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The Blahs

Hil

(website)

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Hi! So I am going to write here, because I need to write to make sense of where my head is at... at who knows... I may find some guidance here from you wise ladies! I really have very little in life to complain about. A good solid family, wonderful husband and kids, great inlaws, work, passions & hobbies and amazing friends. So what else is getting me down?

I have mentioned my struggles with my weight before... And I think this is my problem at the moment. I have, over the last two years lost quite a bit of weight... but I am still far from where I want to be and I cannot accept that my destiny is to be a fat girl for the rest of my life.

Since the end of last year my weight has fluctuated quite drastically up and down - mostly due to my own crash dieting and serious overeating. I actually think I may have a binge eating disorder. There - I said it out loud... well not out loud as in used my voice... you know what I mean though?

When I am controlling what I eat, I am so happy - so on top of everything, but when I am out of control - like I am now... well I feel so dreadful. I am battling to fit into my clothes, which makes me feel worse. My skin is in a state (not sure if that is strictly related to the food, but it probably is...)... I am bad tempered, have low libido - mostly because I feel awful naked... tired all the time.

So where to from here... I keep thinking do another crash diet, or join Weigh-Less or Weight Watchers, all of which I have done before, had some success and then proceeded to undo all of my good work. Get the control back and find my happy again, but I actually don't know whether that is the right route. Am I not just repeating the cycle. Rinse, repeat.

So there... it's out there now... Thanks for listening!

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20 replies

Latest reply was from shedev

Deborah

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I don't know if this helps Hil, but you are not on your own. Im not going to talk about me but you have hit the nail on the head of some of my own issues relating to fluctuating weight. Given you comment about potential binge eating, have you considered having a chat with your GP. That could be a good starting point. The other thing that I recommend is Weight Watchers. I am a lifetime member and I truly learnt the best habits from them. And even though I moan about my weight the tools I learnt at WW has stopped me from getting back to what was my heaviest about 7 years ago. I am generally able to stop and correct my eating behaviours if and when I note I am straying. Of course there is also the program that Suz works for and from all reports that is excellent too. I know you are not fishing for compliments, and I am not meaning at all to discount how you are feeling but I do need to tell you that are a very attractive woman. I look at you posts and think how gorgeous you are. I honestly don't notice what your weight is, I see such a pretty face, lovely eyes, clear skin and you know I love your hair. While your feelings are totally valid, we do have a tendancy to be incredibly hard on ourselves and most often what we are seeing is not what others see.

Hil

(website)

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Thank you Deborah! I wasn't fishing for compliments at all but it's good to hear them... the process of photographing myself almost daily and posting regular WIW pics has been an interesting project in terms of the way I see myself... and I am getting better at it, but it's so easy to lapse into vicious unloving cycle!

I do really feel like an addict sometimes when it comes to food. I feel so out of control! I hate that feeling.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Hil, it's so great to have a place to vent I think and that's a good thing to do when you're feeling this way (at least I think so). So hugs to you and here are some thoughts that maybe could help...

I wonder if you might be experiencing some nutritional deficiency that is making you feel hungrier than you really are. For example, when my iron is really low (I'm anemic and have been most of my life for no known reason) I get really hungry. Weirdly hungry, like right after eating, I'll feel hungry again! When I take my iron supplement as needed, this doesn't seem to happen.

I also noticed that years ago I started taking large doses of magnesium (400 - 600 mg) recommended by my doctor. Before that time, I LOVED chocolate. I would eat it almost daily. And dark chocolate may not in itself be fattening, but I *craved* chocolate and would eat it in fattening forms as well. But after just a couple of weeks on the magnesium, it was like I lost ALL interest in chocolate. To this day it is just not of real interest to me any longer. I don't hate it but I don't crave it or even think of buying it really. I still take magnesium and learned that chocolate is high in magnesium so a craving for it can mean a potential deficiency.

So, are you eating enough of the right foods with enough minerals and vitamins could be a question. Taking supplements is not the ideal solution of course as your body absorbs only a small % of them, but they can help along with a really careful diet to be sure you're getting enough iron, potassium, magnesium, calcium, etc. in a good balance.

I now eat nuts at least a few times a week (high in minerals), I eat eggs almost daily (poached or steamed are healthy options) and eggs are high in minerals and amino acids, and I eat a lot of leafy greens - like 2 full cups in a salad, along with lots of other veggies. I also eat meat and fish but not in large amounts. I love whole grains and those are filling and best to eat early in the day (breakfast and lunch).

