Trying Hard vs. Trying Too Hard (Monday Musings)

Jewell

So, this morning’s blog post prompted a fascinating discussion. I always enjoy the different perspectives that emerge on topics like this. The concept of “trying too hard” clearly means different things to different people. Some additional thoughts and questions popped into my head even after I posted my initial blog comment. I began to wonder what distinguishes trying hard from trying too hard. As contradictory as it sounds, trying hard is a condition of effortless style. When I think of trying hard, I think of making an effort to look good, confidence in attitude and dress, editing and refining one’s outfits, experimenting, and stepping outside of one’s comfort zone in an effort to grow more stylish.

On the contrary, when I think of trying too hard, the first thing that comes to mind is a contrived appearance (not the “real” me). I think at times TTH might be used to imply ALGO (a lot going on). Also I think TTH involves insecurity, not to be confused with uncertainty. I think a certain amount of uncertainty can be expected when experimenting. A person can be uncertain about how something will turn out while at the same time confident in their choice to experiment. Other words that come to mind when I think of TTH are unedited, costume-y, and fussy.

Perhaps an example will clarify my thoughts. Let’s say I want to make my look edgier, and I begin by collecting photos of decidedly edgy looks. Finally, I make the decision to incorporate one or two edgy items into my otherwise classic wardrobe. I decide to add a moto jacket and say one other item to an ordinary outfit. So, I’m confidently stepping outside of my comfort zone and testing the waters (though I'm uncertain how my new look will be received or if it's really me). That’s trying hard. On the other hand, if I chose to copy an edgy rocker look from head to toe, it would likely look contrived and costume-y. I would surely feel completely insecure and I would likely find myself fussing with my outfit because I had too much going on due to a lack of editing. That is trying too hard.

Anyone else have additional insights to share following today's discussion. Here are a few questions that came to mind, too:

Is it strictly pejorative or can it be constructive to think/say one is TTH? I’m not suggesting that this is a comment we should make about others, but what if a close friend asks your opinion? Could identifying moments when you are TTH promote self-examination?

Is the idea contextual? Does what is considered TTH depend on the dressing norms in your environment?

13 years ago

Dressing

7 replies

Latest reply was from Jewell

Echo

Veteran

I think the term is strictly perjorative. It means different things to different people, as evidenced by the replies to the blog posting, so I don't think it is descriptive or constructive enough to ever be offered in a meaningful way toward someone. Additionally, what I perceive as costumey might fit someone else's definition of breaking out of their comfort zone.

If a friend asked me and if I didn't think it was working for her, I would try to describe why in a real way instead of via tired sayings. If I thought that the boots were too much with the rest of the outfit, I'd say so, or I would try to tell her what I would replace certain items with. And a person also has to realize when their style is simply completely different from that of someone else, and in that case, what I might change in an outfit could be completely irrelevant because we are essentially coming from different style planets, KWIM?

Overall, I think more people ought to try when it comes to how they dress, so I appreciate an overdone look as opposed to, say, pajamas and slippers in public. If I have constructive advice for a friend, I try to give it as specifically as possible. If I were to tell someone they were "trying too hard" they may or may not have any idea what I meant. If their definition of the phrase was different, they might take it in a very different way from how I meant it. I think it's better to just not use it.

13 years ago

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Fascinating thoughts! Jewell, I think those moments when we feel ourselves to be trying too hard are definitely opportunities for self-reflection! I am not sure I would ever tell a friend she was trying too hard. But I might ask her how she was feeling about an outfit (if she asked my advice) as a way of getting at her own process and thoughts. And if she said she felt as if she were wearing a costume, then I don't think she could get better advice than yours to incorporate elements of a new look rather than going whole hog.

13 years ago

rae

(website)

Veteran

Jewell, I had a lot of those same thoughts! I also think of TTH as unedited and sort of a blanket copy effect, whether one would be copying a rock star or a mannequin *just* for the sake of fitting in or being trendy. While I can understand why many think it is a pejorative (e.g. sniping, "Oh, gawd, she is trying too hard!" and leaving it at that), I've never used it that way. When I've ever told a friend she's TTH, it comes as part of a suggestion to be true to herself and not force herself into a look she doesn't truly like just because it's "in" (e.g. "You're trying too hard to make this top work; it's okay to pass it up if you aren't having fun).

13 years ago

ManidipaM

Veteran

Thanks for this, Jewell. I did not comment on the post, mostly because it surprised me a little and I found trying to go beyond the usual idiom of that phrase also a case of 'trying too hard' perhaps. Indeed, I had similar thoughts.

