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Tiredness and Sensitivity

Hil

(website)

Veteran

I have been working pretty long and relentless hours in the last few weeks and months and I have been juggling a lot of balls in different arenas of my life, not knowing what to give up on and what to keep working at. I was at a marathon, difficult birth yesterday (judging by the way I feel today, I can only imagine how the mother must feel!!!)

Anyways I came into the office this morning, opened a bitching email and nearly burst into tears. Then came online, read a couple of threads on various sites and started replying and then quickly hit the delete button and bit my tongue so to speak. I'm generally a calm, controlled and measured person (I think) and I find that the more tired, stressed I am the quicker I tend to lose control of my collected state and say (or type) things I shouldn't or ordinarily wouldn't. Probably a good time to just go take a nap - but that's not going to happen today!

I have come to the sad conclusion that my most beloved work - as a doula will have to go. It just doesn't pay the bills, wreaks havoc on my family life and adds more stress than joy I think. I can feel the tears welling up as I admit this to myself.

So... do you all feel like that too from time to time? And how do you cope when a nap just isn't an option?

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22 replies

Latest reply was from Sarah A

RoseandJoan

Veteran

You are inside my head this morning Hil. I wrote this repy to post earlier in the day

"As an aside may I ask a personal question? Given the high pressure, long hours of your work do you feel that tiredness or stress levels may affect how you handle a negative comment? I only ask because I find this to be true for myself."

The type of pressure you describe cannot be maintained for long. In my experience you either drop a ball or risk breakdown. A difficult decision can lead to an easier life in the future.

I personally get very overtired due to my 5 year old's sleep problems and know I have a very short fuse lately as a result.

Anonymous

I too have struggled with this kind of sensitivity and stress before now. I work from home doing dressmaking and lately I made the decision to only take on alterations and not do making from scratch as I can do without the stress. Maybe you will find that your decision to stop being a Doula will be the right one. I guess my answer to how do I cope, is that this time I did something proactive and removed the source of stress.
I do actually feel better now and find I have more time for me. Sending you a hug and hoping you can have a calmer time for the rest of the day.

Anonymous

You aren't giving up on your dream, you are just packaging it up for later.

I definitely notice when I get overwhelmed by stress. This year I am trying to identify those patterns and work on them, because otherwise I get really sick and no one wants to be around a shrieking harpy, including me!

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Hill, for now I will only address one of the issues which resonates with me. I'll read and take in the rest later.

Tiredness.

Get some sleep. Find a way. No is not an option, find a way. Rope in any help to get daily duties off your back, let everyone have junk for dinner - guilt-free, btw - leave the dishes in the sink, clothes unwashed - and go to sleep as soon as you can. There is no way you can do anything tired. Anything. Nobody can.

Funnily, just this morning I was thinking how extreme tired I was last year when we were moving - only to realise it was just an intro to a hectic, tiring stage we're at right now. I honestly have no idea how I'd cope if I had daily job on top of everything I have to take care of now.

I go through the cycles of extreme tiredness regularly because we are still sorting out our life and have learnt that unless I pick myself up everyone will suffer: I - because I'm tired, my family - because they are simply around me all the time and the daily interactions and duties get in the way. I hate myself when my fuse gets short, and it's mostly short when I don't get enough sleep. And it's the first 'commodity' one can seemingly cut down on.

Wrong.

I always say this: remember the security procedures in the aeroplane - if the masks need to be put on, FIRST put one on yourself, THEN assist others - even the children.

Nothing helps see things in clearer light than a good sleep and a shower. Tried and tested countess times.

ManidipaM

Veteran

Preaching to the choir, here, Hil! New babies and paid work seem not to be best friends, even with working from home.

Some days I just give up; others I fall ill(!); yet others I burn the candle at both ends and down the middle, turn into a screaming, sobbing mess...and promise to make it up later while finding solace in the fact that most of us don't recall our first year of life consciously at least.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Back again as I've reread your intro post.

Again, there is no way to cope without a sleep. You will obviously have to make it somehow to the end of the day (work, home), but then get to bed as early as possible.

