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The weakest link

Synne

Veteran

Shopping and ruminating about clothes never made any impact on my Style. Capitalized. Because Style is what I feel I have always lacked. But always strive for. That ever moving, illusive target, that I can't articulate (and that's probably core of the problem) but know I will know when I see it. Or wear it. Finally live it. Ah... effortless and just manifesting.

A new approach for me is what I like to call "The Weakest Link".
When am I furthest away from what I consider Stylish? When am I (dressing) at my absolute worst? These are the moments when I loose all my fragile Style Esteem. And those moments are abundant and keeps piling on. Am I really that person? Is this the best I can muster? This post is going dark fast, but remember I am only talking about clothes and style! (Only. Hah.)

Well, those moments for me are when I am Just Living My Life. Not dressing up, or out and about and performing the Fancy Version of Me. I am talking about school runs. Picking up mail. Slow sundays at home wiping spills from the counter. Unexpected visitors. Grocery shopping. The dull and mundane, when everyone can tell I just reached for the first clean garment from my non-stylish closet. When it is painfully obvious. This is what I am. This is what I am not.

My aha-moment has been: Right there is exactly where my Style Focus should be! It doesn't matter how many cute cocktail dresses and trendy shoes I own, when I seldom and never WEAR them. I don't need trendy tops. I need knockout lounge wear. Comfy shoes. Practical outerwear. That I will reach for and wear, again and again.

I ordered a velvet twinset at deep discount. Sticking my toe back in the water with Style Talk and shopping after the loooongest break. Thanks for reading. Thoughts very welcome.

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Shopping

30 replies

Latest reply was from Stagiaire Fash

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Hi Synne!

Good ruminations. Yes, we need clothes to live in! And ideally we should feel good even in the stuff we just wear around the house. I chuckle because I’m sitting here in my striped pajamas with on old radio station hoodie over top, but in my defense it’s Sunday morning and I don’t need to be anywhere for another three hours.

I like the idea of refined loungewear like the set you ordered. Easy launder, no fretting if you spill on it, but a luxe feeling fabrication in a lovely color for you. I hope it works out!

Star

Veteran

Synne there is a lot of truth in what you say and I think you are really on to something. When I retired and moved to a coastal town that is sleepy and cold for 8 months of the year I felt like a real 'plain Jane' for the first year or so. Then I started getting that my lifestyle for these 8 months is mostly jeans and knits and jackets. So I started putting more thought into it when buying these pieces; fit, colour co-ordination, etc. Also trying to find shoes that are stylish with the outfits I wear and comfy, co-ordinating hats with gloves. Small details that make these simple, practical outfits a bit more stylish, even if it is only for me to feel it so. We are often told buy clothes for the lives we have, and I agree and that they should also be stylish and fab quality even if the life is a bit mundane. Another example I have always worn jewelery, and still do. But I now pop on a co-ordinating pair of studs instead of the glam earrings I used to wear. Just this small thing makes me feel more like me and more stylish. I think style maybe a mind-set thing too. I am quite sure no-one else notices my black or silver studs but they make me feel more pulled together.

LJP

Veteran

I hear you, and absolutely agree that the very base level is the best one to focus on when things aren't feeling good. It's my own opinion and experience that I don't feel good about myself if all everyone in my house sees is someone in a stained sweatshirt and stretched out sweatpants. I feel unattractive and lacking in style, and that negativity tends to trickle down to everything else . Anyways, I LOVE your velour lounge wear - I'd love to own it myself

Cardiff girl

Veteran

Yes,dress for your actual lifestyle not the one you wished you lived,easier said than done though isn’t it?I find it quite hard to splash the cash on basics although that is exactly what l should do,it’s so much more fun to buy something sparkly though.l am getting better and like you thinking about it a lot more before l commit.l am getting quite good at returning stuff after a long hard think in front of the mirror!l have yet to master the elegant housework outfit though and prefer to have rough chore clothes then change for the rest of the day

