All sympathy for the issue of changing body shape. It's tedious to deal with, and even less fun if you're not happy with what's happening. I don't have the greatest store suggestions since you're Canadian and may not have access to the same stuff. Here Chico's has nice jeans for the tending-toward-middle-aged figure, and a lot of people like NYDJ too. But of course, Suz is right that if you don't like how jeans fit, you don't have to wear them - they're just such a mainstay of my work-at-home style I defaulted to them automatically. Knit pants or any trouser style could work too if you prefer them or they're easier to fit.

I've read some style books (names escaping me at the moment) that recommend making a list or chart of some sort capturing all you do all week. In other words, figure out all your distinct activities (working at home, going to client visits or meetings, stuff with your family, hobbies or sports, etc.) and estimate a percentage of time for each of those categories. Then you can think of an outfit silhouette or two for each activity, and then take a look at your actual wardrobe and see if you have what you need, and in the right proportions. I suspect Suz is right (as always) that you might be buying based on what you think you should wear rather than what you actually need/want to wear. Myself, I constantly have to relearn Angie's dictum that you should buy clothes for your real life, not your fantasy life.

IF I had a lilac sweater and I loved and looked great in lilac, you can bet these are the items I'd want to wear it with --

1. Jeans in a dark wash
2. Jeans in a light blue wash
3. White jeans... heavenly combo!
4. Cream drapey or wide legged trousers
5. Gray flannel trousers... heavenly!
6. Skirts in grey or cream
7. Silver metallic/sparkly skirt for holidays

... and I haven't even gotten started on what accessories and accent colors I'd add into that...

Basics or essentials or whatever you want to call it, bottoms are just that for me. Because I am hardest to fit when it comes to pants and skirts since I have an apple shape and spindly legs. And also because I refuse to be uncomfortable, and find most jeans to be uncomfortable. But it pays to be persistent - comfortable jeans ARE out there.

And lisap, it's ironic, but I have found it's actually easier now for me to find jeans to fit, since I gained some weight. I have had better luck in the past year or two than in the last decade. So get out there and start trying some jeans on!

Suz - thanks. You already know me a little too well. I am the first to admit many if not most of my troubles have less to do with clothes and more to do with personal /psychological issues. I want desperately to break old patterns, to learn to shop well and thoughtfully, and to be happy with me and how I look. To stop the years of struggling and trying to be perfect, and most importantly, to be HAPPY with myself. To do so is to undo 50 odd years of damage and being told I wasn't quite good/attractive enough and that thinking about fashion and spending money on it is for silly women . Of being convinced that the best clothes that will answer all my needs are right around the corner and that THIS pair of jeans will all of a sudden make me happy. Anyways - bringing the conversation around back to where I intended it to be: where do I start? I am keenly interested in finding out what works for all of you out there with similar lifestyles. Thanks so much everyone for putting up with me. I want to get out of my own way, and have the courage to take the steps I need to get a closet together that I can rely on, and then forget about while I attend to my life

Lisa you are truly fab!! Nailing and naming what's behind all of this will make a difference. You are already on your way. I really want to play in your closet lol. I suspect things are no where near as bad as you feel they are:)

I am little help because I don't do capsules and while I am practical I am also emotional when it comes to my wardrobe.

I think you do need a clean out and review of everything in your closet. We can help.

Again I don't do loads of wardrobe assessment but I did start to ask myself questions such as:

Pants or Skirts?
I prefer pants. Hence, I have stopped buying skirts that I never wear:)
I do have some skirts but they have been very carefully selected in line with my style preferences. I could not survive work or play without the right pants. For example, I have a pair of black slim leg pants (I am wearing them today) that a wear at least once a week to work (I work three days) with different toppers. I could happily wear these pants 7 days if I had too. They dress down with the right footwear and topper for non work days too. I do like my clothing to be versatile and go anywhere as much as possible.

Boots or Pumps?
Pumps are so ladylike and classic to me and while I love them, I realised that they do not reflect my preferred aesthetic. Boots on the other hand are perfect for my style. So I no longer buy pumps:) I do have three pairs. Animal print, patent red and a black pair that I have kept because there are times when they are the perfect shoe for an event (my red shoes come out for weddings) but I will not be adding to them in the foreseeable future.