I especially like the distinction you made between uncertainty and insecurity. Similarly, I was thinking in terms of 'lack of confidence', where you can either acknowledge that you're unsure and still try (that's being brave and experimenting, not trying too hard), or you can pretend you aren't worried and actually *be* confident that you've nailed it by buying all the latest trends or copycatting (and that *is* trying too hard, because it is not grounded in self-awareness and recognition of your own uniqueness that needs to be incorporated in your look). It's not just a matter of having a personal style or layering on a new one; I think whenever people forget or try to ignore their personal attributes (their natural colouring, size, shape, height, complexion, lifestyle, physical dexterity) in a bid to BE something different or pretend to be, it comes off as trying too hard. Because it isn't --- and can't be --- a confident fit. It comes from a place where confidence and self-awareness are missing.

Hence yes, I think it is a pejorative, and would be hard to reclaim for positivity.

In terms of the semantics, I think Rae's example of two different uses is key. Saying that someone is trying too hard to do/achieve something or be a certain way ("You're trying too hard to make this top work") is a different usage from the "she looks like she's trying too hard" one. The latter is almost invariably pejorative --- it is, in effect, a judgement. The first is everyday literal use, and the second idiomatic --- and the registers are different.

It's like a proverbial saying vs its literal sense. Like 'dyed in the wool' --- there is an idiomatic sense to it, but you can also use the phrase very literally when speaking of an actual dye job in the textile industry, yes? Meanings become very different though. A key way to test the usage is to try restating it. I can restate Rae's second statement to 'Rae felt her friend was trying to hard to make the top work' makes perfect sense and loses none of the sense of her original phrase --- indeed, this is the same as your 'trying hard', except this friend is doing so to an excessive and possibly frustrating degree. BUT to say 'Oh gawd, she tried too hard' would be quite different in sense from 'Oh gawd, she looked like she was trying too hard'.

You can't alter the tense and numbers in an idiomatic phrase usually, which ends up being a big clue. I think this is an important distinction to make here, if we want to try reclaiming the phrase from its pejorative connotations. And I'm not convinced there is a need to do that reclaiming when we have ways of expressing the same thing non-pejoratively (Rae's very handy example again) already, using much the same words. It's the idiom, not the idea, at fault. Easily abandoned and not missed, I think.

13 years ago

Adelfa

Veteran

To me, at my age, TTH has a connotation of "trying too hard to look younger than you are." As I incorporate new ideas into my wardrobe, I'm constantly checking in with people to make sure I'm not doing that kind of TTH. So far I'm assured I'm not.

I did have someone say some of my recent fashion choices seemed "surprising" but I chose to interpret that as "trying" rather than TTH!

13 years ago

rae

(website)

Veteran

Good breakdown, Manidipa! I love what you said about ignoring personal attributes - I think that is the crux of the matter when it comes to that phrase. I think *this* is where the judgement is centered - not looking down on the effort one puts into a look, but looking down on the distortion (and sometimes flat-out denial) of reality.

Many ladies mentioned dressing too young for their age as an example. I would also think that very skimily dressed individuals are trying too hard to overcome something they don't need to overcome. I also think of my brief time in soft, bohemian colors... I was in complete denial that I was not a willowy blonde, and I still cringe when I look at the photos. Of course there are degrees of judgement with the phrase - generally TTH to squeeze into a tube top 4 sizes too small is received more negatively than TTH to wear a style that doesn't suit.

13 years ago

Jewell

Veteran

Yes, Echo I know exactly what you mean. And I agree that specific feedback is so much more useful that blanket statements that are left up to interpretation.

Suz, I like your way of thinking. Your idea for how to handle a friend who asked your opinion makes me think of those jokes about psychiatrists getting paid to have people solve their own problems. "What's the matter with me, Doc?" "What do *you* think is the matter with you?" LOL But I think that would really work!

Yep, Rae those were my thoughts exactly!

I adore your breakdowns of things, ManidipaM! And I am so saving this line somewhere, "that *is* trying too hard, because it is not grounded in self-awareness and recognition of your own uniqueness that needs to be incorporated in your look." That self-awareness part is key and recognizing that keeps me trying hard instead of trying too hard.

Yes, Adelfa "surprising" should be interpreted as a good thing! When I traded in my t-shirts and sweats for pencil skirts and floral blouses, it was surprising to say the least- lol

13 years ago

Category