Should I have dressed slovenly today? - YouLookFab Forum

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Should I have dressed slovenly today?

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I took DD for an autism review today. I find these appointments quite stressful as you have to dwell on the negative and then reiterate the negative if you wish for DD's difficulties to be taken seriously and for access to services be provided.

However, as I leave the appointment I remember back to her last review when there was another set parents hanging about the waiting room, the mother was in tears and they were dressed in a way which implied 'I have no time to consider my appearance'.

I looked down at my outfit and thought about the words I had spoken 'we (as a family) are exhausted by DD's disruptive nights and inability to self soothe herself back to sleep, we are needing help because this is not sustainable.'

But were my words and outfit at odds? Should I have not brushed my hair and dressed more slovenly to reinforce the point? Would I even be capable of wearing loungewear to an appointment without feeling like a complete fraud? I'm not sure.

Here is WIW, it's the end of the day so a little crumpled now but none the less this is a typical MOTG spring look for me, neither smarter or more casual than the norm but in this instance was it appropriate and was it the right choice?

All opinions welcome and TIA

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Dressing

24 replies

Latest reply was from Tina

Hil

(website)

Veteran

I think you look great and entirely appropriate, especially considering what a stressful situation you're in!

Echo

Veteran

It is absolutely NOT necessary to dress like a mess to get across any point. Indeed, you dressing like you normally do would actually reinforce the fact that you are a well organized, put-together person, and yet your DD's behaviour is beyond what you can handle on your own. IMO, dressing like a mess says, "I cannot handle anything - not even something as simple as putting myself together in the morning."

I have been through all sorts of evals for my DS, so I have been in your shoes. If anything, I found that the smarter I dressed, the more likely the dr.s and therapists were to be straightforward in their information, direct about their suggestions and their opinions on outcome, and the more willing they were to give me concrete steps I could take at home to work on things during the times or days he wasn't in therapy. They didn't fear I would break down if they told me things, and they assumed I would understand clinical terms so they didn't "dumb down" their language. All in all, if anything dressing well was a benefit.

That's not to say that dr.s and therapists do not give equally good service to those dressed in sweats. But we all make assumptions about people based on appearances (whether we admit it or not), and I preferred the assumptions people made when I dressed well.

Jonesy

Veteran

I know exactly what you are saying, about somehow staying true to yourself, while also being able to accurately convey your quiet desperation. I think you have done both here! I'm so sorry about your nightly challenges! Did you find some support?

ironkurtin

Veteran

Surely people make an effort to look nice when making official appointments? I wouldn't worry.

milehighstyle (Linda)

Veteran

First of all, I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through these difficulties. My nephew is autistic and his Mom (my younger sister) had a bad stroke several years ago and my parents are caretakers to them both. I know it is very stressful and hard to get the help and advice you need. That being said, I don't think your outfit is sending the wrong message. You are pulling yourself together in spite of being exhausted and stressed. I think that says a lot about your capabilities and strength, which is important to get across when you want to be taken seriously. Dressing well shows that you respect yourself and expect others to respect you. Great outfit and hoping things get easier for you.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Interesting question. I can remember back when I was struggling with fatigue and weird anxiety symptoms and my doctor at that time always made comments like "you don't look tired" or "you don't seem stressed." I finally found a new doctor and the right diagnosis (hypothyroidism) but it does make you wonder sometimes.

You look great but I actually think people do judge the way we look. The doctor would also probably look for signs of puffy, dark eyes or irritation I'd imagine, so wearing makeup can also mask things.

I guess you have to trust your doctor to know you.

Inge

(website)

I was going to write what Linda wrote, Jules. As you know my sis is in a similar situation, and for appointments she always dresses the way she does day-to-day: polished casual or business casual. I will check with her and ask if she's wondered about this too (it hasn't come up in conversations). I've never heard her say though that she felt advisors and specialists weren't taking her seriously.

I really hope you'll be able to find extra support soon, Jules. Hang in there!

Isabel

Veteran

First, I want to say, you look great !

Second, different people handle things differently. We know nothing about the other people. There are many reasons that they dressed like that. It is not a reflection on you however. Your post reminds me of how in my culture, if you don't wear black when someone dies it must mean that you don't love them.

I think it is great to care about yourself and put yourself together. It probably is one of the few times in the day that you actually think about yourself. It is also good for DD. Sometimes we think that they don't notice things. I think that since you generally and historically take some effort to put yourself together, it would be a worrying sign if you did not.

I know that I felt very guilty with my son whenever I would take him to appointments. I felt the same way as you. That maybe because I wore dark jeans and shoes and a blazer, that I SHOULD be able to handle my son better because I looked pulled together enough to do it. One day I met a woman with two severely autistic older boys whose husband left her because he couldn't take the stress. She was a mess on the outside. But she was such a lovely and strong woman. And very wise.

You are all there to get the help you need. It shouldn't be about where the parent is emotionally ( unless it is emergent ) , it should be about the child. And a good professional, will know this.

Good Luck .....it is a tough road.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Ohhh ((HUGS))). It's so hard.

I think you did the 100% right thing and look perfectly appropriate. We are thinking of you, Jules. Hope that you find solutions for peaceful sleeping soon. xo

Gaylene

Veteran

I think your outfit was totally appropriate for all the reasons that Echo mentioned. I can only think that, from a professional perspective, working WITH a parent to help a special-needs child is preferable to coping with an out-of-control parent.

