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The Big Declutter

Sisi

Veteran

Dear Fabbers, I need your wisdom!

Premise: 3 years ago I helped two dear friends of mine (brother and sister) to clear out the house of their parents. Huge house, wealthy family of aristocratic origins. Result: a TON of possessions, many of which precious and with sentimental value.

I will spare you the details. It is enough to say that we worked during the weekends for two months (in the middle of a heat-wave). This experience left us exhausted and traumatized. It is shocking to see how much stuff one can accumulate in a life.

We solemnly swore that we will never get to this point and that we would soon start to clear off our own houses and then keep them simple and minimal.

So, it is 3 years that I intend to do this but I am paralyzed. I fear the huge physical job and the psychological stress. I am sentimental and have difficulties in letting things go. I have even considered to ask a therapist for help...

Please give me some advice! In a few days I will leave for a vacation and I wanted to ask this now, so to have the time to print out your responses and study them at the beach .

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23 replies

Latest reply was from unfrumped

Runcarla

Veteran

15 years ago I had a similar experience, and can vouch for the traumatizing aspect of clearing out another person’s estate. Tackle your personal project the same way you approached your friend’s - dedicate one day a week, or one weekend a month. Commit to the project date, by marking it on your calendar and clearing out other distractions or to-do items. Enlist a family member or friend who has a reputation for being unsentimental.

You can start with collections of like items - or work room by room. Start with things that aren’t sentimental (paper, junk drawers, DVDs and CD’s or vinyl records, tall cupboards that are holding zones for vases and mis matched singleton mugs.) Give yourself permission to keep a few items from a large collection. Ex: I edited a huge cookie cutter collection (100+) down to a dozen of my favourites that I still use, and purged worn and tattered Christmas ornaments and kept the best and most sentimental.

Dispatch broken things and promote stuff you’ve been saving for special occasions. Ex: dispatch chipped crockery and get the ‘good’ china into rotation.

If the task is too daunting, there are now people who make a career out of assisting folks with decluttering or downsizing.

NancyW

Veteran

Everything that Carla said. And make those first steps small so you can pat yourself on the back several times per session in the early days. I hired a small firm before a big move. They sent someone to work with my husband to go through and evaluate and pack his things. I stayed out of it! I found that in the days following each session (and this went on for seven months with long breaks between visits for me to work on my own) I was emotionally prepared to do a bit more, including going through things I decided to keep and editing a bit more. This project is a gift to your family, keep that in mind as a motivator. And plan some rewards!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

This is a HUGE gift to your family -- I have also been in charge of clearing out a parent's house and it is indeed emotionally and physically exhausting. I agree with what Carla said. Break it down into manageable parts -- either category by category, or perhaps room by room. It helps to have a friend with you. Someone not sentimental but also not rash and impulsive.

I wish you strength!

Vildy

Veteran

You have to let go in your mind first. It helps to remember to put yourself first and that you don't owe anything to these possessions. You're in charge of them and can do anything you want. You can accept already sunk costs and that you don't need to find them worthy homes like adopting out puppies and kittens.

Don't know if you're getting into books but people tend to overvalue books, even therapists who specialize in hoarding. I once was on a tour of Library of Congress and the head librarian walked by and stopped to address the tour. He said it was not true that they had a copy of everything published and he went on to say that not only do most things not deserve to be kept, plenty didn't deserve to be published. Waste of paper. People literally gasped.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Vildy, I work at a used bookstore and we buy back books - it's astonishing how much value people think used books have, when in most cases they're worth a few bucks at most. Just because it's old doesn't mean it's rare or valuable. We all have this psychological thing that happens once we've spent money for something - we feel it should be inherently valuable but usually it's just the sunk cost fallacy.

Sisi, the good/bad part is that you're not being forced to do this on a tight timeline - so I'd say that you should create some goals for yourself so you don't put it off forever. Think about finding some outside resources, whether that's hiring a professional organizer, or just reading some books - I think Marie Kondo's books are too extreme for most Westerners but the basic principles might shake something loose, or Julie Morgenstern has some great books including Organizing from the Inside Out.

