What to wear to a memorial service at a synagogue

The Cat

I will leave the answer to the Jews or others who are familiar with dressing for memorial services in synagogues. However, may I suggest that you change the Category, from General to Dressing?

8 years ago

Staysfit

Veteran

I'm not Orthodox, but my step mother became very interested in Judaism and has been attending services at an Orthodox Synagogue since her parents died. (She was not raised in the religion.). I have seen her wear either dark slacks or a long black skirt when she goes to services. Therefore, I think slacks and a sweater should be fine as long as your arms/shoulders are covered. I don't know of many religious institutions where bare arms and shoulders would be appropriate in this situation. Most of the women will probably wear skirts, but that doesn't matter. I think the men will be separate from the women but someone smarter can correct me. Also, I believe the married women will cover their heads in some way. They may be wearing hats, or maybe even wigs. In the less extreme version they will bobby pin small lace doilies to their head, or if it is a progressive congregation they will wear the same head covering as the men, a kippah. I think the dress code and customs vary from place to place and depend on the congregation and the community. There is no consistency. Judaism is not particularly united in the way people practice. The main unifying piece is the Torah or Scripture. The rest is left up to interpretation by various individual congregations.

8 years ago

Staysfit

Veteran

Elpgal, DH recommends that you try to find out if this is a modern Orthodox Congregation or other type? If they are modern, the slacks will be fine, if they are not, you need to wear the skirt.

8 years ago

elpgal

Veteran

Cat, I don't think I can edit the category but you are right.

Staysfit, I found a listing of synagogues in our area and their synagogue is listed as a 'orthodox' one while others are listed as 'modern orthodox' or 'conservative'. So I think this means no slacks.

Does this mean skirt and stockings or just the below knee skirts. Elbows covered?

8 years ago

Aquamarine

Veteran

I am not Jewish but I have several good friends who are Orthodox and I would suggest that at the very least you cover up your arms and legs for your comfort and theirs. Once I met an Orthodox friend and her young son on a very hot day. I was wearing Bermuda shorts and short sleeves since we would be outside. Her son looked at me and said, "Mommy, why is she dressed immodestly?" I immediately wished my clothing was not the center of attention and that I had chosen to wear something else.

I'll leave the pants vs. skirt and color choice to someone more knowledgeable.

8 years ago

Staysfit

Veteran

Since the listing differentiates between modern Orthodox and Orthodox, which would be more traditional, I think you should wear a long skirt if you have one, and stockings.

8 years ago

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I have Orthorodox Jewish friends and they dress very modestly. Long skirt, hosiery, covered arms and chest - nothing too form fitting. Tailored is fine. Dark colours.

8 years ago

Elle

Veteran

Dressing modestly is the most respectful thing. Shoulders, elbows, knees covered and nothing form fitting. Most women will wear long skirts (midi) with hose, tights, or tall boots. I have worn dark pants (no jeans) and dark tops to Orthodox services but I was probably one of very few women to do so.

It's lovely that you will be there for the family. I'm sure they will appreciate it. That's really the most important thing

8 years ago

rachylou

Veteran

Definitely no showing your shoulders to god. Dark and legs covered to be safe. I always wear dresses in these circumstances. I remember women being given round mantillas (the doilies) to wear (worn esp in what I as a Catholic would call the sanctuary). No flowers.

ps, as an outsider, some understanding will be given, but it will be pointed out. This is something I have found true for both orthodox rabbis and orthodox priests. I find it funny. I don't think protestants ever quite do that the way orthodox Catholics and Jews do... jus' sayin'. Don't worry.

8 years ago

MovingFashionForward

Active Member

Cover your collar bones and wear a long non-tight skirt (definitely below the knees, ideally lower) and at least three-quarter-length sleeves. Also wear closed-toe shoes or at least tights.

I wouldn't wear trousers.

I hope this helps.

Sarah

P.S. Modern Orthodox must be very different from what I'm familiar with if women wear trousers. I have never seen trousers on women in a synagogue (apart from maybe a Reform one once?). I should think you'd definitely feel out of place wearing trousers. I really wouldn't.