Jules

Veteran

I struggle with this as well! I don’t buy much dressy stuff, but it’s most fun for me to buy eg. pretty purses, colourful sneakers, nice toppers and trendy denim to style in cute office (2 days a week max) or ‘going out’ ensembles. But day to day I need stuff that allows me to work from home but easily run out at lunch time to run some errands (or after school daycare pick up, back in the day). Simply proportioned uniforms of essentials that are also comfortable for around the house and won’t get easily stained/worn if I spend my ‘coffee’ break cleaning the kitchen! Ha, perhaps it’s a tall order
I dropped by a peer group mom’s house last fall and envied her cute, matching, iconically Canadian styled Roots brand sweats - she’s a nurse who removes her scrubs and showers every day after work. I would end up in PJs or ratty leggings but she looked great! Enjoy your velvet lounge set

approprio

(website)

Veteran

I hear you. You are not alone. It’s very hard to motivate oneself to dress up when the world and her husband are still in their pyjamas. We are living through a very strange fashion moment.

When I was younger, my formula for many years was to focus on statement jackets and shoes. I found I could pull together a great outfit over what was effectively lounge wear. Returning to this way of thinking has helped a lot lately.

Over and above this, I’m thinking more about silhouette and proportion than I have in a while, particularly on the bottom half, adding interesting accessories or details of execution, and not automatically reaching for my sneakers all the time.

slim cat

Veteran

Same situation - dressing super casual and simple ( on repeat ) when running errands on days off . Need to update some outerwear ( like lightweight jacket for the end of summer ), get new sneakers, cute all around/disposable crossbody bag and such. I'm not even thinking about my at home lounge wear - that's always afterthought.
Hope your new pieces will work out !

Dee

Veteran

Hmm.. style that ever elusive target, so true. Instagram etc.. vs real life can have many of us I think, feeling inadequate style wise.
My own insecurities about not standing out too much have me even reigning in my most casual outfits, I have to really fight that impulse.
I think motherhood, suburbia, the casualization of society, and then retirement have gradually changed how I present myself.
I now look at all those stylish designs out there and wonder whose buying them because it certainly doesn’t really reflect what I see people around me wearing.

nemosmom

Veteran

Everything you’ve said resonates with me!

I feel like most of my ideas of Style departed when I had kids and stopped working. I felt like I had my act together a bit better before that - not that I ever felt Stylish, but I certainly didn’t feel like I looked bad...

It’s taken me several years, and a pandemic lock down, to make me realize I care less about what any given combination of clothes LOOKS like - and more about how it FEELS. I know right away if I am doing the Mundane things in something that makes me FEEL like I look bad.

You know what? I realized that most mornings I AM doing the Mundane. Not going anywhere glamorous, and I AM simply reaching for the next clean thing on the shelf - So, I’ve put much more thought -and intention- about the pieces I buy FOR that shelf.

It takes (me) a LOT more effort to find those made-for-mundane-life pieces that feel authentic TO ME, and really make me swoon, but they are out there. It just takes patience.

And, these days I care much less about what other people think about my clothes. I buy the things that give ME a confidence boost, and leave it at that.

judy

Veteran

And isn't the mundane most of life?? Yes, invest in those pieces that you can easily reach for that are the cut, fit and style you want, even if all you're doing is wiping the kitchen counter. This is why the past couple of years I invested in sweatshirts that I really loved. They are cozy and comforting, and I feel great in them.

Runcarla

Veteran

I think practicality and comfort may be the nemesis of Fashion, but not necessarily of Personal Style.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Good to see you again and hear your thoughts! I recall the clash between how you wanted to dress and little ones/the steps was difficult before. Sounds like you’re making great strides towards dealing with it. That velvet twinset looks very wearable in the real world—hope you enjoy it!

My $.02 is that quotidian parenting calls for a very flexible capsule wardrobe, because you never know when you’re going to have to change something, like the time a kid spilled something on me in the middle of my son’s bday party. Half a dozen pairs of boring Sears & Roebuck jeans and sweatshirts would work, but why not easy-going pieces you love that go easily with each other? You have to cover your top half and your bottom half every day, at least in winter. Why not pick pieces you like? And it’s seriously good to see you back

PS. I think you’re setting yourself this challenge in the trickiest time of year. Some people like winter dressing, but for me, it’s too easy to tend towards schlubby this time of year.