I don't know your family situation but talk to any interested relatives about heirlooms or sentimental items, and think about your abilities as you age and whether you plan to move. I helped my parents downsize and move states last year and it was emotionally and physically hard. But all of us are glad that we did it while they were still with us and able to participate. Plus it's improved their quality of life.

Vildy

Veteran

for a less drastic book than Marie Kondo and a non-clinical one, I like this one:

Scaling Down: Living Large in a Smaller Space
Book by Judi Culbertson and Marj Decker

For a book about actual hoarder thinking, Stuff is an easy anecdotal read and non-sensationalistic.

Anonymous

Ha! I love the quote from the guy at the Library of Congress! I worked in book publishing for 20 years and had that "half this stuff doesn't need/deserve to be published" mantra in my head all the time. Just because one thinks they can write, doesn't mean one should . (publish it anyways).

I've gone through cleaning out the estate of my husband's family member who had no children of her own . Took us WEEKS, and a lot of it was just crap....except for the odd $50 bill found inside an old unopened birthday card (true story ) from 30 years ago. I still remember weekends and weekends and weekends spent in an old unfinished basement sorting through her wool and fabric stash. Church programs, old magazines etc.

I was responsible for cleaning out my late mother's last home , and our own home of nearly 30 years last year. I have seen more junk in one lifetime than I ever want to see again. I tend to be cold-hearted about this kind of stuff, because I have to be. I don't have the emotional bandwidth available to be mooning over someone else's old dishes and pictures and handmade Christmas ornaments . If you tend to fall into too much sentimentality while doing this sort of thing, I'd assign the job to someone else. Seriously. It takes a long time as it is, without adding the extra time it takes to have your emotions taking you down memory lane or fretting over perceived value of certain things. Most possessions only have value to the person who owns them . My one regret after cleaning out my mother's place and my own was not hanging onto a few more things that would have been nice to have now. Nothing terribly valuable, but they were those things that added personality to a home. But other people's stuff? Forget it.

nemosmom

Veteran

I have been through the utter hell of cleaning out a family member's belongings. There is a book out called, "The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning" about tackling your own belongings over time to relieve the burden on your family. It sounds morbid, but it really makes sense...

My favorite tip in the book was to start a "throw away box" that contains personal items that are really sentimental to you, but that will be completely meaningless to someone else. Like a dinner menu from your first date with your husband, or a note of praise from a former boss. Things like that.

I like the idea that when you start early, you can let family or friends know you are getting rid of stuff, and it gives you the opportunity to tell the story of a piece to whomever gets it. My MIL is cleaning out old fur stoles and coats right now. She offered a stole to me and, at first, I was completely horrified at the thought of owning any of them but, when she started telling me about how her family had come to the US with barely more than the clothes on their backs, and how hard her father had worked to get it, and how this piece had marked a really significant milestone for her, it made me feel honored that she offered it to me in the first place. With my grandad's belongings, he had stuff that I really found interesting, but knowing the history or personal story of it would have been really great. He passed away before I ever learned about any of it. Bonus, if no one wants your things now, they likely won't want it when you are gone, so you can donate or sell them now, and use your space for enjoying life in the NOW.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

Gosh ,this is a tough one .I live with a man who by his own admission is abit of a hoarder.He gets visibly upset at the thought of getting rid of anything but the toll this has taken on me over the years in terms of trying to run a house and keep rooms clear enough to clean,have people stay over,all the usual things that you would expect to do in a house ,has been immense.I fantasise about having a minimalist well ordered house.The times when I have felt most free are when I have been camping with minimal clothing and stuff and have just been able to live in the moment .
l think the questions to ask yourself when decluttering are,would I save this from a burning building and would I remember this in 6 months time if I were to let it go now.That usually tells you all you need to know.
Good luck!

