what should I wear for a memorial service - YouLookFab Forum

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what should I wear for a memorial service

bridgie

Veteran

Dear Friends: I tend to give more info than ever needed or the other extreme, not enough info. I have avoided coming to you since Saturday morning but here I am. I must act.

What should I plan to wear to a memorial service (date nor location not set yet). To be held in Lexington, KY.

I think Memorial Service is correct term. There has or will be cremation, with the service I am asking help with this weekend or later. I have not attended any funerals or services since 2000.

I can not post pictures.

Thank you so much for your help.

Dressing

27 replies

Latest reply was from The Cat

Penny

Veteran

Angie wrote about funeral attire here, which should be a good resource: https://youlookfab.com/2010/02.....a-funeral/

minimalist

Veteran

So much depends on the social setting; I've been to funerals where even Angie's failsafe formula would "upstage" the family and thereby distract (unconstructively) from their grief.

The corner I know of Lexington, KY would not have that issue; it's just an off-hand example of a memorial-wear challenge that's outside of the classic guidelines.

What dark items do you have in your closet?

bridgie

Veteran

Penny, Thank you so much! I had honestly done research for the type info you sent, but did not come up with anything.

I know this will be helpful and will read it thoroughly

Nebraskim

Veteran

I know literally nothing about your style or your situation, but having just planned the memorial service for my mother, I have experience in what people wore. If it's in a church, expect a little more "dressy" than in a funeral home or other location. If the deceased was older (my mother was 86), many of her friends were similarly aged and they wore "church" clothing. My friends came mostly from work and were wearing work appropriate clothing. I wore a black herringbone skirt, a white button front shirt, a red satin vest (it was my mother's) and a black wool jacket.

Unless the family specifies things like "wear red because it was his/her favorite color" or "family requests no black clothing," then I think you cannot go wrong with a dark bottom (pants or skirt -- meaning black, charcoal, navy or even chocolate brown), a conservative top (not the place for plunging necklines), and a jacket or topper of some sort.

At my sister in law's grandfather's service a month go, many folks were there in jeans or more casual clothing because that was the norm in his small town.

I think it's about respect and not calling attention to yourself as it's not your day, if you know what I mean. I think erring on the side of conservative is the way to go. I am sorry for the event that calls for your attendance at a memorial service.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I'm sorry for your loss, bridgie.

I see this very differently, which might be cultural. Personally, I find it disrespectful to go to a memorial service in casual attire and jeans (unless it was specified on the invitation). Dressing up is respectful, and can be done by not calling attention to yourself. Classic is always a good way to go.

I've been to a few funerals and memorial services. There is absolutely no need to wear black, but make an effort to look polished and like you care. I've also been to funerals in work clothes (because it was during the work day), and simply wore dark colours and no brights (but did wear pearls).

I wore a red bag and red shoes to my Mum's funeral because she always had a pair or red shoes and red bag in her wardrobe. It was very appropriate and I would not have done it differently. My Mum LOVED flowers, so there were lots of women who wore florals to her funeral - which was also very appropriate.

Bonnie

Veteran

Angie is right, classic is the way to go. I wore a gray blazer, gray and white stripe layering tee, and navy pants to a funeral last summer and felt appropriately dressed.

DonnaF

Veteran

I've gone to quite a few memorial services, mostly held at my church, but at my church and my church community we do not do High Church. Suits on men are rarely seen on the chancel, and suits are never seen on the women. The service this Friday will be a "Celebration of Life" so I'm thinking that wearing a lot of black may look out of place. I will dress in a more classic style than usual, but will be constrained by the rain that is predicted. I have one raincoat and it is very, very red.

rachylou

Veteran

I go with sober and plain...

Anonymous

I agree with everything Angie said. If you are concerned that you will be too dressed up, wear dark trousers and grey or dark blue rather than black.

Sal

Veteran

Sorry for your loss.

I do feel I have got it wrong in the past, and did once feel too "evening" at a funeral.

