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Rude Comments about Outfit - How to Respond?

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

So, as you guys know, I don't really dress to blend in. I have a quirky style, but it's not out of line with the other residents (except the surgical ones who wear scrubs, or the obstetrical ones who also wear scrubs, for fluid reasons).

Recently, I have had people in various "allied health" services come up to me and ask me about various pieces of clothing. I normally don't mind, if they ask me where I purchased something, especially if I'm having some down time, and they're not interrupting whatever work I am trying to get done.

I have been stocking up my closet with a lot of second or third cut Anthropologie (from the store) or used items. I love these pieces very much, and I spend some time tailoring them to suit my needs and my shape. One of the things I love about these pieces is the material they are made of and how wonderful it feels to wear them.

Some of the instructors of an allied health training program came up and felt my blazer (not really with my permission) and announced, "Why are you spending so much money on clothes?" And her counterpart chimed in, "Don't you know those are very expensive stores?" And one of the students said, "I can't afford to shop there!"

The blazer in question cost me $23 off eBay, but I don't think that was really the point. The skirt in question was another $32 off eBay, and my blouse was $12 from Forever21. So I was definitely perplexed, but at the same time, I don't question them about their spendy-spendy scrubs either (the fashion kind, not the ones from the hospital). I suppose if I was someone who wore a $158 skirt to the hospital (original price) and a $98 blazer (original price), I don' t think I should have to defend myself either.

One of the resident colleagues with me made a comment that this was the difference between being a doctor's salary and their allied health salary, which I don't think really helped the situation.

Regardless of my resident colleagues' response, I wasn't really sure what to say in response to a few people at working confronting me about my spending habits. I'm not an excessive spender, I carry a Tim Hortons coffee ($1.80 or so) on the wards most of the time, and not a Starbucks. A lot of the residents have LV bags, and I carry my trusty Fossil (also used, $48). I drive a 14 year old car.

Thanks for letting me rant - and do you guys have anything creative you usually say to these types of people?

Shopping

77 replies

Latest reply was from lyn*

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Can't wait to hear some creative responses. I am dumbfounded if someone starts to get into the cost of what I'm wearing or carrying or driving or living in. . ..
Sympathy is all I can offer! You shouldn't have to defend yourself. People should have better manners than to comment on the (assumed) cost of your clothing.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

No one says these things to me! I also drive an old (1996) car that is faded in paint and looking all the worse for wear. I do also have some more designer type clothing but it's always on deep discount or eBay just like you. That said, I would totally quip - " you think I paid full price for this?? Not on your life!"

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, dear. Ruth had a similar situation that she wrote about earlier today. The difference was the person who made the comment was a stranger and not someone she has to work with.

Sorry you had to deal with this, Lyn. And your colleague's response only added fuel to the fire, unfortunately. Makes it difficult to find a gracious way to smooth things over.

I always think the best response in situations like this is humour. Possibly the self-deprecating kind.

Maybe something like, "Ebay, the busy doctor's best friend!"

But if the comments continue, you might be forced to adopt another tactic. Back when my daughter was in nursery school they used to have a saying: "Thank you for minding your own business." I am sure that would come across as rude, but it's tempting, isn't it?

Adelfa

Veteran

That is really hard. I get some of that too. Usually I feel there is nothing I can say to make things better--I'll just dig myself deeper--so I smile and move on. Sometimes I take the initiative, on a day when nobody has commented about my clothes, and say to those people, "Look! The skirt is from Costco and the top and the belt are from Target!" just so they know that I actually know how to look okay on a budget.

I wish I had a good rejoinder for you!

Thistle

Veteran

Hmmm, I find it extremely disconcerting anyone would think it their place to say something. Perhaps the appropriate thing to say would be "And how does analyzing my clothing help the patient?" Then change the subject back to work.

I would be furious if anyone ever touched me or my clothing without my permission. I would lay it down then and there that it was not appropriate and to not do it again. The, turn the subject back to work.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Thank you for your sympathies and ideas; I can't imagine them going up to a full doc and be like, "NICE SILK SCARF. I BET THAT COST THREE CONSULTS." (Consult = $140 to $300, depending).

@ Firecracker - I don't assume anyone has manners these days In fact, when guys have manners I usually assume they are flirting. HAHA.

@ Mo - Hey, why fix what isn't broken, right? I enjoy my car. There is a full doc who drives a 89 Toyota. It's always getting towed out of the doctor's lot though, because people think it's not a doc car, despite the placard!

@ Suz - I sort of fed them a red herring about a consignment store in town which does carry Anthro, but not very cheap Anthro. I don't want them on eBay too :p HAHA. I am so greedy. Your daughter's nursery school sounds positively ADORABLE.

@ Adelfa - You're too cute! Costco sometimes carries uber cute things and my runners and my rubber boots are from there! And I like the food samples. Nom nom nom.