SarahD8

Veteran

I was also going to recommend the Swedish Death Cleaning book and I echo all of nemosmom's comments.

I will sign up to be the resident Marie Kondo booster. I have used her method and while I have not quite "completed my tidying" as Kon-Mari parlance goes it has been really transformative of my house, my relationship to stuff, my relationship to consumption. Just so good.

I do think Westerners tend to interpret a couple elements of her work and I can write more about that if you are interested but for now I'll just say that I think there are two things about her method that made it really helpful for me:

Declutter by category, not by location. If you gather up all the pens in your house (to take a very small and minor example) you are really confronted by just how many pens you have and how few you need -- and you can see which ones you really like to use. The effect of cleaning out your office drawer, a junk drawer, your bedside table drawer, and any other location that might contain pens just isn't the same. It helps to see your belongings holistically.

Choose what to keep, not what to get rid of.

She also recommends decluttering categories in a prescribed order:
1. Clothing
2. Books
3. Papers
4. Miscellaneous (you will have to break this down into smaller categories and I don't think there's a set way to do it)
5. Mementos

I think that could be helpful for your situation because (1) you expressed that you didn't know where to start (this gives you a starting place! even if it feels arbitrary to you...you don't have to get hung up in decisions about what to do first/next) and (2) you said that you were sentimental -- her rationale for doing Mementos last is that by the time you get to the really sentimental items you have developed your decluttering skills and it is an easier task.

Anonymous

I helped my mom clean out my grandparents house after they passed- not a fun experience at all. Now I'm helping my own and DHs (all living) parents- and they have A Lot too. Better to do while they're alive, then you know what's important to them.

When I help DM especially, we work on the "low hanging fruit." Kondo says start with clothes, but I don't agree. Start with the easy decisions. We started with paper. 90% of it was easy to toss. If she waffled at all, I set the thing aside and moved to the next easy decision. That way, momentum happens- like a snowball!

That said- seeing everyone elses clutter just commits me more to keep things streamlined here. When I help my family, I come home and do the same here!

What Cardiff Girl said about camping rings true to me too. I had a thought, while staying at a hotel for a work conference, that people travel to escape their c^@p You just have at the hotel the things you need for that time, and it's very freeing. Being away from the lot at the beach should give you fresh eyes when back home.

Anonymous

"So, it is 3 years that I intend to do this but I am paralyzed. I fear the huge physical job and the psychological stress."

I might try taking the seriousness of the task down just a bit. It would be lovely for your family to get it done but not worth making yourself miserable.

Is there a beneficial aspect that's more immediate? Would you enjoy your space more? Would you repurpose an area to a function more useful? Would you reduce the time you spend maintaining and cleaning?

And looking forward, do you have a positive vision of how you'll feel? Or are you thinking that it will somehow destabilize you to let go of these things?

Start where it's easy, go at a comfortable pace and be kind to yourself about it.

cindysmith

Veteran

One cupboard at a time, one closet at a time. One box at a time. One bin at a time. You don't have to do it all in one marathon bout. You only have to choose one box or one cupboard or one storage bin.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with the mess I see in my RV after a few days of work, and then I remember the most valuable lesson I learned in early recovery from addiction: I don't have to stay clean and sober for the rest of my life, I only have to stay clean and sober for today. If staying clean and sober for a whole day seemed too much, I only had to stay clean and sober for today, or for the next hour, or just for the next 5 minutes. So, when the dirty laundry pile is ridiculous (like right now), I break it down into "work clothes I need NOW", and do that load 1st, then the rest can be done when there is more time (like today).

When it comes to decluttering, it can be overwhelming; I do it one cupboard at a time. I edit my wardrobe seasonally, I don't necessarily do it all at once. You can save holiday decoration down-sizing for when that holiday rolls around. You can downsize your bakeware when you bake. Downsize the sentimental stuff a little at a time, taking pictures of items to serve in place of actual items.

