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Uncomfortable about being called young looking

Echo

Veteran

So, fair warning, this is just kind of a rant over something that has been bothering me.

DH's company sent us to FL recently, and we stayed at a resort with many other employees and their spouses, of all ages. Generally speaking, we all got along smashingly and had a lot of fun. Just one thing made me uncomfortable: a woman of 34 found out my age (I didn't hide it, nor did anyone else - I am 47) and just went on and ON about how much younger I looked. There was a time I would have been flattered, or even retold the story as a humble-brag, but I surprised myself by being REALLY uncomfortable.

First, there were other women there my age, and I didn't feel I looked better or worse than they did. Second, she went so far as to mention it to DH, which made him uncomfortable (she went on about how "lucky" he was). Last, it made me feel somehow objectified. I don't know, maybe I've finally arrived at the age where I want to own it and not pretend to be what I'm not. Striving for looking younger than a person is results in a person lying to themselves and, in a way, lying to others. Don't misunderstand: I want to look good. Everyone wants to look the best the can, but why does that automatically have to translate into looking YOUNG?

Anyway, I wasn't flattered. I was uncomfortable. And even worse, I didn't say anything about it; I mostly tried to walk/wander away whenever she mentioned it, but I should have said something - not just for me, but for everyone. My goal isn't to pretend I'm ten or fifteen years younger than what I am. I'm proud to be who I am and where I am. And my DH is lucky to be with ME, regardless of how old I am or how old I look, because I am awesome. I do not only have value if I look younger than my actual age. I will still have the same value at 80, when I am sure no one will mistake me for "young".

Rant over. Thanks for listening if you made it through.

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23 replies

Latest reply was from gradfashionista

Sal

Veteran

I can understand Echo- I am also 47!! I think she meant it as a compliment but maybe was a bit tone- deaf about your reaction and others.

Anonymous

It is a bit weird for her to have kept carrying on about it, I agree.

rachylou

Veteran

People under 40 are very silly about age. When I was 25, I thought my 35 year old boss was 55! They like to talk about your generation v my generation to make distinctions. I say ‘Oh you young people. You know you’re ancient right?’ Remind them of how a 5-yr-old looks at us all.

Windchime

Veteran

I, too, would have felt quite uncomfortable in that situation. Clearly, it was much more about her than about you. I wonder why she felt she needed to go on like that. Chances are she is probably very insecure about her own appearance.

As far as wishing you'd responded differently--it's awfully hard to know what to say when caught in an awkward situation like that, especially when others are around.

cindysmith

Veteran

Yeah, I'd be awkward too

rachylou

Veteran

I wonder what her background is. I also have to say that being a Californian makes me look young to a lot of people. I’m not saying we’re all immature but....

Gaylene

Veteran

Well, save some of that rant for when you are in your sixties and other women think the highest compliment they can pay you is that you don’t look your age! It gets tiresome, and rather insulting, when looking younger than your age is viewed as the most important attribute an older woman can possess. Even odder is that it’s almost always a woman who makes the remark.

It’s the unpleasant attitude towards my future self which I find so offensive.

Gigi

Veteran

Yes, that sounds very strange. I can understand one mention of your looking younger than your age (this can happen to both men and women), but to carry on about it is extremely awkward.

I agree with Windchime. I'm guessing that she was insecure about her own appearance.

Style Fan

Veteran

I like what Gaylene said about the attitude towards future self. What is wrong with aging? It says something about her and how she feels about her appearance or aging or ?

kkards

Veteran

i hear you....honestly i get alot of this about my size....so this is how i've learned to answer...."thank you, i'm so lucky that i picked my parents so well and got the skinny genes"....(you could subsititute anti wrinkle/late grey or whatever else genes)....this pretty much shuts down the comments and reminds them that there is a big part of us that we don't control....

Anonymous

She could benefit from your wisdom and self-acceptance. It sounds like she has some maturing to do.

SW Ann

Veteran

Some people feel the need to "fill the air" with talk because they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say. Changing the subject yourself, if you are ever in a similar situation, might help.

