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Son is having school struggles.

Jeanie

Veteran

My son is having a terrible time with school right now. He is a High School Sophomore and has become overwhelmed with the work. He is a bright kid and has 3 Honors classes but just can't seem to get his homework done at home. I have sat with him to try to get him caught up but he still lies and tells me things are done when they are not. He has thrown up the last 2 days and had migraines because he doesn't have all his work done and he is afraid to go face the teachers. I don't think he is going to make it again tomorrow. I have let the school counselor know and she said I needed to try to get him there but he is shaking with fear and anxiety and just shutting down. I am trying to get him into a counselor outside of school but it is going to take a bit of time. He has become so sad. My heart is hurting so much for him. Has anyone dealt with anything like this?

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29 replies

Latest reply was from Jeanie

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I personally had a lot of difficulty making it to school when I was being bullied by some of the mean girls at school. I did well academically, but I wasn't popular (volleyball, basketball or cheerleading, at my school). I fell behind in school work because I was so focused on these people being really mean to me - I went to talk to some of their parents (they were neighbours) and the parents were as racist as the kids (apple doesn't fall far from the tree).

I hope your dear son will be able to get some help - I know that I hid it pretty well from my parents. It's wonderful that you are able to help him. Did the school councillor have any other suggestions as to how to get him to school?

Neel

Veteran

I am so sorry Jeanie ... You and your DS have to go through this. I have no useful advice. Lots of hugs and positive energy coming your way. It's so hard to deal with kids no matter what their age!

Isabel

Veteran

Hi Jeanie, I am so sorry. My son , who is 12, has gone through this. He suffers from severe anxiety. And my daughter, 10, went through it this year. A 30 min. Math assignment turned into 3 hours. It was so traumatic that I cried during homework with her. She cried, I cried, she thre up......you know the deal.

Pls make sure that there is nothing going on the bus or at school.

Now, if there is no one making life hard, he is probably overwhelmed. Honors courses are HARD with a TON of homework. I just read that the American pediatric Association and the national teacher's association recommend about 2.5 hours of homework a night , but honors/AP classes require that for EACH class. And this is causing massive anxiety in kids. It is a societal epidemic. I just read Mindful Parenting which addresses a lot of this.

Now, this is what is working for us ( this is an ongoing situation for us...with a single goal of resiliency ) : We did counseling, my kids also started going on http://www.khanacademy.org This is a fantastastic, online "tutoring" with mini lectures. My daughter would review, pause the video, go back etc. and felt less desperate. There are wonderful mentors and tutors on , all for free. There is A LOT of pressure being in honors. You have always succeeded and now you are so overwhelmed that your whole identity of being "smart" could be false. It is a terrible thought fot these kids.

Try to work something out with the school. Will they give him a break on homework ? Can he see the school counselor first thing in the morning ? Can they give him homework a week before so he can do the lectures on
Khan academy over the weekend and go into school lectures with a basic knowledge already ?

Finally, I changed the language with my daughter. I told her that it was not about being "smart" naturally, but about working at it and sticking with it. You see, I read that children who "self identify" as smart, think it just comes naturally and feel like a fake or losers if they don't get something. It becomes a character issue out of their control. But those who believe in resiliency and feel confident in working it out , feel it is an issue of applying themselves and that they have some control.

It is a terrible situation for him. He can't opt out to another level class because he would feel humiliated, yet he is drowning.

Let him know that you understand and that you and he and the teachers and counselor will brainstorm ways to help him.

Please keep us posted. Good luck!

Glory

Veteran

Jeanie I am so sorry to read this about your dear son. Thankfully he has you supporting him and getting some help. It sounds like he is so overwhelmed and suffering. I hope that you can find someone quickly this morning once you explain his situation perhaps he will move on the urgency list.
Please let us know how things go - I will keep you in my thoughts.

