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Teetotal Advice?

Helena

Veteran

Hiya wise women! Let me start this post by saying I have absolutely no moral opinion of drinking vs. not drinking - I love me a cold glass of NZ sauv. blanc, or a cool Corona with lime a summer's day. I could care less whether someone drinks or not. So PLEASE I hope I am not offending anyone at all with my question

That said - for various reasons, primarily supporting a friend who is having some trouble at the moment, I am going teetotal for Lent. This is not a big deal to me as I don't drink much or often to start with. However, I am already getting a few comments from friends, joking of course, about not hanging out with me during Lent, or suggesting I need to give something else up, or whatever. And as I ponder, most social events with my friends are to have a glass of wine and a chat, or whatever. I don't want to be the party pooper, and I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable about enjoying their drinks. But, I also don't want to feel like a peer-pressured teenager when I am almost 42 years old!

Any suggestions or advice on how to navigate this one with grace, while not getting kicked out of the girls club for being a killjoy?? Thanks SO much xx

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48 replies

Latest reply was from Barbara Diane

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I don't drink at all. Never have, and never will. And have never felt like a "party popper". Quite the opposite, in fact!

(I cannot handle the taste of alcohol. It's nothing more than that).

I have wonderful fresh lemonade made at restaurants for me. I love strawberry lemonade and iced tea too. I also drink mocktails, and enjoy cranberry juice with soda water. When I'm at a dive with great food, I drink coke zero. At Asian restaurants I have hot tea. I'm not a big water drinker at all. That's my social drinking story!

Tina

Veteran

I can never understand why it bothers other people. Would they not have recovering alcoholics (who need to abstain) for friends? How about pregnant friends? No thank you is all that is needed. If they decide not to include you in their social forays because of your decision, honestly, I would reconsider their friendship.
As you can tell, this irritates me greatly. Drinking (not drinking) is a choice. What do they care if you enjoy water or tea or soda instead.

Anonymous

I know exactly what you're saying. I quit drinking for Lent about 15 years ago, and just kept going because I felt better. Everyone I know drinks, but I tried not to make a big thing of quitting so they wouldn't feel uncomfortable about enjoying themselves with a glass of their favorite adult beverage. Sometimes you really get it pushed on you, I suppose because people don't like drinking alone. I noticed I wasn't hanging out with some people as often as I used to, and I think it was because I was no longer a "drinking buddy." But if people are kicking you out of a group because you don't drink, do you really want to be a part of it? They should be happy they now have a designated driver!

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I guess if friends were pressing me on it I'd tell them what you said here:

"I (also) don't want to feel like a peer-pressured teenager when I am almost 42 years old! "

There are many reasons people avoid alcohol - and you can have a lot of other drink options at any bar or restaurant. I sometimes just think people feel a little guilty for drinking and want everyone else to make it acceptable by joining in.

viva

Veteran

TG: I don't drink, and even friends who have known me for years and know that I don't drink will still comment, bring me wine at the holidays, or try to order a drink for me. I mean, I have not had alcohol for 20 years.

It's weird, really weird, and frankly completely unhealthy, how obsessed our society is with alcohol. (I'm talking broadly here -- please no one take that as a personal affront.)

So ... what can you do?

You can order a non-alcoholic beer, but that will also raise questions.
You can follow one of Angie's suggestions and look festive and hope not to get a question.
You can tell people you're on a cleanse.
You can tell people you're trying Lent out, just for fun.
You can tell people you're pregnant. (ha!)
You can tell people you have mono. (They will at least back up from you.)
You can tell people you have a migraine. (Often true for me.)
You can tell people you have a WICKED hangover from last night that you're still nursing. (They'll get it.)
You can offer to be designated driver. Every night.
You can just say, "Really? You're going to pressure me? At our age?"
You can look over their shoulder and say, "Oh -- someone's trying to get my attention -- be right back."
You can just walk away.

Good luck! I hope some of these tips help. I use every single one of them.

rachylou

Veteran

Personally, I'd pout, make puppy face and say, 'You not gonna love sweet little me? Aww.'

Laurinda

Veteran

Club soda on ice with a slice of lime.
Refreshing, no sugar, and anyone who cares will think it is a gin & tonic.

(Plus it is often free!)

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

Well, did someone ask you what you were going to give up for Lent?

