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Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Time for me to shut up

ironkurtin

Veteran

So I have been working out, doing cardio, and eating a paleo-centric no-processed-carb diet for about a year now. I have lost 15 pounds and gone down a pants size (in some brands, two). My shoulders are broader, my waist is smaller, my arms are toned, my butt is "looking good different" (per the boy), and if I lean waaaay back in the right light, I can see a sixpack. Plus my very nice trainer says I am very strong and is happy about my progress, which is so cool.

However, I was intensely dissatisfied with my body. Why did I still have a bit of tummy bulge? Why was I not perfectly cut on my inner thighs? Why was I not a tall, thin, 20-year-old French waif? I was staring at my reflection in a full-body mirror two times a week, and all I could see was flaws.

Well, here's the deal. I am who I am. French waifdom is beyond my grasp. I am not built that way, and that's just the way it is, c'est la vie. And while I COULD be very scary cut and get rid of my tummy, it would be extremely difficult and involve eating almost nothing (although how I can eat less than I do now, I really do not know). Even if I tried, you unfortunately can't control where you lose weight when you lose it; it's likely that my tummy would be the last to go while I lost all the fullness in my face and neck, which at least in my opinion is not a great look for a woman of my age, and it would be bye-bye B-cup. So. Is it worth it? IT IS NOT.

So. If I'm not willing to make these crazy sacrifices, I should really learn to love myself and shut the F up about the little bits that don't measure up to my idea of wonderful.

NOTE! I am not posting this to be told how wonderful I look. I know I look wonderful. (Although my posture could be better.) Just sharing that if you won't walk it, don't talk it. Learn to love it. Life is too short to always be picking on things you can't control.

33 replies

Latest reply was from Jenava

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Hear hear, Dana! We have to stop being so critical of ourselves and learn to love ourselves. I am proud of all that you have accomplished!

elpgal

Veteran

Glad you are in a good place, IK. When I was in the same boat a few years ago, I took up skiing. Loved it and felt super proud of my fitness level.

Mochi

Veteran

Sing it, sister! You've done enough. You're fantastic. It's so hard, especially when I have a well-meaning friend who's seriously into body-building, and posts about 30 Facebook links a day to hardcore sites where they "encourage" people who don't have the right calves or butt, and we're not even talking about "overweight" people. It's freaking body obsession and I am telling you, it's not healthy. (I originally wrote those last two words in caps.)

Easier said than done, but I am really glad you have so succinctly worded this for all of us.

Vildy

Veteran

I remember I was around 30 and dieting yet again because I wanted to look like that French waif and I had to read in a book about wardrobe that the author came to terms with the idea that no matter how thin she was, she didn't have the skeletal structure to look like a model. She didn't inherit that. She would just look underweight.
And I took a look in the mirror and it got through to me. At five feet tall with big bones there was nothing on earth that would make me look fragile, lithe, with elongated fingers, long neck.... and on the tall side. I had wanted to look like some graceful deer in the forest. Not ever gonna happen and those nice sturdy tree trunks are great, too.

deb

Veteran

Good for you!! You are making a healthy choice and I commend you.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

I realize your intention was not to fish for compliments, but I think you look enviably fit. I would kill for your body -- broad shoulders and slim hips. I've got the opposite thing going on. Grass is always greener. Your words are a reminder that I should be grateful for working limbs and good health at my age because really that is A LOT!

Debbie

Veteran

You look great and you feel great and that is perfection in my book!

Gaylene

Veteran

Well, as you've said, Dana, you deserve to be congratulated for accomplishing the goals you set a year ago because you definitely look fabulous right now. And it's great to hear that your trainer is also praising you for your fitness level.

But, I've got to say I've always been a bit dubious about the "healthy living" trend. Now, before I sound utterly mad, let me say I definitely think eating properly, getting enough exercise, and maintaining a reasonable weight is vitally important for everyone. But I also can't shake the idea the "healthy living" mantra, for many women, becomes just another version of the "dieting to look like a picture in a magazine" mentality that has warped the way so many of us think about our bodies.