April

Veteran

Hi Jeanie. I'm a school psychologist by profession and can tell you that I heard similar stories very often in my work. I would say the first step is to meet with the school and ask them to look into the question of whether there is anything going on that he might not want to tell you about (bullying, etc.) Then find out if he can substitute an academic-level class for one or two of the honors courses. There is absolutely no point in taking so many honors classes if he's emotionally overwhelmed by the work.

If nothing external is happening like bullying and it's "just" anxiety (not minimizing that by any means, just trying to determine whether it's anxiety alone or if there are also external factors), you want to work with someone who specializes in this area. Often I would see kids who had become school-phobic shuttled to a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis, and many psychiatrists were willing to write a prescription to say that the student had a medical need for homebound instruction. However appealing this may sound when your child is suffering, it is the worst approach for anxiety. Appropriate treatment for anxiety always involves moving at a guided pace toward the thing that makes you anxious, not retreating from it. A skilled therapist knows how to support this process so the client isn't overwhelmed by it, but it will always involve getting used to the thing that unsettles you, not avoiding it.

I highly recommend Tamar Chansky's books for you to read while you're waiting to get into treatment. Freeing Your Child from Anxiety is one that I have given away to many, many parents over the years. Given that your son is older, he might also be able to read along with you her book for adults: Freeing Yourself from Anxiety.

I don't know where you're located, but see if there's a center that specializes in anxiety anywhere near you. Treatment is effective and will be very practical: there will be lessons and strategies to practice. Be very wary if you find yourself with a therapist who only wants your son to talk about how he feels, session after session, without helping him develop skills and strategies. That can help with some emotional issues, but is not very effective for anxiety.

Best of luck to you. You're very smart to get on this the way you are -- there's a lot that can be done with this highly treatable condition.

Eliza

Veteran

So sorry for your son's struggles. It is always hard on the family when this type of thing is going on and everyone wants what is best, yet time is required. You have gotten some wise counsel here. I think it is important to look at all aspects of this opportunity to address things before your son leaves high school and while he has your daily support. Taking a laundry list approach for your consideration and in no way suggesting what may apply here.

As others have said, considering the possibility of social, academic and mental health variables will often lead to the most effective forms of action. If he is distracted from his studies by social concerns, support for that exists. Are you aware of any recent upset or changes in friendships? If the work is overwhelming him, it is not unusual for very capable students to compensate for a subtle learning or attention issue until the work gets quite sophisticated and time consuming. Sometimes, the demands of a particular course load are too much and can be tweaked. You may want to consider educational or neuro-psych testing to see if anything is making the assignments harder for him, as this would lead to a better understanding of strategies for doing his best work. If this is the emergence of an anxiety or mood issue, there are many possibilities to address that, including counseling, behavioral options and sometimes medication. This is a common age for those things to surface for the first time. Your knowledge of your son and input from professionals can help determine what may be relevant.

Your son is lucky to have support at home. As hard as this is, as a parent, I was grateful for dilemmas that emerged while my kids still lived at home so we could walk them through not only the problem, but how one sorts things out. Setting up a more realistic short term plan with the school might help him to tackle things in manageable pieces, while giving him a sense of progress. Teens often lack perspective about tough times and can feel defeated by a big challenge. Lending him your confidence that there is a way through challenges, with hope for moving forward, can be a big gift.

I feel for all of you and wish you the best.

Isabel

Veteran

WOW, isn't YLF great ! There always seem to be an expert lurking here. April is a psychologist ! How incredible.

I do want to just link you to the book that I read :

http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-....._1?s=books

And, I just bought the one that April suggested. ( My son is on the Autism spectrum and has debilitating anxiety some times...but he is sooooo much better. I read anything that I can get my hands on. One of things we do now is what April suggested : we do music therapy and strategies for coping. It works so well for us. )

I LOVE April's suggestion of switching a class. I hope that he does that.

April

Veteran

Let me add another resource: Tamar Chansky and her colleague Lynne Siqueland have a website called worrywisekids.org that has a lot of good information. It's so easy on the internet to find information; less easy to find solid, research-based information.

