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Shopping frustrations/body frustrations

quietloud

I’m in a very frustrated place at the moment, where I feel like I can’t find any clothes that fit me right. I am really trying hard to keep a positive mindset about my body (the blog post from July 5th was timely!), but I’ll admit that it is hard sometimes. There is not a wide selection of stores where I live, so I have to do most of my shopping online (not my favorite thing to begin with, traipsing back and forth to the post office with packages feels like such a hassle). I really try to do my homework re. measurements and sizing, and yet 95% of what I order just doesn’t work. I thought I understood my body shape well enough to know the type of cuts that work for me, but maybe I don’t? Or maybe my body has changed and I haven’t noticed? I do prefer a relaxed tailored fit, which I know is not the most practical thing to achieve with my petite pear/hourglass shape, but still. It’s just so hard to avoid feeling like my body is all wrong sometimes.

I just did a round of orders from Cos, Arket and H&M, where the only thing that fit me well was this t-shirt with cut-out details (Arket), which I got in an XS. I got these wide leg linen pants from Cos in both 38 and 40, the 38 fit well across the butt and waist (magically, as that rarely happens!), but were huge everywhere else (front crotch, legs, etc). The basic t-shirt that I got in an XS was too small in the shoulders, though I did love the thick fabric and might order a size up. The beige linen pants from H&M in size 40 were so small I didn’t even get them across my butt! I am undecided about the linen shirts from Arket (both in size 34). They fit well enough, but there are a few minor issues that combined makes me question if it’s worth it. I would need to take a few inches off the length, and add an extra button/buttonhole at the top, which are both relatively easy fixes. However, the vents at the sleeves are so short that I can’t comfortably roll the sleeves as much as I prefer. This is more complicated, and in addition to the two other things I just don’t think I can be bothered. I’m trying to only keep pieces that are a hell yes and that I immediately want to wear, and those are not it.

I’m not even sure what the problem is, I think I just need to vent! I’ve had very few successful purchases this season, and was excited about adding a few new linen pieces (linen is everywhere at the moment, and yet I don’t like most pieces that I’ve seen), so was disappointed that almost nothing worked out. Do you ever find yourself feeling like this, like nothing you try on is ever quite right? Do you have any magic tips on getting the right sizes when ordering online?

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Shopping

24 replies

Latest reply was from Bijou

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I sympathize with the frustration. But it's not you. It's the clothes! Truly!

As someone with a similar body type, who also lives outside the US (where -- at least until recently, petite options were greater) and who also relies a lot on online purchasing (and returns, sigh) -- I get it! It can be annoying to have one's hopes raised, only to be dashed again and again.

I don't have any absolute solutions. But I can tell you that one trick that has helped is one that I know several other Fabbers have also adopted. About a decade ago, when I started building a wardrobe from scratch and realized I was going to have to do most of my shopping online, I aimed for at least one or two "big city" trips per year -- not to shop, exactly, if by shop you mean buy. More to try on, try on, try on items at almost every retailer whose aesthetic might conceivably appeal to me and whose price points were within my range -- even if they did not have items I especially wanted or needed at the moment, and even if they did not have what I considered my size in stock. (Of course, I often got lucky and came away with a piece or two that worked. Or more!)

Why all these try ons? Research. From this, I learned which brands used fit models that came closest to working on me without a lot of alterations (other than lengths in pants and sleeves). I learned which brands would probably be a really difficult fit for me, regardless. I started to confine my online shopping to those places that showed the best chance of working on me.

I also found a decent, inexpensive seamstress for small alterations. If I sewed, I'd do it myself, but I don't.

I tend to rely on my "tried and true" retailers -- until they start disappointing me, at which time I start branching out. I look at forum members with similar proportions to see where they found items I like. I look at the garment measurements, where available, and re-take my own. I read the reviews for how people with my shape say the items fit (of course you have to read a lot between the lines...). I hope. Cross fingers. Gnash my teeth. And, inevitably, I make a lot of returns.

This kind of shopping also demands a lot of patience. A few years ago, I was on a hunt for updated denim. I don't know how many jeans I tried. None of them worked. I did find a "stopgap" pair just to wear (jeans are an essential for me). But it wasn't until this spring that I truly updated my denim capsule. I did sometimes wonder what the heck was wrong with me that I couldn't find a fit. And then, miraculously, this season, almost every jean I tried on did fit. It's all in the style, cut, fit model. And sometimes you just have to wait until styles that work for you begin trending again.

