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Sorta off topic: Casting a cloud

Elly

Veteran

Have you ever had a person or event sully an entire portion of memories from a time period of your life or the thoughts you have associated with an object? If so, how did you deal?

My example: Prior to moving to where I currently lived I was engaged and living with a young man (together for three years). When I moved back to my hometown after the relationship dissolved, I moved into a mostly furnished household where there wasn't room for my things. I have an entire apartment worth of linens, household items, and some hot-weather clothing in storage. I recently pulled out some of it because I may be moving soon and should get some use out of the clothing in the summer. Unfortunately, when I see my belongings, they don't remind me of all the good times spent with friends or excitement over new beginnings. It seems as if my exs actions toward the end of our relationship has cast a dark cloud over my memories associated with these objects and with clothes that I wore frequently or to events with him. I left them around the house for nearly a month now, and I still can't get rid of the "yuck." Obviously I couldn't just trash it all since it wouldn't make sense having to replace it ----- but I am tempted.

General

26 replies

Latest reply was from ironkurtin

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Sorry about the relationship ending, sounds like it was a rough time. Maybe now would be a great time to do a purge...perhaps you don't really need all of those extra clothes & stuff if they don't make you happy anymore. Don't let your belongings weigh you down. I would cull as much as you can, and then make a fresh start. Whatever you decide to keep is part of your new life now...they are objects that belong to you not to your ex, and hopefully you can start to create new positive memories in your clothes to erase the bad associations. If you absolutely can't, then get rid of them...who needs bad energy hanging around! Good luck and hugs!

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Elly,
same as we aim to live the saying "life is too short not to wear an item of clothing that does not deserve a 10", you should not live a life surrounded with things that don't make you happy.

Those are JUST things anyway. Stuff. Replaceable. I'm not pragmatic when it comes to many things in life and always weigh pros and cons a lot even a bit too long, but in this case I'd recommend in an instant to get rid of everything you can afford that does not make you happy. Replace sad items for happy ones, simple as that.

I cannot recommend highly enough the book called "Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui" by Karen Kingston. It's one of the most useful books I ever come across - ever. Have a look at her blog - some amazing things there that will undoubtedly clear your doubts about holding on to anything.

ButterflyLady

(website)

Veteran

Elly (hugs) I agree with Ornella - even down to the book recommendation. If everytime you wear something it reminds you of bad times, and sad feelings, well ... why would you want to wear it?

Get rid of things that are making you unhappy, that you can afford to replace (or maybe sell them on Ebay, so you could make something towards replacements?) and make space in your life for new and happy times.

adorkable

Veteran

First off: big hugs.

Second - if there's anything he bought you that you would've bought for yourself, see if you can find a way to remove the taint. If you can't, chuck it.

I'm casting another vote for if you can afford to, toss it. Mental health is a valuable (and often pretty limited) commodity, so why keep things around that stretch it thin if you can possibly afford not to?

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Elly, I totally understand! I said goodbye to some pieces that held unhappy memories around the loss of my mother. One was a brand new coat, but the association between that garment and long hours in a hospital ICU was just too strong to ignore.

You may want to give it a little time to see if the negative associations stick, but my sense is that you're ready to move on and make a fresh start. Let go of things that bring back painful memories. Hugs to you!

Isabel

Veteran

I complete agree with Ornella !! It does make sense to "trash" it because it is your emotional well-being at stake. There are periods of my life that I look back and, like you, there is nothing happy or redemptive about it. You are also a different person from those days of abuse. You have moved on " your linens should too ! You don't need to re-live that just not to be wasteful. We are very lucky people, we have the choice to get rid of this stuff and still not do without.....take the opportunity Elly !.

Hang in there !

Kim

Veteran

Hugs to you from me too.

Although I can agree with the above posters I can see practically (being a very frugal person) why you wouldn't want to throw away an apartment full of perfectly good things and clothing.

I think two things need to happen here if you want to keep these things and disengage your feelings from them. First and foremost is forgiveness. You need to forgive your ex to move on with your own life. If you are feeling badly about these things that indicates to me that you have more work to do in that department. Once you have fully forgiven a person (and no they don't need to deserve it or want it in order for YOU to forgive the situtation) they no longer draw any emotional response from you and you are truly free!

Next I'd take the things that I formerly loved and start wearing them out to exciting NEW events and places. Create some new memories to help move the old ones further into the past. They still seem fresh to you because you simply haven't seen them since past events so they need new life added to them to help move you along too.

