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The opinion of your SO

Aziraphale

Veteran

Apologies if this topic has been covered before (and I suspect it has), but how much does the opinion of your SO influence you?

Here's the thing. My husband has good taste. (Or at least, taste that overlaps a lot with mine). Normally he likes the clothes I choose. Then one time last year, I came home with a pair of bejewelled wedge sandals that I thought were awesome (and so, unanimously, did the forum; I posted a link). Hubby said they looked like "the kind of shoes worn by an old lady on a cruise ship". And now, dang it, every time I put on those sandals (which is a lot, in the summer, as they are my only non-flip-flop sandals), I think of old ladies on cruise ships. In my head, they are not stylish old ladies; they are the ones in unflattering orange lipstick and shapeless muumuus. That one comment has totally tarnished my enthusiasm for those sandals.

I feel like I'm pretty confident in my sartorial choices. I also know that it has been established that men almost universally dislike (a) wedges, and (b) anything that makes them think of their grannies. But I think it's clear that I do value my husband's opinion. And yet I want to re-fall-in-love with my sparkly sandals! What's a gal to do?

I know Angie still likes to have Greg's approval, even though she has unfailingly good eye herself.

What's your take?

Dressing

34 replies

Latest reply was from ramya

Sara L.

Veteran

Hmmm, I occasionally ask for input from DH but usually I can ignore him when he hates things that I like. We don't always admire the same things and I'm fairly confident in what I do like. I don't wear something I know he dislikes on date nights or lunch dates.

Glory

Veteran

I never ever ask. He never notices what I am wearing and never makes a comment. I used to ask my children but no longer because most things fall into the frumpy or too young look for them.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I guess there are advantages to being single.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Ditto, Anna!

+1 for being single!

K. Period.

Veteran

I'm in the same boat as you. I think my husband has great taste, it just happens that my breadth of great taste is broader than his. (He always describes his taste as a subset of mine.) He very rarely questions any of my clothing choices. He will say that he doesn't "get" an item and leave it at that. However, in the rare instance where he comes out and says he really doesn't like something, I give him a nod and most often will return it. I figure that his lack of joy will ruin my joy in it.

Sometimes, however, he grows to love something that he didn't like originally. My boyfriend jeans were a hands down "no" from him. He really hated them. I returned them. I bought my old-friend jeans instead (a little less baggy, but still loose and faded like jeans you've had and loved for a long time) and he said they weren't his favorite, but they were okay. (Then he asked me to leave him alone and not ask him any more questions, pants on or pants off.) However, over the months, he has actually come around on the old friend jeans. A few weeks ago he complimented me on how nice they looked on me. So ((shrug)).

I don't think this is a man/woman dictate/power thing when you are talking about one item. I think this is an "I value your opinion and I value you, so I will give on this" thing. I expect that when I say something of his is going, it is going, so I expect to give a little when he really hates something of mine.

Maybe ask him again if he still hates them or if he just doesn't get them, but is reconciled to them.

deb

Veteran

He is very style illiterate so he basically has no opinion.

Diana

Veteran

J. has far more conservative fashion taste than I do, and he thinks a lot of my clothes are weird on the hanger, but generally thinks they look good on me. He also acknowledges that my outfits suit me, in a way that classic or preppy (his style) would not. So he usually doesn't comment unless I ask him about something specifically, and then it's usually a very general, "it's cute" or something, not helpful at all. I don't think he's ever said he hates something I'm wearing.

He's bought me jewelry but never clothes! He's admitted that he's scared to.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Let me rephrase the question. Suppose, for argument's sake, that you have a significant other, and that he (or she) does have good taste and a sense of style. If he/she expressed a dislike for one particular item, would it tarnish your enthusiasm for it?

K, I did ask him again. Recently. He said, Elisabeth, I'm sorry, I tried, but I just can't warm up to those shoes. It's not like he's asking me not to wear them (he's not that kind of guy), but he still finds them amusingly granny-like.

merwoman

Veteran

Laughing at the old lady cruise shoes - don't you hate when that happens. Even when if it is said in jest, everytime you put those shoes on, you can't help but think of that comment...and wonder if there isn't a grain of truth!
My darling partner is a real diplomat - if I like it, he likes it. His diplomacy is not so helpful when I'm on the fence about something, however, my sisters are not shy in voicing their opinions.

MsMary

Veteran

I had some things Mr. K didn't care for, and I just wore them when he wasn't around.