I'd encourage you to get some nutritional books and learn more about what you ARE eating and chart it to see if you are getting enough vitamins and minerals in your diet.

Anonymous

Hil, I think a lot of us struggle with weight. I can commiserate. I have been battling the same plus/minus poundage for over a year now, to the point that I am about to give up and just buy bigger clothes for when the poundage returns. I do get affected by it, too, because I hate to be so restricted in my clothing, which is kind of tailored to start with. I don't really have a lot of room there, 5 pounds about do it for me.
I am sure you will get lots of dieting advice as the thread goes on. I am a total failure at dieting...

bj1111

Veteran

hil,

you are not alone. i know i should not define myself by my size, but like you, i do not want to come to terms with this body size. unfortunately, my fluctuating weight has really done a number of my self-esteem and my ability to feel in control of other aspects of my life.

reiterating, you are not alone.

ps: i love how you look. and you are right...the daily photographing can help us handle the situation...either to get motivated or to move toward acceptance and more self-love.

pps: if you think you may have an eating disorder, please please consult a physician or other help. especially if it is early.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Hil, big hugs!

I see what Deborah sees -- a beautiful woman who is becoming ever more stylish by the day since she began posting here.

But body image issues are painful to deal with.

As others have said, you are absolutely not alone.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Hil - I think you should talk to your physician and/or a dietitian; as the other ladies have suggested, if it's an eating disorder, you want to catch it early. It could also be disordered eating (some of your patterns sound very similar to mine and a few statements concern me); and of course, a deficiency of some sort could put you into huge amounts of cravings.

Bring a food journal with you to talk to your doc, and remember to record what you were feeling at the time you ate a certain food, and how you felt afterwards if it was different.

So ... for me, it would be something like ... "3 apricots. Hungry before, craving sweets. Afterwards ok." (btw, I love apricots. SO GOOD).

Good luck to you! *hugs*

Anonymous

Hil, I am sorry you are feeling blah but I am another who sees what Deborah sees... a beautiful woman.
I do have something to say though. I have no idea how old you are but peri-menopause symptoms can start about 5 to 10 years before menopause proper and it can really mess you up, with mood swings and weight gain so it may be worth having a blood test done for hormone function. Perhaps worth looking into? All the best; hugs.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Diets are good for teaching us what to eat but they do not solve the problem of why we eat. It sounds as though you need to look at the psychology behind your eating habits to move forward. I wish you the very best of luck.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Nothing to add to the advice you've received here. Just wanted to give you more hugs & say you are not alone & that I see a beautiful woman too. I've really enjoyed your latest posts & love the way your style is unfolding

Hil

(website)

Veteran

Thank you so much for all the kind words. This is a battle that has been ongoing since I was a kid really. I guess seeing my GP maybe a good starting point... but I have this distinct fear that he is just going to dismiss me with a dose of eat less and get some exercise kind of advice.

I am toying with the idea of trying weight watchers again. And reading the copy of Marianne Williamson's weight loss book - it's been on my nightstand for ages!

I was googling eating disorders yesterday and I came across a South African site where they are looking for candidates for a research paper - which had me curious, especially as the therapy would be free - but they are based about an hour's drive away and I'm not sure whether I would manage the three hour round trip once a week with my current schedule. And maybe I am just making excuses...

Rambling Ann

(website)

Veteran

If we are talking about mood, I hate to say it, because I hate that it is true, but the single thing that elevates my attitude, regardless of the number on the scale, is moving my body. There, I didn't say the e-word. Hate it. Hate doing it, hate thinking about it. But it works, every SINGLE darn time. If you are combining more activity with the intense dieting periods and then blow off the movement too, it would be impossible to separate the two effects. I make better decisions about everything when I'm not in a torpor-induced malaise-somehow making other changes seems more doable after airing out my brain. YMMV but I have to repeat regularly.

Adelfa

Veteran

Definitely not alone. And it's so discouraging when we think we have it and then bam.

rachylou

Veteran

GPs can be unresponsive. Skin and weight and mood could definitely point to hormonal/endocrine factors, which is something you might tell your GP to wake them up a bit.

You might also consider going to see a real nutritionist, attached to a medical facility. They may be more in-tune with the medical considerations, actually, than a GP, and they think in the long-run.

DonnaF

Veteran

I'm wondering if there are hormonal/chemical fluctuations and reactions that your body is dealing with. I agree with Rachylou; most GPs aren't trained or very sensitive to these things and are likely to blow you off and play the blame game. I have friends who have seen nutrition type specialists but I don't think they were necessarily trained within the Western medical establishment. Normally, I would dismiss this type of stuff, but they were really helped and feel a lot better. I guess the trick is to find the right person/solution for you -- easier said than done, right? Just don't keep beating up on yourself!