I now wear work attire, simple, dark and classic. I don't worry if it is not all black but tend to stick to more sombre colours unless there is a reason not to.

SandyG

Veteran

Bridgie, I hope the service goes well and you're serene in honoring your friend. My best advice comes from wearing a bit of everything to memorial services, from a dear friend's beloved bright red to all black separates with pearls. Just be sincere in your heart and wear what you think is good. You'll be much more comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, and able to extend yourself to the others grieving there.

Sisi

Veteran

I am sorry for your loss, Bridgie. Unfortunately I have been to many funerals in my life, and I always felt appropriate wearing classic, neutral outfits. I rarely wore black just because I have little black in my closet but blue, navy, grey, beige, cream, brown can be ok. I have worn a pullover + dressy pants, or a pantsuit under a blue coat in cold weather and blouse + skirt or elegant neutral dress under a jacket in warmer weather. Always dressy shoes. I wear light makeup and remove bright nail polish from my nails for funerals, but this is my personal thing and moreover I am from another culture (Italian) so take this with a grain of salt. Hugs.

Style Fan

Veteran

I agree with what Angie said. I have always worn conservative dark simple outfits. I would never wear jeans even if that were the norm for the area. I have been to funerals where there were people in jeans. That seems disrespectful to me unless the person had absolutely nothing else to wear. That was not the case in these situations.
Sometimes people wear something that has meaning to the deceased.

Summer

Veteran

I'm so sorry for your loss, Bridgie.

I echo what Angie and others suggest: understated, classic and polished, unless the family has indicated otherwise.

bridgie

Veteran

I have a few more details now. Not nearly enough.

A Celebration of Life Service will be held at a funeral home Friday April 7th, 11:00am until 1:00pm and then proceed to a graveside service. I am not worried about that part. I will appear and go with the flow. You know, if I am properly dressed I have confidence to handle most any situation.

I called the funeral home and asked if there is a dress code . He said there is not.

I do so much appreciate all the help I have received from my friends here.

Now a list of dark or muted clothes I have, all good quality and excellent condition.

Black and grey ponte knit dress pants. Black, cream, and brown wider leg pants. All are full length (PPL). My two top considerations: a black blouse and a Ted Baker cardi. The cardi is black with floral front (not muted, not brilliant, maybe serene is word for it. The description for it was midnight something or other. I would wear a black, navy or perhaps a lighter cami or shell or tank. I also like it buttoned up. It has tiny rose gold buttons and I have a tiny, button size rose gold necklace I wear with it along with pearls. It is obvious I am leaning toward the sweater. However, if any of you do not think it is right, out it goes for this occasion.

What I do not have---navy or black skirt.. Had them in my closet a long time and pulled them out yesterday and promptly purged them..ugh. I have no blazers except one black and white strip with a denim piping.

I have a lot of black in my closet and just recently decided I do not want to purchase anything else black. And hopefully not wear all black although I can . And to combine navy with the black, as much as possible.

So, I am going shopping for a black or navy skirt, just in case I need it. And may have to shop for a blazer. Hoping not to purchase a blazer, At this point in my life I never wear or need one, unless it is now.

I have to stop now. I know you all will be glad to hear that. lol

Anonymous

Hi, bridgie, I am terribly sorry for your loss. How lovely that you want to honor your loved one by taking care with your appearance.

I have sadly attended dozen of funerals and memorials in various parts of the country and in towns and cities of all sizes.

We tend not to think about it, but I think the number one determinate of how people will dress for a funeral is simply what do the attendees have in their closets. So in a large city where people often tend to wear more black and more formal clothing, I see more somber and formal attire. Especially if the group tends to work in settings where formal business attire is routinely worn - which is definitely not the norm these days. Even in that environment, an outfit such as you describe would be very appropriate, respectful and mainstream. A number of local mourners will be coming from and returning to work, so their attire will be limited by what is appropriate in their work environment. (Side note: I often see cops in uniform, medical personnel in scrubs at funerals. )

Also, as someone else mentioned, I have observed that services in a funeral home instead of a house of worship tend to be somewhat less formal.