I wont go on cos I am sure you get the idea:) Of course it is not either or for some, but I do think that most of us have preferences and tend to sway more one way than the other.

Would an exercise like this be helpful?

xx

Honestly, if I were in your shoes I would write up a post about my lifestyle and comfort preferences and then take pictures of the 10 items you currently own that you want to wear the very most but are missing pieces to make outfits with. At the very least you'll get a ton of great suggestions for different things to try looking for to make those jewels work, and I believe you have some jewels. You need to quit being so hard on yourself, you are a beautiful lady and having 4 pair of pants you love in your current size is worth it! Heck you can devote more time to figuring out what is going on with your body if you feel good about the basics like getting dressed.

My essentials this season are:

Flannel and soft button downs in a generous but shaped fit
jeans in soft denim
bootcut trousers
pullover sweaters
somewhat boxy jackets to fit over multiple layers indoors (mostly denim and leather)
BOOTS and Booties--- these are so important, I love my chelseas and docs and have a love afair with a mid-calf pair
a great bag I can use daily
slouchy cashmere beanies
a great belt
AND sassy sweatshirts

I don't work from home, but live somewhere bitterly cold which will get plenty of snow and work in a casual/dirty office

I'm also branching out and trying new things and am doing more with texture, shine, and skirts in winter than I ever thought was possible--- wish me luck!

Keep in mind what you will actually wear, but break down boundaries rather than build them up!

From what I have seen of your posts, you have such a wonderful style! You remind me of my friend, TriciaW. I am not going to be helpful on this because I live in an totally different climate and work outside of the home, and if I did work from home, I'd be in leggings and big sweaters, EXCLUSIVELY! I am enjoying this thread very much, and Deborah's system appeals greatly to me. I just don't know if my mixing and matching compulsion could be reigned in. Still... the simplicity of it calls to me... Thank you for posting this. I'm learning lots from the collective wisdom shared here.

Hi, Lisa;
I now work in an office an average of once a week; most of my work is from home. My biggest *must have* is machine washability. If something is DCO, I will *save* it -- meaning it won't be worn. I have also decided I can look nice at home, at the supermarket, and at the library. Oh, and most especially for my UPS delivery guy.

I would like to say and think that this wardrobe thing has a destination, but I really think that it is a continuing process. For example, right now I want to wear all neutrals (mostly gray) and buy only neutrals. I'm not sure how long this will last, but in deference to the season I wore color to a Christmas open house today and will keep my bright red jeans and green puffer vest.

I am still working out MY essentials; I think they have changed since joining YLF. Years ago, I might have said a black pencil skirt and black pants, yet post-YLF I hardly wore them at all. Then, I bought a machine washable black ponte skirt that is as comfy as jammies, and BINGO! It is getting a lot of wear and works well with my rather bulky LL Bean flannel shirt. I wear my utility vest and my moto vest a lot, and last winter I wore my silver puffer vest a lot. But if a fire destroyed them, I would only look for a vest or two, not a close to identical replacement.

I think I would start by thinking about what you like to wear, what you don't like to wear, and the why of each:

Jeans? Maybe too hard to fit and not enough energy for the search, at least for now.
Trousers? For me, they're even worse and the nice ones have to be dry cleaned.
Ponte pants? Hmmm.

Skirts? Too constricting? What about knits? Footwear concerns. Would skirt friendly footwear make a difference? And sizing up in tights?

Blazers/similar toppers? Too constricting? Hard to wear with button front shirts. What about knit blazers/toppers?
Cardigans? Make me feel frumpy.
Pullovers? [Had none pre-YLF] Neck gets cold. Wear with scarf or layered over shirt?

You get the idea. . .

YLF has really opened me up as to the colors and patterns that can be worn together which has contributed to seeing what I have more flexibly. Proportions, however, present a whole 'nuther challenge and are a reason why some pieces don't work together. I also find crisp & tailored does not usually work with soft unless the soft is on top. . .

You've got lots of great advice about the clothes issue, so I am just going to share something I heard on the radio this morning. Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love," was being interviewed by Oprah, and she said "I have come to realize that if the voice in your head is critical and has a harsh tone, that voice is NOT the voice of your highest self." I am also somebody who tends to be perfectionistic and self-critical, so that really resonated with me. Just passing it along in case it resonates with you, too. Hugs!!