Right now, oversize fits are more popular than body con or even loosely tailored -- as you have discovered. It can be difficult to find items that are more tailored yet are not classics in the un-modern, dull sense. Especially more casual pieces, I suspect.

Oversize can be difficult for petites -- it can overwhelm us if we don't get the details right. However, it is possible to get them right, in which case oversize looks fabulous. Irina is a petite forum member who does this brilliantly.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

quietloud, let me begin by saying that the tee in #1 is KILLER cute for Summer, and a good fit! You've tucked the fluid silhouette into bottoms perfectly and it looks fabulous!

I'd like to have seen the black pants on! Wide pants are trending and maybe those were dead right.

Glad you left the other items. Smaller alterations are SO WORTH it, but the ones you are describing sound a but complex. NEXT!

As far as ordering online and hoping things fit - it's a crapshoot for everyone. Trust me. I fit clothes onto all sorts of bodies for a living. Fit challenges are universal. Especially with new styles, proportions, and looks. You can have the same experience in stores though. The fit frustrations are the same in the dressing room. There are winners and losers, and YES - I know it can all be very annoying

You might find this post useful:

https://youlookfab.com/2020/08.....e-shopper/

And THANK YOU for keeping a positive mindset about your body! Your body is right. The clothes need to buck up and fit your body.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Just read Suz's excellent guidance and am nodding along!

I'll add that the current silhouette trends can make things very confusing. Lots more volume, and shorter lengths can upset the apple cart! You need to assess WHERE you want to keep the structure in your outfit, and where you are fine to lose it. This is where your PERSONAL figure flattering priorities come into play.

Irina

Veteran

Love, love your Arket t-shirt. The issue with inconsistent sizing is maddening for me, too. I love many pieces from Arket yet I never order as I find the description of a fit on their site is really short and unhelpful. I shop COS in person and try to judge H&M on customer reviews and most importantly, the size and height of a model. Still, so many returns.

LJP

Veteran

I feel seen . I don’t have the same body type but do experience those thoughts you describe . Suz’s idea of a big-city reconnaissance is great for those who travel , or have business / family in another city but it’s meaningless to me now . Once upon a time most of my wardrobe came from stores in Toronto . Now ? Lol.

The only think I know is that when the trying on / hating everything and order/ returning frustration sets in , I stop . If I push on, nothing good comes of it .

I do love that Arket tshirt - a perfect summer piece .

Kate

Veteran

I can certainly commiserate. I think we've all been there.

Suz's suggestions are spot-on. While I truly despise trying on clothes anywhere, I do make exceptions for my two favorites, Uniqlo (for basics and their collaborations) and COS for everything else. It's so worth it to figure out how things at your favorite stores fit you. Like Suz said, just think of it as research. It definitely helps. And don't just do it once. Check them out routinely, because over time, fits can change.

Whenever we travel, I find a COS and a Uniqlo, and spend an afternoon trying on clothes. I may have spent 3 hours in the COS Stockholm store the first time I went there.

DonnaF

Veteran

It's the CLOTHES, not you!!! I'm 5' 1" so I hear you. Petites have all but disappeared from offerings, so I feel very lucky if something *happens* to fit. I love the look of COS, but from comments on YLF I've concluded that their clothing is cut for tall folks with straight bodies.

I agree with Suz in terms of trying to identify brands whose current fit models are more likely to work for your body. For me, it's Madewell, NYDJ, the various Nordstrom lines, and sometimes BDG and Levi's and never Top Shop for bottoms. [Why do I keep trying?]

Shoes are the same way. . .I guess I should consider it a blessing that so many brands come in whole sizes, and in some that means I'm in between sizes. Otherwise, I'd have a worse *problem* than I have now.

unfrumped

Veteran

I hear that! My town never had lots of great retail clothiers, but it’s lost a lot of what it used to have, including several that worked for me. I do a fair amount of the online buy/ return cycle. Sizes are SO hard!