ETA. Just remembered the birthday party incident—nobody spilled anything; I made a fountain by dropping mentos in soda and sprayed myself with it.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Yes to focusing on your day to day. I wear a mish mash of things around the house, but it all speaks to me. I think the key is to focus on your main audience - yourself - and dress to make her feel good.

Bijou

Veteran

Synne, I hear you and it is always a treat to read your posts. With my working from home lifestyle which commenced in 2020, I no longer need my dressy work clothes and at times miss those 5 days a week where I was dressed up and feeling professional. Because I am still working, I want to feel professional, but not dressed in formal suiting unless getting out of the office. Remixing dressier and casual pieces together means that I am comfy and yet still feel pulled together, some days it works out better than others, I am still a work in progress.

I LOVE your new additions, that colour will be stunning on you.

Sal

Veteran

I think this is wise and I can relate. Finding an easy at home or errands style that suits you and works is so helpful when you have a small child.

I am not a duplicator but when I had young kids I broke my own rules. I remember buying a black tank, and a brown tank, and a black pair of shorts and a brown pair of shorts. I had other tops as well but that was my basic summer uniform - it looked nice and was so easy.

Joy

Veteran

Your posts are always thought provoking. Having young children changes everything. They can be messy and that needs to be considered for your dress also. Washable is important. Jeans are helpful as they can go with any top and topper. If you can't wear jeans, try other pants in washable fabrics. Try Chicos. The quality is good and washable. Their quality is good and usually lasts to a second owner.it is still good for several wearings.

Sally

Veteran

You make some good points. I’m not someone who had a lot of cocktail dresses but I didn’t bother with my home clothes or even my yoga clothes when in fact I spend a lot of time in them.

Olive Green

Veteran

Strikes a chord. I sat in a hair salon and watched a dull brown young woman get hair and makeup for the sparkly dress she had brought with her for the makeup lady to match. Unrecognizable at the end, she was going to a college function. Wanted to shock her employers with her sudden metamorphosis.
Somewhere between invisibly schlubby and red carpet is a nice place where you have a coordinating daily uniform in very washable clothes and duplicates of same for the laundry problem.
That has been my goal and this summer it all worked. Loved it, while playing with a bit more color and stayed true to my all cotton and linen happy place for the heat. Spent money on a very nice Panama hat which is everyday wear and gave the plainer clothes some fashion direction.
Winter is easier for me, layering is a lot easier and the third piece thing really works.
Runcarlas’ wool coat sounds like a wonderful morning run cover up!

Anonymous

Pretty set- looks perfect for you! I'm struggling with this too, since I'm only working 4 days a week instead of 5-6 (yay!!!). For the first time in at least 10 years I have to think about casual clothes that are not gear!

RobinF

Veteran

I totally get this. I always feel much happier if I feel good in my at-home or lounging clothes - even if I'm not going anywhere or no one drops by. DH doesn't care so it is really all about how I feel in them and if they are coordinated and good looking then I feel better. Smart of you to focus on that.

Helena

Veteran

I think you've nailed it. Dress for the life you have is so key to personal style - but it can be tough as so much of fashion is devoted to imaginary, Instagrammable lives that don't exist for too many people.

(Fwiw, taking care of little details like my hair, makeup, nails and simple accessories make a massive difference to how I feel too ... it's amazing how a simple jeans and t-shirt is elevated by good hair and swipe of lipstick!)

Looking forward to seeing how you start implementing this!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Ooh, you've articulated the dilemma so well. I'm struggling with this also. How to dress for a life that is pretty much all at home, in the garden, walking the trail or the suburban streets...I haven't found my uniform yet, I confess, or rather, I've defaulted to my old jeans-and-top (or shorts and top) and never feel stylish in this even if I love the individual items themselves. So it's tricky.

That loungewear looks sumptuous! I hope you enjoy it!

