What I look like to me vs. what I look like to others

My (new!) DH has a poison eye for belting. Specifically, me belting, either over a shirt, sweater or cami, or tucked and with a belt through belt loops. He says it calls attention to my middle, and not in the best way. Naturally enough, I want to look cute to me, but I really want him to think I look cute too. I'm looking for a win/win, here. And he's visual and analytical, so we have some very interesting fashion discussions.

Here is my new insight, thanks to DH and his thoughts about me belting, and aided by some photos taken at work of me teaching a class, wearing a cami tucked in to belted pants, with a cardigan over it: Just because I can angle and pose in the mirror, and "work it" until I can take a mental snapshot of what I look like, and like it, doesn't mean that is what I look like to other people, in motion, and in action, and living my life. I'm not going through life posed and sucked in and at the optimal flattering angle, I'm just charging around with my healthy but imperfect body wearing my clothes the best I can manage. (And thanks to T. Shannon, who made this all come together in my mind just now with her thinking about K/R thread. )

The belting thing? I think maybe he's got a point (tucked and belted was NOT doing me any favors in that candid teaching photo, but it passed the "cute and flattering enough to get out of the house" test that day.) I'm going to look for things that make me happy that don't want a belt, and give this a try.

12 years ago

Peri

Veteran

I am very anti-belt, anti-tuck on me. The funny thing is I've been this way all my life. Even little 8 year old me, no figure of any type, refused to tuck things in. I could explain it based on adult figure, but why have I always hated it?

But, it is an interesting puzzle. We don't really see ourselves, so how do we judge? And yet, we are the ones who have to be happy. Hmmm.

Suz

(website)

It is tough to see ourselves objectively. That's one reason for the photos. I think they help -- but obviously photos don't tell the full story, either. For better or for worse. Maybe we're posing, which makes something more figure flattering than IRL. Or maybe without seeing the garment in action we miss something crucial about the way it looks on us.

In the end I think we have to find some balance between what feels great to us and what the evidence tells us. Other peoples' reactions are instructive but not definitive.

In some cases, we fear wearing some styles simply because someone told us once that they didn't suit us. Well, guess what? Maybe they do now, after body changes. In other cases, it's the reverse. We wear the same old same old, simply because it used to work -- even if it doesn't work any more.

I also think we have to guard against people who are really biased. Your DH doesn't like belting on you. That's one thing. But if he hated belting generally, I'd be suspicious. Because then it would just be his bias and maybe nothing about how you actually look. Of course you might still want to refrain from belting. But it would be good to know it wasn't about you.

ironkurtin

I am gorgeous and no picture or outside opinion will ever tell me otherwise. Belt or no belt!

Sona

I've come over to the dark side. I can belt and tuck with a topper only for the most part. Rather than a cardi try a jacket as a topper and see if you can make it work. In the end if it seems like too much work and not enough happy abandon the idea and you can always revisit later. i highly recommend that you do retry the belted tucked in look in the future though just to see if you still feel the same.

regards,
your tucking and belting comrade!!

DonnaF

How about a semi-tuck or a faux tuck? Admittedly, outside J. Crew and YLF, this is a pretty new concept so your DH may have a poison eye for this look on ANYONE.

always trying

having a non realistic perception of oneself seems to be very common. Just thinking of all the comments on this board about ankles too skinny, legs too short, no waist,,and the list goes on. Also so many q's about how to dress a pear, apple, etc. Yet there is a common thread to so many dressing in a similar fashion, and that includes all the tucking and belting. One has to always keep in mind all the trends are created for the 5ft. 10", 90 lb. models.

Janet

I love IK's response.

Yeah, in my mind's eye, I still have my 20-year-old body. And then I catch a glimpse in a mirror and think, "Who is that middle aged woman?"

Tucking and belting are trickier for most women than conventional wisdom would lead one to believe. I am a fan, but for me, tucking and belting work much better on a low-ish rise because my torso is on the short side and my legs are long -- it helps balance me out and still shows I have a waist. But on high-waisted trousers, tucking and belting looks awful on me.

It's so odd to ponder how we appear to others. So much is relative. Some days I feel like an Amazon woman compared to other women around me, if I just happen to be in petite company. Other times I feel small, but admittedly, that's usually just around my family (three guys over 6'5"!). My husband thinks I'm tiny, even though I'm 5'7" and 140 lbs!

KikiG

I have been on "Team Belt" for years, beginning when I was a tiny little thing in the early 80s, and even a fine gage sweater looked "big" on me. I would belt the sweater to create structure and definition.

Then, in mid life, I discovered the visual magic of the low belt, to make me look less short waisted. But. Now that I take this apart, my, um, bra size was smaller them. I have more tummy now. This may be a case of where my "pro-belt" position was so strong, I wasn't seeking new evidence about flattery.

A lot of DH's object to a belt is that while it often looks fine from the front, the rear view at the waist of the "extra me" is not so wonderful.

K. Period.

I sometimes think belts should come with a warning: "proceed with caution; examine from all angles prior to use in real world." Sometimes belts work, sometimes they don't. Belts at the waist seem to work well for curvy girls with an obvious waist who are trying to emphasize their waist. That isn't and has never been me. When I was an apple, I liked a high belt under sweaters to create a waist and emphasis point. That doesn't work well for me now. My body shape has changed and the clothing cuts/styles I wear have too. I'm a rectangle now, and, like Janet, I like a belt with a lower waist to create hips on me. Sometimes a waist belt will make me look like I have a shape, but sometimes not, so I use it with caution. On second thought, maybe the warning should be "Your results may vary" instead?!? (And for what it is worth, I also used to be very anti tucking, but the front tuck and I are best friends right now.)

I actually have to say, one of the reasons I love doing WIW pics is that the pictures will show me things that I'm not seeing otherwise. Not that they can't lie or mislead us or overly exaggerate our weak points or do the opposite and hide things from us. They just fill out the whole view. So, don't let a few awkward pics convince you entirely, but on the other hand, do use them as another way to see. And if you and the belts and the tucking need a break, that's fine. You deserve to feel great about your beautiful self.

Carla

Janet has already written my response, right down to height and weight and 6 ft 5 in guys! ;-

Jules

I can relate. I know my DH loves my imperfect figure, so when he tells me something doesn't suit me and can provide that analytical, visual analysis as to why - I figure he probably has a point. In other cases, he just doesn't like something (booties and pencil skirt is a recent example), and I think it's more of a preference - he leans towards classic looks, I think.

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