Teens can be tough on a mom - YouLookFab Forum

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Teens can be tough on a mom

Glory

Veteran

Any advice on how to deal with one's hurt feelings that your children do not want to spend any time with you? I know that it is part of growing up and testing their wings but it is hard not to have hurt feelings about it. I need to be far less sensitive about it but find it difficult and it depresses me. I am sure there are many of us who would give anything to have a few minutes with their mom again. Mine has been gone for over 18 years.

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17 replies

Latest reply was from Sveta

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Sympathies Glory:) It is so hard especially as we know we'd give anything to have more time with our mothers.

My only suggestion is to step back & find things you enjoy to do on your own or with friends. It is a paradox but in my experience the more you let go the more they will seek you out.

Gaylene

Veteran

Echoing Caro. It's probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do as a parent but vital if you want to maintain a close relationship in the future. Try to see their growing independence as a sign that you're doing a fine job raising them to be independent adults who will be able to create a good life for themselves in the future.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I have no advice here since we don't have kids. But I have family and friends whose teens are being really hurtful to them at the moment so I feel for you. ((((HUGS))).

Glory, I wish you the best and lots of strength on this journey. xoxo

rebekahphoto

Veteran

Glory, I understand how hard it can be, I was pretty rough on my parents as a teen. Too much of the 'teenage angst-nobody understands me-they are ruining my life" feelings. I work with teens now, and have to constantly remind myself they live "in the moment", feelings are raw and they often don't think about consequences, and parents sometimes seem like the enemy.

My parents were great and didn't push too hard. After college, as I grew up my parents became important as I saw their experiences and sacrifices, and I understood all they did for me. In my late 30s my husband and I even lived with them for 3 years while in grad school! and now I see them weekly, and cherish that time, as I know it could end any time.

You kids are lucky to have a parent who cares about them! They do notice the difference from a caring parent and an absent parent, even if they don't consciously say it. When they are older, and wiser they will realize it!

Anonymous

Hugs to you. I'm not there yet with my kids, but I have a middle-schooler who thinks I don't know anything. I can just *see* where this is going as he gets to be a teenager. Despite my apparent stupidity, right now his future plans still include living in the same neighborhood as us so he can see us when he grows up. Those feelings will surely change, but you've reminded me not to take his innocent assumptions/comments for granted, even when he's driving me insane with his know-it-all attitude.

Isis

Veteran

Teens ARE hard! But, as the mom of a 20 yr old and a 17 yr old, I can tell you that they do come around to enjoying time with you again. Hang in there!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Big hugs, Glory. It's a difficult stage, for sure.

Kristin SF

Veteran

Glory, I have a 3 year old who -- when I take away his toys or make him eat his veggies -- tells me things like "Fine, I'm not going to be your best friend anymore!" and "I don't like you, Mommy!" So I hear you.

All I can say is not to take it personally, this is a stage and everyone goes through it. Big hugs, though - it doesn't feel good in the moment, does it?

Ah the joys of parenthood. But, keep your eyes on the prize - things should turn around in about 10 years or so.

rachylou

Veteran

Think of it this way: If a teen wants to starting hanging with their mom for no reason, something is wrong...

Traci

Veteran

As they say about growing old "I prefer it to the alternative." I know it would be nice for them to want to spend more time with you, but they need this time to become independent, successful people who don't need to lean on their mom for every little thing. It's all part of growing up and means that you've built them strong and secure enough that they're ready to roam with less supervision.

The parent/child relationship is definitely hard to navigate. It's not about equality or fairness whatsoever. I'm just fumbling through it with my 15 year old now.

Lyn D.

Veteran

I try to remember what I was like at the same age, and am usually thankful that mine aren't as bad as I was!!
These days when they actually do want to tell me something or spend time with me, I try to drop everything and give them my complete attention if possible.
All being well we will be the best of friends in a decade or so when I am not so clueless and strict

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I am not very close with my mom, and really wasn't through my teen years either - we tend to butt heads very often.

During my teen years, my dad was very supportive though. He would never really butt into my business, but he would always be there if I wanted to talk to him or anything like that. We still did things together (we both loved mountain biking).

Recently, I have grown closer to my dad - but still not close at all with my mom. Who knows.

jayne

Veteran

Give them space. I voice the fact they are being hurtful in a 'matter of fact' way, make it clear that it is not acceptable to me, matter of fact again, and I let them have their space. I leave the room, go for a walk, try to take better care of me. I don't have any proof that they treat me better later, but I feel better. And I call my mom every once in awhile and try to make up for being my own rotten teenager once.

Kim

Veteran

I have 3 grown kids now, (24, 22 and 20) As a previous poster said, give them some space to go out an "find" themselves, and be available for them when they need you, but they *will* come back in the future.

It's kind of a "breaking away" stage that seems to need to happen, but in a couple of years they become confident in their own adulthood and can start relating to you as an adult (although you will always secretly think of them as your baby! LOL). It becomes fun again! Truly! My two dd's now want to travel with me and my sister (cause we always have a lot of fun with or without the "kids") and ask advice on relationships, boys, futures, retirement, etc.

Hold on, find some of your own interests and wait for it to pass. Let them grow up, as you always intended for them, and let them have a little space to do that. (And when they give you that "you're so lame look" try not to hurt them! LOL)

MsMary

Veteran

Ah, Glory, I'm late to this thread but I feel for you!

It may not be any comfort, but the only thing worse than teens who don't want anything to do with you is a college graduate who's several years past his use-by date and won't leave the house! LOL It's always something, but it always works out in the end! (And if it hasn't worked out, it isn't the end!)

I am team "give them their space," along with many of the other wise women here. And to ease the pain a little, find something that inspires and excites you! This is finally your time to explore some of the interests you've put on the back burner while you were so devoted to mothering! Remember, if they're spreading their wings it's because you've done your job, which was to grow strong and independent people!

Hugs!!!

nancylee

Veteran

Just chiming in to say hang in there. Teens can really be self-absorbed...it's what they do. They're busy defining themselves, finding themselves, and a lot of that involves distancing themselves from home and parents.

BUT, it gets better! Like a boomerang, they fly out and then fly back. Our son just turned 21 and we just spent a great 4 days in New Orleans, traveling and sightseeing together during his college spring break. When we came home, he cooked dinner for us almost every night. He's actually turning into an adult...and it's amazing to see.

Take heart. We've been there. Pushing and nagging for closeness from teens will definitely backfire. Give them space and they'll find their way back to you when they're ready.

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Glory, I have been here. Caro is spot on - give them room to grow and they will come to you themselves.
When our sons were teens at high school we hardly ever saw them: even being at home they spent more time on the computer than with us. However when they went away to universities it all changed: they come home for the weekend or holidays and we talk all the time. They realized and appreciated what home and parents is when they went away.