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Toxic sister/why I've been gone/SO sorry

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I am SO very sorry for being gone, I honestly felt like whatever I had to say wasn't worthwhile, my opinion meant *nothing* and have finally realized it was mainly because I relied on both my (very toxic) sister and DH for justification, although I am trying to realize my *self-worth* and online (or IRL) self shouldn't depend on them. But she is by far the most negative, bitter, dependant person I have ever known- she has NO ONE besides me to take care of her- no friends, no other family, etc....she is mentally and physically capable of self-care, but I promised my parents before they died, I would take care of her I have gotten SO depressed and repressed my feelings/behavior because of that. I've had a hard time convincing myself I truly deserve friends and support Please know I have been supporting/cheering you all on, from afar

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25 replies

Latest reply was from Marley

Louise

Veteran

I'm a firm believer that *toxic* people are jealous. As you said she has no friends or other family. Big ((hugs)) you are worth 100 of your sister x

Lyn D.

Veteran

Maybe the definition of 'taking care of her' could be changed?
If she is capable, is it possible for you and DH to help her towards greater independence rather than dependence on you?
No need to be sorry for having such a loyal and caring nature BM- my thoughts are with you!

Isabel

Veteran

BM , I once read that if all one does in a relationship is cope, then you must change something or leave. I doubt you parents would have wanted you a physical and emotional mess. Two people drowning is worse than one. I love Lyn's suggesting. Teaching her independence is taking care of her.

Hang in there !

rachylou

Veteran

Always nice to know you're out there

Do you belong to a support group? It's very hard to take care of people with problems like your sister has.

shedev

Veteran

I hope you get the support you need. The way your sister acts is a reflection on her, not you. Take care of yourself. Giving you virtual hugs.

Ledonna N.

Veteran

I empathize with you. Selfcare is the best care. Making a promise to your parents is a good thing. But if it is at the determent to yourself then you should establish your boundaries. What ever you think those should be. Sending peace and blessings your way.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

No need to apologize to us, BM. Here is hoping you can take good care of yourself in this tough situation.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Just three months after my mother's passing I had to get my sister out of my life and I did with no regrets. I see her for Christmas and maybe one other time of the year. I know my mother would completely understand and want this for me.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this and know all too well the pain it causes... I was blessed to have a friend say to me, " I think you need someone to give you permission to let go of your sister. It is ok for you to do so,"

People have to earn the right to be in our lives and toxic people who don't adhere to boundaries must be set free for our own piece of mind.... Self care is of utmost importance or we won't be good for anyone else in our lives.

I know this is difficult and I wish you strength and no feeling guilty for taking care of yourself!

Isabel

Veteran

Oh I LOVE rachy's advice ! YES, a support group would be wonderful for you and a place where they would "get" it.

BTW, what happened with her lung cancer ? Are the spots not growing ?

Gigi

Veteran

BM, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Your opinion is very important here! I hope you can spend some time on the forum again...and we're here to support you.

Have you considered making an appointment with a psychologist? That kind of professional might be able to tell you what exactly to do in this situation, to perhaps separate out what needs to be done by you and what your sister should do herself.

Anonymous

So sorry you're having such a dreadful time BM. Good advice from Rachy and wise words from Tracey. You deserve to think about yourself for a change and do what's right for your own well being and peace off mind. Good to know you're still around BM and know we're here to support you. Take care.

April

Veteran

BMom, I'm always upset when I hear about someone at the end of life extracting a promise from someone else that is likely to suck the life out of that person.

My late father-in-law in my first marriage had done that to my mother-in-law -- made her promise she would never put his mother in a nursing home. Well, his mother intensely disliked my mother-in-law and was very unkind to her, even as they shared a small apartment for years and years. It was a terrible position to put anyone in, and I have to believe that if the deceased could come back and tell us anything it would be, "Forgive me for having you promise that. I didn't mean to make your life joyless, I was just worried."

I agree with Lyn D -- the best way to take care of your sister is to support her independence, not to let her take you down with her.

