Street Harassment - YouLookFab Forum

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Street Harassment

Christina F.

Veteran

It has been a while since I’ve been harassed on the street. It happened a lot when I was younger and lived in an area where it’s prevalent. I felt invisible once I moved and got married. Until yesterday... I share this because I know a lot of have dealt with this and sharing can be healing.

This is by far one of the worst incidents I’ve experienced. I admit to being very lucky.

I was walking to run an errand, and was still very near my home. I live in NYC and run errands in my immediate neighborhood on foot.

I walked somewhere I have walked countless times. Usually I have headphones on, but did not this time. As I walk by a guy I barely noticed, he said something very suggestive to me, in a very soft voice. I’m used to the louder, more boastful type of harassment. This was just... creepy. What he said was inappropriate so I won’t repeat it here. There could be no doubt of the intention or the intended recipient - no one else was near enough to hear him.

I kept walking and didn’t stop or look at him. I gave him no satisfaction by reacting visibly. I happened to be stopping in the Starbucks across the street. I saw someone from my building there and explained what happened. We both looked across the street and saw who had done it, so now I know to avoid a guy in a blue Members Only jacket on that stretch of street. It’s a stretch street with no doors on it (unusual) so he probably makes a practice of this.

Someone I know on FB, a woman, said my silence signified shame and that I should have loudly repeated what he said to call him out. (ETA I’m not saying she thought I should be ashamed, but that I was projecting shame by being silent; she believed I should fight back verbally instead. She didn’t mean it’s my fault.) First of all, we can’t control our reactions in this kind of situation. Second, this is very close to my home. Reacting like that wouldn’t have seemed safe to me AT ALL. I’m not going to stop running errands near home on foot alone in broad daylight. I was proud of my non-reaction.

Also, I was ashamed. Angry and creeped out and a little scared, but not ashamed. I resent the implication that I was signaling shame. It wasn’t my fault in the least. All I was doing was existing in public as a woman.

Anyway, I believe in talking about this stuff, so I’m sharing this story with people I trust, which includes you all.

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39 replies

Latest reply was from jussie

Jules

Veteran

I’m sorry that happened to you. And the second shaming for not reacting the way someone else thinks you should have is also totally inappropriate.

Anonymous

All the shame is on him. A reaction is what he was going for, and you didn't give him that, so I think your response was perfect.

That kind of behavior is against the law, so I hope you reported the scumbag to the authorities.

Style Fan

Veteran

I am so sorry that happened to you. I agree that the person that thinks your silence is not the way to react is shaming you. You reacted perfectly. His behaviour is shameful and against the law.

Marilyn

Veteran

This happens to me now and again as well. Like you, I just keep walking and do not make eye contact. It does leave me feeling uncomfortable.....but definitely not ashamed. I think by reacting it provides validation to the person who's doing it....validation for WHATEVER it is that person is looking for by doing it. It's a form of bullying really.

Christina F.

Veteran

Thanks all. She wasn’t implying I should feel ashamed or that it’s my fault.
She was saying that my lack of response made it seem like I was ashamed. Which is untrue and I disagree with that notion.

As for reporting yes, but I didn’t get a good look at him so hopes aren’t high for bringing him to justice. I can only hope others in the area who have experience it report him too.

Gigi

Veteran

I'm so sorry that this happened to you, especially so close to your home. That can really make a person feel unsafe. I'm glad you're OK.

Kate

Veteran

Your reaction was perfect. I just wish we lived in a world where this doesn’t keep happening all the damn time.

Anonymous

Yikes! I would definitely suggest some sort of self defense training, just in case! I've done both, tried to ignore harassers, and called them out. The second was effective-and I know I can back up any thing I say with action if need be.
But it is not your fault. Period. Full stop. Though it feels embarrassing, it is him that is shameful.
If it makes you feel better, confront him with your husband or a friend with you if you see him again. And let the police know. Chances are he makes this a habit.

Anonymous

I too am sorry this happened to you . I don't believe that anyone is entitled to tell us how to react in a situation like that. We all carry a ton of baggage with us that informs our decisions and reactions .

rachylou

Veteran

Scary. I agree with not reacting.

From RachyLou’s Book of Rules: When you’re alone, I think it’s a bad idea to engage unless you think you can win a physical fight, unless you are ready to be the one to lay down the law. Because a person like that in a city like NYC isn’t just a chauvinist, they’re insane. I also think it’s important not to shrink in on yourself and walk faster... because there’s no ‘walk faster’, you can either walk normal or you to need to RUN.

