Unacceptable Question - YouLookFab Forum

Ugh. I am ranting here because of the damage ONE comment can do to a person. I am friends with a beautiful, wonderful, warm, caring woman who is a fabulous wife and mum. She volunteers at school (I keep telling her to apply to aid so she can at least get paid, but she is happy volunteering), and is constantly taking her kids to enriching activities (dance, rock climbing, science clubs, etc.).

She called me this afternoon on the verge of tears because an "old lady" at the grocery store (a checker) had asked her when she was due. The woman even patted her tummy. Except she isn't pregnant. I feel semi-responsible, because I had recently convinced her to wear the asymmetric tunic tops that she had mentioned so many times. I don't know if the longer top convinced this older woman that she was pregnant (pregnancy styles were far more limited when the older woman was that age), but it has just wrecked her self-esteem.

We went for lunch after her call and then had a glass of wine at my house. I was able to make her laugh that at least the woman at the grocery store thought she was YOUNG enough to be pregnant (I tease her because she is two and a half years older than I am - 47). But still. I am SO angry for her. And I am afraid to visit that store myself, as I have a very similar body type to hers, AND I have recently gained weight.

So although most members here are women and have far more tact than the woman at the grocery store, I just wanted to post a reminder to NEVER ask if a woman is pregnant unless you see a baby crowning.

10 years ago

Anonymous

Oh gosh, I was a witness to something similar last summer. Sitting in a bar, having a pre-dinner drink with a co-worker (and the fact that we were drinking didn't' seem to stop this idiot) , and a man turned and asked my co-worker (who was 50 at the time) when she was due. She was so flabbergasted - then regrouped enough to tell him she was not indeed pregnant. A quick laugh by both - and we went back to talking. She was mortified, but left it at that. I think when something like this happens, you have to remain calm enough to put it into the proper perspective: consider the source, and shake your head in wonder rather than let it get you down. I feel sorry for people so tactless they say stupid things - it's their problem not mine, nor yours. Unless your friend is actively trying to lose weight and get in shape, she just has to let it go - people are idiots..... oh- and the reaching over and touching part? That is crossing a big boundary. Ugh.

crutcher

Veteran

Oh if people would only learn to use the filter in their brains..but I guess that is the answer, many people don't have brains...so why would they bother to filter their responses?...If I were your friend, I would just look the woman in the eye and say, "I'm not, Are you?"...Then I would laugh...It is easier to get the smart mouth going when you are not involved in the actual happening...but my philosophy is not to let them see you sweat or in your friend's situation, angry...I send her my warm thoughts...

Adelfa

This happened to DD a couple of years ago. An older lady (and fellow choir member) in her church, who desperately WANTED DD to be pregnant, thought that she saw a pregnancy bump. Of course DD was mortified and so, actually, was the older lady.

I had to stop myself recently from asking our church pianist when he was going to announce his engagement to his lovely girlfriend--but I had the thought that that would make me one of THOSE older ladies!

Style Fan

It is shocking what people will say and do. I feel for your friend. I was at a work conference and my co worker walked over to a woman we barely knew who was pregnant and patted her stomach. Have we not heard of personal boundaries?

Summer

It never fails to amaze me how tactless people can be. This is one of those questions that should never, ever be asked - along with: "when are you going to have kids?", "when are you two going to get married?", "when are you going to make me a grandmother?", "have you put on weight?" - I could go on. Nobody's business except those concerned, and it can cause real distress. Why don't they think before they speak?

milehighstyle (Linda)

Ugh, this is terrible. People sometimes...

catseye

I got asked a few times in my life. I do have that tummy we apples often sport. You just have to let it go. What can you do? Some people just have no filter.

Luckily I work with some really discreet people. I was like 25 weeks pregnant and no one dared to ask. I remember one old colleague kept looking at my belly and just did not want to ask.

Oh dear Lord. That happened to me once, and I'm not even overweight or anything. I was just wearing an empire waist top. Needless to say, that top never got worn again! What the world desperately needs is lessons in discreetness and tact.

rachylou

What is wrong with people? It's as if no one else's exists for real for them. And even if we all were just cardboard props in their world... C'mon! It is just so wrong to just walk up, stick your arms out and rub your hands all over some one. That makes you a weirdo. Your own children will run away from you if you do that.

And to bring up pregnancy in a personal way is really callous. No one wants to discuss intimate personal physical matters with strangers. There are just so many reasons...

Of course you are absolutely right. But! Addressing your empathetic response and reluctance to go to that store, the things people say are much more about them than you.
She may have made a poor choice of how to go about it but I think the older woman's intention was just to connect with your friend somehow and chat a little about a topic so many of us know so well. She is probably even more haunted than your friend by her mistake.

Deborah

I am sorry for your friend. And I don't know why people think it's ok to say that, particularly when they don't even know the person. You are a lovely friend and it sounds like you were able to lighten the mood:)

Last year, when I was heavier, a professional contact asked me if I was pregnant? I was very quickly able to recognise that she usually saw me in my more tailored pants and jackets but this day I was wearing a draped, waist surrendering dress (it was hot weather). I actually said the same thing you did to your friend. I laughed and told her no I wasn't pregnant but that I was incredibly flattered that she thought I was young enough to be pregnant (I'm 49). Despite being able to just brush it off, it did dent my confidence for a few mins:)

Some people don't have filters on their mouths, and well intentioned or not, they say things that hurt or offend other people. I hear this type of thing all the time at my office, and try my best not to be like that. Still, you can't fix stupid, and it's best to ignore such comments and go about your merry way.

unfrumped

I think it's awful for your friend but hopefully you helped her see it's common and stupid and funny at the same time. I can also see Gaylene's point of view in that in general pregnancy is celebrated and congratulated and experiences are shared. So it's no excuse at all, but may de-demonize the asker.
Because alternatively I've not been able to congratulate lots of people until they practically delivered, because if they did not bring it up, I certainly wasn't going to. And even had to play dumb in conversations about leave of absence, health or anything until someone else said the P word so I'd be on firm ground. And I'm sure they thought I was not interested or sympathetic enough.

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