Helena

Veteran

Citygirl, no, someone asked why I was going to be a DD, so I said I was giving it up for Lent, and then I got some comments. I know they were meant in good fun, but I find it stressful. I don't want it to be a big deal or for anyone to feel any pressure over it one way or another. I have no desire to talk about my choice or make a thing out of it or have anyone do anything different than they would normally do, but people in my circles tend to bring these things up! So I need to figure out how to stick-handle.

Angie, love the festive suggestions!
Tina, Xtabay, textstyle, Viva, you are probably quite right and thanks so much for the suggestions! Laurinda, great option. Rachylou, I love that one!!

Thanks all for commenting Appreciated, as always!

Aziraphale

Veteran

I'm sure your friends are just joking. I wouldn't worry too much about this one. If you don't mention it, the fact that you're not drinking alcohol won't even come up until you're at the table and everyone orders an alcoholic drink, and you don't -- at which point you might get a few questions. You can easily answer these with the truth: I'm giving up alcohol for Lent.

I'd be really surprised if everyone doesn't just move on. I have two friends who don't drink, one because he doesn't like the taste, and the other because her family has a history of rampant alcohol abuse, and she's never wanted to risk it. After the initial "are you sure you don't want a glass of wine" question, everyone just accepts it.

catseye

Veteran

I don't drink at all. I cannot tolerate it and I tell people the truth. Most people don't bother me after that. A bunch of addiction researchers I used to work with loved the fact because apparently east Asians often lack a enzyme to metabolize alcohol. They were happy to have an example in their midst.

I think your situation is trickier because it is temporary and they know that you do drink. I think you just have to use humor to deal with it for the next 40 days. I love rachy's line.

Helena

Veteran

Thanks Aziraphale ... it wouldn't be unprecedented for me to be having anxiety about something un-necessarily Appreciate the perspective!

ETA - Thanks Catseye!

JAileen

Veteran

I love Viva's suggestions! A few years ago I gave up alcohol for a diet. Anyone who asked, I just told them. No one pressured me to go off my diet. At gatherings with a bar, sometimes I'll get club soda with lime. It looks like a drink, and no one bothers me. I should add, however, if someone were to give me a hard time, I would just give it right back. Our community has a huge problem with alcoholism. Our church hosts twelve AA meetings every week, and I doubt we're the only ones.

Kim

Veteran

Tell them you are giving it up for lent so they don't have to! You will be the dd for lent, and they can count on you! isn't that thoughtful of you?? Say it with a smile, and that should do the trick.

carter

Veteran

I'm about 95% paleo these days, so I don't drink. I do, however, enjoy the ritual of relaxing with a glass of something and my husband at the end of the day. Kombucha in a wine glass is my preference at home. I also take a bottle of Kombucha to friends' homes for cocktails. BYOK? When we go out I order club soda in a wine glass, no ice, splash of oj or cranberry juice and a lime. YUM.

Anyone who gives you a hard time about it has their own issues. Ignore them.

Style Fan

Veteran

I rarely drink these days. I had to stop because I found wine gave me migranes. I only drank wine. Darn. I did enjoy a glass of good wine. I did not enjoy the migrane.
Most of my friends just accept this and offer me something else to drink. I have a couple of friends who insist on giving me a glass of wine that they know will not give me migranes. Or they have a cure for migranes. They get very upset that I am not drinking. I don't debate the issue. I just continue to say no thank you. It does leave me wondering why my decision to not have a glass of wine is such a big deal for someone else.

Desmo April

(website)

Veteran

For the most part people don't actually care. It can raise questions because it is different from what you've done in the past. I'm generally a drinker so if I'm not drinking its not uncommon for one of my friends to ask.

Sometimes its a one time thing: I'm the driver for the night or I need to get up in the morning. Sometimes its been longer term: don't want the extra calories, not spending on alcohol or I'm on medication. I've never felt like its an issue.

catgirl

Veteran

Style Fan, I recently learned about wine and migraines as I could not figure out why even a sip of certain wines would give me a "hangover". I thought it was sulfites or sulfates, but I guess jar spaghetti sauce has that too and doesn't give me any issues. Then I thought it was organic vs. non-organic, or malbecs and syrahs, but nothing was consistent.

Finally I ran into a wine distributor at a random party and she explained to me what's going on. Turns out that wine from grapes grown in warmer climates have a histamine in them that cold climate grapes do not, and some people have an allergic reaction that manifests in that way. Now I stick to wines from cool climates like Oregon, Washington, France, and Northern CA.

