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To guide a friend or not?

Stuti

I have a friend who is not aware I guess of some dressing mistakes she is making.
1. Too tight clothing. She is small but not size0 prob 2 or 4 but always tries to fit in and buys size 0. Result is muffin top and hanging belly.
2. Same goes for dress so shows all lumps and bumps
3. Wanted to buy boots now wears a pair with more than inch gap.

Again I think she doesn't know. Should I tell her? Or she is adult let her be?
Not that it bugs me but she is very conscious about her appearance and this is creating wrong impression.

Or is it that I am on YLF for more than a year so I notice things that are not notice by town?
I have already suggested that she gets herself measured for bra.

What do you ladies suggest.

General

23 replies

Latest reply was from Stuti

suzyq

Maybe you could point her to this fabulous blog. No feelings would be hurt that way.

unfrumped

Veteran

I think this is really hard unless she asks you about an outfit, or you are with her buying something and could go, hey, why don't you try size x; or, you could wear an outfit with a loose-fitting top or something yourself and say, hey, I'm really loving that looser clothes are trending right now--it's so comfortable.

I think this is harder than if someone wears very baggy things because in that situation you can say, girl, you're hiding your figure, you really can wear more fitted things and yak about not to tight but just right.

Debra

Veteran

It depends on the relationship you have. How close a friend is she? Would she be offended or are you able to give her feedback without offending her? I'd encourage her to join YLF you pick up lots of good advice here without it being directly given and can participate at your own pace.

Anonymous

I agree it's all about what type of relationship you have with her. My SIL is in desperate need of style advice to get out of her dated, frumpy outfits. However, she's very sensitive and gets offended easily. One relative already told her she needs to "quit dressing like she's an old lady" (she's younger than I am), and she got really mad. For this reason, I'm not going to say anything to her unless she asks. All she and my other SIL have asked me so far is where I get my clothes from. I'm sure they both feel the need to find better things to wear, but need more than just being told where to shop. In my case, the store I frequent has a lot of frumpy stuff mixed in with the good stuff, and it takes a lot of looking to find the good stuff. If I let my SIL loose in that store with no guidance, she'd gravitate towards the frumpy stuff--particularly the Mom pants that are tapered and too short. Alas, I bite my tongue and bide my time, hoping she'll eventually ask me for some style tips.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I would say it depends - she is shopping with you, and I expect my shopping buddies to give me honest feedback. Maybe she knows you dress so fabulously, so she hopes bringing you will help that rub off?

I found that leaving "size zero behind" was really hard for me too - but size 4 fits so much better. And you can breathe. :p

Good luck; your friend is lucky to have such a caring buddy in you

Gigi

Veteran

This is tricky. My first reaction is to say point her to this blog. Another possibility would be to tell her that you've been on this blog and learning a lot about style and that you would like to "try out" your newly obtained information by going shopping with her and pretending to be her personal stylist and seeing if you can put together some great outfits for her. She wouldn't even be obligated to buy anything. But this might actually get her to see how she looks in the right size of clothing, which might spur her to think to herself, "Maybe it's not so bad to size up. I actually look good!"

Isabel

Veteran

I agree with everyone else. It is very tricky and depends on your relationship and how she takes feedback. You could try talking in general about clothing. I recently found out that two very good friends of mine were interested in clothing. I had NO idea though I have been friends with each for over 20 years. We've just never talked about it. So it doesn't have to be about her, but about everything that you have learned. And you could say, " Phew, who would have thought that there was so much ! My God, bookending ! Have you ever heard of such a thing ! " LOL !

I love the idea of suggesting this place. You could say, " I love fashion and enjoy YLF so much that I thought you might too !".

The other thing is to suggest you two go "window shopping" and try things on. You agree ahead of time that you won't buy anything but that you want to try things out of your "comfort" range and encourage her to do the same. Like when we are little and do dress up at each others' houses. Then go to lunch or dinner. No pressure. It might be fun. But try to make it more about your curiosity to try new things and ask her to tag along and then encourage her to "play" with you.

Good luck.

Anonymous

Honestly? I think you should keep your mouth shut. Unless she flat-out speaks up and asks for your advice/opinion, I cannot imagine a scenario in which this conversation would go well.

But I'm one of those weird people that always thought the premise of What Not to Wear was a tad cruel. I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if my family/friends were so directly critical of my appearance.

Parsley

Veteran

I wouldn't give fashion advice (or any kind of advice, actually) to my friends unless they ask me to.
Not all my friends dress the way I would choose, but I'm sure they could say the same about me!
It's not my business to tell them how to dress or how to live their lives.
On the other hand, if they ask my opinion, I'd be glad to give it- tactfully, I hope.

K. Period.

Veteran

I agree that it depends on your relationship. I've only been overt about something like this with two people in my life and it takes a really special person and specific personality type for a direct comment to work. Generally my approach is to give lots of compliments to what is being done well. I'd compliment them every single time that they had an article of clothing that fit properly. If they directly ask my opinion on something that isn't working well, I give them the truth without judgment but with compliments on what is working. So if they asked about a too tight pair of pants, I would say, "I would try the next size up. You are very tiny and these don't do you justice because they are too tight. They create bumps where you don't have bumps." And I'd enlist a sales assistant to help me. (turning to sales assistant, "Don't you think so? Could you bring us another pair?" Of course, I could only get away with it with my dear friends and mostly only because they know that I'm really into clothes and fit! This is a tough one, Stuti. I hope you get good advice and it goes well.