Jules

Veteran

If your parents were still alive today, what conversation would you have with them about your sister? Do you think they would be able to see that the dynamic is not good for either one of you (surely your sister's dependence and poor treatment of you are not good for her either)?

harmonica

Veteran

I'm so sorry to hear how the relationship with your sister is weighting on you. Might it be a solution to seek professional help, like a support group or something? Someone who is independent and could help you deal with your sister? That could be a way to take a first step to establish a more healthy relationship. I know she's the one with the problems, but she will always be your sister so you need to find a way of not drowning. Family relations are sometimes very complex. Take care, BM!

ETA: I'm not sure I was able put this right... I wish you strength and lots of love.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, I'm so sorry, BM, but I'm glad to see you check in. I agree with all the other ladies -- it sounds like you really need to take care of you. I'm thinking of you and sending good vibes. Please do what you need to to preserve your own well-being, and don't sacrifice your health and sanity for your sister. You say she is "physically and mentally capable of self care" and I think it's time to let her do that. Is there a counselor or therapist you can talk to, to help you through this? Big hugs to you.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Oh, BM, I have also been dealing with a toxic family member... please remember to also take care of yourself! Your parents would not have wanted you depressed. Maybe it is also time to think in terms of tough love - if your sister doesn't even have friends, maybe she needs to hit bottom in order to change and have a fuller life.

Eliza

Veteran

Wishing you the best as you find your way forward. Sorry for your troubles and hope you can take care of yourself. Toxic siblings are tough.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Thank you all so much for your good wishes, support and wisdom, it means more than I can say..... I don't have any insurance that would cover any psych visits, but will look into support groups online/maybe in-person too. My parents did know how she is, but has gotten worse over the years since they passed, for sure. I'm so sorry some have you have been thru toxic troubles too....DH and I have bailed her out financially many more times than I can count- from making her house payments after Mom died till she could get in subsidized housing- about 8 months (she is paying 1/2 of it back at $100 per month-not counting interest, after threatening not to) to putting up money up-front for her apt/moving costs to borrowing her money *every single month* for years-mainly because if she has a dollar, she WILL spend it, no matter what- she wont stop until she is literally down to less than a dollar in her checking acct and counting change- before the middle of the month- every month- meanwhile her apt is filed to the brim with excess food and junk she 'had to' get, to giving her weekly rides to the grocery store, to stopping her from putting up threatening signs to whoever is leaving bags near-not in- the garbage bins, to borrowing her huge amounts for vet bills, etc....not to mention I have gone over and cleaned her apt 3 times when she had inspection notices recently because it was SO freaking nasty it could've been on 'Hoarders' tv show :(. She qualifies for free housekeeping bi-weekly, but wont do it, cuz 'they steal' She knows I wont let her live on the street if she did get kicked out, she would have to move in w/me and Tim, and I would be in jail, or a mental hospital within 30 days, I guarantee it So she feels free to do and say whatever she wants I have tried to stay out of her business and encourage her independence as much as I can, but it usually bites me in the ass... I am left to try and clean up the mess- literally and figuratively- far too many times. She also is hyper-critical of me/Tim and will bring up something from 6 months or more ago. I finally blocked and unfriended her on FB because she would not stop badgering me- for days- because I agreed w/a mutual 'friend' about a dispute they had. She also freaks out if we do not talk by phone every.single.day.Isabel, she got a clean bill of health several months ago....you all are SO right, I cannot keep on like this, for my mental and physical health, it's taking too big a toll on me. Thank you all again!

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Wow, this is so much worse than I imagined! You are being terrorized and held hostage to her antics. This is a tougher situation to untangle yourself from and I would highly suggest getting a counselor to assist you in the best way to do so.

I know for sure that your parents would not want you to drown by helping her, so I hope you can absolve yourself from any guilt in that area. Sending you huge hugs and wishing you the best and praying a solution comes your way very soon!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

((HUGS)) Thank you, girl

SarahTheWhite

Veteran

I am so very sorry! This all sounds so complicated and difficult... I know that I don't have much practical wisdom to offer in the specifics, but what came to mind first is similar to what others have expressed - you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help the person in the seat next to you. This allows you to think clearly and not pass out when they need you most.