The harder issue was the things he loved that I thought were questionable. He liked to buy me things -- shoes, in particular -- that were either a little too hoochy mama or too uncomfortable or both. I tossed 'em all when I left him! LOL

Anonymous

I had to laugh E, because one comment from DH like the cruise ship one can ruin something for me forever. It's like I don't see the association until I hear the comment. And then after that, I can't un-see it. Once I wore some Bass penny loafers and my BFF's husband said to me, "Oh, wow. I didn't know they made shoes like that for women." This was about 15 years ago and I wasn't very self-assured. I don't think I ever wore those shoes again. I'm sure my own husband has made similar comments, but for some reason I can't think of any.

Isis

Veteran

Maybe you could think of muu=muu's and orange lipstick....with an ironic edge? Just trying to help out....

I never ask. He does not have strong opinions. And, like Glory, my kids think I'm either frumpy or too-young. So I ask, but then go with my own opinion (and the forum!)

FlorenceFearne

This is a tough call for me. It really is important to me that my SO likes the way I look. That said, he refers to my cute little grey engineer boots as "rain boots," and he's said they're "not his favorite." My compromise? I mostly wear them with super skinny jeans tucked in, and since he loves me in anything form-fitting, he can still appreciate something about the ensemble. Do I still hear the phrase "rain boots" echoing around when I slip them on? Yep. But I feel like he still likes the big picture.

Do you maybe have something that your SO really loves the look of that would also pair well with the shoes? If nothing else, maybe he'll eventually learn to associate them with you looking sexy, and not with cruise ship ladies.

shedev

Veteran

Everyone has stinkeye for some items. For my SO, its plaid. His dad wore plaid shirts and so did mine. He associates plaid with old men but I don't. When it comes to my tartan pants, which are a very classic pattern, I tend to take his dislike with a grain of salt. He also hates lavender due to his ex wifes loving it.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

My DH is pretty conservative, and I remember one of my first "new to YLF" purchases - a green and black Michael Kors dress that I fell in love with. When my DH first saw it, he didn't like it at all.

Thing is, once he saw it in action (and not me just trying it on to show him), he loved the thing.

I guess what I'm suggesting is that there's a chance your DH might change his mind or has already changed his mind - and here's you thinking he doesn't like the shoes. Is this possible? That at first glance, he didn't like them much, but maybe later on - they're much better on you and in practice than he first thought?

Aziraphale

Veteran

VC, my husband has not changed his mind. I asked him recently. It's been a year; I think we're beyond hope now.

Florence, it's sort of a moot point, since my SO works 80 hours a week and rarely sees me in the sandals anyway. I'm always in bedclothes by the time he gets home. On weekends, we do stuff as a family, and (in the summer anyway) I'm generally wearing flip flops or Converse. When we go out, I take the opportunity to wear other, even more awesome high-heeled shoes. (I have a minor shoe problem, and possibly need a 12-step program).

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Mr. Suz -- like Suz -- is on a bit of a style education streak. Years ago, before I knew him, he was a downright sharp dresser, shopping in Montreal for his French suits. And then he was a professor for a little bit too long, and we all know what that can do to a person's style instincts. (YLF professorial types excepted!)

Anyway. He is learning. Or re-learning. Whatever.

But he has never been shy of voicing his opinions and he is rarely diplomatic about them.

In our early days together, this used to upset me. I would get that feeling you describe. If he rolled his eye at me, the worm of doubt would start to eat at me. I wouldn't be able to see the item with the same enthusiasm.

But since then, I've learned that in all things (not just things sartorial) it is crucial for me to hold my ground. If I believed in it at first, I must continue to believe in it. Because 9 times out of 10, he will not just "come around," but actually come to love the item in question. IF I continue to wear it. And wear it my way.

Sometimes, it turns out, that what he really doesn't like is the way I have styled it at first -- perhaps not knowing quite how I wanted to wear it. Or perhaps just feeling a bit nervous because it was a new look for me.

Of course, there are exceptions. But even there, he usually comes to appreciate the item within an ensemble.

But I have to say, if I kept seeing orange lipstick every time I put it on, I'd probably be forced to find a replacement that we both liked!

hedgiehog

Veteran

I'm laughing at all the comments posted here. My DH does have an opinion on what I wear....particularly because my mother IS one of those old cruise ship ladies. If it's bright, loud or bejeweled, she will wear it. I think he's afraid I'll turn into her. So whenever I wear something that he thinks is a bit OTT, he says "it's something your mother would wear." Then my mind automatically pictures her wearing whatever "it" is and I usually see what he means.

