What do you do about a clothing gift gone wrong? - YouLookFab Forum

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What do you do about a clothing gift gone wrong?

Elly

Veteran

I'm very grateful to get to spend time with my family and loved ones this year and know material things don't matter.

However, how do you broach the subject of a clothing gift you don't care for when

a) the gifter knows it fits
b) it is nice enough but not the most practical, but not in obvious ways
c) the gifter thinks it is your style and colors and put a lot of effort in
d) the gifter is close to you and is likely to want you to wear it often and might buy similar things in the future?

Do you claim to like it, suffer through wearing it, rarely wear it and lie about it, or fess up?

General

18 replies

Latest reply was from krishnidoux

deb

Veteran

I gave mine gift like this to my future daughter-in-law because she said she would wear it.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I'd say that I am going through a style shift right now, and it's not quite where I want to go with it.

I had to do that with a sweater my aunt bought me. It fit. But it had glittery sparkle flowers all over it. *barf*

Sylvie

Veteran

If it was someone close to me with whom I don't need to be tactful (ex: Mom), I'd explain to them why it didn't work and the person would be happy to return/exchange it.

If it was someone close to me with whom I did need to be tactful (ex: MIL), I would thank them for the gift but point out that it isn't that practical in x,y,z ways and therefore, this is going to be a very special piece worn rarely and I wouldn't need more like it. Also, given that you have all these practical constraints, if they did want to give you a gift, it would be so much more fun if you could shop together so that you could pick out something exactly right.

For anyone else I'd donate/return/otherwise get rid of the gift.

The way I see it is if anyone is close enough to me that they're going to comment on what I wear/think they have input into my wardrobe, they should be able to handle feedback.

Irene

Veteran

The truth is NOBODY dares to give me clothes as a present because they know I am extremely fuzzy with fit, color and fabric. Not even my mother or my closests friends. It is so easy to go wrong with me lol

With my mother I have returned/exchanged presents before. She does the same with any presents from me she doesn't quite like (not this year, fortunately!!).

I do get accessories from time to time (not that often either) and if I don't like them I accept them anyways. They are normally inexpensive presents (think Secret Santa) so the money spent is not worth making the person upset.

I normally get other things as presents, like sweets, socks (lol), slippers, books and diaries...

Jules

Veteran

I'd wear it a couple of times when I see that person, and/or send an email about how I wore it to work / lunch / whatever and enjoyed it/got compliments. Then I'd let it fade away. If they are perceptive they will notice it didn't turn out to be a favourite and maybe even figure out why. If they aren't perceptive, then it doesn't really matter anyway because they're going to keep on gifting what they will.
If it's my DH, I kinda suck it up a bit more and try to like it, but I don't force it into regular rotation.
I have told my mother, who is quite blunt about what she herself wants from me, not to buy clothes for me anymore and to take me shopping instead. She still buys me clothing but not quite as often...
I think gifts are out of our control, for the most part. I spoke to my mom because she was spending a lot of money on brands I don't like (LaCoste), not taking strong hints, and then bugging me about why she hadn't seen me wear it. She claimed she wanted me to dress better, that I 'deserved' it etc - but it wasn't to my taste so what was the point? It took more than one conversation.

Elly

Veteran

Thanks ladies, I was just wondering if there was a tactful way to deal with a gift that you have no desire to wear ever, yet a gifter that wants to see you wear it often and will actually keep track of if you do wear it.

For me both gifts are a two-fold consideration since if it was just "not my style" I could probably force myself to use them because of the well wishes that are attached, but in both cases there is a practical issue as well.

To be able to use the one I would have to break up a set and seek out a new top in a color I do not wear, or wear it with an old hand-me down top that does not go, although the whole point of the gift was not for me to have to wear it as ugly loungewear. The current top does technically fit, but because of my chest size looks unflattering and is inappropriate, and is a color that looks bad on me. Wearing as is is an option, but it makes me physically and emotionally uncomfortable, and I would not feel comfortable wearing it at home either because I live with men.

Apparently there isn't or I just have no tact because I tried to explain that the top and I just couldn't get along by fault of my boobs and the gifter got very upset.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh dear. So sorry, Elly.

It feels awful to hurt those we care for -- and equally awful to wear or try to wear clothing that just isn't right for us, especially when we are on a tight budget and COULD REALLY USE a few new articles of clothing!!

It's possible that your giver may calm down after a while and recognize that you did not intend to criticize the gift itself -- or the intent behind it. Maybe a note would help? Sometimes it is easier to say it in writing. "I'm sorry to have hurt you with my comments; I truly appreciate the thought behind your gift." Something like that?

Jules

Veteran

Although I'm usually loathe to say anything I think the inappropriate breast issue is so totally legitimate that your friend should have understood - I highly doubt it was a matter of tact on your end. I think people who want to buy clothing gifts have to be prepared for things not to work for all kinds if reasons (this was kind of what forced me to confront my mother, her constant asking what happened to this or that item rather than letting them tactfully fade away).
Hopefully your friend can come to understand it wasn't personal and that clothing may not be the best option for gifts.

