So...as with everything else, it seems like there is a general rule, and then a whole pile of exceptions. I should have known before I asked!

Good point, Anna, about how not everyone can pull off blond. You must be right, because we all suit some colours better than others. Stands to reason that some people just can't do blond. (Mind you, there are lots of shades of blond...maybe you had the wrong one!). I should clarify that I wasn't asking if people should go blond as they age -- just lighter.

StyleFan, those on the ginger spectrum have a different aging experience, from what I've observed. Their hair doesn't seem to go grey so much as fade. I can think of five true gingers and one strawberry blonde, all middle-aged women now, and all of them have hair that is lighter and much less red than before, but there aren't any white hairs in there. (Two of them dye it back to darker red. On one of them, it works; on the other, not so much. The former is covered in freckles, and the latter has a pale porcelain complexion. I don't know if that's why, but you say you are hesitant to dye your hair redder so maybe that's useful information for you!)

Rachylou, you just described my grandma in the 1980s. I don't see elderly people with blond hair so much these days, though, but it might be where I live.

Hmmm. I'm taking all this in. I pretty strongly resist the idea of going lighter with my hair, despite prevailing conventional wisdom.

Some time back, my MIL told my husband that she didn't like my hair dark, even though my natural color sans grey is quite dark brown (some forum members who have been around a while might remember that I briefly had much lighter highlights a few years ago, and my MIL definitely subscribes to the "coloring your hair lighter as you age" thing -- it's very much a thing especially in Texas). I never liked the way the lighter shade looked on me in photos -- it felt wrong, turned brassy very quickly, and the growout was more apparent with that color than it is now, when I'm covering my gray with a shade very very close to my natural color.

Immediately after a salon visit with my current color, I always feel like it's too dark, but it quickly softens up by a couple of shades. When I was going lighter with my hair color, I tended to go warmer and a bit more auburn, which I kind of liked, but I tired of it. And again, the growout always looked more obvious because you could see more of a line of demarcation between the cool toned roots with some grey and the warm-toned dyed hair. To go lighter with my natural hair tone would leave me with, I dunno, a washed-out ashy lighter brunette? That doesn't sound appealing. So I think for many people, going lighter means either going straight to grey/silver or going significantly warmer in tone, which is not always flattering or practical in terms of upkeep.

Again, interesting to think about, but I'm not sure what the answer is for me. In a recent hair thread I posted, I had a couple of suggestions to go lighter, but somehow that feels like taking some drama and edge away from my look.

Gaylene, in response to your comment: I'd like to think older women who choose to dye their hair do so because they like the look, not because they are under the illusion dyed hair makes them look younger. To my eye, what makes a person look younger is the skip in their step when they are happy with their appearance--brown, blonde, grey, red, purple, green--it's the confidence, not the hair color, that takes off years.

I agree with the "skip in their step when they are happy with their appearance", certainly. Confidence is appealing at any age, and if a person's body language is more youthful, we "read" them as younger than they are. But I do think that hair colour can take off years, whether or not it looks "natural". The right hair colour for your complexion makes make you look younger mainly because it makes you look healthier -- makes your skin brighter, etc.

On that note, it's worth mentioning that natural-looking hair isn't necessarily better. I remember the first time I saw an post-menopausal woman with rainbow hair colour. She was probably in her 60s, had a cute short 'do that was mostly white, and hot pink streaks around her face. Didn't look at all natural, of course, but it was nevertheless fabulous because you could see she was absolutely comfortable with her look. Also, the hot pink looked good against her skin.

Janet, I suspect that you are one of those women on whom greying hair will look very good. I wonder if the best answer for you would be to just let it go grey? I also agree that your dark hair still suits your face, and is good for the more edgy look that you like.

Interesting convo for sure!

You know who never gets told to lighten as they age? People who *aren't* greying and coloring, but still have more or less their early adult color even though they show other signs of age.

I feel like "lighten as you age" is what colorists say because it's a huge PITA to figure out what hair that's been colored forever and a day is going to do. And of course the growout thing is huge -- for those who are 70-100% grey "going lighter" hides that better.

(See Janet's comments above; I have similar and I'm sure we're not alone!)

As long as one's hair doesn't grow too quickly, I think it's easier to go darker once the hair is 100% grey -- no other colors left to "pull"/react one way or another.

A relative of mine kept getting blonder and blonder after ~ 45 years of coloring and the particular shade looked godawful with her skintone. Thankfully after a few years of that she was convinced to go back to more or less her original shade ("freckle" or medium reddish brown).

She'd look amazing grey/silver/white, but at least the color's harmonious with her personal coloring -- I think either is "youthening."

I've said I stopped dying dark for vanity and I do think my silver/dark mix looks better than the color, which only really worked about 1.5 weeks out of the month. As I now have my *natural* variegated dark chestnut-y shade back in places (oh how I missed you for decades!) a quick combover tells me I'd still look good in that shade, too. Maybe a wig is in my future so I can mix things up!

I love "youthening". Vix, my hair only looked good for a week or two also. That was one reason I gave up dyeing my hair. What was the point, right? Now around my face is very light silver, with Mother Nature provided highlights. I thought I would look younger with grey hair, but I was never called granny with brown hair. I volunteer at a food pantry for seniors and some of our clients have hit on me after I went grey. I look very young for someone in her 70s. That's because I'm in my 50s!

Elisabeth, I couldn't agree more that color can take years off when it works with a person's personality, face, and complexion. Forgive me if my sloppy writing implied anything different.

What I've found interesting, though, is that "youthening" (love that word!) effect often occurs when a color obviously ISN'T natural. My friend in her seventies sports a very dark bob with purple overtones which defiantly flaunts all the rules, but looks perfect on her. Looking at her makes me wonder why other, much younger, friends often look older than their years in their very expensive, "cover-the-grey", and "lighten as you get older" hair color. Neither route ends up looking "natural" (whatever that means) but one ends up taking years off while the other seems to add them.

Vix, re. the wig; my mother-in-law has worn one for about a decade, and it looks fantastic! It's a damn expensive one, I know that much (in fact I think she currently has three), but you can't tell it's not her own hair. It helps that she pulls some of her actual hair, which is white, out from around the temples, so it looks like she has greying temples. Her hair, which had always been thin and fine, got much thinner and finer ten years into menopause -- so much that her scalp showed -- until she said, Enough of this nonsense, I'm getting a wig.

A point worth mentioning: while her natural colour in her youth was very dark brown, her wig is light brown. Dark wigs look wrong. She is in her late 60s.

Another point worth mentioning: whenever I see her wigless, I am always struck by how gorgeous her now-white hair looks (it wasn't white back when she first got the wig). It's still thin, but not nearly as thin as when she was colouring and styling it all the time. Evidence that messing with your hair is not good for it. Anyway, she honestly looks even better with white hair than with brown now. She recognizes this, but says it would be a bit of a shock if she suddenly stopped wearing it, because she looks so different.

JAileen -- "Mother Nature provided highlights" -- yes, I think she does, and it often looks great!

Gaylene, I know exactly what you mean. Confidently flouting the rules makes people seem more youthful. Emphasis on confidently. Maybe it's because it betrays a sort of irrepressible spirit that we recognize in people who are aging well?