Under no circumstances let any toxic person, whether it be a relative, friend, boss, etc. be a part of your life or your health (physical and/or mental) will suffer. There are people who know how to handle the toxic person, however, I am not one if them and my heart became severely impacted due to the stress imposed on me by this toxic person. This person passed away 2 years ago and it is amazing how de-stressed I am today. I will never let another person like that into my life ever again.

I have had this conversation a thousand times with my husband, Rae: "How much does it matter that someone is 'family' if my relationship with that person is destructive to my peace of mind? Do we owe family members anything special just by virtue of being related to them?"

I still don't know the answer.

Take a look at the Wikipedia description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/N.....y_disorder and see if the description fits your mom.

If it sounds familiar, then anything you can read about dealing with a narcissistic parent may be helpful to you. (There is a book, for example, called Children of the Self-Involved.)

Sounds like you're on the right track with setting boundaries.

Rae, I am so sorry. Anything regarding a relationship with a parent is easier said than done. There are SO many things that affect our feelings and our decisions about parents, and it is never simple.

So my advice would be not to make any final or permanent decisions. First ask yourself whether you were more at peace during the time you had no contact with her. If you eliminated contact again, would it bring that peace back or would you still experience the anger and anxiety if you heard about her treatment toward your sister? Is your sister willing or able to at least temporarily cut contact with your mum?

If I were you, I'd write your mum a note letting her know that you won't be in contact with her for a while (an indefinite period) because of the way she treats your sister. Tell her that it isn't the way she treats YOU that is or was the issue as much as the way she treats people in general. Tell her that you aren't able to have a healthy relationship with her right now and that you may be able to in the future, but that you can't guarantee that. Don't burn bridges or make any permanent decisions, but think about whether being in contact with her adds anything positive to your life. If the answer right now is no, then I think you need space and no contact to really decide what's right for you going forward.

Thank you very much to all who posted insights here. It means a lot to me that you have weighed in on a sticky subject with such honesty, sensitivity, and lack of judgement.

As always, the advice that keeps resonating with me - which many of you have pointed out! - is that I can only control myself. I can't change my mom - even though she chooses not to say certain things now, I have to accept her negative feelings about my dad and her desire for us to take sides... those things have been there since I can remember, and there is nothing I can do about it. So... failing her magically turning into a different person, what options do I have and, as a few of you have put it, what will bring me peace?

The time I spent away from her was actually great on my end. I can't think of a negative to it aside from being a tiny bit sorry for her. It felt the same as the friend I lost at about the same time... just a nice even keel without having to pick anyone's emotions up off the floor or give out all my support without receiving the same in return. I realize a mother is different from a friend, but somehow that makes it worse.

Anyway, I haven't made any decisions yet. I do know that another family member has offered to help her out financially, but she doesn't want to accept because she'd have to move away from my sister and me. Starting to think it may be better for all parties if we were not "keeping" her here. I don't know if I would write to her or make any kind of announcement about it, either... that would just open the matter up for discussion that I don't have the energy for.

It is interesting to me how the divorce has been so healthy for my dad - he is a whole new person, and our new step-mom is completely loving, supportive, and warm. Totally different life for him. Meanwhile, Mom is just as unhappy as ever, if not more so.

I will have to read some of the suggested books - maybe on an upcoming plane ride. I actually thought I had BPD myself for a while. Never discussed it with my therapist; it was enough for me to know that sometimes my initial emotional reactions are blown out of proportion. I definitely think Narcissism is something mom could have...

Sorry to hear your are going through this situation with your mom. My sister-in-law has a personality disorder and has been creating chaos in the family for some time. I've read the book that Lyn mentions and it was helpful.

It sounds like having her go live with another family member could be a good idea but that is up to you to decide. Does she have a job? I know my sister-in-law got really bad when she stopped working and refuses to go to counseling. I wish I could get all these folks with issues into counseling just for the sanity of the families!

Hugs to you.

Rae, I am so sorry about all this. It is especially complicated when it is a mother because society has taught us that simply the act of giving birth awards one certain privileges no matter what. I don't believe in that because people use it as an excuse to do terrible things and be abusive. And your mom IS being abusive. So to answer your question :

"Is it unfair to cut her out for what she does to someone else, when she does not treat me the same way? "

Absolutely not ! You have every right to take a stand on her abusive behavior on principle. Even if it is not directed at you. If she were physically harming your sister you probably wouldn't think twice, like most of us. It is like a social injustice. For example, just because I am white and have never been on the end of racial inequality doesn't mean that I shouldn't take a stand on it. To me it is the same thing. The strong must take a stand on the character of someone is who abusive to the vulnerable - even if it is not affecting them directly.