It's hard to let go of "stuff" when westernized culture has conditioned us to see "stuff" as status symbols. It's hard to downsize in a society that has conditioned us for bigger better faster more. It's hard to let go of items when we are still affected by those who survived the great depression, when we've just gone through a great recession, when we're falling off yet another economic cliff. It's hard to let go of physical reminders of people we've lost; I get that. Letting go of my dad's suit wasn't letting go of him; it was letting my deceased firefighter daddy help someone even after he is gone (I donated it to a men's shelter with a program to outfit men for job interviews). It's hard letting go, but you don't have to let go of everything and you don't have to let it all go in one fell swoop. And a therapist can help, absolutely. It's okay to get help, none of us can do this thing called life without others to guide us.

(((hugs)))

Cardiff girl

Veteran

You are so wise Cindy.

Classically Casual

Veteran

In my small world I’ve participated in both the parents and in-laws final clear out. Though unpleasant, it wasn’t my stuff, so wasn’t as emotionally difficult.

On the other hand we’ve lived in a large home for 40+ years, and it is past time to downsize, I’ve been dreading the process for some time.
A mentor actually had me do an art project of depicting the home in a collage form, and attach photos or other moments, and then put it away.. Later, after we’ve moved I’ll have a fire, and burn it. That was helpful.

Meanwhile the pandemic arrived, and we’ve been quarantining in our small future home since March. Every few weeks we do a quick visit to the original home. I found now I have NO attachment to much of anything there. In fact I can’t wait to get rid of just about everything.
The timing isn’t right yet, but the lesson for me was just to move on and live and put down roots somewhere else. The rest will be emotionally easy.

Good luck!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

In my experience, the very best way to edit your home and life is to move - to Classically Casual's point - and especially to another country! We have done that many times, and it's AMAZING what you get accomplished, and what you learn to do without. It's hectic though. Sisi, you have my empathy. (And sooooo good to see you on the forum!)

My brother moved my Dad into an assisted living home situation a few weeks ago (in the Netherlands). From his two-bedroom flat in a '70s building, to a studio flat in a converted Victorian mansion. Dad could take a quarter of his stuff with him, and it's worked out really well. My brother is an architect and worked out everything meticulously before the movers moved things.

My Dad does not need the rest. We will pick out a few sentimental things, and the family too. The rest will be donated eventually.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

This is really hard if you are in the least a sentimental person. Which I can be.

I cleaned out my parents' home after my mom passed away -- my dad had died 17 years prior, and it was my childhood home from the age of 7 on. I had my sister's help for much of the task, thank goodness (she lives out of state so it was a big deal for her to take the time off of work and come stay at mom's house so she could help with the process of cleaning out and prepping it to sell). But it was still overwhelming. Mom hung on to a LOT of stuff. Every closet was full of clothing; stuff was hanging on the backs of doors. It was all clean and organized, but it was just too much stuff. Linens, puzzles, books, paperwork...there was a collection of everything, most of it hadn't been used in years.

It was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. We would walk into a room to tackle it and feel overwhelmed before we even started. But doing that task together brought us closer and in a way was very cathartic, so I'm thankful we had the opportunity, hard as it was. That was a significant silver lining to the whole situation. Also, we found some great little treasures that we now cherish.

But the experience really brought it home to me that I don't want to leave a project that big behind when I someday shuffle off this mortal coil. Especially since I don't have children. I would hate for my stepsons or my nieces to be burdened.

I'm mainly sharing this in sympathy with you -- I understand how you are feeling. I have decluttered some portions of my home in fits and starts, but still have some boxes of stuff in our basement from my mom's house, and stuff I need to part with of my own. Start slow and small, with an area or cabinet or closet that is easily conquered, and maybe not too emotionally overwhelming.

Last week I cleaned out our laundry room closet, which is a catchall for dog supplies, laundry stuff, cleaning supplies, light bulbs, etc. It was prompted by the death of our beloved little pug, because every time I'd open that closet I would see her food and feel sad. It was emotional and took hours (I took everything out, wiped and vacuumed everything down, gathered stuff for trash or donation, and reorganized what was left), but it was so good to get it done. One small victory will help motivate you for more. Good luck!