Anonymous

I am always mistaken for being much younger than I am - 61 yo. I will admit, I have great skin and no wrinkles. I eat healthy, workout, and stay in shape. I have a great attitude and live life to the fullest. Age is just a number. People are always asking me for my secret to looking good. I am flattered, but can understand how you felt uncomfortable. I don't try to correct people anymore when they try to guess my age. I am great at changing the subject and turning the attention away from me. When I do, they always get the hint.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I'm with Windchime and Gigi--she probably felt insecure with so many "grown ups" who've already accomplished life tasks she's just setting out on, Pool parties can be awkward anyway, and what gets approval in your 20s is different from what works in your 40s and beyond. If this was the first time she went on a company trip, she may've been trying to learn the norms as fast as she could. She thought she had someone in a similar situation who she could relate to, and then was startled to find out you're one of "them" too.

Some of your concerns sound hard to explain to her, but you could probably shut her down quickly by pointing out what she is saying about everyone else--that they look their age in an unpleasant way/she's insulting them.

Runcarla

Veteran

Good genes, self care, bad genes, hard living, make-up, hair colour, surgery, stylish clothes, engaged personality - it is impossible these days to know what someone's age is. Should it even matter?

*Just at the movies and liquor store!

Momo

Veteran

I have a 40something friend who was told by a 20 something that she was well preserved ! Lol.

rachylou

Veteran

Lol, Momo!

Bijou

Veteran

Momo I was told I was well preserved when I was 35. It made me feel as though I was a pickled cucumber! I guess it was supposed to be a compliment, but really it just made me laugh at how ridiculous it sounded.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I was in my early 30s when a friend of my boyfriend, a guy I'd known for months, was startled to find out I wasn't mid-20s. I thought the phrasing was funny, but it didn't make much of an impression on me otherwise.

These days I do want to look younger than I am, because I'm trying to make a big change in my life, and am aware of aged-based stigma. I won't lie to anyone, and it will eventually come out in conversation ("I was x years old when y historical event happened"). By that point, I hope it will change their perception of what "old" is.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

“Striving for looking younger than a person is results in a person lying to themselves and, in a way, lying to others.”

This is a bit tangential, but do you think Botox, fillers, cosmetics and hair colour fall into the same category, in so far as they are all applied with the aim of looking one’s best self, which often means youthful (not strictly in terms of age, but energetic, having vitality, etc.)? Even something like a blow-out can be perceived as trying to look younger because frizz is ageing (often suggests haggard, tired, etc.).

Lyn D.

Veteran

Gradfash. I do think that Botox etc is perpetuating that young is better, and contributing to our insecurities about the aging process. Not to mention lining the pockets of those who promote these procedures.
I too am uncomfortable about compliments that refer to looking young for ones age. I am proud to be older and wiser. Style is ageless!

Echo

Veteran

gradfashionista: I certainly did not mean my rant as a commentary on practices of beauty; I believe that could be a very interesting discussion, though I haven't actually sorted fully how I feel about it. FWIW, I do not colour my hair or use botox, though I do wear cosmetics. I try not to judge what others choose, as their path may or may not align with my own.

Additionally, I do not necessarily expect everyone to agree with me. We are so culturally surrounded by expectations to remain looking young that it can be hard to choose not to. Many people DO want to remain as youthful looking as possible, and that's their prerogative, too. Again, I try not to judge.

My main gripe was that a person can look GOOD without necessarily looking YOUNG. They are two separate things that often get conflated in people's minds. I do my best to separate the two. I want to look good, but I do not strive to look young. I find it somewhat offensive for others to assume that every woman strives to look as young as she possibly can. I'd rather be recognized for other achievement, first and foremost, and if someone feels compelled to mention looks then saying that someone looks nice is fine - there is no need to go into details about why. Going on about looking young rather strikes me as someone saying, "Hey, you look GREAT today! I know you have that protruding tummy, but the outfit you're wearing really hides it and makes you look slim!" Now, in my case, all of that might be true, but it's TMI. It is a backhanded compliment, just as I view the age-related compliment. What she didn't say, but was still implied, was that a woman of 47 isn't supposed to look that good; in other words, "You're OLD, but you don't look like it! Way to go!" Like many other women, I want the way I look to be seen as "normal". The notion that as soon as women hit 40, they cut and perm their hair and switch to polyester pants is just plain wrong.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

I hear and agreed with what you wrote in the OP—no judgment on my part. Your post just had me mulling over how age serves as a proxy for other features.