It's hard not feel a sense of triumph when our efforts to re-shape our bodies pay off, but it can also take a lot of mental courage to know when to call a halt. I loved how my clothes fit after losing 30+ pounds a few years ago and flirted with the idea of exercising harder and restricting my food intake even more to make myself smaller. It took a family picture to show me, while my hips looked great, my face looked thin and a bit haggard. In the past year, I've gained back 5 or 6 pounds--my clothes still fit just fine, but I now also get asked if I'd had "work" done because my face looks so much better. Life is also more fun when I'm not so vigilant about where, when, and what I eat and how often I go to the gym.

We really only get one crack at living, and I guess I don't want to be remembered by my family as a diet or exercise fanatic; I'd prefer them to remember me as someone who had a lot of fun living her life to the fullest.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Hear hear! I so get this, and yet have to continually remind myself of it.

Like Denise mentions, I have issues in the opposite direction (although I never see evidence of larger hips/thighs in Denise's photos). I lost about the same amount of weight you did, Dana, when I started running, and I'd like to lose another 10 vanity pounds, but the weight absolutely does not come off my hips and thighs the way I want it to. It never will. I look at photos from when I was 15 and 115 lbs and it's evident even then that I am and forever will be an hourglassy woman with proportionally slightly larger thighs and hips. I will NEVER have slim hips like I envy in you or others here, and I have accepted this, even though I don't always like the facts. I know I've lamented it here on the forum, and I should stop.

Let's make a pact, shall we?

Life is too short for this. I'm turning 48 in a few days. This is not going to get better -- my peak of beauty was years ago. I am mostly happy when I look in the mirror these days despite the lines and wrinkles, the cellulite and the sagging. I'm healthy and active, my fab wardrobe fits my body, and my husband loves the way I look, so who would I be trying to please by being more demanding of my looks?

Sara L.

Veteran

I understand what you are saying. I've found that I can lose the extra 5-10 pounds I normally carry by cutting out dessert and all liquid calories (beer, wine, soda) and adding one additional workout per week. However, I find that although I know what to do, it affects my quality of life. I enjoy wine with dinner, a beer on the patio, a soda with my sandwich. I like to eat dessert with the kids. I like to workout about 3 times a week but more than that becomes a chore and I don't enjoy my workouts anymore. I've decided that I would rather have the things I enjoy than lose the extra few pounds (which nobody probably notices but me anyway).

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I agree. For me, it's more the change in my post 40 shape, and the newness of a little muffin top. But, yes, my clothes fit, and I am healthy and mobile.
If I choose to, I will concentrate more on exercise and better food choices for a while, but I will also allow myself to enjoy the finer things in life, which for me includes a steak dinner and fine wine - fully loaded baked potato included! No guilt either way, just the realization that there is a ratio of effort to effect and we all need to find our comfort zone there.

jayne

Veteran

Excellent post IK, just what I needed to hear!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Well said, Dana.

I've noticed that the happier I am with my accomplishments, the happier I am with my looks. What I actually look like doesn't seem to matter all that much. If I feel clever and capable, I also feel attractive.

I think we talk about it too much. I appreciate that on a style forum, comments about body shape are going to come up. Fair enough. Clothing must be deployed on real bodies, after all. And the way Angie handles this is exemplary. She makes a point of celebrating ALL shapes. But in life in general, we (women) think and talk about our bodies WAY TOO MUCH. It's kind of embarrassing. I've always admired my best friend because she has never done that. She's got a lovely figure and a pretty face, granted, but she is neither tall nor thin. She's stylish and likes clothes, yet never complains or even comments about her body, or anybody else's. For her, it is what it is.

I've got to add that watching my mother's mind unravel and body wither away has been...eye-opening. I am suddenly extremely grateful for my strong, healthy body.

Kim

Veteran

Excellent reminder and reality check. We need them again and again in this society.