Krista

Veteran

Hil,
I'm a little late to this thread but I wanted to drop in and let you know that you are not alone! I totally know how you feel. You've received lots of advice here so I will only suggest trying to pick something to do that creates change and you know you can commit to - no matter how small it is. I struggled for YEARS trying to establish the "perfect" workout and workout times for myself and also super strict eating guidelines but it just stressed me out trying to do so much on top of trying to live my regular life. In short, a number of things happened in my life all at once (my dog had surgery and was put on a weight loss plan - including increasing his water intake - , my husband had knee surgery and hasn't been 100%, among other things) and the only thing I could really commit to doing was walking the dog for a brisk walk each night. I had to do it because my husband couldn't walk and the dog needed it because the walking helped his weight loss and makes him drink more; but I've also always enjoyed walking, it wasn't stressful on my body and it didn't take up a lot of my time. And a brisk walk about 3-4 nights a week for about 25 minutes has really brought some changes to my body, particularly my lower half! If someone had told me 6 months ago that all I needed to do was start walking the dog a little faster and a little longer a few times a week, I would have laughed in their faces. But this small change has produced other changes for me:
- greatly reduced my intake of pop and chips (my personal vices - e.g. from eating them daily to 1-2 times per week)
- greatly reduced my evening snacks (this is mostly because I walk the dog after dinner and by the time I get back, I have other things I need to do and therefore don't think of snacking)
- increase in the amount of fresh vegetables I eat, as well as sticking to regular intake of vitamins (I take Vitamin D, Omega 3 supplements and a multi-vitamin)
- increase in confidence; I have no idea if I've lost weight but my clothes fit better and I feel better
- because it feels good and it's easy (I literally put on walking shoes and go), I find that I no longer want to skip a walk but I also don't freak out if I miss an opportunity

Anyway, long post, but what I'm saying is this small change worked for me and it didn't require a lot of work on my part. I just added a little bit of distance each night we went out and now the dog and I are walking about 2-3 kms a few nights a week (you don't need a dog to walk, I guess, but it helps in my case - ha ha!). This specific idea might not work for you but maybe I've given you an idea to try something else. Keep us posted and don't give up on yourself. Change will come!

shedev

Veteran

Hil, sorry but I'm gonna say the E word- exersize. (Shedev ducks) Yes eat plenty of healthy foods because you need proper fuel. Here's why I think you should exersize.
-it is an action, it will put you in control
-exersize releases endorphans, the bodys happy chemical
-when you diet, half of the weight you lose is muscle. Muscle is metabolically active where fat is not, so when you lose muscle you lower your metabolism. Dieting can become this vicious downward spiral
-thicker people still look stunning with muscle tone, think Venus and Serena Williams
BTW, I'm a personal trainer, so if you would like to talk about starting a program that works for you, I'm happy to help.

ElleH

Veteran

I could give advice on diet & weight loss because it is part of what I do but if you have an eating disorder as you said you suspect you do then have you considered support from a 12 step group like Overeaters Anonymous? I think you are beautiful as you are but am thinking more about the emotional effects of addiction which is what an eating disorder is. I know people who are skinny but are addictive overeaters & that in itself is the problem for them, not weight gain. I am not diagnosing you with an eating disorder, just responding to your self diagnosis so I hope I am not offending you.

Hil

(website)

Veteran

I truly thank you all for the support and feedback. It has meant the world to me this week!

Shedev, Ann and Krista - We actually started walking as family in the evenings two weeks ago and just in that first evening I felt the endorphin release. What I did afterwards with food completely negated all the good the walk did though, lol!

The thing is... I think I know how I should be eating. What scares me is how out of control I feel at times. Like I literally can't stop eating and how desperate I feel to eat something and how absolutely guilty I feel afterwards. I know that is not a healthy way to behave.

In other news, I went to a Weight Watchers class last night and instantaneously felt better about life. I think I am going to seek out help from a therapist too - or maybe OA as suggested... I need to get my head right! And we will go on with the daily family walks. We are all benefiting from that.

Donna & RachyLou- I am probably overdue a general medical check up, so I will get that all checked out too.

If you have suggestions for a further exercise plan, Shedev, I would be happy to hear it!

shedev

Veteran

Walking is a great start and a great way to get in family time. Would you be interested in doing anything with light weights?