Then, I feel very tempted to keep items that mostly fit, even if end up with a hodgepodge. Very hard to keep to a “ list” of colors, styles to create workable capsules— I feel I veer off course— maybe I wanted a jacket in this color or fabrics but only found another, so drift off in that direction. Or I’ll see the perfect versatile item but nope, doesn’t fit me or sold out by the time I came across it.

I have made some progress by trying some things online regardless of whether on sale , or return fees. Meaning, if the photos and descriptions looked right up my alley in some way that’s hard to find— like pants fit, or coordinating color or something.

There are lots of brands I’ve never, or barely, tried, like Everlane, Aritzia , COS, Massimo Dutti, lots of others, that I might have tried if I’d been in a store & seen the aesthetic and fits IRL.

Runcarla

Veteran

I won’t repeat the wisdom shared by others, but I would second what Angie suggested about sharing photos of items you think don’t work. Sometimes a photo reveals a truth (that something looks better than you originally thought, or the converse).

When I was very active in making quilts, it was suggested at one workshop that before piecing the patchwork together, we look at it though a camera lens, or stand on a chair and look backwards through a mirror! It’s crazy how different things would look when the focus was narrowed or the perspective changed! I find the same with clothes. That’s the reason I like to post outfit photos. The advice (and support) I get from fellow forum members is so valuable.

If you are shy, you can crop so just the outfit is on display. FWIW, if #1 is a pic of you, you have a very neat and trim figure - and the t-shirt looks like a great find.

Anonymous

I wouldn't even attempt to buy anything really tailored online TBH. If it's not sized in S, M, L than nope. Anything with number sizing will have to come from the local boutiques.
Of course with the ease that I gain and lose weight, nothing will be an exact fit for more than an hour it seems!

cat2

Veteran

When I hit menopause, my body shape shifted and the cuts from some of my favorite retailers no longer worked. I had to go through a frustrating time figuring out which brands do work, but after a few rounds of try ons had a new list. If you ask for brands that work for people with similar shapes, you are likely to get some good suggestions from the folks here.

Sal

Veteran

It is frustrating!

I can’t offer much more than the excellent advice that has already been given.

I think retailers are cutting their offerings - boxy is easier to make than tailored. Petite’s are scrapped. Lots of the same styles they think will sell.

I have a mental and written list of my gaps and I seize my moments. Sometimes on vacation, sometimes locally, sometimes online. I rarely make a concerted shopping effort to find pieces as I try to stay ahead - that way the pressure is off. It doesn’t always work but I find it easier to see things that way.

Bee

I’m 36 and still fit into some clothes I’ve had since 6th grade. Believe me when I say I am NOT bragging. I felt too big back then and nowadays I often am often made to feel too small. I have no problem with my size but apparently it bothers some people. Even people from my own family who know very well that our women tend to go through puberty early and then remain very thin, even after childbirth and menopause.

That doesn’t mean that our bodies don’t undergo changes. After 2 years without leaving my house, for a few months not even my room and barely my bed, my clothes fit, but they don’t hug my body or fit snugly like they used to. I have a hard time feeling “sexy” in anything because the muscle wastage and lack of tone left me looking soft, deflated and just plain awkward. There’s a term people often use for this, skinny fat… although I don’t have enough fat for that so I guess I’m just skinny flab. I think women of all sizes and ages experience frustration when their bodies change… or fail to change in the way they expected. It may seem daunting at first but maybe try to look at it as a new chance to experiment with new styles and cuts that you might never have considered before and end up being pleasantly surprised by some things you find.

Joy

Veteran

I shop mostly second hand where I can try things on. Some things are absolutely no’s. For example, shoulder seams that are dropped down on the arm. It dates the item and is a sloppy way to make more people think it will fit. I also avoid showing too much skin. Summer dresses are almost impossible to find. Body shape does change. For example I always before had no stomach protrusion and a waist. Now I can’t even get stockings to fit. I am between an XS and S in most things. Tops have become the hardest.

quietloud

Thanks ladies, I am glad (but also sad) to know I’m not the only one struggling with online shopping and sizing!

Suz - That’s such a great idea, and I do already feel like I do a majority of my shopping when I travel. I usually go to London at least once a year, perhaps I should start adding a day or two to my trips specifically for shopping/browsing. Do you have a specific time of year that you prefer to go, perhaps at the start of each new season?

