My brother and I were raised as the only two siblings in our family. We knew of no others. However, when I was almost 16 my grandmother became ill a week after her 50th wedding anniversary and quickly died from lung cancer. My grandfather was grief stricken -and he cried and mumbled and said all kinds of things. This mourning went on for a full year. One of the things he repeatedly during this time in my presence was how upset my grandmother was to have never been able to spend time with the other girl. What other girl? A mystery that needed solving? It turns out my 8 paternal great aunts and uncles, my parents and my grandparents were keeping a secret from my brother and I. They had managed it for over 15 years. How they did this, I will never know? We had an older half sister. She was being raised by her maternal grandparents and she thought they were her parents. Her mother was being raised as her much older sister. She lived with them directly across the street from my grandparents! My grandparents had apparently been forced to agreed to have absolutely no contact with her at all. It was a very painful situation for my grandparents who very much wanted contact with their grand-daughter. They moved away 2 years before my grandmothers death. So up until I was 14, there was a very good chance we would run into her when we were visiting! It never happened. Ever! I never met her. (Did they call ahead? Did they see us in the park or yard? My brother and I are pretty social so this surprises me). I have to add that they lived in a small community. Everyone must have known the situation but kept quiet. My dear friend, the one who died from the brain tumor several years ago. Her parents were from that same community and they knew about this secret and they never said anything about it either! Seriously! They knew and kept it secret too! Wow! A big family and community secret successfully kept! Who knew that could happen?! It's true. I couldn't make this up if I tried. One of my great aunts took on a grandmotherly role towards me after mine died. She helped fill in some details about our half sister. My dad wasn't overly upset that we knew, but he asked us to refrain from all contact with her and we did. Neither my brother nor I contacted her or any of her family. Was that the correct thing to do? What do you think?

Last year I was perusing some names in a cemetery looking for my great grandparents graves, and I discovered some terrible information. I found her name! She had died when I was 24. She was only 30. I was able to find a picture of her tombstone. (She had a very unusual name so there is no mistaken identity here.) I also found a picture of her in a college yearbook. We looked eerily alike except for our noses. We know she was married, but not if she had any children. We do not know how she died.

I have to admit that I felt a strong loss for a person who died long ago, and who I never met. It was strange right? I had lived with this fantasy sister floating around in the world. I could imagine meeting her, bumping into her at random moments and what she was like, etc. If someone looked a bit like me I could wonder if she was related. All that was lost with one click of the mouse. It's funny how powerful a fantasy can be right?

The psychology of secrets intrigues and interests me, and I am always alert for the emotional web created by secrets. Secrets can involve humiliation and shame, danger, intrigue, guilt, power, control, inclusion, exclusion, trust, and paranoia, even more. There usually is a fascinating story when a secret is present. It's definite grist for the mill in my line of work.