I like what Janet said. "I'm mostly happy with my body." If I were to assign a percentage to the things I like vs the things I don't like I'd say I'm 98% happy with my body as it is, and only about 2% of the things that I "don't like, can't or don't want to work hard enough to change" get far more of my attention. Crazy huh? When, in the rest of my life, would I focus on a mere 2 percent to the virtual exclusion of the 98??

Time to change that around again. I'm going to try and focus on the 98% more, it's so much more pleasant that way! And you get to eat more!!

Lisa

Veteran

This is so true. I also follow a low carb diet and while I have lost some pudge, I also gained some definition (DH always jokes I could make a great body builder if I really wanted to commit to it). I was very frustrated for the longest time that I was not a size 0 and still a pear shape no matter how much I exercised or how little (or cautiously) I ate. Only recently did I realize, I may not be "thinner" but I am much, much healthier than ever before. And health is far more important than being thin. At my thinnest, I was also my sickest (night sweats, etc).

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I am writing a series of profiles "against fitspiration." I hate the judgement that masquerades as encouragement in the fitness industry.

I also believe it is vitally important to eat a nutritious diet, exercise regularly, and take other steps to preserve and safeguard our health. But lf we can't enjoy the good things of life in moderation, where is the joy, the juice? And body hating is such a waste of our precious time and energy.

I spent much of my twenties unhappy with what I had. Those feelings have thankfully dissipated, and I am grateful for it.

Anonymous

I saw an interesting blog post today called Is Being Really Lean Really Worth It?

Ariadne

Veteran

I love this thread!

There are certain parts of my body that will never look the way the media has convinced me they should, because that's how I'm built.

In the last four years I gained about 10 or 20 pounds, because I had much less time for cooking and exercise. Why? Because I gained two children!

For my health (mental and physical) I'm starting to get back into exercise and the kind of eating that works best for me. I've been feeling down on myself in my summer clothes, and this thread is a wonderful thing for me to read today. It's reminded me that even if the number on the scale doesn't change, that's fine. I have a great wardrobe and I know how to dress this body as it is. I want to be more positive; I want to sleep better; I want more energy and mental clarity, for myself and for my family. That's what's important!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Alicat, thanks for that link. This jumped out at me:

"Was she willing to get a LOT more strict to possibly see some SMALL changes in her physique? Her answer was no. And THAT IS OK."

THIS.

My body is not going to change significantly at this point unless I make a commitment to completely knuckling down on my dietary choices and exercising more than the half hour to one hour per day I currently do. Am I willing to sacrifice more of my precious time, or foods I enjoy eating in moderation, for the vanity of some changes in my physique that in all likelihood won't be tremendous? No. And that is OK. I'm not Jennifer Aniston, it's not my job to look amazing.

Gaylene

Veteran

Is "strong" the new skinny? I thought this was an interesting observation:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/.....kinny.html

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Yes, that is exactly what I meant, Gaylene. "Strong" becomes a new (and for some, an equally unattainable) ideal. While the real focus remains on appearance. If we focus on how we feel in our bodies (how good it feels to move) and what we can do, we are much better off. It's a tough message to sell, though, in a world where images are so powerful.

Raisin

Veteran

Such an important message! I really enjoyed reading all the responses here. Our bodies are magnificent machines and they deserve respect in good food, some exercise, rest and a happy mind. We sometimes forgo that last one in an effort to maximize the others. I'm a big believer in choosing to live and be happy. I often remind myself (and DH who tends to run more pessimistic) we only live once. We don't want to be on our death beds wishing we had laughed and loved ourselves more, rather than gone to extremes to fit someone's ideal of beauty.

cobaltblue

Veteran

Nothing much to add except thanks for a great thread. I've been feeling the need to cut back and exercise more to get back to my prepregnancy weight. it's been really bugging me - I think it's that things are crazy right now and I'm looking for something to control. Why am I adding extra stress I don't need? I'll be uncorking a bottle of wine soon.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Fabulous thread. Aziraphale's friend is right imo I try not to buy into those conversations either.

