Swimwear woes - :| Is there a good way to tell people I don't want to? - YouLookFab Forum

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Swimwear woes - :| Is there a good way to tell people I don't want to?

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Dear YLF,

I have an odd question. The bunch of us residents are going to a resort this weekend, and there is apparently a hot tub involved. I really, really, don't want to do this.

I have been trying to figure out why this is so difficult for me, but I think I came down to a few reason.

1. I have surgical scars down my chest that are supposed to be gone by now (2-3 years post-operatively), but are definitely still there.

2. I recently had shingles, so I still have scarring and inflammation on my abdomen from that.

3. Sitting in a hot tub to me is like roasting in each other's sweat and to me I can't wrap my head around it (culturally)...

4. I definitely don't have "swim suit" in my winter budget. Since I need it by this weekend, I doubt I will find one on sale.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can turn down the invitation to go in the tub? I don't mind coming along to the resort and take part in the other activities, but just that one.

I know that you can't go into one with an open wound, and short of stabbing my arm to give myself an open wound, I thought I'd YLF inquire first

Thanks for the help

General

47 replies

Latest reply was from rachylou

rae

(website)

Veteran

Hm.... tough one since you are all residents and you can't make up a BS health condition. Maybe one of these?
http://www.ehow.com/facts_5890.....-tubs.html

Or just tell them that you don't like hot tubs. "Never have for some reason... just one of those weird things, I guess. lol heh heh."

Krista

Veteran

I'm not sure this will help you, but I have a "no bathing suits" rule with people I work with. I just have no desire to be seen in a bathing suit by colleagues. Ever. I don't care much if the other people are wearing bathing suits, but it's not for me. So, sometimes I clearly state my rule and other times I conveniently "forget" to pack my suit.....

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I think it would be perfectly fine to say you don't care for hot tubs. Lots of people don't!

You could just say, "Oops, I forgot my suit" but someone might offer to lend you one.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Thanks!

@ Rae - Don't worry, they're psychiatrists, I can pull some health issue on them... harharhar

@ Krista - I think that's a good policy to have in general. I like this.

@ Janet - Smart thinking. I'm pretty sure they'd just make me go buy one. LOL.

Raisin

Veteran

Yah I'd just go with, I don't do hot tubs, I find them gross. Pretty hard to argue with that!

unfrumped

Veteran

What Krista said.

Sure, it's may be sometimes less of a deal with younger folks, but still it's not the best work-social activity. If swimming/tubbing is available, it's more appropriate to have gatherings where swimming (and suits) are completely optional--okay to be one of the options but not a deal where it's awkward not to.
So, a pool party invitation that says 'swimming if desired, lounging, hanging out by pool, barbecue". You can bet most adults will not be in the pool (for office event).

And hot tub groups seem even more for people who are very close friends ( or kids), like go over to your best friend's house, or again, at a resort should be one of many activities that you can do or not.

Your best bet is to wear a nice casual outfit that clearly isn't for the water. You might have to go so far as to say no thanks, I'm not a big hot-tubber but I'm enjoying my lovely cocktail. If possible, see if there is another activity that you and some others would do--depends on the resort and your sense of what will make you most comfortable in your group.

I sympathize!

qfbrenda

Veteran

I would conveniently forget my suit.

That said, when you choose to you could find a suit that is high necked and covers your tummy. I've seen cute ones like that. Then your scars--we all have them!--wouldn't an issue.

Aida

Veteran

Hmm I also don't really like hot tubs in big groups like that, though I don't mind occasionally using my own at home with hubby or just one or two good friends (and even then I usually pass on it). When invited to things like that, I just say that I don't like hot tubs (which is mostly true, I can't be in them long at all or I get overheated). It has never been a problem just to say it outright. And there have been a few times when I've lounged (in normal clothing) in a deck chair NEXT to the tub with others in the hot tub and been just fine doing that. I do hope you won't need to acquire an open wound to get out of it

Anonymous

Lyn, you already have a medical reason. You are not completely over the shingles. Besides that, I can't imagine being comfortable in hot water with the abdominal inflammation you still have. I don't know that just saying you forgot your suit would work. They may decide they will help you out and make it a no suit zone. You might tell them that you don't want to expose them to shingles.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Thanks so much again;

@Raisin - they are, aren't they?

@Unfrumped - thanks so much; I hope they will have other activities. If I wear an outfit with tights they can't possibly think of that as appropriate for water :p Maybe jet skiing?