If you can't find a center in your area, it's worth a call to their practice to ask if they can recommend a professional in your region. They run the Children's Center for OCD and Anxiety in Plymouth Meeting, PA. I have sometimes called them for referrals in other states and they have always been helpful.

LACeleste

Veteran

I am so sorry you and your son are going through this. Sending you support.

Liz A.

Veteran

Bless you for taking this approach and noticing and understanding the struggles your son is going through.

celia

Veteran

It is terrible to see our kids struggling and not being able to fix what is wrong.
I am no psychologist and my DD is younger but the first thought that occurred to me was that something else might be bothering him.
Straight up bullying is easier to identify but sometimes growing up and adjusting our behaviour to the others around us is a process that can be as difficult.
Looking for professional help and keeping the communication open between the two of you seem to be the best thing.

Hugs for both of you.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Jeanie, I feel for you. My daughter is also in crisis right now at school and it is anxiety related. In her case the issues are as much social as academic. I am reading these replies with gratitude. I have no better wisdom to offer but wanted you to know you are not alone. It is so hard when our children are suffering.

rachylou

Veteran

I would check to see if there isn't anything medically wrong. I developed hyperthyroidism in high school. I was tired, couldn't focus, etc., but otherwise seemed all right.

The other thing I might mention, the learning environment at his school may not be best suited to his learning style. That's a tough one, if options are limited, but... I switched schools my sophomore year, from a huge high school to a much smaller one where there was interaction between students and teachers. Even tho I did honors classes, I think I can also say that I personally did poorly with lectures and zero feedback until test time...

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

My heart goes out to your son and my admiration goes out to his mother for being so in his corner. Anxiety can get a stranglehold on him depending on what is causing this. It is important to address it from the beginning before it truly sets in.. Try any and everything that you can think of or that feels right for your child and don't worry about what the school says...This is crisis time for your son and that is what matters most!

I speak with some experience as my now 18 year old son became very sick during his first year of middle school and in fact every time he stood up was feeling dizzy... It turned out to be that his blodd pressure was messed up due to dehydration and it was fixed. However everytime he was in school he was having full blown anxiety and even began exhibiting OCD with overwashing his hands. I quit working and became hypervigilant on talking him through this, catching him in the bathroom washing his hands and all of my hard focus worked wonders and this never set in... He is now a child with nerves of steel and plans to become an eye surgeon... I know we came so close to losing him as he was in a deep downward spiral... All I know is that I trusted my gut and did what it told me....

I don't know if my story as any validity in your current situration but I do know that you fighting this with him is wonderful and I pray you find a solution soon.

Nicole D

Veteran

I can't add any more wisdom than has already been shared but i just want to applaud Jeanie for her courage and openness in sharing (what a loving thing to do for your boy), and others for sharing their expertise and time.
Kinda misting up over how fab this forum is...

Jeanie

Veteran

Hugs to you all. You are all so wise and wonderful. I am so grateful to have you all as a resource. I was able to get him to go to a half day today. I have talked to the school and the teachers and I don't believe there are any social issues going on. He loves school and loves his classes and all his teachers. He scored a near perfect score on the practice ACT. He doesn't seem to struggle with the concepts just the ability to get the homework done when he is home (he associates home with free time) and then getting overwhelmed if he doesn't get it done.

Isabel - I am nodding in agreement with all your wise words. High School seems so intense to me. I really do think he is grappling with the fact that he may not be a "smart" kid. We are supposed to sign up for classes this week and he still wants to sign up for 4 AP or IB classes and he looks so sad when I tell him maybe he should cut back his work load a bit next year. He really enjoys the classes but has such a hard time with the homework because it is just boring to him.