Fit & healthy are my goals. If I start to feel bad about my body I just think, "What would I say to a friend who expressed these thoughts?" I'd NEVER be mean to her or list all the things that were wrong with her body. I would try to help her eat well, exercise & have some fun. So I always try to have the same compassion for myself.

ManidipaM

Veteran

Dana, thank you for this thread. Great thoughts from everyone here. Just what I have been needing to hear.

I have been trying to practise the same philosophy but I realize that though I have shut up, I have yet to stop thinking it in my head. It's frustrating having an extra 6kg of non-baby weight on what was already an overweight body. Upsetting that breastfeeding alone isn't shifting the pounds---I had reckoned without the enforced inactivity of first a c-section and then just being a nursing mother who works from home. Changing my diet much (am actually eating more than pre-pregnancy) is producing unfortunate effects on digestion and lactation...

So. I'm staying put on the scales. telling myself there is such a thing as muscle memory and soon there will be time again for the long walks etc.

Oddly i feel powerful in ways i never did before. But the image in the mirror is powerful too. And, oh, the desperate encouragement on the mommy boards and offers to give the baby a bottle (since he was a month old and knowing I don't want to get into the palaver of all the equipment) while I go for a walk...!

There are women on the boards parking a 3-month-old in the gym next to the treadmill because that baby is too young to stay home because family members issued a 'wake-up call', and others celebrating their 12kg-in-first-month success on the 'fitness' forum while bemoaning the 'lack of supply' and having to resort to top feed (indianism for infant formula) on the breastfeeding forum! They all seem to think they and *everyone* on the board must get 'fit' stat, lest 'unfit' becomes a permanent condition. I can't see how it helps to be so 'fit' that you are unfit to lactate! But their choice and their health (well, their babies' too); I just wish they could see the connection.

I am trying for my part to be patient. Some days are harder than others. But I felt like it was (ha!) a load off the other day when I bought a few clothes in a larger, more comfy size the other day---because I gave myself permission to acknowledge my current size and the fact that I really had already made the choice to prioritise other things just now. Now, I just have to be happy and confident in that choice.

And the obverse of what Denise and Janet are saying: I need to be okay with the change in my shoulder:waist:hip ratio that pregnancy and childbirth have wrought.

I am never going to be 18 again ('ideal' weight, unexplained fainting fits every other day)---and this is not a tragic realization.

Anonymous

Moni, just as anecdata, I didn't lose the bulk of baby weight with my two until I stopped breast feeding! My body held onto those extra pounds with a death grip, I think as a buffer to nursing? Who knows...all bodies are different. But please don't be discouraged if the weight isn't coming off right away. I gained 60lbs with my first and 45lbs with my second. It took time to gain, and it will take time to come off. I was also diagnosed as hypothyroid in my first pregnancy and have been on medication ever since.

I need to get back to exercising, mainly so I don't feel so sore and creaky all the time. I want to be fit and healthy enough to keep up with my kids and be active as possible into old age.

Isis

Veteran

Mani, my post-baby excess weight also did not budge while I was breastfeeding. (I gained about 40 with the first and the second). Despite the claims that the weight would "melt off" (and I had some friends who did become quite skinny while breast feeding), those claims are not a universal truth.

It is amazing that our bodies can actually feed and grow a baby that as it grows into a toddler! Relish this time, and appreciate your power.

For me, once I stopped B-feeding at about a year post-preg., some more weight did come off each time. And I had more energy and time to exercise too.

Isabel

Veteran

Shhhhhhh, do you hear that ? It is a standing ovation ( of one, me ) coming from the east.

Karie

(website)

Veteran

Sing it loud, girlfriend! Be happy with who you are, eat healthy and exercise, but don't forget to enjoy life. Yes I'll have lots of veggies for dinner, but I'll also take a slice of that pecan pie!

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