8 years ago

Jenni NZ

Veteran

How helpful is this forum? I'm in awe of the great advice. My Jewish friends belong to a Reform congregation and when I went to the Bar/Bar Mitzvahs I was fine wearing what I would have worn to a Baptist church service. And now that I'm no longer a practising Christian, I can agree with you Rachy. Protestants are really really bad at explaining anything they do I feel. I think it's the arrogance of thinking they're right so they don't need to explain! Maybe something for off topic.
Elpgal, I hope the others have helped so that you will feel totally correct in what you choose to wear.

8 years ago

Jenni NZ

Veteran

ETA: Bar/Bat Mitzvahs.

8 years ago

Staysfit

Veteran

MovingFashionForward, women wear trousers in conservative congregations and modern Orthodox also, but as I said above, each congregation is different. Each community is different too, so what happens in one place, may not happen in another.

8 years ago

Anonymous

Are you in the US or Canada? If so, I think all the bases have been well-covered here. But just in case:
If you do own a funeral appropriate dress or skirt that is not very fitted (no pencil skirt, for example) and is at least a couple of inches below the knee, you should wear it with tights or stockings. Otherwise, dark pants and long-sleeved top (sweater or otherwise), closed toe shoes and socks or knee highs will be fine. I would stick with lower-heeled shoes and try to choose a top that is somewhat loose-fitting and long enough to cover your backside - or as close to that as you can get within the contents of your closet.
If you are offered a head covering, do wear it. Expect that men and women will be seated separately - you will be directed where to go. Don't send flowers.
MovingFashionForward, I am curious where you are located? Pants are very common in the Reform and Conservative congregations I have visited in the U.S. and are pretty much the norm for services at the one I attend.

8 years ago

elpgal

Veteran

This forum is awesome! I went to the mall to see what I could find in terms of a long skirt and came back empty handed. Modest clothing is so hard to find! Where do people shop?

The only thing that would have worked was a longish poly skirt from Macy's which I found only because a helpful sales assistant found it for me in the formalwear section. It was out in my size.

My current options are:

Tops: Burgundy Tippi sweater, navy Uniqlo merino wool sweater.

Skirt: Vince Camuto tube skirt which is below the knee and not very form fitting because I lost weight since I purchased it. But it is not completely baggy.

Dress: I have this in black but I think it is too form fitting even with a shawl.
http://m.macys.com/shop/produc.....ryID=71409

Looks like I'll have to go shopping again unless Zappos/Amazon has some options.

8 years ago

Barbara Diane

Veteran

Given that there is variation from community to community and within communities, one option is to call the synagogue and ask them.
And think about how you want to phrase the question-
What is the range of acceptable clothing, or what will most women be wearing?
Good luck in your search.

8 years ago

Staysfit

Veteran

I agree with Barbara Diane, it is acceptable to call and ask. In fact, I'm sure it will be appreciated.

8 years ago

madeline

Veteran

Agree with dark long sleeved top, midi skirt, dark hose and closed dark shoes.
Would add a scarf-conservative print or solid dark color in case you need to cover your head. You can pack it in your purse or add it to your outfit.

8 years ago

Elle

Veteran

IF you are still concerned, I agree with the advice to call the synagogue and ask what women normally wear. Pants may be fine at that congregation. I wouldn't buy anything that you wouldn't use again so I'd wear the Vince tube skirt with a longer top and some hose/tights and closed shoes.

It's lovely that you are going to be there for the family

8 years ago

Diana

Veteran

I think it's a good idea to call and ask but my hunch would be they would be somewhat more lenient for non-believers so long as you are respectful and modest. My go to in this type of situation is usually a black pants suit. Unless pants are really, really not OK, it ticks all the other boxes.

I actually find that places like h&m or old navy are good places to look for inexpensive maxi skirts if it turns out you need one, and they usually have at least one option in black.

8 years ago

elpgal

Veteran

I took your advice and called - it was a man who picked up and said their congregants and visitors dress modestly in skirts. So skirt it is.

I bought a midi Vince Canute skirt, sheer black thigh high stockings and a black scarf per Madeline's suggestion. I'll pair it with navy sweater and flats. I could wear my regular length skirt with knee highs but fear it will offend.

It was a very interesting experience - sacrificing conventional figure flatttery to tick all the boxes. The skirt length gave me quite a bit of grief. DH called me outfit 'mafia-widow' so I think I have the right idea.

8 years ago

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Your DH sounds fun! Think that's a backhanded compliment on the vibe.

8 years ago