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Solo for the Holidays

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

It's that time of year again, and it looks like I will be without a partner (again) over the holidays. I usually don't mind being solo, but somehow it seems a little bit more blue. Maybe it is the message that we get pounded into by mainstream media, that you're supposed to have someone warm to snuggle with, and someone to buy all those shiny engagement rings for ...

It feels worse than Valentines. It is a reminder that not only that you don't have a romantic partner, it is also that you don't have a proper family of your own (not to say I'm not thankful for my parents and sibs!)

Does anyone have any tips for braving this season alone?

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16 replies

Latest reply was from lyn*

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

So for Christmas I'm not upset because my father is coming to stay with me. However I just volunteered for call over New Year's Eve and Day. So instead of moping about about no one to kiss at midnight, I'll just be asleep in bed.

Classically Casual

Veteran

I recommend volunteering for a cause that speaks to you during the holidays. It may not cause you to be less alone, but I can almost guarantee you'll have a different perspective. It really IS better to give than to receive. HUGS!!!

MNsara

Veteran

Aww, lyn, I'd love to have you fly here and join us I adore having people join us on holidays, plus it changes up the usual family dynamics and those often benefit from a change.

But, don't you just want to punch all the advertisers that try their darndest to make it look like everything should be 'perfect' during the holidays. . . Perfect families, perfect relationships, perfect parties,perfect gifts, whatever.

Rant over.

Anyway, if you're looking for something constructive to do, so you don't feel 'imperfect', why not keep your eyes and ears open for anyone else you work with, or are in contact with, that might be spending the holidays alone (or virtually alone) and invite them over. . . it could be a potluck, or bring appetizers, or order anything, but I think most of us have people around us that are having a less than perfect holiday too, but don't let on. It could be fun, should be memorable

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I usually am the resident/med student to work over the holidays, but I sort of resent it, because I am usually asked to do it, because the others are all like, "But you don't have a family!" Actually, I do have a family. A mom. A dad. And my sibs. They just wrinkle up their face and complain about their dying relationship and how they need to spend time over the holidays so could I -please- do this for them. And I'm suckered in every time!

Maybe I should find something to do for others; I'll see what to volunteer for, I guess.

bj1111

Veteran

you should pull the guilt card back on them. my parents are getting frail. i don't have many holidays left (even if your parents are hearty and on this side of 50). i haven't seen my nieces/nephews in (a month, a year, ever). your relationship is already dying, make a clean break. your kids need to learn independence, what will they do when you are gone? you told me you didn't like spending time with your partner and your kids drive you nuts.

pick one and just keep repeating as necessary!

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Thanks, BJ - My dad always says he doesn't have many years left (his father died in his 40's, and my dad is 65 this year) - but he's very healthy and I think he's just gotten used to saying it (he's been saying it since I was 7).

I did apply to get a break this year; so I think it will be nice - My sister has told me about a senior's home down the road from where I live where she used to volunteer. Maybe I will go and play some carols or something :p

Gaylene

Veteran

Can you think of something nice that you can do for yourself as a reward for letting others spend the time with their families. Maybe book yourself into a spa for a few hours, or splurge on a ticket to concert or play?

One of the best Christmases my husband and I had was the first time we faced not having our sons home for Christmas. Instead of having family around, it was just going to be the two of us. We drove up to a ski lodge Christmas Eve, had a wonderful late dinner, spent Christmas day skiing on the uncrowded slopes, and then splurged on a five course meal at the high-end restaurant which we thoroughly enjoyed after all that exercise. The next day we drove home after a leisurely brunch.

I think the key thing is to do something that breaks you out of your routine so you feel invigorated and engaged instead of alone and bored.

Irene

Veteran

Lyn, your a young, gorgeous, intelligent and independent woman. The only way I can understand you being solo is because you have decided to (or male around you are idiots), and that's nothing to feel ashamed or bad about!

I still spend the Holidays with my core family (parents and sis, no grandpas nor cousins, uncles and aunties) but I can relate on New Year's Eve. Last year my family was away (I was joining them the day after) and I was to attend this party after midnight. However, I almost ended up having dinner and doing the Spanish grapes tradition (we have twelve grapes at midnight) on my own and I felt very sad about that. I finally convinced a friend of mine to let me join their family celebration.