April - Anxiety runs in my family and I am so thankful for your guidance & the book recommendation. I just bought it on Amazon. I have him scheduled to meet with a psychologist that specializes in anxiety. I know she does cognitive behavior therapy and breathing techniques. She advised me to pull together a team teacher meeting at school before our 1st session. I am considering having him tested for ADHD just to rule it out. I am fully on board with what you are saying about moving toward the thing that makes you anxious. My husband suggested e-schooling and I believe this would be the worst thing for him as he is so social and usually comes home from school in a very happy mood.

TraceyLiz - I have been in that downward spiral of anxiety myself and so what you are saying hits home with me. I don't want that level of anxiety to set in with him - I don't want that kind of life for him. I am thankful to hear your story and the wonderful outcome. I am putting my heart into helping him to resolve this challenge.

Rachylou - Thanks. I will make sure to get him checked out medically as well.

Suz- sorry to hear you are in crisis mode as well. Extra hugs to you both.

DonnaF

Veteran

lisJeanie;

Since you said that your son associates home with free time, I'm wondering if he could do his homework in the school or public library or empty classroom or even a coffee house? DD figured out that she would procrastinate at home, or now that she's in college, in her dorm room. Now, she does all her studying in the library and finds it much more efficient.

I think a lot of extremely bright boys struggle with homework; they don't see the point so many don't even bother. After all, they don't *need* the practice. My DD always needed the practice, so maybe that was good?

Anyway, your DS is fortunate that you're trying to get this all sorted out now. College is quite a different ball game, and since it sounds as though your son relishes intellectual challenge, he should thrive there.

SarahTheWhite

Veteran

I am so sorry for how hard this has been for your son. I don't have the experience of having a high schooler, but in case it might be of any help, I thought I would mention that we have found homeopathy to be a huge help for anxiety/emotional issues. There has been a lot of talk of ADD for my 4th grade son, and we have experienced the hours of homework with anxiety and lack of focus, procrastination, etc. the only real help that we have found has been through a homeopathic doctor, and it has worked wonders by providing safe and gentle help without the worry of what drugs might do to his developing system. He may always struggle in school to some degree, and deal with anxiety and negative emotions, but this has made the difference between hard, but doable - and devastatingly impossible. Hard, we can cope with... I know that there are varying schools of thought when it comes to more natural approaches versus medication, and I mean no disrespect to anyone with differing view points. I can only share our own personal experience with something that has made a wonderful difference in our son's life.

Jeanie

Veteran

Nicole D - you are so sweet. I feel comforted by your words. I believe strongly that we (meaning everyone in every country) need to be more open to discussing mental health issues. The school counselor was surprised that I was open to telling the teachers that my son was having anxiety issues. She said most parents don't want the teachers to know. I don't know how to fix the issues without honesty. Perhaps I am being naive about something?

DonnaF - Thank you for your suggestions. I've tried having him work at the library. The problem is the internet is everywhere and he can easily click over to online chess and not get work done. A study group would work but I haven't found one. I told the counselor I would start one if there was a need but she didn't seem excited about the idea.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Can I just say I think this kind of homework load on young kids is ridiculous? My kiddo is almost 10 and I have a deep aversion to her having hours of homework that interfere with sleeping, creative work, piano, chores, family time... Why are we piling all this work on kids? I mean, c'mon, do you remember much of what you learned in high school? I don't, and I actually studied!

-rant over -

SarahTheWhite

Veteran

I am absolutely with you, Ironkurtin!!!

April

Veteran

Jeanie, it sounds like you're well on your way. So glad to hear that there's nothing sinister going on socially since that can be harder to manage than the internal factors.

The homework for kids now *is* pretty ridiculous, especially since robust research findings have shown that with the exception of practicing math skills, homework provides students with negligible academic benefit. The education system, however, changes at a maddeningly slow pace.