Lisap, are you so sure you have a closet full of things that don't work?

I would challenge you to tackle a wardrobe sort before you go out and buy more stuff that you're not sure about and are going to contribute to your sense of frustration. Do a 'shop your closet' project. Another woman's 'top 10' isn't going to provide the key here!

Sometimes the search for an elusive style fix, is more about something else. I think you have articulated that there is more going on than finding the perfect capsule, and you might want to explore that before you apply retail theraphy.

There is so much great advice here already so this may not be helpful. I found capsule wardrobes, as such, ended up doing my head in so I started thinking about my clothes in a different way

I think the only value the "lists" have is as a guide to the types of events we need to have clothes for in OUR lives. For example: I considered the LBD that is on most of these lists. I came up with my version which is a dark neutral pants suit. I can wear it to the same type of events where the LBD would be worn, but I feel much more like me in it than I would in the dress.

I've basically got my needs down to three groups. Very casual/exercise/at home as one group. Still casual but with the option to dress up with shoes, jackets etc. as my second. With fairly dressy weddings, theatre/opera & functions, I attend with my husband as the CEOs wife, as the final group. I started by making sure I had enough clothes, that went together, in these groupings. Sometimes this means buying them together to make sure they all work A lot of my pieces cross over into another group but keeping them separate initially really helped me get a grip on what I actually wore & needed for all parts of my life.

I'm so glad you are persisting with this as I really believe finding our own way through the style maze (with help from our YLF friends) can be powerful & cathartic. Big hugs.

Having negative thoughts doesn't make them true facts. Thoughts are just thoughts and we give them their power. If a negative thought comes into your head, you can choose to look at it and analyse it and decide if it is based in fact or if it is just a random thought without merit, which should be discarded. This changed my life. Instead of letting thoughts decide what I should think about myself, I examined them (all the little patterns that we learn, the self doubt, the negativity) and decided which ones I would allow to have power and influence and which ones wouldn't. It's an ongoing process and you have to choose to confront issues that are difficult, but it works.

Hi Lisa- I am really enjoying this thread. It looks like you are not the only one that has struggled with, or is currently struggling with their wardrobes. This is a tough time of the year when the cold and snow arrive. it makes me want to hibernate until spring (or retreat to Florida)!! There is not much that I can add to the expert advice you are receiving from all the lovely veterans here on YLF but I do have a suggestion for jeans. I too am in my 50's and struggling with the sudden weight gain/shift. I have at least 10 pairs of jeans that fit last year and no longer fit or feel comfortable this year. This is so discouraging and depressing!! I have however found a pair of jeans that I love!! They are by Fidelity Denim. (I thought they were Canadian but I just checked their website and they are made in the US) I have the skinnies with a slightly higher waist and the fit is amazing and they hold their shape beautifully. They are expensive ( about $195) but they have a wonderful stretch and they are not too heavy - I find I am wearing them at least 3 or 4 times a week so my cost per wear is reasonable. Good Luck Lisa!!

Hugs, Lisa. As you know, I experimented with my first planned out mix and match capsule this fall and just that act of putting it together and wearing it was very helpful in allowing me to identify my essentials and what I really need for day to day life. As we've discussed though, it was much easier for me to start from scratch because there is so little in my closet. It's harder to turn your back on a closet full of beautiful clothes. Even so, you seem drawn to the capsule/uniform system so I really think you should just take the plunge. But why not start small? I would find it so daunting to assemble a capsule for an entire season. My capsule consisted of 3 pairs of pants, 2 toppers, and 12 tops. The 12 tops needed to serve 3 levels of casual dress, so I had 3 sweatshirts, 3 basic-ish tops, and 3 blouses. Could you manage something like this? Try it for a few weeks and you will quickly identify items that are essentials and items that need to be tweaked.

I also came across a helpful article last month. There wasn't anything revolutionary about the article and the clothes featured weren't particularly interesting, yet something really resonated with me. I kept staring at the photographs of neatly stacked items. I studied them. I finally realized that I was looking at was the ultimate (for me) essentials capsule. The pieces were polished and versatile. Even though I wouldn't wear every item suggested (hello, leather trousers), I could envision a reasonable replacement. The article has me seriously considering building a much more substantial essentials capsule with the flexibility to mix in old favorites and new statement pieces.

http://www.stylist.co.uk/fashi.....y-clothes-

Good luck, Lisa. It will come together for you!

