I changed my name, in a manner of speaking. Or added a new one.

I didn't adopt either of my husband's surnames...which has never stopped some people from calling me by them, but that's another story!

But when I began publishing my writing, I took on another surname, a nom de plume, I guess. This is a family name from my mother's side of the family.

Now I'm known mostly by that surname, even though I have never made the change official. My passport says one thing, but the tax department and my bank know me under both names and I get paid in both.

It has not been a problem at all.

I think it's a great idea. I know several people who've changed their names. My boss changed his first name when he turned 16 because he hated the name his parents gave him (which was admittedly awful). I also have a friend who changed his last name to his wife's name when they got married instead of the usual wife taking the husband's name. His parents were divorced and he had nothing good to say about his father and decided he no longer wanted that name.

Well, Archbishop Bergoglio just became Pope Francis. And Chinese people used to do that all the time, new stage in life, new name. I do believe a name has to be meaningful tho, not just nice sounding, or it won't stick.

I know a couple who, after each of them had a child who was old enough to participate in the discussion, made up a name in French or Dutch that translates into something touching and meaningful. Thus, all four share the same last name in this family although the parents cannot legally marry.

What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, right?

Do what makes you happiest.

I think it's a great idea!

I changed my name several times when I was acting. I picked these names for a variety of reasons - mother's maiden name, a name I thought might suggest the types of roles I would want to play - but I always ended up sounding more like a character in a really bad romance novel. I could never find one that was "right." They always felt like someone else.

I finally just went back to the name I grew up with, and kept it even after I got married. Even though it's not a very elegant name, at the end of the day, it just feels like "me."

But you should do what feels right to you.

I hear you Mary. Changing your name to your first married name seems like a great idea - one that you share with your beloved son

I think you have the right idea to go back to your prior married name. Agree that it is nice to share last names with one's children -which I don't! THey have my husband's last name. But I do answer to Mrs. Husband at school functions and such. I know one family where the female kids have the mom's last name and the male kids have the dad's last name. Now, that is a bit confusing!

Wow, this has been so helpful!

After sleeping on it and thinking about pretty much nothing else all day, I have tentatively decided to go back to my former married name, which is the name of my son, who is my very favorite person in the whole wide world! It's definitely the easiest option administratively, too. Also, I loved his paternal grandmother (my late former mother in law), and it kind of tickles me to be the next "Grandma Lastname," which is what he called her, and (presumably) have the same last name as any future grandchildren.

And... I am seriously thinking about dropping the second part of my two-part FIRST name, which I have hated every single day of my life (it's from the wrong era and the wrong part of the country and I've never felt like it suited me), and just be plain "Mary." That would give me pretty much the same reinventing-myself boost as a picked-out-of-the-air brand new last name, without the hassle!

Big fun!

Mary, I love this. I have always called you Mary in my mind, anyway.

Sounds like a great plan, Mary! Glad you found a solution that you can be happy with!

Mary, just curious what your son had to say?

I think this is a great solution. I think of you as just Mary anyhow also

Thanks, ladies! I am feeling good about it! Now I guess the thing to do is to just sit with the decision for a while and see if it sticks.

AJ, I haven't talked to my son, but I send him an email a couple of days ago with the first harebrained scheme about a brand new name, also saying I was considering going back to his name, and soliciting his input.

His response came this morning: "Hmmmm..... names are a big deal. I will have to ponder this one for a while."



I love that guy! Anyway, I usually talk to him on Saturday nights so hopefully he will be on board with the one-family, one-name thing.

Mary, I have no preference except to say I am in BIG favor of changing anything that makes you unhappy. Rebirth, rename, rejoice! You are a words person, and words are powerful to you. Use that power for good.

I think it sounds like a good choice Mary! I have a friend who did this same thing and she is very happy with her choice after many years. It was easier for her to share her son's name - fewer confusions, etc. and she also loved her previous mother in law so it was a similar situation with a happy ending.