Keep us posted about how things go. We're rooting for you and DS.

viva

Veteran

Jeannie,
I've been working at breakneck speed this week and I must have just been meant to open YLF and see your post today.
I took a detour from Denver to DC this morning (on my way home to Boston) because my DD is falling apart at college. First semester: deans list. Second semester: she can't get herself to class. Anxiety runs in my family too. I don't think this is a major crisis that will require her to withdraw, but I do think she is completely overwhelmed and unable to get herself going. Plus, she started a low-dose anti-anxiety med over Christmas and I think it interrupted her energy and motivation to too significant a degree.
I am headed over to campus momentarily, but I am stealing all of the good wishes from YLFers that were sent your way, because I feel a kinship with you right now.
Hope things are turning in a good direction for your son.
Vivian

Jeanie

Veteran

Well DS was scared but after some boosting from mom & dad he went to a full day of school today!! Now just waiting to get into the counselor to see what we can do to keep this from happening again.

Vivian - Hugs to you and your daughter. Glad this thread is helping you. I've had that call from college as well. My older son got overwhelmed and realized he was in the wrong major. He took a quarter off and changed majors. Does you daughter feel she is on the right path? In my experience with anxiety, it can really amp up if you feel like you are not on the right path in life.

STW - Thanks, I do try to keep homeopathic solutions in mind for a first course of action. We try to drink calming teas and do meditation as well.

IK - the amount of homework in these higher level courses is crazy!..and no I don't remember much of what I learned which is obvious when I look at his homework!! One teacher even told me he wouldn't survive in our High School.

April - thanks for checking back. I feel uplifted by all the support here. Just wondering if you think the school psychologist or the school counselor should be the first point of contact if this happens again? We have a school psychologist but I have never had any interaction with her.

April

Veteran

Jeanie, it's not surprising that you've had no contact with the school psychologist, since in almost every school district the psychologist's legally-mandated job is to conduct evaluations to determine two things: a.) whether a student has a disability and b.) whether s/he requires special education services as a result of that disability.

The word psychologist suggests mental health services, but in most places providing those services falls to either the school social worker or guidance counselor. It sounds like you're already in contact with the counselor -- that person will know how your district utilizes its psychologists and whether it makes sense to ask for a consultation. In my experience, high-need, lower-income districts tend to have psychologists who are drowning in evaluations and don't do much else, while more affluent districts have the luxury of lower caseloads and can bring in their psychologists to consult where needed.

Some of this is a matter of who on the school team you feel you can work with collaboratively, who knows your son, and who seems to have a sensible plan for how to proceed. Fingers crossed that you find such a person from the start, because it makes a real difference.

anne

Veteran

Isabel let me get this straight - a student like Jeanies son who is doing 3 of these classes is expected to do 7.5 hours a night homework for those classes in addition to extra work for the other classes they are taking.That's crazy!!!! I am surprised many kids can do that at all, let alone one with anxiety issues.
From an Australian perspective I had often thought your high schools less demanding academically than ours since the demands of sports and extra curricular involvement seemed so important (these last factors do not impact on university entrace in Australia).

When I was doing tertiary entrance study we were recommended to do about 3 hrs a night. I have just been googling australia policies on this and that (plus up to about 6 hours on the weekend around exams) is pretty standard for the last 2 years of high school

I'm with IK on the importance of all those other activities. I'm not sure how much my 10 year old does as it is always done when I get home at 6pm but she manages to do all the other things you said.

anne

Veteran

Jeani - I am glad you are having some resolution with your son. And sorry for the thread hijack above

ironkurtin

Veteran

Is there any way to actively challenge this approach to schooling, I wonder? I just think it's BS. My kid has her entire life to work, and puberty and teen years are hard enough without endless grinding at pointless paperwork.

Jeanie

Veteran

April - thanks for the clarification. I wish I had that one person with a plan but I sense the guidance counselor is a bit frazzled and overworked. I did get a great amount of guidance from his Math teacher at conferences tonight. His guidance was more in line of what I expected from the counselor but anyway I am piecing a plan together from all the experts, such as yourself, that I've talked with. Hugs for your help

Anne- No problem!