Thinking a lot about obituaries

April

Our town publishes an online-only daily newspaper and recently two obituaries hit me hard. One was about a granddad who came to the US from Italy and was clearly beloved by, like, everyone.

The second one was about a grandma. Whoever wrote it (ChatGPT?) seemed to want to portray her as a person with few interests and a not particularly pleasant personality. All hidden behind what sounded like remembrances.

The contrast between these two made me think about following a new rule: live so your obit reads like the grandad's.

2 years ago

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9 replies

Latest reply was from Barbara Diane

Aquamarine

Veteran

I sometimes read obits, gravitating to the ones about (much) older people who are clearly well-loved or have achieved much in their lives. I avoid reading ones about young people or children (heaven forbid).

I do think about what I’d like mine to read. “She loved her own fiercely.”

Or, did I leave an impact on this world in some way (“If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way.”)?

It’s also a reminder to live in the present…life is so fleeting.

2 years ago

rachylou

Veteran

Memento mori. I feel it’s a good thing to consider if anyone will want to dance on your grave in a red dress. But it’s interesting. This is not how my mother’s people live. My co-worker told me a funny story about how she will never get up at a funeral ever again to speak, after her uncle’s. No one wanted to get up, so she was asked. Then after that, his children decided to get up… and not a nice word was said after her. She was quite funny about it.

2 years ago

Cardiff girl

Veteran

Well l think by the time my obituary comes out l will be pass worrying what it says!But you are so right to reflect on the briefness of life and if it helps people to live more fully that’s a good thing.

2 years ago

judy

Veteran

It's fun to take inspiration for how to live wherever we can get it, right? Especially in the obituaries!

I also wonder if maybe patriarchy didn't play a bit of a role here in the assessing of their lives ? (and of course it's changing, but assuming these people were elderly ) Men might be more easily loved and admired by everyone because they had someone at home taking care of everything...the house and kids...and him! (even if the women are employed, women often also carry the load of what we now call "emotional labor" ). And perhaps women get cranky and tired as they get older because they get so damn tired of taking care of everything...and everybody! (And they no longer suffer fools after menopause! ) Just a thought.

Often the people I admire for their artistry or writing were, or are, as it turns out, quite cantankerous old so and so's or one's who quietly followed their own path. (and what today we'd probably say was neuro atypical) A dramatic example of this is the photographer Vivian Maier. The doc about her, it's ten years old now, was excellent. And what an obituary! https://youtu.be/zya5kG_9cFw

2 years ago

April

Veteran

You all give me much to think about, always.

Today I got two more pieces of wisdom from other sources. One from Mona Simpson, who quoted Henry James saying that there were three important things in life. The first was to be kind. The second was to be kind. And the third was to be kind.

The second was the Raymond Carver poem "Late Fragment."

And Judy, point well taken about the male/female aspect.

2 years ago

Echo

Veteran

My mum has solved the issue by writing her own! Granted, one cannot be sure after one's passing that their own version will be published, but it is worth a shot.

My mum was disturbed by the flowery and religious language of many obits, and wanted just the facts. I tend to agree with her, and she needn't have worried. She is well loved, but I feel no need to tell the world what she meant to me; I am spending the time she has left telling and showing HER, which matters much more, IMO.

And while those who are left can remember the person however they choose in order to move on in the best way they can, I find it a little too passive-aggressive to write a mean obit. If someone was a horrible person, it is likely everyone knew it, so why not just publish the facts and be done with it? But perhaps I am just lucky I have not had an abusive parent or relative. If publishing such an obit is healing for those left, I guess I shouldn't judge.

2 years ago

Vildy

Veteran

Well, let me tell you something, though, about a contrast between the faces of old men and old women, in studying anthropology. You see the old men with relaxed and beaming faces and the old women with furrowed brows. Why? The old men, who looked more intent and fiercer as young men, have fulfilled their responsibilities and can just coast now. The women, who are grandmothers and great-grandmothers just seem to take on more and more family responsibilities and concerns.

2 years ago

Indigoprint

Veteran

Another angle regarding obituaries not to derail your original post...
I had the sorrowful privilege of participating in the writing of my parents obituaries with a family friend who was a genealogist. She had such interesting insights as to what details about a persons life a genealogist would find helpful. One example was for my father's, to include his mother and wife's maiden names. Was a cathartic learning experience.

2 years ago

Barbara Diane

Veteran

I do sometimes fall into a trap when comparing myself to others when I read obituaries. And I do think that part of it is our work obsessed culture here in the US. But then I remember what I have done and give myself some more credit. And it does inspire me to plan some more adventures.

2 years ago

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