Runcarla

Veteran

It seems that everyone has 20/20 hindsight on these types of insulting situations, and feel free, as your Facebook acquaintance did, to provide comment. Most often we are too shocked at the effrontery of the perpetrator to respond appropriately in the moment. When this happens to me, I sometimes wonder at the mental stability of the person making the utterance, and believe that ignoring the comment is the best defence.

If this ever occurs again, especially the same individual, and you can recognize his clothing (if nothing else) do consider reporting him to the authorities/police. The individual may be a harmless nut, or have more sinister intent, but an incident like this warrants investigation.

Please know, YOU did nothing wrong - either provocation or reaction. Take care of yourself, Christina.

Diana

Veteran

Ugh I’m so sorry this happened to you! I think not reacting is the best reaction in situations like these. although I have made a scene in the past when this had happened, my older, wiser self now thinks that’s not really a smart thing to do. I think it’s important to trust your gut in this kind of situation, you know? If someone is signaling danger or instability etc (vs just obvious dumb guy bravado, if you know what i mean) it’s best to just walk away quickly and not engage, especially if you’re physically at a disadvantage as Rachy says. This guy sounds really creepy and scary, so I think you absolutely did the right thing.

JAileen

Veteran

Oh I’m so sorry. My gut instinct would be to laugh, but not engaging is always a smart choice.

bridgie

Veteran

Christina, I am so sorry that happened to you. You did the right thing!

Christina F.

Veteran

Thanks everyone. I know I did the right thing, but it’s nice to hear that others think so. I also don’t blame myself or feel shame in the least!

My FB friend later said that she thought the yelling at the guy would ensure that he didn’t bother me again. I am not convinced of that. It’s a fair bet that this person is mentally unstable. He could see me again and follow me to my doorstep. This wasn’t the usual macho posturing that we’re all used to. It came across as being much, much creepier.

Anyway, I let the conversation drop after she said that, as I’d already told her that responding didn’t feel safe to me. Any response would just consist of me reiterating that, and anyway I don’t believe social media is the right medium for convincing people of stuff. I’m very angry with her right now but she’s not someone I see in the normal course of life, so I don’t have to engage with her right now if I don’t want to.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I've got to say, my mind may be changing on this as I watch my son grow and learn to deal with small slights he gets as a large black man. My mindset was that he should always call them out, to make others aware of them. But seeing how people laugh off microaggressions and looking at how much energy it would cost him to do that, I don't blame him for ignoring them, and I am amazed at his ability to let them slide off him like water off a duck's back. I'm so impressed and proud!

Just for laughs, here's my best story of responding to a street comment, from when I was in Dar es Salaam. I stayed in an area that white people are usually advised not to enter, so was kinda a celebrity, just for being white. I always felt that, if something happened to me, it'd be easy to figure out, because everyone would know where the white girl had gone. People frequently called out "mazungo" (white person--comes from the word for corn silk, because it's like a white person's straight hair) at me. It's a very multi-ethnic city, and has been for centuries. It's entirely normal there to refer to people by their ethnic group, but I was sick of people hollering it at me in the street, so one day as I walked through a somewhat crowded area and a guy I was about to pass said it, I looked him dead in the eye and called out "Swahili!" So many people laughed--way more than I had realized were watching, some of them half a block away. And it turned out that what I thought about me being a general topic of conversation must've been true, because no one yelled that after me again.

Not that I'd suggest calling out people's ethnicity in NYC.

Joyce B

Veteran

Christina, sorry about that sicko. Maybe calling your police precinct to let them know could lead to a little more police presence in your area and maybe they have other suggestions. You will probably never see him again, but just in case he hangs out in the area.
I know you were not wearing your headphones but please from now on do not wear headphones or walk while looking at your phone because those things can make people easier targets although not the only targets of course.
And I am not saying it was your fault, of course it was not, it was the lousy creep’s fault.
I would not have said anything to the guy, as you did, if nobody else was around. I would just have looked for where to go to get out of the situation and had my arms and my balance ready in case of need.
Stay safe, Christina.

@FashIntern, that was a good story. Your boy is smart in how he deals with stupid people who cannot tell from looking at a person and resort to ethnicity to make judgments.