Don't think of it as doing something TO her but rather something FOR yourself. That is, to protect yourself from the toxicity that she brings.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rae- I feel for you and wish you the best with this. Your approach is measured and seems to reflect the fact that this doesn't have to be sorted out for all time quickly. Just getting to that point is a lot.

There is a mother/daughter with a similar difficult situation in our extended family. Daughter had a lot of therapy, children of her own and a history of neglect/emotional abuse with her likely BPD mother. She is now out of touch with her mother and feels a peace not possible earlier. There is pain on the part of her mother. Lots of it. This pain is not accompanied by any visible sense of responsibility for how her own issues may have been devastating to her kid. She wishes that more were possible, that her children had an actual grandparent on her side of the family, etc. and has had to acknowledge that her mother isn't able to be that. She has focused on other relationships that fill those roles. Alone, one cannot create a functional, mutually respectful relationship. Toxicity undermines health, peace mind and often, finding one's own way forward. Every situation is different and people must do what works best for them. Finding your way to stand by decent behavioral expectations is probably a gift to all. Hang in there.

Sent in PM.

Rae,

Interestingly enough, I found out that my friend Joy (who is one of the most grounded people I know) cut off relations with her mother years ago. When her sister found out she thought that was a terrific idea. I've kept a reading list on the topic. My own family has its problems and some cousins and I share books and articles. Joy was interested, so I cleaned up the booklist some and can share it with you...

So... here is my reading list on
dealing with toxic parents and healing from childhood abuse. My list does include a few off-topic books
that intrigued me. I put a check mark
before those I have read and recommend.
I think it does help have some idea of what diagnosis the parent might
have (Narcissistic Personality Disorder Or Borderline Personality
Disorder), so you know what you are dealing with. I do think the world is changing. In “Mean
Mothers” the author discusses how
little support adult children of abusive parents get if they decide to
‘divorce’ their parent but in the newpaper articles, the authors discuss how
that can be a healthy path. I hope this
provides some support, solidarity and insight into your experience.

Good Luck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

√ NYTimes: MIND : When
Parents Are Too Toxic to Tolerate

By RICHARD A. FRIEDMAN,
M.D. Published: October 19, 2009

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10.....0mind.html

√http://www.slate.com/articles/....._s_dear_pr

√http://www.slate.com/articles/.....we_the_mot

√ “Mean Mothers: Overcoming
the Legacy of Hurt” by Peg Streep

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

√ "Will I Ever be Good
Enough? Healing the Daughers of
Narcissitic Mothers" by Karyl
McBride, Ph. D.

√ "The People of the
Lie" by Scott Peck

The Drama of the Gifted Child
by Alice Miller

Toxic Parents: Overcoming
Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
by Susan Forward

"Facing Codependence:
What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives" by Pia
Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller , J. Keith
Miller

“All That Is Bitter &
Sweet: A Memoir by Ashley Judd” short section on her personal transformation

“Stop Walking on Eggshells:
Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality
Disorder “ by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger

and

“Surviving a Borderline
Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and
Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth, Freda B. Friedman, Randi Kreger

The Emotionally Abusive
Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing [Paperback]

Beverly Engel (advice on how to change for both parties)

“Daring Greatly: How the
Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and
Lead"" by Brene Brown

“The SocioPath Among Us”

“Emotional Freedom” by Judith
Orloff. M.D.

“Willful Blindness” by
Margaret Heffernan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rae, I have not read the other responses, but to answer your question, I have cut a younger brother out of my life, not for anything he did to me, but for what he did to his little daughter and ex wife. He would bad mouth his then wife and still doesn't see that he did anything wrong. It makes me sick how he has ruined his life, but he is the only one responsibility. The only "help" he wants from me is money. There are some people that can't or don't want to be rescued from themselves. Do what is best for you and your husband.

Rae, I relate to this. My dad and I have not been in speaking terms since 2009. Without getting into too much detail, let's just say he never learns his lesson and keeps leaving a trail of emotional casualties as he goes. I'm tired of getting the life sucked out of me and dealing with the same issue over and over again.

It's hard to cut off family, especially if you're culture places family first. But sometimes, it needs to be done. You can only give so much of yourself to your family and the toxic relative just can't suck the energy out of you.

LAR, wow! What a great list - I have read some of the borderline titles, but it's great to have so many that deal with parents as well. I will definitely order some in once the living situation is in order. Fantastic.

Joy and MKK, thank you also for sharing your experiences. It looks like toxic influences can be anywhere in your life. I admire those who have successfully cut ties, since I was drawn back into the storm once already. It seems like it takes a lot of awareness and confidence to be able to say, "It really isn't me this time. I'm not just being judgmental or emotional. This person is a problem in my life." :T