5-8 pieces for a smart casual lifestyle (my interpretation of must-have lists):
1. Skirt in dark neutral* (sub. pants in other dark neutral)
2. Cardigan in dark neutral (sub. blazer in other dark neutral)
3. Short sleeve top in core/favourite colour (sub. 3/4 sleeve if you run cold)
4. Shorts for weekend wear (long enough to look casual-nice out and about)
5. Cowl sweater in core/favourite colour (sub. other neckline; sub. 3/4 sleeves if you run hot)
6. Walkable/comfortable, low-heeled shoes in dk. neutral - a style that goes with the majority of your skirts & also your personal style (sub. pants; sub. heel height to your preference)
7. Something that can be dressed up in enough for a special/somber occasion, likely dark neutral (skirt & blazer, trousers & blazer, dress, etc.)
8. A good, warm coat (warmth, length, colour, & cut TBD by your style preference)

Colours: 2 neutrals and 2 colours/colour families would be my minimum (in my case, greens and oranges/reds since I can't pick).

*You may prefer taupe or something lighter instead of black/navy/denim; feel free to substitute.

Sweet Lisa - you are a truly beautiful woman, inside and out. And you deserve to love yourself

As for what are the absolute essentials in my wardrobe? Well this is my list for our cold weather (summer is a whole other story):

• A couple of pairs of jeans - one skinny for boot tucking, one BF for casual and one bootcut/trouser for dressing up.
• A few nice weight knit pullovers in luxurious fabrics.
• A great selection of booties/boots.
• Winter coats in a couple of different weights/warmth factors in bright colors - our winters and long and we are wearing our coats for a minimum of 5 months.
• A good quality sturdy handbag.
• A couple of pencil skirts that can be dressed up or down.
• A good blazer.
• A couple of modern cardigans.

Missed Suz's earlier post, referencing me.

For the record, I did not wear my dresses and dressy clothes to work from home. I wear loungewear when I'm at home. But yes, I built a wardrobe of dressy clothes --- and then wore those clothes whenever I left the house. Whether it was to pick my kids up from school, go to the grocery store, run to the mall, or out to dinner/socialize after work. I would just tell myself that nobody seeing me out & about knows that I work from home, so why not dress during the weekdays as if I worked in the office and had just come from the office? It made me happy.

Along the way I wound up focusing on capsules for various social events. Because I WFH, I need to get out of the house frequently on weekday evenings (and thank goodness my DH is such an extrovert). We have a very active social life. So I built mini-capsules with outfits for "meeting friends for drinks" "going to theater" "attending art opening" "trying out the new trendy restaurant" -- and then put creative energy into modifying those outfits to fit the tone and style of the various sections of our city (i.e., it's a very different outfit to wear to the theater in downtown Boston vs in Cambridge).

Often here we have debates about "fantasy" wardrobes -- unlike most, I've always been a proponent of dressing for the life you want, not the life you have. The trick is you have to actually wear the fantasy clothes, not just have them hang in your closet! That's basically been my strategy for years. Because it makes me happy. Also, I've found that it acts in a way to attract the life I want. Maybe it is making career connections while out and about, because I'm dressed in office clothes. Maybe it's being ready to say yes when a gala event rolls around spur of the minute, because I already have clothes for it hanging in my closet.

But, it is true that I'm dressing more casually now than I have in the past! The reason for that is I gained a few pounds at the same time styles changed to more fluid fits/relaxed jeans... and it made finding jeans MUCH easier! I am having fun with that! But, I still mostly reserve the boyfriend jeans (and printed sweatpant jeans) for weekends only. I still prefer to get dressed up during the weekdays. That said I have been giving my dresses a rest lately. But more because I just got bored with them -- after living in dresses for about two years!

Ah! Jennifer, that is really interesting. It actually sounds like our lifestyles are a lot more similar than I realized! No wonder I covet your clothes!

I also have a lot of mini-capsules with overlaps for specific kinds of social events, and it is amazing how different you need to look for these. So I totally get it.

And I hear you on the need for variety, too. Ironically, I've finally discovered some dresses that work for my at-home wear and am wearing the heck out of them!

Lisa, it sounds like you need to start from the beginning with an effective closet review and lifestyle analysis. No shortcuts or quick fixes. It's going to be fun. We are here to support you every step of the way.