@Qfbrenda - I'm more concerned because they are medical people and looking at the placement of scars, they would know what surgeries I've had - and I'd rather have that side of my medical history be private. They look okay. Kinda like sideways happy faces... like

unfrumped

Veteran

What qfbrenda said and I would add, at some point you decide whether you would "go there" with the right coverage, and the event allows for some coverage--hence, a flattering suit, or even a rash guard or board shorts--vs. you no way want to be in the water no matter what. Then you just follow your own muse and can't worry about what other people think. Trying to stay relaxed and comfortable with your decision helps so that you're a happy member of the group and that's what they remember, not whether you are in the water or what you look like.

That helps my thinking in some resort/party dilemmas, because at a conference I might have the opportunity to swim with my close lady-friends and then I go for the right suit and coverup for backup. Hanging out by pool with my husband's coworkers, I am fully clothed with no swimsuit in sight.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Yeah, I'd just say, "I don't really like hot tubs." I'll bet you'll find somebody else will be relieved to be able to sit out with you! You can always dangle your toes in if necessary.

You could also say, "I run hot and overheat in them." That is true of my daughter, who has no health issues, no surgeries, and no bosses to worry about. She just doesn't like them, never has, and probably never will -- and it is mostly because she feels TOO DARN HOT!!!

Spiffy

I vote for 'forgetting' your suit. Maybe purposefully wear pants that you can comfortably roll up so you can sit on the side of the tub and have your feet/calves in. You can still be with the group and part of the socializing without the exposure.

L'Abeille

Veteran

Tell them you forgot your suit. Or your Imodium.
You don't have to make up the scary medical stories, just look some up! I put the clinical part of my brain on hold when I get in one (I sadly love them> But having kids diminishes one's body-self-consciousness)

Thistle

Veteran

Forgetting your suit probably won't work. They would jut want you to go pick one up.

I would just state you don't like hot tubs. Cultural issue. Most people would leave it at that.

And honestly, if you are still recovering from shingles,you probably should not be in the hot water.

DonnaF

Veteran

When my DD overheats, as she would in a hot tub, she gets nosebleeds. Wonder if that happens to you?

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

I think you have an easy out with the recent shingles episode. I can't imagine someone insisting you go hot tubbing when you are still recovering. That would be bizarre. Wait - do they know you had shingles? If not, saying you overheat easily seems another good response. I mean, how boorish are these colleagues? Are they going to ride roughshod over your feelings/objections? I'd think a firm but polite/friendly NO THANKS would suffice. Stay close by with an umbrella drink to stay in the loop and you're fine, imo.

Sometimes we tend to over obsess about things that end up being non-issues. You're not the only one shy about wearing a swimsuit...perhaps someone will join you tub-side for an umbrella drink.

Adelfa

Veteran

I would probably say, "I have sensitive skin, and hot tubs don't work for me."

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I don't think there's anything wrong with simply saying that you don't like hot tubs, and leaving it at that. There's nothing saying you can't lounge on a chair and socialize with those who do partake. I'm sure there will be at least a couple of other people who'd prefer not to do the hot tub thing.

I don't think I'd bother saying you forgot your swimsuit or whatever, because invevitably, someone will offer to take you to a store to get one, or lend you one...yadda yadda yadda.

Much easier to just casually state that you're not a fan of hot tubs. They're too hot or whatever. You don't need a medical reason or excuse - you simply don't like them, and that's that. Throw on some comfy pool-side lounge-type wear and join in on the socializing aspect (recline on a lounge chair close by) and I'm sure it'll all be just fine.

Don't stress - it's ok if you don't like something, and you *can* do this without coming across as judgemental or feeling all awkward. It can be as easy as saying, "I always find them way too hot ..." or something along those lines.

I wouldn't say you think they are "gross" though - because that could come across as a bit judgemental toward those who don't mind jumping in. It's simply that you don't like them because you find them uncomfortable or just plain too hot for you.

Good luck and don't stress about this one. I don't like hot tubs all that much myself, and I also don't like saunas. I really *do* find them to be too hot, and they just aren't my thing. I can't imagine anyone thinking anything bad about me because I don't like hot tubs or saunas all that much.

It would be a different story if I tried to come up with some other excuse - a forgotten swimsuit or what have you. No...I'm much better off simply saying I don't like hot tubs. No one is going to try and goad you into it or give you a hard time if you say something like, "I don't really like hot tubs all that much because they are way too hot for me..."