Your ability to clearly articulate what is happening is probably the best thing you can do to help your daughter access the resources she needs.

rachylou

Veteran

Well, I wouldn't worry. But I think I'd wear what you wore, slightly crumpled and no makeup. Present as an upstanding, but tired member of society. Because, yes, frankly it helps to show that you need help. Squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Scarlet

Veteran

Honestly, I think you look perfect for the appointment. I really get what you are saying, but I really think you are just right. Big hug, Jules. I can imagine how tough it is to have to emphasize the negative. It's like you can't make progress if you want to keep getting the help that brings progress.

Debbie

Veteran

You definitely did the right thing. You are tired. Your daughter and your family are your first priority. That being said you have to take of you so you can take care of her. Pulling yourself together for the outside world is part of that. If you look like you can handle what is being thrown at you. When you say you need help you will be taken more seriously. If you always look like you can't handle it then who knows if you can or not.

Have they offered any solutions to her sleeping problems.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Julie, what you say here is so poignant: I find these appointments quite stressful as you have to dwell on the negative and then reiterate the negative if you wish for DD's difficulties to be taken seriously and for access to services be provided.

You just articulated something that I'd felt but never really understood. When you live with child who has special needs, your biggest job as a parent is to support and celebrate her strengths and you work so hard to find the good and to make sure that others see the good, as well. And then, at these appointments, you have to do a complete about-face and report on all the stresses -- which are very real, of course. But if you're doing a great job with task #1, it's hard to flip the switch to task #2, and it's hard to believe that anyone will take you seriously. People want the simple story, the all or nothing story-- when parenting these children is really both. Incredibly stressful and incredibly rewarding.

Well, for what it is worth, I think you did right with your outfit. Looking and feeling like yourself is important. You are a strong, beautiful, and capable woman who is comfortable with herself and who cares. That is what your outfit says.

DonnaF

Veteran

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your outfit looks 100% appropriate and perfect. If it were fussy and fiddly with sky high heels, chandelier earrings, and other fragile stuff with high maintenance hair and three shades of eye shadow, then I might wonder. . . .

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Julie - I can't really add much to what has already been said. Personally, I think it is good to present yourself as you would in any other situation. I'm sure dressing well for these appointments helps in some small way to give you strength and confidence for difficult discussions. You are capable, strong and articulate - there's nothing wrong with looking that way.

FWIW I think you are an amazing woman with a huge heart and an emotional intelligence that is off the charts. I wish you all the best with getting your daughter (and your family) the support it needs. And I think you look FABULOUS!

Raisin

Veteran

I think you looked entirely appropriate. Gosh, it's awful that you have to stress the negatives so much just to get proper care. Hope it went well!

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I hope you do not mind, I'm going to come back to this post in detail tomorrow. I am feeling quite drained and emotional right now and really need to hit the hay.

I do appreciate everyone of your supportive words and I'm only sorry that many parents and carers have to endure the same frustration.

BroadEarthQueen

(website)

I think your outfit is fine. *hugs* I can't really add further without repeating almost everything that was already said but you want them to take you seriously. So looking pulled together can only help you. What you're going through is tough, but from the sound of things you are very strong and capable. You just need a little help. My cousin, C, is Autistic. And I know my Aunt and Uncle would feel so lost at times without Miss J.

And my aunt is a -very- put together lady. So don't stress, just be you. *hug* ^_______^

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I cannot thank you enough for your advice and good wishes. DD is waking about five time a night and needs settled back to sleep, this phase has been ongoing since November and we are tired.

An Occupational Therapist will be visiting the house in a couple of weeks to share ideas but I am hoping to get on the waiting list to see the specially trained sleep councillor. We have been offered medcation but have refused on the basis we believe this to be a behavoural problem rather than of a medical nature.

Because DD's problems are mild I do think her issues are treated as a lower priority and fear her sleep issues will not be properly addressed until we are screaming for restbite (a long way off). Hence my concern about my outfit.

Honestly my heart goes out to anyone else battling a system which has to prioritise it resources.

catgirl

Veteran

Chiming in with hugs and to reassure you that looking presentable is always appropriate.

I work with the elderly and disabled, and I find it so unfortunate that to get help from any system you have to play up your weaknesses, when in every other situation you'd be focusing on your strengths. For example, to be qualified for Social Security disability you have to be unable to work in any capacity. Well, what if you can and want to do SOME work but can't make enough to survive? It's very extreme because as you said resources are limited and there is a real triage mentality to deciding who gets what.

You are an amazing woman and mother.

Isabel

Veteran

RJ, I just want to say , for what it is worth, I think you are making a good move regarding the medication. My son is 11 and thankfully, we have made it thus far without it. He is considered mild too. He has had such a hard time with self soothing and nighttime. Though, now, it has become almost a non issue, except other stressful times for him. It took as a while to find something that he could do that worked for him. Eventually, he started breathing deeply and slowly in situations like that. Good luck with the counselor !

I have such great hope of DD, because of the great mother ( and father ) she has.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Julie, that is so incredibly hard. It's very tough on the family when no one is getting enough sleep.

We tried melatonin for a while for this. It did at least help DD get to sleep. She continued to wake frequently. I co-slept with her for several years until the problem began to settle a bit. She still woke (and so did I) but she soothed back to sleep more quickly this way.

Tina

Veteran

I know exactly what you are talking about. I went through this just about 6 weeks ago, not with doctors, with a representative of a government agency responsible for funding. I went through 3 hours of expounding on the negative while trying at the same time to show how bright and capable our daughter is. Hers is more a physical issue and, like I told my husband later, we are coping too well. It was very obvious to me that appearances really bias them in a certain direction. Not just appearances but the overall impression of how the home is run and how capable the parents are. Having said that, I still think you did the right thing. As was mentioned above, you will get more complete information if it looks like you can handle it.
I hope you get the help you need. It seems to me they make it so difficult that some people will simply give up and either pay for help themselves or simply go without.