You are in the meantime allowed to get some jeans. I vote the AG Nikkis or Jimmy Jimmy's. xo

You know Angie? You are dead right. Short cuts and quick fixes are my downfall every , every time. And thank you for reminding me of that. In fact, I have free time this evening and am planning on pulling every last blessed thing out of my closet, and fortified with hopefully good fitting underwear, trying all the bottoms on. I have had it with this mess, and there is only one place to start. My husband may have a heart attack when he sees the bedroom, but I'll deal with that if it happens. Thanks for the jeans suggestions. I'm not familiar with AG's in terms of ever having seen them at retail or tried them on. I've certainly heard of them . My most common jean size seems to be a 6 now, or a 29 or 30. 4's and 28's were my standard up until this summer, but I don't want to wait to see if I can get back there. How does this brand fit? ( I'll have to order them. ) The only place I carry extra weight is at the top of my hip and in my lower abs.

Lisa, if all you have is one evening, I would encourage you to either clean your closet (pull out everything, dust, vacuum, and put it back) OR try on all your pants. You have to go to sleep in that room, and creating a massive mess that you feel overwhelmed trying to clean up might make you feel even worse about yourself and your closet. Take it one step at a time. No shortcuts. (Creating a whirlwind mess can, oddly, be a shortcut.)

Lisa, if I remember correctly, you are in Winnipeg? The Bay has started to carry AG, Paige, and like brands. You might want to schedule a short shopping excursion if you can brave the shops this time of year to check out fits and sizes. Angie's recommendations are usually readily available in the States, but can be a real hassle to order and ship back, as some of us have found to our dismay.

A great question. I have a casual lifestyle and my essentials are jeans and boots. I am also a fan of a softer look so knitwear is a large part of my wardrobe too (instead of crisp button down shirts).

Gaylene - yeah, Winnipeg. The Bay here doesn't stock much of the higher price point stuff, at least yet. I'll definitely look , but so far the denim department consists of Guess and Jessica Simpson - lol. Seriously. I know Angie's suggestions are for American brands, but I will be looking for the AG's from a Canadian source (if they are in my price range - I haven't yet clicked on them because I'm a little afraid they may be out of my budget)

Lisa, when I did my closet clean out (and you can go back into my posts to read about it -- and see before, during & after photos), I dragged all my clothes out into the dining room. This allowed me to take several days to complete the project without getting all stressed out. I didn't even sort initially - I just made piles on the dining room table, to sort through later, after I'd dusted out the closet. It helped that my kids were away at college so nobody was going to be eating in the dining room anytime soon!

You can read about it but I decided to re-organize my closet according to Vivienne Files method, rather than by item type. So one section for all my black clothes, one for gray, one for white/cream, one for "expansion" (contains combos of those neutrals) and then one for accent colors (blue, blush, red, purple). I mixed all four seasons in together, and only kept out those items that are summer-only (which amounts to one box of clothes, and tends to be those items that need replacement after a single season anyway). Doing it this way, I actually realized I had more than I thought I had that still fit -- because I can layer and get more use out of favorites to stretch their use across seasons. My closet is still organized this way and I find it spurs my creativity!

As for AG jeans, they are my FAVORITE. Not just the Nikki's (which I have), but also the Farrah high-rise skinnies. I duplicated those in two sizes, to allow for weight fluctuations. They are my "go to" skinny jeans.

If you're on a budget, try LOFT for jeans. They've upped their game recently in the jean department.

Lisa, the reason I suggested the Bay is because you can order online and return at the store. That makes a huge difference for us Canucks. The denim selection online is much bigger than in most Bay stores--and the Bay frequently has sales. Try Simons, as well, a Quebec department store, that has a good selection of items at a variety of prices, and provides a good online shopping experience. Both stores let you order a variety of sizes and styles, and make it easy to return the stuff that does not work.

Shiny, unfortunately, LOFT, like so many US retailers is just not available in Canada.

ETA: here's a link to Simon's. Free delivery and they carry Paige, J Brand, Mavi, NYDJ, G-Star and other brands that have made Angie's recommended lists over the years. Prices in $CAN, so no unexpected surprises.

http://www.simons.ca/simons/ca.....Jeans?/en/

Note -- Actually, Loft is available in Canada. But they use Border Free. (UGH!!!)