Barbara Diane

Veteran

Lots of good advice. There seem to be several different approaches to this process. One is to do a major purge and then be so careful when you bring anything new into your home - for example-one in one out-that you never have the need for a big purge again. Another is to do it step by step, and know that it is like your closet-you will probably keep adjusting what you want to keep as your needs and desires change. One method says start with the easiest to let go of and one approach says start with the hardest and then everything else will be easy.

DH and I have done it in layers. First some stuff, then some more. You can start with an area that bugs you the most, or something easy. I found purging the kitchen knife and similar stuff drawer an easy place to start. I also found cosmetics, etc. a good place. I don't use the hotel or store samples, how many products did I think would de-frizz my hair, etc.

Sometimes what you need is a system. Why does X pile there? Could it be that putting an attractive storage piece there will solve the problem?

OTOH, don't spend a lot of money on storage or organizing items until after you have purged. And sometimes while purging you will find that a basket, etc. would be a great place to keep something.

I personally do not go by the idea that if you haven't used it in a year, it doesn't need to stay. I often use things a lot after not using them for a while. Same with clothing, jewelry, etc. But, I try not to keep anything that I know I won't use again, unless it is very sentimental. And then I put it somewhere I can enjoy it, or into a memory area.

Do leave enough time to put things away, whether away is your home, a donate pile, or the donation location. Leaving the house looking worse than when you started is discouraging, unless you know that you have scheduled time to finish it the next day, and you are okay with leaving it out until then.

If you can't figure out where to start, start where you are. Have 5 minutes while something is in the microwave? What can you do in the kitchen? The knives? You're at your desk-sort through your pens.

There isn't a right way, what works best for you is what's important.

A few things to keep in mind. Not in any particular order:
Don't let the perfect get in the way of progress. (Maybe I butchered this quote?)
You are what's sacred, your stuff isn't. Brooks Palmer.
Something that was given to you was a gift. As long as you've said Thank You, you've done your part. It is ok to get rid of it.

Good luck!

Staysfit

Veteran

I suggest the book Shed your stuff, Change your Life by Julie Morgenstern. It’s old, and I don’t know how hard it may be to find, but I think it’s helpful if you feel overwhelmed with an organizing/decluttering task, especially due fear that sentiment will interfere. DH and I have been sorting through 33 years of accumulated belongings. We started in January with a goal of doing a little every weekend. Since we are still sheltering in place due to coronavirus, we have had more time, and we are almost done, Remaining are the basement, where we have very little, and a couple of our paper files. The work became easier as we progressed. We both feel more energetic and a sense of accomplishment that is hard to describe.

A few thoughts: 1. We started with the most important items. For us, this meant updating and creating a place for our estate documents and making sure it contained everything our children might need. Wills, medical proxy’s, powers of attorney, lists of bank and investment accounts, access to the passwords, safe deposit keys, etc. 2. My neighbor lost everything in a house fire, The least replaceable items were photographs of her son that were not saved in cloud format. We are scanning or have scanned every photo and pictures of sentimental items to a secure cloud location. 3. Make decisions quickly and work with someone else. We found our tendency to become overwhelmed and emotional diminished with support and encouragement. 4. Work in sections. Depending on the time, we might do only a drawer, shelf, cabinet or an entire room. 5. Remove giveaway items quickly, We had an agreement to hold them in our home for no more than two weeks before removal. 6. When you put items back in place, put the, where they are used most, or where you will think of looking for them when needed. Group similar items together. Use containers, labels, and make sure everything is visible! When things are not visible, they go unused. 7. I found it easy to give away things we do not use, including items that were gifted to us when we married. They were sitting unseen in cabinets and closets, and I do not miss them. People do not expect to see them anymore when they visit. I kept my favorite items and things I use, the rest is gone. 8. I found that once I started the process, my ideas about how to organize shifted, so I have allowed for reorganization. 9. Blue painters tape works well for labels because it is easily removable. I used metallic markers to write labels. 10. Once you have reduced clutter, it becomes easier to sort what remains. I am finding that we have continued to remove additional items that we had not previously considered. 11. It also gets easier to sort which sentimental items to keep and which to part with. DH has his items and I have mine and we kept the items our children requested, however we did not keep much since things that have meaning for us do not hold the same emotional weight with our kids. It gets easier to discern the most important as you proceed, so give yourself permission to be lenient in the beginning, 12. Papers and photos were the most difficult for us to sort through. 13. We easily removed duplicates....for example, how many of those glass vases from gifted flowers did we need? We had stored around 15 of them! We kept none. We use the crystal vases we inherited from our mothers. 14. We made rules...basically keep what we use, keep what we use infrequently but for special occasions, do not keep unique one purpose use items that have not been used for more than two years, unless we could anticipate its use in the next year, and or unless it was a particularly expensive item that would be hard to replace.