BTW, have you considered making this an "Ask Angie" question? She must deal with the issue of how to give the "size up" advice daily.

Isabel

Veteran

I just want to say that sometimes people are open to and looking for guidance but just don't ask.

As many of you know, I gained 33 lbs after my cancer treatments. And it was like I forgot how to dress. I became a sausage in many cases. Then one of my dearest friends said to me, " Are you having trouble with jeans ?" I was a bit perplexed, but then I got it. And I said yes. She told me to try a higher waist "curvy". They worked. And I was grateful. I was not offended at all because it came from such a great heart.

But I think that you need to feel it out. She may be happy with her look. And maybe my friend of 30 years could just tell that I wasn't .

Gaylene

Veteran

I'm with Stacey and Parsley in thinking the potential for hurt feelings and a damaged relationship make this dangerous territory. Even disguising your desire to fix her fashion mistakes by pretending you just are "sharing" your new knowledge could be misinterpreted. Wait until your friend asks specifically for your opinion or help.

I think it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of this forum and be grateful for all the information that gets shared here, but I think it's also important to remember that the aesthetic espoused here is not universal and to respect different attitudes toward fashion. There is a good chance that your friend might not see her current choices as mistakes that need to be fixed.

Helena

Veteran

I agree with the comments that it is probably not a great idea to speak up. For one thing, you might hurt her, for another, she might be quite happy with her clothing as is, and you saying otherwise just creates some negativity in the relationship.

From personal experience I've had the experience of someone encouraging me to be more "confident" and not so conservative ... but that is a reflection of their preference and I am quite confident being conservative, thank you! Although I don't question that it came from a loving place, it just made me doubt myself and was not very helpful really.

I do agree that you could tell her about YLF or any other sites that give advice, and leave the ball with her. Other than that, I'd be inclined to love her as she is and leave it be.

Good luck!

Peri

Veteran

Ditto Gaylene, who always is so eloquent and kind.

Leave your friend alone unless or until she specifically asks for help. Maybe she likes the way she dresses. Maybe she looks at you and doesn't like some of your styles. It is all so personal and you don't know why she is making the choices she is making. How she dresses isn't up to you.

Lyn D.

Veteran

It is a tricky one for sure!
In Australia we don,t even HAVE size 'o' except in some teenage stores and the children's department, although a lot of females want to be a size '10' or US 6 as the ideal.
I have a friend with fashion challenges but she knows my interest and asks for advice on occasions. This makes it easier to handle. I would tend to wait for questions and maybe ask if she would like to shop with you and see how that goes. Good luck!

Glory

Veteran

I agree with the others on not offering your opinion or guidance unless she asks. Unsolicited I think it will come off as a criticism.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Unsolicited advice rarely goes over well. And 'guiding' could be seen as cloaked manipulation. I'd leave it alone unless an opening to talk about it arises.

April

Veteran

Tricky indeed. I think probably the most you could do is to let her know that you've been following a style blog that gives excellent advice about fit and that you'd be glad to pass along some of the tips if she's interested. If she seems pleased and excited by that prospect, great, then you can gently share with her some of Angie's advice. If not, you can let it go and you won't have overstepped.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

What Gaylene said

doubleh

Veteran

I am here on the advice of my SIL. I did solicit the advice, but she was very diplomatic in advising me- sending me links to blogs and telling me "rules" that she learned through one outlet or the other. If your friend didn't specifically ask, I would do as others mentioned and try to weave into conversation objectionably.

On the other hand, I am an interior designer by trade and I would never ever point out a travesty in someone's home (I want to be invited back!). If I absolutely have to say something, I would point out something I liked and then mention how something I "saw somewhere" would look really great with it.

I feel like these approaches are more "conveying information" rather than judging.

Meli

(website)

I've talked to a junior coworker about it. She was complaining about getting turned in for her clothing when 'other girls wear the same stuff and never get called out'. I told her the truth- 'you are freaking gorgeous and have a great body. Your clothing is so tight that I can see things I shouldn't and they're creating lumps where you don't even have them. If you want to be taken seriously you have to get clothes that fit better and cover up a little more.' I wish she would have listened, but she loves the attention she gets and I never say a word, and she knows better than to complain to me.

ManidipaM

Veteran

Leave it alone until a 'hey look I got boots' or 'what do you think of this new...' opening comes up. I have friends, close ones, who do comment on appearance (personal and home), and I keep having to.bite my tongue.

Stuti

I think I am going to keep it shut and when situation arises just direct her to this blog.
@ manidipa this exact boot situation came up. She asked me and I couldn't say anything. REALLY nothing.
She got this new boots tells me got new. Obviously so proud of her new purchase so when asked opinion I said they are nice. I said I have to look a lot since I like nice tight fit at calf. She said she has small calf so that's not going to happen.

So ofcourse I don't have courage and its pretty much consensus that I should just leave her alone. I am not going to try to bother anymore.

Thank you so much ladies