Additionally, in my personal experience, many people feel that it is NOT appropriate to wear all black or extremely somber attire when the family has chosen to title the service as a "celebration of life". I recently went to a "celebration of life" for a woman who always wore vibrant colors. Spontaneously, most of the women who attended wore bright colors in her honor and memory.

If I were choosing for this occasion, I would probably wear your serene cardigan, with a light top, the lovely jewelry you describe and dark pants or a skirt. The floral and light top will relieve the outfit of possibly appearing too dark and somber if the norm is not to dress for "mourning", while the restricted color palette would also be appropriate for a more "funeral" atmosphere.

That said, you should absolutely wear what YOU are comfortable in. And perhaps give some thought to what the deceased liked you to wear, if he/she was the kind of person who expressed an opinion on these matters. As I am sure you know, the family will be grateful for your presence and genuinely will not notice or remember what you wore.

Anonymous

I also want to offer my condolences. I think you could wear your black pants with the serene cardigan and be appropriate and respectful.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you have a fine couple of options to choose from for your outfit. I would go with the beautiful cardigan option, with one of your dark pants. A skirt, if you find one you like, is also a nice option, but I don't think you should feel pressed to find one, as the pants sound nice.

Anonymous

I am also agreeing there is no need to purchase anything specifically for this event. It sounds like the sweater and pants will work just fine. Casual workwear type clothing is what has worked for me in past.

elpgal

Veteran

I went to one last week. The family was dressed in dark colors. The crowd was dressed in an assortment of colors. The common theme was simple lines, no patterns, no ruffles, ties, lace. Very understated handbags. Lots of pant-sweater outfits. I wore a crew-neck navy sweater, black dress pants, navy shoes and stud earrings. Left my wallet in the car. I fit right in.

bridgie

Veteran

To everyone who posted: Thankfully, I am now sorted. Thanks to all of you, I was able to find at least three outfits in my closet and did not shop for anything. I have shoes, legwear, etc, everything in place.

I had intended to make a more personal reply to each of you, but time and energy has prevented that.

I did read and re-read every word you wrote.

Thank you so very much.

Anonymous

So glad you don't need to shop anywhere but your closet. Sending you best wishes and a kitty pic to make you smile.

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Cee

Veteran

My respects for your loss.

Stick with sombre tones, but nothing wrong using a bit of colour.

Anonymous

The outfit you described sounds just right. I am glad that you can put those outfits together from your closet.

misszoe123

Sorry for your loss.
First off i think you should wear what makes you feel comfortable, it aint a runaway but a memorial. Putting that asside i do think it should be somewhat pollished and classic to show you care, maybe a simple black dress or skirt, maybe a little jelewry...?
Either way your outfit won't be the priority for the hosts. They'll be glad you came.

unfrumped

Veteran

My condolences also.
I'm glad you are sorted.
I woulc add , if the floral is muted ( not because un- muted is bad, but because muted is " safer") I think April in KY and outdoors at graveside tolerates a bit of color. It's not that one is trying to be terribly seasonal , but just that the light is different and there's usually a lot of green, grass and trees, so things tend to look a little softer. Also I think dress pants are especially good for negotiating walkways or windy outdoors.

The Cat

Veteran

Sadly, I have had to attend countless memorial services. Based on that experience, I say: Please dress as respectful you are able to. My recommendations are:
- a skirt, kneelength or longer
- a decent blouse or pullover (avoid deep cleavage)
- closed toe shoes
- avoid jewellery that makes noise, and heavy makeup
- neutral or muted colours. (Black is not necessary). Be careful about wearing bright colours unless you know for sure that it was wished by the deceased or is appreciated by the closest relatives. If the deceased was a very young person, or if the memorial held in summertime, white or light clothes may be appropriate or even wanted. If in doubt, always check with the family, and respect their wishes