And yes, oversized is very difficult for me to pull off and I mostly avoid it, although like you say it’s hard to find anything else in stores at the moment! At the very least I need a good fit in the shoulders, and some waist emphasis, or else I look like I am drowning in fabric.

Angie - Thank you! The t-shirt immediately felt right so I felt confident that it was a keeper. I should have taken a picture of myself in the pants, but was so disappointed that I boxed them up immediately for a return. I can do a wide leg, but I have a hard time with front pleated pants. Since I already have to size up to accommodate my disproportionately large behind, I tend to end up with an overwhelming amount of fabric in the front. There are some exceptions so I keep trying from time to time, but I’m fairly certain these were not flattering on me. Next time I will remember to snap and post pictures just in case! A lot of the shapes that are around at the moment are definitely challenging for me. Love that things tend to be more cropped (the cut-out t-shirt was described as cropped but hit me at the hipbone, so not really), as I’ve always struggled with things being too long, but all the volume is harder to figure out. The most important thing for me is a good fit in the shoulders, as well as some sort of waist emphasis.

Irina - Thank you, I really like it too! It’s my first keeper from Arket, I’ve tried a few pieces on in store in the past while traveling, but generally I haven’t found their fit to be very good for me. Same with COS really, so perhaps I should have known better, but I just really like the aesthetic so I keep trying!

LJP - I’m sorry you’re having similar struggles. I think it’s good to know when to take a break and step back from it all. I have the same experience, when I push on I end up desperate and keeping lots of things that I don’t really love and regret later on.

Kate - Uniqlo seems to be a good fit for me as well, and I always stock up on basics from there when I am traveling. It’s the kind of shopping I like, find a style that fits me well and buy it in all of my favorite colors, lol. Sadly they don’t ship to my country, so I am limited to a few times a year when traveling.

DonnaF - Thank you, I am happy to hear from fellow petites who know the struggle! Even fitted garments are often oversized on me, so when they are made intentionally oversized it’s pretty hopeless! Agreed about COS, though I love their aesthetic so I keep trying. And don’t get me started on shoes, lol. I wear a size 5, which barely exists where I live. Ordering shoes online is even harder than clothes, I feel.

unfrumped - It’s so tempting to keep those almost items, and I often end up doing that too, but they are always the items that end up first in the donate pile. I am trying to be both more open minded in what I try on to increase my chances of finding something good, while also being more ruthless in regards to what I keep. If I don’t immediately want to wear it (or can see the potential with some minor alterations), it’s going back.

Runcarla - That sounds like a good idea, I’ll try to remember to take pictures the next time. I can see how it might give a different perspective.

suntiger - Yes, tailoring is hard, especially online. In the past I hated wearing anything jersey or very stretchy, these days it’s the only thing that seems able to give me a decent fit, lol.

kkards

Veteran

Grrr…so sorry you’re feeling this way! I think at some point in our lives we all feel like nothing fits ME. These times it’s so hard to feel good…but as everyone’s said, it’s not you. I wish I had advice, but they only thing I can say, is the more you hang out with us, the more you’ll see that it’s the clothes and….at least for me, the more ideas, brands etc you’ll be introduced to which might help you find what your looking for.

slim cat

Veteran

Very cute top -adorable on you!
The pants are the most difficult for me - 2 winners after almost of 3 years of looking, trying, buying and returning ( and I'm not technically a petit 5'4" with straight body ). The struggle is real. I only checking now very limited list of brands - the rest is completely off for me. Sigh.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Well, I just want to encourage you and thank you once again for your fantastic response on my grey hair thread where you put me onto the “The Unpublishable” blog which has been such a wonderful place to explore.
I don’t have any advice about fit as for some reason despite being only 5 foot 1 tall ( 155 or 156 cm) I seem to manage to buy plenty of items that fit me. I guess a lot of them have stretch! And also since I live in our country’s largest city I can mostly shop in-person and some of my occasional attempts at online shopping have been unsuccessful. Thus I have almost given up on it.
I do agree with Suz that using brands that you know mostly fit you, again and again, is helpful. I recently bought 3 “skivvies” ( mock necks) from the same brand I bought the same thing from in about 2007 and they are perfect. I have worn all three over 10 times each since I got them. Keeping me warm and stopping my neck from itching from my woollen knitwear!
The cut-out T-shirt looks great on you. Hopefully you can find some other options soon.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