About work, here is my perspective: you are one very, very lucky woman. You know what you love and want to work.

And yes, you must do what makes you happy, but if some things are mutually exclusive you need to set your priorities.

For now it may be that you have to support the family and do the job that fits around that family - not the other way round. You can make up on time not doing the beloved job, but you cannot make up the time with and for the family.

You are lucky you have another career you can always go back to. You will always have that. But for now, it may just be more sensible to not do it - who knows, perhaps you'll return to it when you can fully give itself to it.

Deborah

Veteran

Hil, thinking if you. Tiredness is the one thing that can push me to the edge. I agree with Ceit, you are not giving up just popping it aside til later. A very wise woman one said that we women can have it all...just not all at the same time:). When I feel as you do it's often time to reassess my priorities. Sending you a big hug:)

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

It happens to me but is usually brought on by a sinus headache that I am not aware of until I notice my reactions are off. The fact that you recognize the feeling and know you need to manage it means you have developed coping mechanisms. The thought of giving up something you love is part of the whole package. I would urge you to get the rest you need and find perspective before making any decisions.

We are have bad days/weeks. It takes maturity to analyze and identify the root cause and ensure you don't let your bad days don't cause grief. You are doing a great job of managing it.

Hugs..

Kristin L

Veteran

I'm sorry Hil. I'm sending you big hugs!

I've been having a rough day or so as well and when I can't take a nap, it helps for me to just get away. Even if it's a 15 minute walk. And I'll call my mom or a friend and just vent. Then, I can think more clearly and figure out a solution. Would anything like that help you when you're upset?

Agnes

Hil, i hate to think of you giving up the bit you most enjoy. I wonder if there is some other way to bring some of that joy from doula wok into your life without the horror hours? Because you do need to take care of yourself too.

Kim

Veteran

I would have loved to been a doula, or a midwife and actually had the opportunities when my children were young. It's the only job, beside motherhood, that I felt would fulfil me enough to go and spend 4 years at university as an adult.

Realistically however, I realized that the crazy hours you'd have to keep would not work well for my family life. MY kids are my priority. A job that would make me a cranky screaming mess of a mom (sometimes) would not help me meet my goal of being the best mother I could be to my OWN children. Other children would have to wait until mine were grown and I could have more latitude in my sleep schedule.

Many years later now I'm glad I made that decision. My kids have turned out be wonderful people and I'm happy I invested the time (and money) that it required of me. I'm not sorry I didn't become a doula, as a matter of fact now that I realize how important sleep is (to both mental and physical health) I'm not likely to ever become a birthing doula. I may consider a post--partum doula who works with mom's in the early days, but that would have much more regular hours.

Yes it's a big deal to be there for the birth of a baby, but to me it's even better to set a new mom off on the right track and help give her confidence she's going to need to be a good mom of the next 20 years or so! The birth is only one day. Post partum is forever! LOL

Hope you found time to squeeze in a nap!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Hil, big hugs!!

It can be so tough to do it all. You are not alone. Rest will give you perspective and help you decide. Maybe there is a way of stopping temporarily and going back to the work when your children are a bit older.

I definitely feel overwhelmed from time to time. I've found that mostly what I need in those moments is to step back, reassess, and yes, sometimes let something go. Or ask for support. If things are simply too much, I gather my family and say, "I need this from you now." And try to get as specific as possible. I.e. "I need you to cook the supper for the next week, DH." "I need you to take charge of tidying your room, DD." "I need to hire someone to do the cleaning; I can't manage that right now."

Exercise is a huge stress buster for me. Even if I think it takes too much time, I feel so much better, sleep better, and am better able to cope.

Also, I try to find spots of rest and leisure. It sometimes feels like another burden. But it is necessary.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I have put my head down and slept for 20 minutes at work before. I have also borrowed someone's sofa. Sleep is non-negotiable!

Gaylene

Veteran

Hil, you're in a place right now that sounds familiar to many of us. As someone who is not in the trenches of working and raising a family anymore, I think you need to take a breather before you make any decisions.