You have always been 'Stylish Mary' to me- what about 'Mary- FAB -(add previous married name here?)

Mary, this is so exciting! I think your plan sounds perfect, and so right for you. I think names can be flexible and change: When my SO and I got married, I kept my last name. Our two children have a made-up last name that is a combination of one syllable from my last name and one syllable from my SO's. People were astonished: "Can you do that?" "How will they know they are your kids?" and other asinine things, but it's been wonderful, and the right solution for us.

I love the idea of you doing it around your birthday, too. YAY!

Jonesy, love it!!

That's so lateral, Jonesy

Hello MARY.

Wonderful idea, Mary. It sounds like you have come up with a solution. I definitely think you should change your name to something that makes you happy.

Just talked to my Marine and he is super on board with the idea of our having the same name again! (His short list of suggestions also included "Powerful" and "Explosion!" LOL ) So I think that seals the deal!

And now... we wait...

Congratulations on your decision! It sounds great to me. Your son is funny I hope your marine is somewhere safe.

Hi Mary--just realized for the first time that we have the same birthday!

I changed my name last year. Part of why I went back to my maiden name is that neither of my daughters shared a last name with me anymore. I often thought that if even one still did, I would not have changed my name. So it makes sense sort of in reverse that you would back-change your name to share it with your son!

Yay for your renewal process Mary! This sounds like a great decision. Although I like the second part of your first name, it has such a pretty ring to it, and full of character. But I understand if you want to leave it behind! My mother did that when she immigrated to the US, she dropped a second and third middle name.

ETA - I was waffling if I should say this, but I'm going to.

I think your present "K" last name is short, and sounds powerful and prestigious to me. Maybe because of my years working in show biz in LA, I yearned for a surname associated with that ethnic/religious group! I know you have painful associations right now, but do you think that might pass? If you are going to drop the name that comes after Mary, I'm for replacing it with your present K surname. Not only does it make sense professionally, but there are the above factors to consider. A name that implies prestige like that is valuable. Am I crazy?

I have a friend who was married thrice and did this. she actually hated her birth name as well.so she changed both her first and last names. They totally suit her personality and she 'owns' them if you know what I mean. I think it can be very empowering and therapeutic.

What an interesting conversation! Since it sounds like you have a solution, I won't weigh in with anymore suggestions:)

The name thing is so funny...

I never liked my maiden surname as a kid. It is an Afrikaans name, and I grew up in an English speaking household and went to English schools so I wasn't crazy about being identified as Afrikaans. Also, it's a long name and towards the end of the alphabet. I used to think that if my parents ever split up, I would insist on taking my mother's Irish maiden name, which I felt a strong tie to. And I always said that the guy I married would have a short name in the beginning of the alphabet. Funny enough - the dude I married had just that... but when it came to changing documents, I was actually sad to change my name - it took me forever to get round to it. I gave brief consideration keeping my last name, but back then I was a fairly traditional girl, and for the sake of our future family it seemed like the right thing to do. Now - 13 years later, I identify quite strongly with my married name. And if, god forbid we ever split, I may give my mom's maiden name it's long awaited turn

I like the idea of picking a name that really resonates with you, whether something new or your previous married name. And I really like making sure that your first name is something you adore, too!

Some friends of ours married and kept their own names for the first 3 years of their marriage; on their 3 year anniversary, they legally changed both of their names to a hybrid of their "maiden" names, similar to what Jonesy did for their kids. They really wanted to honor both of their families with their new married name, and given that their names were already pretty long and hard to pronounce, a hyphenated name would have been much too unwieldy!

Denise, that's an interesting thought, and I agree with pretty much everything you say about the prestige associated with that name in certain circles. However, part of the problem is I don't want to be a pretender, you know? And fortunately, and funnily enough, the name I will be changing to is the name of a very prominent family in my little corner of the legal world here in L.A. (although there's no actual relation), so it all kind of evens out!