As for the original question, we have friends who have decided to take a hiatus from drinking but are okay being around others who are drinking, so they just let us know and it's all good.

Helena

Veteran

Some great advice here, thanks all ... For the record I do know that the majority of people could care less what's in my glass I just know from experience there's always bound to be a comment here and there and feel better being prepared with a tactful reaction thx all!! As always!!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I agree with Aziraphale. I was a big drinker a long time ago, and don't drink much now, but I do appreciate a glass of wine or a craft beer or a cocktail or two, maybe once or twice a week.

However, many of our friends and family members do not drink for various reasons. Most of them have learned to field questions with a vague but polite answer, and I would say the question is dropped about 99% of the time after that. Most people really don't care and won't notice if you order a cranberry and soda or even water.

I once attended a party held by a friend of my sister, and I just didn't feel like drinking more than a single beer. One of her friends kept trying to push another drink into my hands. I eventually just took it and then sat it down later without even taking a sip. My youngest stepson, who doesn't drink but is in a rock band (and spends a lot of time playing in bars and clubs) has to do the same thing many times.

Anonymous

Most of the time people will stop asking after initially questioning you. Be patient. Some need to test your resolve or have their own issues.

Anonymous

I don't drink - never have - and have no problem saying, "Thanks, but I don't drink" whenever I'm offered something. Now that I'm older and manage chronic pain with meds. I have an additional reason to say no.

anne

Veteran

TG I'm glad you've got some great tactful lines to use!!

I do drink, but not very much at all (as in I'll have one glass of wine every few months) and don't really feel like I have the whole drinking culture down pat - Australians on the whole are quite into drinking (often a lot) and my unwillingness to get drunk was somewhat of a barrier when I was younger. And I've never really had that whole "let's catch up for a drink" thing sorted and I do feel that I'd like to. (I do manage the odd after work drink ok.).

Anyway - Lent is only for a few weeks!

Gaylene

Veteran

My "trick" is to order what I want--soda water with lime, mocktail, or whatever comes in glass that resembles a drink--and say nothing. If someone asks me "Aren't you having wine?", I just say "Nope, not tonight" and leave it at that. Explaining is not necessary, and often a bad move, since it makes people want to defend their choice or to try get me to change my mind. If someone had the bad manners to press me for a reason, I'd probably pause, look at them, and then change the subject by complimenting him/her. Usually startles the questioner and sends a clear message to the rest of the group.

I do think, though, it's nice to have something in a glass in front of me to join in the toasts and celebrations.

Nebraskim

Veteran

I agree with Gaylene above. Explaining is not necessary. When people question me about why I don't eat wheat, I reply "I'm curious as to why you're so interested in something that is solely my business and none of yours. Why do you care what I choose to eat?" That usually shuts them down because it throws the explanation back into their court. It's your decision and they do not need or deserve you having to defend your decisions. I applaud you for your decision.

Sal

Veteran

Good luck to you TG!! Great to show solidarity with your friend.

I do enjoy wine and beer, but give up a couple of times a year for 2-3 weeks, and drink moderately the rest of the time.

spoff

i was never much of a drinker and over the years this has evolved into pretty much not drinking at all. Why people question this or care is always a source of fascination to me. I had a conversation with my new SIL recently that pretty much turned into the Spanish Inquisition. Her "Can I ask you why you don't drink" me " I just don't prefer it" her " so you don't have a drinking problem you just don't drink" me " right "her " does it make you sick give you headaches" me " no " Her " do you feel out of control when you drink" me "no " her " don't you want to relax and have fun " me " I am relaxed and I'm having fun" this went on for about half an hour and she finally said " wow I've never met someone who wasn't
an alcoholic that didn't drink " me " well I guess I'm a unicorn"
I wonder how the conversation would have went had I been the one questioning why she does drink.

rachylou

Veteran

Spoff, that is fascinating. I hope you don't mind my saying... I think about it - it means your SIL has been immersed in a drinking society her whole life. Like deep in the heart of a jungle and she's never made it near any border for a glimpse of anything else. Or if she has, it was in a metaphorical flyover, distant and removed seeming, outside the window. That makes her kinda vulnerable. It is perhaps a good thing she has you for a SIL now...

spoff

Rachylou that is great perspective. My SIL is a lovely girl so I wasn't offended at all by her line of questioning, I just found it odd. your take on it really helps me understand a little better where she might be coming from

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