Shopbop delivers to Canada (free) and they carry the Nikkis. I don't own them but Viva has them and loves them. They are pricey for sure, but sometimes go on sale.

Also --- Dianthus does what I do. She orders to a US address sometimes and crosses the border to pick stuff up. It really cuts down costs if you can spare the time now and again. What I love is that I get the free shipping and I also get free returns if the item doesn't work. Sometimes I pay duty on the way back, sometimes I don't -- it all depends.

Had to pop into Anthropologie to pick up a Christmas gift and noticed they carry AG's. They had the Farrah, but not the Nikki. They are way out of my price range for now . I know it seems counterintuitive - I'll spend that on other things, but $200 for jeans when I feel like crap about my body is not a good thing to do. If I were feeling like a million bucks, or HAD a million bucks, maybe They also had Paige, but again, they were topping out at $240 or something. It's just not going to happen - especially at this time of year where money is going elsewhere . I'm still reeling from spending almost $350 on a pair of Vince trousers last week that I wore once and are now so baggy and loose they look horrible. And that was a sale price. Just sick about that. Nothing I can do with them now, other than try a tailor .

Lisa, I never would've guessed that you were struggling. You always look fantastic in your WIWs.

My five must-haves that I wear to absolute death are:

• Black jeans
• Grey t-shirt
• Black dress
• Black booties
• Denim jacket

I think that we have similar lifestyles Lisa. About 95% casual - and the rest is just a notch up from that with the occasional dressy function thrown in maybe once or twice a year! However, I live in a much different climate than what you do and that will definitely affect your choice of essentials as compared to mine. I also remember that you admitted on another thread awhile back that you tend to buy clothing items without trying them on at the store first. (I used to do the same thing.) I realized though that that was really contributing to the chaos in my wardrobe because I would often end up with things that weren't a perfect fit but not bad enough to return and so then I'd keep them, but more than likely would not ever pull them out to wear because I didn't feel all that great when wearing them. Once, I started mindfully shopping rather than mindlessly shopping my stress level about my wardrobe significantly decreased - so, I'd recommend that one thing you try is to change the way that you shop. No more breezing through a store and just picking up this and that - thinking oh, if it doesn't work I'll just return it! It made a huge difference for me - so it might help you too.

My essentials (off the top of my head) include: (for the current season)
1) Jeans - BFs and Slouchy Skinnies (black, charcoal, blue denim, ivory)
2) Pull-over V-Neck or Crew-Neck Knit Tops (gray, medium blue, ivory, navy, pink)
3) Button down blouses/shirts - silk, cotton (gray, medium blue, pink, ivory, navy)
4) Ankle booties (black or navy or charcoal gray and one in a lighter color - taupe)
5) Sneakers - white, black
6) Moto Jackets - Black leather, Gray mixed media, Navy/Black mixed media)
7) Blazer - Gray, Black

Other items that would not be considered essentials but that I feel like I need to have in my closet at any given time are:
LBD - or an equivalent to the LBD
Dressy shoes - pumps, ankle strap pointy-toes, etc. (black)
Tube skirt or Pencil skirt that can be dressed up or down
Trench Coat
Wool Coat
Dressy Black or Navy or Charcoal Gray Trousers
Casual Dress

I have really narrowed down my color choices and so that has helped me to curb my haphazard shopping habits. I chose 3 dark neutrals - black, gray, navy - and 1 light neutral - ivory. Then I chose 5 to 6 main colors - lighter shades of gray, navy, medium blue, pink, ivory, and various shades of berry. Then I chose a couple of color "pops." (These included some colors that I love (citron) but cannot wear a whole bunch of) as well as some others that I just like, but didn't want to expand my wardrobe to include them in my main colors - such as teal and other cool shades of green. Scarfs, handbags, jewelry, etc. will often times be in one of my color "pops." I have also added cognac (a really horrible color for me when next to my face!) in the form of a color "pop."

Organizing my wardrobe this way has made it seem as though the items seamlessly mix and match with each other - for the most part they do!

Whatever you do - go slow. Take your time - and know that just because you've decided that you're going to change your strategy and get your wardrobe under control and workable, that you're still going to make some mistakes - so go easy on yourself! Make it fun - not a burden!