I think volunteering might be a good idea. Also, sometimes I feel that the problem is not being on your own rather than not seeing it as a good opportunity for you to focus on things you can't do when others are around.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I'm sorry, Lyn. I've been there, and I know it's not fun. There is a lot of pressure to have some picture-perfect version of the "holiday season" but the truth is it is a lonely time of year for many people.

In Deb's thread I get into the reasons why I'm struggling with the holidays this year. Even though I have a wonderful, caring husband and I wouldn't trade him for anything (and I love his sons and the rest of his family), I am missing *my* family -- as my mom and dad have passed away, and my schedule is ruling out my usual holiday visit to my only sister.

That's probably not very helpful to you, but I guess my point is that we need to reach out to the people we do have in our lives and appreciate them, especially at this time of year when we might be feeling we're lacking something.

Hugs to you!

Astrid

Veteran

I'm solo too. I'm going to spend the holidays with my parents and siblings and that's great, but it's sometimes a bit depressing all the same. And we'll have a get-together with the whole family on Boxing Day and I just know there will be awkward questions. And all my cousins will bring their girlfriends. Same for New Years, I'm going to celebrate with friends, but they are all couples. I guess I'm starting to get used to it, but that's somehow even worse if I think about it. I don't have any special advice, but I want to give you a hug!

ramya

Veteran

Awww Lyn, I so wish you could join me:(...

Mander

(website)

Veteran

I had this same problem for many years. I didn't have a boyfriend and only a handful of first dates between 18 and a few weeks before my 30th birthday, when I met my husband. For me it really reinforced a sense of being flawed and rejected, especially when more distant relatives would tease me about being single. I'd have to say thing like "oh, I just haven't met the right one yet" when what I was really thinking was "I'm a fat ugly reject and nobody is interested". I spent a lot of holidays in a rather dense internal gloom.

Staying in and dwelling on it is only going to make you feel worse, so be sure to do something that reinforces the holiday traditions you like and that have nothing to do with couple-dom. Remind yourself that so much of that is just advertising trying to manipulate your emotions and make you want to buy stuff.

And you could always go to the bar. ;-). I did this with a friend on Christmas afternoon one year and it was actually kind of fun to sit there drinking scotch and listening to all the sad songs on the jukebox. Or the movies -- splurge on the popcorn and watch something funny.

JR

Veteran

Lyn, I'm assuming you will have family things going on. But for the days when you don't, start a tradition of your own. Preferably one that involves reaching out to somebody else. There is no better response to loneliness.

When DH and I were first married, we were far from both our families. The first time we couldn't travel for Christmas, we thought, "Great. A Christmas just for the two of us." We swore we would never do it again. It was just a random big meal. Every year after that, for Christmas Day or New Year's Day dinner, we would invite people who had no family to join us. Even if they were strangers. When we were new in town, and had no acquaintances who were alone, we phoned care homes and asked if they had any residents who had no family to celebrate with that we could invite over.

I now spend a lot of time alone, with my kids grown and DH working in the States. (Yes, I'm applying for my green card.) There are days when it is hard to take, especially when I'm feeling physically low. Last time, I sat on the couch with my crocheting and my phone headset and caught up with my mother and step-mother. And phoned a friend at work to say, "Dinner's in the crockpot. Want to share it?" It sure beat moping, let me tell you.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Great ideas!

I will definitely be talking a lot with my parents and friends and godparents over the holidays; I even upgraded my long-distance cellular plan, so I can talk with some of the ones more far away! It was getting quite expensive (I talk about > 2000 minutes of long distance in a month); and well, a penny saved = penny more for clothes!

My sister had an idea - she asked me to help clean up her closet and wardrobe; and she would provide snacks and food! And I am going to bring over a few big bags of stuff for her to dig through! She's pretty excited; so I think it will be quite fun! Yay!

Anonymous

Do what feels right to you, definitely!

Once in my 20's I was alone at Thanksgiving, so I volunteered at a big Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless. There were so many other volunteers that I spent a couple of hours waiting in bleachers being "entertained" by elementary school choirs. When it was finally my turn, I spooned out three servings of sweet potato casserole, met the mayor, and that was that. The whole experience left me even more grumpy and depressed!

Another time I was alone at Christmas. I got tons of invitation to various people's Christmas dinners. I told everyone I already had plans -- just didn't feel like being the odd duck at somebody else's celebration. I happily stayed home, ate tamales, drank wine, and watched "Viva Las Vegas" with Elvis and Ann-Margret on tv.

Have fun with your sis! : )

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

TAMALES ARE SO GOOD.