Tessera

I'm going to assume that you are strongly motivated to keep your possessions so as to avoid having to replace them. Here's the good news - negative associations are like a bad smell - they will gradually dissipate as time passes and the items are used in your new context. Example - after the breakup of my first marriage, I had a fair amount of stuff I couldn't afford to replace for no good reason, like perfectly usable bath towels. Yes, they had associated memories of loss and pain, but I still needed them. Flash forward 18 years - I just got rid of those ragged old towels. They were with me through the purchase of two more homes, first by myself, then with my new, better husband. They have dried off my husband, and my babies and, eventually, my muddy-footed dogs. They've gone camping, cradled sick cats, and wiped up a myriad of messes. We have had a long relationship, my towels and I, and those are the memories that remain. Do what you need to do, but remember that this too shall pass.

Queen Mum

Veteran

You know, as much as I understand the negative feelings you're associating with this stuff, I can't help but think of a phrase a friend of mine always uses... and I know I'm going to mess it up, but something about "letting someone else take up residence rent-free in our minds/feelings.
The relationship is over, but you have gone on with your life and deserve to enjoy your possessions in freedom.
I'm going to suggest that rather than spend a ton of money on a whole new wardrobe, think about spending that money on seeing a therapist to help you work through these feelings.

I realize it might seem like an odd suggestion to make to someone I've never met, but it was the first thing that popped into my head when I was reading your post and so I thought I'd just throw it out there.

adorkable

Veteran

Going with what Kim says - forgive him, and also forgive yourself for anything you feel like you did wrong! (That, for me, is always the hardest part.)

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

What about planning a few fun evenings with friends wearing some of those outfits - to replace or push out those bad memories with new, fun ones? I wonder if that would work at all???

Or posting a couple of outfits and letting us help you remix them?

I'd hate for you to have to toss everything.

mrseccentric

(website)

Veteran

ah, Elly, i can empathize. i also understand why you wouldn't want to throw them out - it can be expensive to replace all those things, and it feels wrong to let another person have that big of an effect on your life and belongings. but still, the emotional 'taint' is there.

this will sound basically nuts. but, here goes! a good washing with soap and baking soda can help. ideas up thread about creating fun new memories can make a difference. many people find that smudging with white sage helps clear out emotional ickiness. a day or so in clear, strong sunlight is known to have the same effect.

good luck! steph

Elly

Veteran

Thank you ladies. I think writing early in the morning when I can't sleep has lead me to articulating myself poorly.

With me, I am no longer angry or hurt at or with him. Knowing what I know now, I have no desire to have contact with him and hope he treats others in the future differently, but otherwise no longer resent him.

I do think I still do hold a little resentment directed at myself for not standing up for me in these situations where I was being treated poorly. I have been working on it and i think I am finally at the point where I am ready to start with the " you live, you learn" process and let go and forgive myself.

Still, these things aren't happy objects for me-- I can laugh and joke when I look at my stock pot that looks funny but is still functional after he used a blow torch on it, but I still feel blah about a bedset that is perfectly functional and even attractive but is not my style or colors (same with clothes-- things that aren't the style or color or fit I really like but spent good money on because of someone else and then didn't enjoy).

I think part of it is because the objects are all associated for me with an overall unhappy time in my life and don't represent happy memories from that unhappy time, so just feel like unhappy objects.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I think it would be wise to let go of the compromise items which are not to your taste, you are building a new life for you Elly 'good riddance to bad rubbish' IMO.

Patty

Veteran

Elly--get rid of stuff others can use in good health but save some of the unhappy things for the fireing range and fill 'em full of holes! Or maybe use a 3 wood!

Elly

Veteran

I just wanted to thank everyone again that wrote to me and give a short update.

I feel a little embarrassed that I posted this here, but the community has been so great. I think it is just another of the things that have been cluttering up my life in the last few years and bringing down my spirits and my confidence (which I posted about recently) which has in turn impacted my dressing--- another thing I am ready to move on from and the responses to this thread have really let me contemplate what was going on and prepared me to make those moves.

Steph-- I missed replying to part of your comment last time, but I am definitely going to give my hand a try at purification. I met an amazing woman this weekend at work (on my invitation to a meeting at the place I hope will get the funding to hire me) who very generously gave me a lesson on sage.

I tried on the clothing and realized that most of it is just awful-- after holding on to it for two years it can definitely go and some sister-wife somewhere should be very happy (lol). I never stopped wearing the good stuff with the exception of one skirt. I definitely think I can afford to get rid of these things, since they all give me the ebie-jeebies.