rachylou

Veteran

I think it’s too hard to do big clear-outs on your own. When my dad passed away, all his brothers, my brother, and an aunt came to help me and my mom. They went through not only my dad’s stuff but also my grandma’s. Found art, antique and book dealers. And also, of course, took away some of the spoils for themselves.

Sal

Veteran

It is hard Sisi, and I think the advice above is good.

I also have had to assist with cleaning up my parent's home and my Mother in Law's - and two Grandmothers. So I understand your motivation.

I have certain areas I am really on top of, and others that are always really behind. So there may be an area that you want to tackle first and will make a big difference.

I tackled photographs online and physical in lockdown. I had been procrastinating for years. I just started on Easter weekend and became addicted. I then spent all my free time doing it for three weeks and then it was done. It is not perfect - but they are sorted and logical and reduced in number.

Paperwork is my nemesis....and my most challenging.

Big hug to you and do let us know how you get on.

Sisi

Veteran

Many, many thanks for taking the time to comment this post.

At the moment I cannot answer you in detail but rest assured I am reading your comments with great gratitude. Thank you for the valuable advice, the suggested books, the wise words, the sympathy and the hugs.

As I said, I will study your comments more in depth during my vacation. I will be back in late July. Happy July to all!

unfrumped

Veteran

Such wonderful advice.
Having recently retired, I also am trying to do some de-cluttering though I do not have to make any immediate down-sizing plans.

I found it helpful that when I surveyed various rooms and closets, I identified not just my "treasures", but lots of "delayed maintenance" and things that I have no more use for and no interest in.

So it has been important to me to be able to say that I can keep anything I really still love (especially if still use but not required), I don't have to decide what furniture I would take to a smaller house or apartment. I am working on the excess cleaning supplies ( a bit more fraught now in pandemic when I actually added cleaning agents--but at least can identify which ones I may need), hardware, old electrical things, out of date computer gear, and so on.
Furnitire-wise, I did have that thing about saving and storing items for years "in case the kids needed it for their... dorms, apartments, homes.."--which virtually never happened.

I have the luxury of some spare bedroom space for a holding zone for editing some decor items. It has helped, just like clothing, to see, do I miss that item, or that type of decor, or am I over that?

Also, though the pandemic is kind of mucking up experimenting with new ventures and some hobbies and people-related activities, I am working with "know thyself" and narrowing down to the things I am done with, things I am most likely to keep doing and some things I might do in future--this affects decorating items, wrapping, gift items, craft supplies, sports and outdoor items. It is very tempting to hoard everything due to combination of pandemic isolation, which includes both not wanting to shop and also not being able to take advantage of inexpensive second-hand market, and thinking of fixed income issues. But, there is great truth in how you need open space and empty space to find new directions--very much overlap in wardrobe editing and home decluttering. I have to trust that if I decide in 2 years to take up this or that activity, that I will not try to second-guess whether this or that whatsit or widget would have been perfect for it--I will figure out what I need when the time comes.