LaPed

Veteran

You've expressed the struggle so well, and I'm right there with you! I've finally realized I feel the best when my attire is aligned with my activity, whatever that activity is. Trying to find one "do-it-all" formula hasn't really worked for me. A day at home is different from a day in the classroom is different from a day on the trail, or in a metro area...

I'm diligently weeding out the stuff that doesn't work for any of my real-life scenarios (cocktail dresses, hah!) and trying to get better at thinking in terms of smaller, more specific "capsules": in-person work, at-home work, chores, outdoor travel, urban travel, arts events, rehearsals... I feel pretty covered for all of those, so I'm buying very little these days.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

LaPed, how many of your days fall into just one category? I would think you’d spend a couple hours at each of several activities. Do you change between classroom, trail, and home with kids?

LaPed

Veteran

SF, I usually have to just go with whatever's dominant because I rarely have the option to go home mid-day. If I'm teaching a class or subbing for a day, I'll wear jeans/khakis and a sweater and boots, and can go for a quick hike on the way home dressed like that. I might change once I'm home if I want to run/do yoga/work in the garden. If I have a whole day free, I'm usually in gear because my goal for days off is usually a good long run or bike ride or similar, then shower and change into at-home chore clothes afterwards. I like to throw a pair of "street shoes" in the car if I'm going to be outdoors all day, so I can change out of muddy trail runners if I stop for groceries/post office/bank/etc. This is why my Blundstones get so much use; they make a pair of hiking pants/leggings look a little more "townie" somehow.

cat2

Veteran

This struck a chord with me. I have been slowly upgrading my at home wardrobe from random cheap sweats and weird free T-shirts to nicer at home togs. It really helps.

rachylou

Veteran

I know exactly what you mean, and this is underscored by my new pal, Cormac. Lilypup and I did night walks around the neighborhood. Cormy is an active dog and needs to burn some of that off right away. So now I find myself up at 7 am and at the dog park as the sun is rising. My dog walking style game is off and I am noticing it. I just toss stuff on and try to get out as fast as possible because I have to get back to get ready asap for work often. It’s not sorted at all. There’s mud, it’s windy cold by the water but also it starts warming up as the sun gets higher… Lilypup btw did not approve of this park and refused to walk there; she thought it was filled with hoi polloi… lol

unfrumped

Veteran

I think you are spot on. I am still struggling somewhat with imaginary lifestyle. But also, not needing as many versions of things, since have a smaller range of activities, now.

One thing that I focused on was changing from my "gardening clothes" into late-afternoon/evening "loungewear" or a few types of coordinated casual clothes, even Athleisure, for a bit of reading, cooking dinner, catch up with DH (who is still working and does not get home very early), even though it might be easier to stay in same clothes ( well, only on light-gardening days, cool days, otherwise, those yard clothes are dirty!) or go directly into PJ's and robe. I have slipped a little into sloppier versions because I still have that "saving" mentality, even for comfortable lounging clothes. Go figure! I have a few items I thought would shrink in the wash and they did not, so look sloppier than I had planned.

Especially in pandemic, I had to develop a sort of "schedule" and things to look forward to, rituals if you will, related to very mundane activities, and associate some Style with that.

I've been thinking that having too many silhouettes has been working against me because there is more opportunity for the proportions to feel off, or for items to be very outfit-specific. I like having a few different silhouette options, but sometimes it occurs not through planning but due to coming across a certain item that fits well of itself,or color, and buying it without fully realizing it won't work seamlessly in my wardrobe. Footwear issues contributed. Whereas, I can definitely tell the happiness factor when I'm in a silhouette that feels genuine, well-fitting and proportioned.

I think your post is good inspiration for taking another go at how all this is working out, and what I can improve.

doggeh lover

My health and mobility has gone downhill so rapidly this last yr especially I count it as a good day if I even get out of loungewear. I'm overwhelmed trying to get rid of the huge excess of clothes I know I won't be able to wear in the foreseeable future. Too embarrassed to actually hire someone come in to sort thru it. Want to try on basic stuff b4 donating, but feel I'm taking a teaspoon to a mountain to dig thru Not expecting solutions, just needed to share/open up

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