I went back through things thinking about what everyone said and made some decisions. Luckily I don't have much furniture from that time period, mostly just a stocked kitchen and linens. I also got a phone call from a family member who recently sent her kid to college--- with his bed linens. I just kind of blurted out that I had a set she could have. One set of the sheets are a bit worn and she will have to replace them, but otherwise she was so happy. That made me feel good. I think I am going to let my mother keep the other set, since she has been graciously storing them for me--- I realized that there is a stain on the comforter, so she or I will have to replace it since they are going to go in her guest bedroom (which was previously a children's bedroom). Of course, that means I still will see the rest of the set maybe once a month when I come stay over for the weekend to dogsit for them but with a new comforter and new surroundings the set will seem much friendlier. I guess it isn't so much about avoiding the things or hating them as not wanting to start a fresh segment of my life with anything but positivity. I found a comforter that had never been used since it needs a duvet-- which would significantly defray the cost of starting fresh with something that will make me feel at home when I make my move. I also decided to keep most of the kitchen things except my dishes which are badly chipped-- I did a little research and found out I could replace them for 50 dollars. Either way, I am feeling much better about things.

Thank you all for listening!

Vani

Veteran

Looks like you are moving forward with renewed resolve, strength and purpose. Very glad for you Elly. I don't really have much to add to what has been mentioned, so I wish you the very best!

Carole

Veteran

I completely relate to what you have expressed. For me it was a very long period in my life, pictures from this time bring back a flood of the very unhappy feelings and memories of this time. Pictures I can't part with because they are of my children and family. If sad unhappy memories were triggered by "things", I would donate or discard and have a fresh start. Time does heal our wounds and the sting will be less as time goes on, but help yourself where you can. Thinking of you!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Elly, there are some excellent suggestions here. I am split between wanting to suggest that you donate the whole lot, or that you keep the stuff, wear it again, and perhaps new memories will eventually replace the old. The suggestion that you talk to a professional to help work through your negative feelings is a good one. That's often very helpful.

Big hugs, sweetie. Time heals most anything.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Elly, I just read through all the comments and your update, and I think you are on the right track. Getting rid of the stuff that makes you feel the worst will help, I think. It's tough keeping stuff around that you never liked/wanted in the first place, even without bad memories to go with them. I hope this process will open up space to bring in new things, new memories, and new joys. Big hugs - and don't feel embarrassed about posting stuff here. We all need to vent.

catgirl

Veteran

Elly, I'm sorry it took me so long to reply, and in the meantime you've received the infinite wisdom of the ladies here. Amazing to read this thread and it sounds like you've already reached some conclusions.

I've been mulling this all day. I have kept lots of mementos of tough times in my life, but they are things like cards, journals, books, or other items that can be stored away. They now help remind me that I'm no longer in the dark places I was. I never had that association with clothing or items that felt wasteful going unused, but if I did, I would probably pack them away and revisit it later to see if they could go. Clothes and household goods (unlike letters or cards) are meant to be out and about in use, as I am slowly learning. If they give you bad vibes or are no longer pleasant to wear, let them go. Or sell them and buy yourself something new and shiny to bring a positive light to the whole thing.

Hugs...

Elly

Veteran

Thanks ladies--- I really do appreciate all the great advice and warm thoughts. I am feeling pretty good about giving the bed linens away and having them loved and appreciated will help. I just can't seem to shake the feelings associated with them, which definitely isn't helping me get over the "what was I thinking" feelings. I appreciate all the hugs!

mrseccentric

(website)

Veteran

holy smokes, Elly - if you'd have said they were bed linens i would have said 'lose them this instant!!!!'

clothes are one thing, bed linens from a relationship....... i was thinking towels or something!! at any rate, i'm glad you made a sensible decision you feel good about. Have fun in your new, clean place with fun memories!!! and it is very thoughtful of you to check in and provide such thoughtful responses to everyone - it's a pretty common conundrum. steph

nancylee

Veteran

I think you should give yourself permission to rid yourself of these "bad memory" belongings. You might be surprised how freeing it feels to let go of things.

I had a similar experience with the dress I wore to my dad's funeral. I made the mistake of wearing it to my high school reunion a few months later. It was a lovely grey patterned dress....very elegant and appropriate for both events...but I felt sad at the reunion all night and didn't really put it together until later. I think it was the dress.

I gave it to goodwill and never regretted it.

san

Veteran

I think you are wise to be rid of the things with bad memories associated. In my experience the memory association stays with the object. I have a set of pot holders from an ex of long ago and everytime I see them I still get his picture in my head. I always think about throwing them away, and infact I think I will right now!!

I'm sorry you went through a bad time with a bad person. I have been through the same.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Hi Elly! Sounds like you're a survivor. I can hear that inner toughness that helped you through the bad times. I think the wisdom on this forum is spot-on, and it basically gives you a choice: keep the stuff and tell the bad associations to bug off, or say good riddance to bad rubbish and leave it behind. Since you're negotiating tat road already, excelsior!