference" and so I dress down when in my heart I want to dress differently.

Oh dear! As a newcomer I want to blend in and here I am spouting neurotic drivel. My apologies.

THANKS to ALL for the help given here

shiny

Veteran

For me, it's that I don't have enough clothes, rather than too much. Or maybe I have the perfect outfit to wear for an occasion, but it no longer fits, and I find that out at the last minute, because I wear it so infrequently.

Eirlys

SHINY: I'm a hoarder and I still blame WW2! It's hard work de-cluttering, believe me.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Not neurotic drivel at all. That is what we are here for, and what we do best for one another -- provide a sounding board for these concerns and help one another realize that we're not alone in our fears.

JulieJohn

Veteran

Suz is right. We want you to feel comfortable to share your thoughts. This is a good thread topic and I am interested. I think you are among people who want to ride the same edge you do -- between ho-hum and yikes!

MsMary

Veteran

Honestly, I plan on wearing the ubiquitious jeans when I am your age and I encourage you not to discount that option just because of age. For coffee, lunch, barbecues, the easiest answer is "jeans, fab top, fab footwear." I can see how you might not want to go there is everybody in the crowd is in their 80s, but in a mixed-age crowd I encourage you to bust out the jeans!

Failing that, perhaps you can look at some of Angie's "Mom on the Go" outfits and substitute something like ponte pants for jeans.

And finally, please don't worry if you are more dressed up than most people. I got over this some years ago, when a beautiful and stylish colleague of mine remarked offhandedly at lunch one day, "I'm almost always the most dressed-up person, everywhere I go. And I'm okay with that." I remembered that and adopted it as my own motto, and it's been great!

Oh, one more thing about people looking at your face for the wrong reason. I am reading a great book that's about dating but a lot of the advice applies to any kind of human interaction. The author talks about practicing "SEE," which stands for Smile, Eye Contact, and Energy. She recommends that wherever you go, you smile, look people in the eye, and demonstrate some positive energy towards them. I've been practicing it with everybody including strangers on the street, and it's amazing how much positive energy I get back. I think if you were the one to look at people in a positive way, it would help with that feeling they were looking at you for the wrong reason (which I am pretty sure they're not, by the way. We all have our irrational sensitivities in that regard! )

Eirlys

MaryK: QUOTE: The author talks about practicing "SEE," which stands for Smile, Eye Contact, and Energy.UNQUOTE

Another confession! When I am in my confident mood I talk to strangers! Now that isn't "done" in the UK, so my Older Son tells me. Well it usually starts with "your" recommendation: Smile and Eye Contact.

Actually there are a lot of lonely people out there. That's not one of my problems. I have a lovely family, lots of good friends and I like my own company!

Oh dear! I have digressed from my original posting but I guess that is what happens amongst a friendly group.

(I am beginning to have second thoughts about jeans: stretchy narrow-ish bootleg ones in indigo or black. Would a leather jacket be too much of a good thing?) :O)

Linda

Eirlys, I would cheer for you to try those jeans and jackets. I know -- I at first thought, "ugh, a moto jacket, that's so tough-looking, and I'd look awful in one." But, I tried one interpretation in black fleece, on a whim -- it was very trendy and very inexpensive, I think it was at Forever21! -- and I was astonished that it looked great on. And I also figured that never in a million years, would I wear skinny jeans. But I found that if I tried enough pairs on, I found ones that I like, that feel comfy, and that get me compliments too.

I suspect that for me, it takes a bit longer to get my eye accustomed to a new silhouette or new style, than it once did. Sometimes, other people are more surprised, than anything, at dressing in style. I wonder whether some of the "looks" you perceive, are in fact people trying to decipher what it is that is new or different about you, in a good way!

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

I like that instyle book as well, and there was a series of books a few years ago that was called What To Wear, if I recall correctly. Magazines also often have layouts with suggestions and ways to style different items. Here in the US there's a magazine called More that focuses on the over 40 woman, dunno if there's something similar in the UK. I like it even though I'm not quite 40 because fashion that's not for thin 20 something's is so rare in magazines and ads.

It sounds like the primary issue is figuring out what the environmental norms around you are for specific events, and then finding a variation on that that suits your personality and your style. Maybe make a list of what you saw other people wearing at an occasion you were flummoxed by - some other people may have gotten it 'wrong' too but at least you can start to spot some trends.

Eirlys

I have done some serious thinking and one conclusion I have come to is that I buy clothes for the life I used to lead! Now I am long retired I should be concentrating on (smart) casual clothes. I recall reading that Joan Collins said this was a difficult category.

(Maybe it's the feared mutton/lamb scenario also.)