You've got some good advice here: get some rest, ask your family for support, and take a long look at your priorities. But I'm just putting in a caution note before you drop your doula work to focus on your family obligations. For many women, giving up outside work in order to concentrate on their families can be the right decision, but I'm so glad that I didn't take that route when I was feeling overwhelmed at juggling the demands of a career and a family. Giving up work you love and you find personally satisfying is a huge decision because life doesn't always give you the chance to pick it up again when things settle down--which will happen as your family grows older.

I'd think long and hard about finding a way to incorporate work that you love into your family's life before giving it up. I know that both of my sons are proud of my career and both totally support the women in their lives in their busy careers. I like to think, as boys, they learned those lessons by being part of a family where my work was as much a part of their daily lives as was their father's.

DonnaF

Veteran

Hi, Hil;

Hope you got some much needed sleep since you posted. Are you a solo? A friend of mine is/was a doula, and started finding that working as a solo became unmanageable. Then, she partnered with two other doulas. It made it easier to take time off, they could fill in for one another, yet collectively take on more cases. Later, she limited how many cases she chose to accept and the others were fine with it. Of course, as with any business or personal venture, finding the right partner(s) is the trick! I think this friend is also a breastfeeding consultant and baby/kiddo sleep consultant. Some ideas to consider before giving up the work you love.

My grandma was a nurse midwife to the Japanese immigrant community 80 - 90 years ago. (Obviously, she passed away ages ago!) As part of her service, she bathed the babies and washed their diapers for the first six weeks.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Hil, I literally sleep in the car in the parking lot of the golf course for 20 minutes on my break. Have the BF call my cell to wake me up. Then I sleep for 1.5 hours between that shift and my night shift at the pub. I feel like I'm always working or sleeping lately.
And, yes, it does affect me. I did 2 jobs when I was 39, and 2 jobs with doubles (as I am now) when I was 29. At 43, it's taking more of a toll. I walk 12, 13, 15 miles on my double shifts. And I eat whatever is handy - hot dogs, philly cheesesteaks, breakfast burritos. Not good nutrition. I am worn OUT.
Likewise, I am not here much lately. I can't find the time to contribute meaningfully and so usually only drop in if I'm completely off for the whole day. I've deleted many a post. You are certainly not alone.

Hil

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for all the lovely words and advice! I'm finally off to bed in a few minutes - and looking forward to a good night's rest and a fresh start. Your encouragement and words of wisdom meant a huge amount to me today! I'm glad I have friends here! xxx

rachylou

Veteran

Well, to be honest, I take a nap even when it's not an option. Go sit under a tree for a bit and close my eyes. Lie down in my car. No joke. I agree with Ornella. You can die from lack of sleep (!)

Anonymous

May you have a restful, refreshing, mind clearing sleep tonight Hil. I don't know what the situation with your doula work is, but it seems to me that babies always come in the night! Both of mine did, and I (volunteer) doula'ed for a friend once, and we were up all night with that one. I can't imagine doing that kind of work on a regular basis with a family of your own as well. Still, I'm sure it is very rewarding, and maybe you will be able to figure out a way to keep your foot in the door while still getting the rest you need. DonnaF had some great suggestions. Here's hoping that everything looks better in the morning. Great big cyber-hugs from me!

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I turn into a right female dog when stressed. With my work situation I havve not been pleasant to be around as of late.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I hope things look better this morning, Hil. You were so very right to delete your responses because it's NEVER EVER EVER EVER a good idea to write messages when you are angry, short fused, or extremely sensitive. I have learned this the hard way too. Good job being emotionally intelligent. (((HUGS))).

When a door closes, a window opens. I am sure that your passions will be steered into another direction that works with all aspects of your lifestyle in no time at all. Hang in there. xo

Sarah A

Veteran

Hil, I hope you have gotten some rest and much congrats you your interview. You have gotten a ton of great advice here already but I just wanted to add giving up doulaing isnt necesarily forever. A friend who is a midwife took several years off when her children were young and went back at it when thing werent as crazy at home. We must just do the best we can for the moment. More hugs!