If you don't like them, then it's as simple as that.

editing to add: I like Adelpha's suggestion too.

Aziraphale

Veteran

You could just say you have a yeast infection. You know, if you're into shock value.

Adelfa

Veteran

Elisabeth: can't stop laughing!

Aziraphale

Veteran

I have to ask: would you still want to go into the hot tub if you didn't have scars? If you hadn't had shingles? If it were hygienic? If not, you need to do a little more work on your eating disorder issues. I say this from experience. It's not a judgment. But you cannot be "over" your eating disorder if you have difficulty, psychologically, wearing a bathing suit in front of people.

P.S. I think scars are sexy. (Shingles, not so much. I'm with you there).

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

@Mamapicklejuice, they sure do know I have shingles - because I went around asking people "do 27 year olds get shingles???" all two weeks :p

@ Velvety, I think you bring up a good point. I will try to be as unjudgemental as possible

@ Elizabeth, I'm perfectly okay wearing a swim suit equivalent ... like last time I was in a fitting room, the sales lady opened my door by accident (haha; door, it was more of a curtain) and I felt fine about it - she said something like, "I'm so sorry, that must be embarrassing." I kinda was like, "No, nothing to be embarrassed about." Because I'm not.

There was another time I swapped tops on the sales floor because the sales person was all like, well, there are no rooms ... but that's another story and I was more mad than anything else

I also can't find a psychiatrist willing to work with me on my eating disorder issues because they've been so chronic and they're not really that urgent anymore. I don't have any self-harming behaviours aside from disordered eating when I am very stressed out - and I generally try to avoid that as much as I can. I also dont' really look like I have any eating problems either; there are many girls in med that are a lot "sicklier" than I am. It's been definitely a challenge - and also my parents are encouraging me to stick it out on my own if I can.

christy

Veteran

I'm with Krista in the camp of not liking to mix bathing suits and co-workers! I think you can easily say that you aren't fond of hot tubs and just don't like to get in them, but would be happy to socialize while everyone else enjoys the hot tub. You can always offer to bring them drinks! before long they won't even notice you're not in there too!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Lyn, I wasn't finger-pointing or anything....I just know that I did some hot tub avoidance in my late teens/early twenties, and although I said it was because hot tubs are gross (which they are, a bit), that wasn't the real reason. If your disordered eating is something you can manage, and you honestly don't feel that it is a reason you are avoiding the wearing of the bathing suit in front of your co-workers, then everything is all right.

But I disagree with Christy. I think everyone will notice that you're not getting in. The trick is to not care. You get in or stay out if you want to. But don't let your lovely body be a source of shame.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

@Christy - As long as I don't get all the drinks mixed up

@Elisabeth, I think you're right - I do swim regularly in terms of laps in a pool where I frequent where the other swimmers are men and I find they are less judgemental (also they are old so their eyesight is failing) - I am still very sensitive about certain body things (like belly and like arm fat) - I mean, I hope it is nothing and hopefully it won't come back or get worse.

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

I agree with Christy. I think sometimes we think all eyes are on us and everyone is going to notice us, and really, everyone is just thinking about themselves! If *you* don't act funny about it, the incident won't stick in their minds.

Can't modesty and propriety also be reasons for not wanting to be in a state of undress around colleagues?

Aziraphale

Veteran

When you say the men are less judgmental, do you mean that other women comment on how you look? And the men don't? How do you know that men are less judgmental?

By the way, most women have a belly and arm fat. Some of the loveliest artist's models I've worked with had those things in abundance. And they also had a generous helping of confidence. These are women who happily strip down and let a roomful of people scrutinize their bodies -- I mean, to draw a model, you really have to LOOK. I think the root of things, with body issues, is how you feel about yourself as a person. Once you interalize how truly awesome you are as a whole person, your body shape will matter a lot less to you. Really, it will.

I'm saying all this out of a desire to help. Because I've been there, and life is better if you can put those demons to rest.

MPJ: you think so? I don't know. Maybe if a number of people didn't get in. But if I were at a work thing, and only one person didn't get in, I'd notice.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

lol, elizabeth, I've never received snarky comments from men, but some women feel free to tell you that your abdomen is too fat or your arms still are waving after you've said goodbye ... and that makes me sad inside.

Most days I dont' really feel like a totally awesome person, but that's a whole other can of worms

I think some of the people in my group are going to do some kind of "African tribal dance" instead of hot tubbing. Could sound fun

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