RobinF

Veteran

What a scary situation. I think you handled it as many of us would and have been taught all our lives, he was trying to get a reaction so we don't give him a reaction. Beside, it does seem like the safest option and that is the most important thing. Facebook is a horrible place as far as opinions, people are way too free with them in a way that they aren't in person.

Christina F.

Veteran

FYI you all, this took place not far from a police precinct. I reported but not much will happen since I didn’t get a good look at him.

Joyce B, I’ve been safe in NYC for 18 years now, for much of that time in a less age neighborhood than my current one. Don’t usually have a problem with my headphones in the middle of the day. I wouldn’t wear them at night if I were alone. This was on a Saturday morning. It’s the first time in nine years in this area that I felt unsafe.

Gaylene

Veteran

Hmm, I suspect not even your “friend” could know for certain how she would react when faced with the situation you’ve described. The fact that you were proud of how you resolved the situation until you read her comment is telling.

I’ve always used Rachylou’s Book of Rules in these situations: confront when I’m in a position to lay down the law, ignore when I am able to proceed without being constrained or deflected, and run like hell when I’m sensing something unpleasant or dangerous could happen. We need to learn to trust our own instincts when faced with risky situations instead of being influenced by others’ agendas and judgements.

Christina F.

Veteran

Oh, Gaylene. I’m still proud of how I reacted and wouldn’t do it differently in the future. I think my “friend” wasn’t fully understanding that this wasn’t the usual harassment. I’m angry that she seems fit to criticize me when she doesn’t know how she’d react in that situation - I believe you’re correct about that. This wasn’t some guy hollering at me to show off. It’s not my job to make her understand and the exchange was upsetting me further, so I let it drop. Context for my reaction - I hate being scolded publicly.

Jane

Veteran

Hideous and ugly and I feel for you. I think you reacted perfectly. I applaud you for talking it through here too and I hope it helps to ease the pain and discomfort. Sending you a big hug.

Gail

Veteran

Ugh and shame on the creepy guy.
You reacted exactly as I would have done. I try not to worry about my daughter, who lives in Brooklyn walking home at night, but it's hard

taylor

Veteran

I always say ... no reaction IS a reaction... no need to confront a stranger on the street spewing vulgar garbage as women walk by .
That doesn’t mean you are a victim, or ashamed . It does mean that you pick your battles and remain safe .
I have experienced this as well, as most women have at some point . It happens less now that I am almost always with my husband , but it can be frightening and makes women feel vulnerable .
I had a VERY scary situation happen to me recently that could have gone very badly for me . I am feeling very lucky and have warned every women I know to ALWAYS lock your car doors , even though my husband ran into a store for a minute as I waited for him ....bad actors are watching and waiting .

Becky

Veteran

I'm sorry you've experienced this, Christina. I took at women's self-defense course with my daughters last summer, and the instructor said something that has stuck with me: However you react/reacted in a situation (e.g., fight or flight) is/was the right thing for you, at that time, in that situation. No one else can decide what the right thing to do is/would have been. It sounds like you handled yourself well.

Echo

Veteran

Ugh, the man had no right to say what he did and your friend had no right to judge your reaction. I would hope my reaction in such a situation would be the same as yours, and I agree that causing a confrontation could be unsafe.

No one deserves to be treated this way, and I am ashamed of a society where this sort of thing is still so prevalent.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Christina, hugs!! That is creepy and obnoxious and just plain gross and it really stains a person's day. YOU DEALT WITH IT BRILLIANTLY.

There is no one "right" response to these situations. Honestly, I think it's best to trust our intuitions in the moment. Sometimes our intuition is going to say, Lay LOW. Other times our intuitions might say: Call it out loud!

Either way might be right but no one who is not there can judge.

And it just makes me furious that we are still continually dealing with this in 2019!!!

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I'm sorry to hear you've got such expertise in dealing with these guys. That speaks of way more of this than anyone should have to put up with--and no one should have to put up with any of it! It was smart of you not to show him where you live either.

I understand why you said it's unlikely he'll be caught, but if enough others report him, maybe he will be. They just caught a guy who was flashing at teen girls in our old neighborhood.

Joyce B, thanks for your comment re my son.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I have been through this enough times in my life that I understand the unease and anger. I wouldn't presume to tell anyone else how to react in that situation -- we all have to deal with these things in the way that works best for us. Some women are more confrontational, but I think that's not necessarily the best way to react for most of us. I believe in trusting your instincts -- you did the right thing.

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