He keeps me straight!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

My hubs has a great eye and a really good sense of my style. I love when he gives something the thumbs up or says, "I love that on you." I got my LD Tuttle sandals while he was out of town, and when he returned and saw me wearing them, he pointed at the shoes, nodded, make a "hell yeah" face, and gave a big enthusiastic thumbs up. No words even necessary.

Sometimes I do have to style something just so before he gets it. I have a fairly conventionally flattering black and white polka dot dress that he wasn't enthusiastic about until I put on my Claudia Cuiti stiletto peep-toes with the dress, which amped it up about 1000%.

His opinion does mean a lot to me. I have a lot of clothes that he loves on me, so if I wear something and he says he's not crazy about it, unless I absolutely am in love with it, it will probably not get worn again.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Isis -- Ironic orange lipstick and muumuus? That would take some serious chutzpah. lol

K. Period.

Veteran

I like the ironic approach!!! But back to your primary question...it does affect how I feel about items and it can affect it enough that I get no joy from them. Hence, the boyfriend jeans that I thought looked cute and surprisingly flattering for oversized jeans were returned. You want someone to share your joy.

Isis

Veteran

I think you could pull it off! Or at least giggle when you wear bejewelled sandals!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Suz, thanks for the confirmation about holding my ground. That is my inclination. Now, how to I shut up the little voice in my head that keeps singing cruise ship cruise ship?

Thank you for all your comments, ladies. Good to know that at least I'm not the only one who wonders about this!

Anonymous

After almost 43 years of marriage I have a pretty good idea of what DH doesn't like and have found he's right. He keeps me from outfits that overwhelm me or are too busy, too boho or too dramatic. If he thought my sandals looked old lady, it would affect my opinion of them.

marit

My husband is all like - clothes are clothes, they cover your body, The End. He often jokes that if I ask him "should I wear this one or that one?" and he says "that one" then I will inevitably decide to wear "this one". (It's sort of true, lol.) He's taken to just answering "YES" to anything I ask regarding what I'm wearing. He especially goofs on questions of shoes, since he says he hates feet. I come here for actual style analysis so y'alls opinion would outrule him handily. I mean, I want to look good and I want him to think I look good but I know fashion is something he really doesn't pay any attention to or care about.

Thistle

Veteran

I almost always listen to my DH. He doesn't have style, per se, but he knows if a piece looks good on me. If he thinks it looks good, YLF almost always agrees with him!

FlorenceFearne

Since it sounds like your concern isn't whether he ever likes them, but just about how you can love them again, I see only one solution. The "cruise ship cruise ship" voice may never go away... so strap on those fabulous shoes with your sexiest dress and tell yourself, "That's right, I make cruise ship look GOOD! Next time, I may wear some orange lipstick, just to show those ladies how it's done."

Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

(website)

Veteran

My SO, for the most part, has impeccable taste - but he detests animal print. He points out - and rightfully so - the impossibly large segment of women here in the Deep South who abuse animal print. If I am being tactless now, I do apologize - but I am being honest: the ladies I see wearing it the most, here in my neck of the woods, are rarely well-groomed, or, *ahem* tasteful in other aspects of dress or manners.

But I have a Bettie Page leopard-print dress that I will not be parted with. It fits like a glove, and I feel like a million bucks when I wear it - although I generally don't wear it if he is around. If I do, I tone it down with a black cardigan or fitted pullover. And I grin at him like a Cheshire Cat when his guy-friends comment how much they like the dress.

You have to wear what brings you joy and happiness. If you start editing or censoring yourself to please the tastes of others, you are never going to feel true to yourself.

Wear your fab shoes, enjoy them - and be prepared for a little ribbing by your SO. You can always point out that if he's that focused on your feet, and not your other assets, then he really needs to get his priorities straight Or tell him to buy you some killer shoes that he'd like to see you in.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I have a very apt example of this. When I wear my bone peep toe loafers DH insists they look like his late grandmother's shoes - and this is NOT a good thing. I stubbornly persist in wearing them anyhow, but his opinion does sort of taint how I see them and I am wearing them less. He is not exactly a stylish dresser but he does have a very good visual eye and his opinion does count with me. So if I still love something he doesn't like I will wear it but his dislike will influence my view of things.

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