There is so much good advice on this thread that I don't have anything to add but have learned a lot! I wear almost exclusively second hand and have become very good at assessing an item in person for fit (for me or my family) but have more limited experience ordering on-line. Since you do have opportunities to go to London, I would definitely follow Suz's and others' advice about devoting time to research. Once you understand which brands and sizes fit as you like it should be a bit easier. Good luck!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

For the past several decades, I've been fortunate enough to live about 2-3 hours to larger cities with more options, that is when I wasn't actually living in the larger cities themselves. Plus, I have close friends and/or family in those larger cities. As LJP notes, that gives me a level of accessibility that not everyone enjoys. I can extend a trip without incurring a huge extra cost. So what you suggest is exactly what and how I'd do it -- if I were going anyway for work or to visit friends and family, I'd try to tack on a day or two once or twice a year. Ideally at the near-start of a season (late September, early to mid-October for fall/ winter; late March-through early May for spring/ summer in my climate). I can't always manage the timing -- but that's ok.

Between seasonal shops, I often go to consignment stores for second hand if I get an opportunity to travel again. I do have some favourite spots.

Bee

Joy, I’m somewhere between an a small and extra small as well. Usually an XS for bottoms and an S for tops. Dresses and rompers can sometimes be a problem.

I find that many people (including retail salespeople!) are dismissive and sometimes even condescending when smaller women voice their body insecurities and discuss aspects of their anatomy they have real issues with. As if our size automatically exempts us from bloating, celulite, stretch marks and flaccid skin. My friend was practically ridiculed by an employee at department store when she asked for control top pantyhose in an XXS (32).

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I totally understand how you feel! I have different fit issues in general, but I share your troubles with COS. Love the vibe, but I’m too short-torsoed and too curvy for most of their cuts. I’ve probably tried a couple dozen items from them over the years, and exactly one worked. I much prefer shopping in person, but the reality of this time is that is more difficult than it used to be.

quietloud

cat2 - I’m not yet in menopause, but I am definitely noticing changes as I age, and think I am in a phase where I need to reassess a bit!

Sal - I really want to get to a place where I feel like I am ahead with my wardrobe, and in some areas I do feel that I am. In others (pants and shoes especially) I am always in short supply…Agreed on the shapes available at the moment, I also think it’s a way for retailers to keep costs/effort down.

Bee ? - I can relate, although for me it was the opposite. Growing up I was extremely thin, and would constantly get remarks about it, questioned about eating disorders, etc. I didn’t grow curves until well into adulthood, and to be honest I still haven’t gotten quite used to them at age 40! I have also struggled with chronic illness for the past four years, being housebound and sometimes bedbound for months at a time, and you are right, even though my size has stayed the same, my clothes definitely fit me differently!

Joy - I really miss second hand shopping, I used to do a lot of it but these days the quality of items in my local second hand shops is terrible, so most of the time I don’t bother. Agreed on dropped shoulder seams, my #1 fit criteria when shopping is a well fitting shoulder!

kkards - Thank you, yes I am definitely learning a lot from this wonderful community!

slim cat - Pants are the worst, and I have yet to find any go to brands that work for me (though I do have a couple of options for jeans). I am always in short supply when it comes to pants!

Jenni NZ - I’m so happy you’re enjoying The Unpublishable! There’s definitely a lot of food for thought.

You are lucky to be living somewhere with lots of in-person options for shopping. I live in a mid sized town, and although there is a fair amount of shops, it’s the same handful ones on every street corner, none of which fit me very well (neither style or body wise).

I have yet to find any true go-to brands for myself, looking at my wardrobe it’s really from all over the place. Would love to hone in on a few brands that I can rely on.

Jamie - I used to do a lot of second hand shopping too, but in recent years the quality of items where I live has declined drastically. It’s almost exclusively fast fashion synthetic pieces, so I rarely have the patience for it anymore. I have a second hand app that I shop on sometimes, but again my luck there is about 50/50.

Janet - I also have only one piece from COS in my wardrobe, and to be honest I don’t reach for it often. I think I need to stop my wishful thinking and find some better alternatives!

Bijou

Veteran

I buy items online often on final sale with no chance of return. I generally use the customer support to get the exact garment measurements to work out the size to take.