Gaylene

Veteran

Well, I guess the only good thing to come out of this misadventure is that your friend is unlikely to buy to you clothing as a gift in the future.

Gifts, especially ones where the person giving the item has gone to considerable effort, are hard to reject without making the person feel personally rejected. But, on the other hand, what do you do with the inappropriate item? My advice would be similar to Jules: thank the giver, suck it up, maybe wear the horrible thing a few times when the person is around, and then let it languish in your closet; if queried, just tell the person it is being dry-cleaned, or saved for a special occasion, or, as a last resort, just murmur something like "oh, yes, I must remember to wear it next time I _____". Once the holidays are over, you can always have a more sane discussion about future gift-giving and maybe set some limits, like "Your handknit sweaters are so interesting, but I have so much trouble choosing between all the ones you've already given me; I'd actually love it if this Christmas we could just exchange CDs, if that's all right with you."

Right now, though, I think you need to make up with your friend if you want the friendship to get back on track. Grab a bottle of wine, or some home-made cookies, or whatever works for the two of you, and head over to see your friend. Apologize for your "insensitivity" but DON"T explain why the gift just wasn't right (the person probably doesn't need to hear it and your aim is not to start an argument), then move on to happier topics, like something you are looking forward to doing in the future. If your friend wants to talk about the gift (or, worst, your ingratitude, bad attitude, or whatever), let him or her talk, but just listen, nodding your head from time to time. Do not try to explain or defend your choices, just let your friend vent and then try to change the topic. Friends are more important than a piece of bad clothing.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I agree with Gaylene friends are more important than a gift of bad clothing. The trouble is if you can't be honest with your friends then you aren't going to have a real friendship imo. There has to be goodwill & understanding from both sides before friendships can grow. A friend who keeps track of how often you wear something, is a bit of a worry for me too.

Elly

Veteran

Thanks ladies---- I think the crisis has been averted. The gifter ended our conversation abruptly yesterday, but we talked today. I normally would have just accepted graciously and lied about wearing it, but this is a person I see many times a week, who I would consider more in the "honest to a fault because we are stuck with each other forever category" like my mother. I told the gifter it was lovely but because I am busty I couldn't wear garments that can't be worn with a bra.

Turns out she simply felt bad because she had forgotten about it. I still felt bad for upsetting her, but am glad that I told her in the end.

Anonymous

I'm so glad that everything has worked out. You were in a hard place. I buy a lot of my sister's clothing but sometimes forget how different our bodies and coloring are. I would not want her to feel that she needed to wear anything that would make her feel uncomfortable or that is not flattering and hope that she will set me straight.

Mander

(website)

Veteran

Urgh. I hate it when gifts are more about them than they are about you.

I have an aunt who tends to do things like this -- last year she bought me two nice quality sweaters in pink, which I don't like, one of which has all kinds of fussy embellishments and sequins, which I also don't like. She called me to ask what color and style I would like better *after* she had already bought them. Sigh.

They are still hanging around and I'm not sure what to do with them. I tried selling them on ebay but no takers so far.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I was brought up to never look a gift horse in the mouth, and the behaviour has stuck. I will never bring up the subject of not liking the item with the gift giver - unless it's Greg. I will also not return the item. I will merely not wear or use the item - or perhaps very sparingly.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

I'm like Angie - my parents ensured we were always grateful for everything, even if it was something we personally did not like.

I used to always tell my son when he was younger and got gifts "what do you say if someone gives you a potato? Thank you for the lovely potato".

The gift, however ill matched to its recipient, may have been the only thing the giver can afford or the person really thought it was the perfect gift. I wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings.

modgrl

(website)

Veteran

I would normally do an Angie, smile politely and say thank you.

I had one exception a few years ago. My mom went through a period of shopping therapy after my dad died. She started buying me lots of inappropriate clothes that she thought I would like. They weren't my size or my style. It felt good for her to give me the gifts but they kept getting worse and worse... I had to put a stop to it. I told her that I am very particular about fit, and that as a very petite person it is often hard to find things that fit well. I showed her how the things she bought, although they may have sort of fit, didn't flatter my post baby apple belly or my 5' tall frame. It was a great relief when eventually she stopped buying me clothes.

krishnidoux

Veteran

My mom gave me this year a flat lace olive green short sleeve cardi, which, no matter how I tried to wear it, fell horrendously on my frame. There were no button holes, and the sides would yawn pitifully away from my body like two sad flaps. Shoulders receded, waist disappeared, length was all wrong.

After keeping it hung intact in my closet for a sufficiently decent amount of time, I rolled it in a ball and hid it in the bottom of a donation bag and that was that.

krishnidoux

Veteran

When my mom brings it up I change subjects.