The other thing that occurs to me is that this sounds a bit like dealing with children. And what they need most is usually firm boundaries and a well oxygenated parent. They can huff and puff and beat and fram and cry, scream and bully, but when they hit a brick wall of calm they have no where to go... Or the stubborn ones knock themselves out against the brick wall. No one to hurt but themselves. Maybe that's how you can take care of her... Just like a rebellious teenager!

Honestly, I'm in no place to give advice, just offering observations and sadness for this whole dreadful situation. And an enthusiastic vote of confidence for you to express thoughts and opinions and feelings in this safe place with reckless abandon! Everyone here will want to know what you think and feel!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Thank you, that is so kind.... she does act like a child, even telling her Dr. that 'if he doesn't HATE HER, he'll change her thyroid prescription to help her lose weight'. I would love to leave her to face the consequences of her actions, but I end up paying, either in cash, or working my ass off to trying and fix or clean up her messes, so she doesn't get kicked out of her apt building.....

LAR101

Dear biscuitsmom,

Love and compassion to you and your sister, husband and all involved.
I've just skipped around on this thread but read your last few posts.
Having a name for this toxic relationship gives the you opportunity to seek the right kind of insight from books, the web, and can lead to to the right support and counselors. I think you have a co-dependent relationship with your sister. And in addition your sister has some underlying illness/craziness/addiction(on top of craziness). Knowing the nature of her craziness can also help you target the kinds of support and insight you need.
Even if you get a counselor, get one that has a lot of experience with this type of toxic behaviour.

Something about your last few posts reminded me of some literature from Al Anon Family Groups that I read years ago. Something about boundaries and cleaning up the alcoholic's messes and about how one person's illness (alcoholism there) can make the whole family ill. Even though you may be dealing with some other illness/craziness besides alcohol addiction, the 12 steps for Families might help with concretely creating an appropriate boundary so her illness does not make you crazy too.

My cousin also highly recommends the book: "CoDependent No More" by Pia Melody, though I haven't read it and when I was less aware than now, I couldn't read the books she suggested.

As you deal with how crazy she makes you, you may be able to find a name for her craziness ... And if it is addiction, remember often, the addict is self-medicating to address an underlying emotional illness: like depression or anxiety but maybe something else like Borderline Personality, Narcism etc etc

Good luck creating an appropriately healthy boundary with your sister.

Traci

Veteran

This may be a really hard pill to swallow, but I think it's time to ask yourself if what you're doing is really helping her. Some people have a tendency to do as little as they can get by with and if they have someone who they know will bail them out, then they never learn how to take care of themselves. I know it's very complicated, and your promise to your parents makes it even more so. I'm just suggesting you look at it from a different perspective. If you continue to bail her out and fix things for her, how will she ever learn to take care of herself?

I've seen this sort of thing in family members, and the reliant person becomes so resentful. For her sake (and yours, and your husband's) work on finding a way to let her fall. It sounds like she missed that lesson early in life. She really needs to know what a consequence feels like, and that's it's not the end of the world.

And, just to make matters worse, because she doesn't know what it's like to fall and get back up, she's going to throw everything she's got at you to try to keep her way of life. I think you will be so much more at peace if you step back for a while. You really are not responsible for her. Believe that.

Marley

Veteran

Just stop cleaning up her messes and bailing her out financially. You're not doing her any good by continuing to "rescue" her.

Reading your descriptions of what she is like and what she has done and continues to do - and how mentally abusive and stressful the situation is for you - my first thought is, what are you getting out of rescuing her? - rather than allowing her to face the real consequences of her behavior? Because - if you weren't getting something out of this for yourself, you wouldn't be doing it.

So, what are you getting out of it? Does it keep you from having to focus on things about yourself or your life that are unpleasant and/or frightening, depressing,, etc.? Does it make you feel like you are useful and needed and you have a purpose in life by constantly helping your sister clean up her messes? There could be a myriad of reasons why you continue to do what you do.

So, focus on yourself - you can't do anything that will change her - but you can do plenty of things that will change yourself and your behavior. This stressful situation isn't about her - its about you and your continued participation in the toxic "dance."