@ Thistle - That one time someone peed on my leg (thankfully none of it got on my clothes), I commented to someone who tried to touch my skirt, "That has urine on it." She hasn't talked to me since

Deborah

Veteran

Lyn these people sound awfully rude but I suspect that wasn't their intent. I find people often make these types of comments due to their own insecurities. I am not really sure what the best response would be, but you could try being honest and direct and say that the conversation is making your feel uncomfortable and would they mind focussing on the work at hand. Touching your garment is quite an invasive move and I too would be very uncomfortable should someone do that to me. I am sorry I have no real words of wisdom, but I do understand how you feel and I am sorry that you experienced this.

Eliza

Veteran

Wow. This is a tough one. I think I 'd be tempted to smile and say, "Thank you for your concern. Just remember things aren't always as they seem." Then just shrug and carry on with your day, content to be mysterious, vague and disinterested in the power plays/hospital politics.

Do not let other people's hang-ups (which may be about things other than money and spending), put you on the defensive. I've worked in hospitals, and as in most work settings, have found floating over the waves of hierarchies and collegial judgments to be a worthwhile skill to cultivate. It is most effective when one fails to participate in gossip or speculation about others, because then people go elsewhere for that kind of "fun" and hopefully start to develop a little awareness of their impact on others.

Jeanie

Veteran

Sorry you had to deal with that. I used to get sarcastic comments about my clothes when I first started out in banking. My best friend's dad owned a high end shop and I got super cheap but really well made suits. I guess anyone who dares to differ (or even just try harder) with fashion is bound to get criticism. I am not great with quick-witted remarks so I would just smile an shrug and keep them wondering.

deb

Veteran

Lyn, if you know these people are married or have kids, sometimes an answer like ' watching for sales is one of the benefits of single life' It not really a put down but not really nice either.

ClaraT

Veteran

I would probably say something like,"oh, you don't have to spend a lot on clothes if you know where to shop! But really, let's not talk about my clothes. Have you seen..." And change the topic. This implies that you don't spend as much as they think and makes it awkward for them to keep on the subject. As for the touching, smile and ask, "why are you touching me/my jacket?" This helps the inappropriate person realize they are being inappropriate without being unkind.

MsLuna

Veteran

Hi Lyn!

A friend of mine had to deal with a similar situation lately. She went shopping at Holt Renfrew a few times a week just to purchase jewelry that she has been eyeing for quite sometime. One particular sales staff helped her on multiple occasions and suddenly asked, "How much are you making? Are you making a lot of money?"

My friend is a lover of jewelry and accessories, and it really isn't any of the salesperson's business. The salesperson even went as far as "protecting" her from making a purchase by trying to dissuade her. Needless to say, my friend came out fuming and somewhat "attacked" because the judgments and behaviour was unnecessary!

Yikes.

Now as far as advice goes - I'm not sure I could recommend a response to their comments, but here's something to think about: When someone makes a comment on how expensive or how much you spend, keep in mind that it has no bearing or reflection on you, but it has more to say about them. There's a possibility that these people could be projecting themselves and their experiences onto you. Are they going through financial trouble themselves? Are they envious of your amazing style, but couldn't quite figure their own? There are so many possibilities, but in the end, the statements they make and the questions they ask say more about them than about you.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

@ Deborah - Thanks for understanding; I hope they weren't trying to be rude either, it is rather weird though. I suppose I could do the "psychological" thing and ask them why they feel this way, but that's therapy :p

@ Eliza - Aren't hospital politics something else entirely? Man, it's nuts! I will try to keep my nose clean.

@ Jeanie - Your suits sound awesome and I'm just a little jealous! I think I'm fashion different - there are other residents who wear simple things but very expensive and they don't usually garner the comments (I'm suspecting because the people who make them fail to realize that pencil skirts can be so expensive!)

@ Deb - They already call me the Spinster Doctor ...

@ Clara - I love your redirection! I will use it next time!

@ Katie - Oh! Your poor friend! We all have our little indulgences, and it's kind of weird how that SA sort of implied that your friend couldn't afford it. I think it's fairly common for people to be in financial trouble, and I suppose I am fortunate enough to be able to sort my own house out.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I'm not really sure what to suggest Lyn* - how awkward!

The first thing that came to mind when I read your post though, was that money can't buy good taste and good taste doesn't necessarily mean spending a lot of money. You have good taste.

I guess these people commenting haven't realized that it's not the money - it's enjoying something and looking for the best stuff because it's fun!

The other thing that comes to mind is that I might spend more money on a particular thing because I enjoy it so much more, but then - I'm equally happy with no-name brand laundry detergent or what have you. I guess I'm saying that there might be a few areas in my life where I pay more attention (and maybe even spend a bit more), but it doesn't mean my whole life is like that! I'm thinking this is another thing that some of these people at work haven't thought of. I'm sure they have *also* insisted on the better quality item in some areas of their lives. I'd be willing to bet that one of them might even be a "foodie" and insists on spending $8 on some fancy gluten-free bread or something. Someone else in that group is probably spending $30 for a multi-vitamin, or some gizmo for their truck. Yet another person is spending a lot more for a top-notch summer camp experience for one of their kids.

Know what I mean? The photographer is all about fancy lenses, the cook wants those perfect sun dried organic tomatoes, the knitter is looking for the very best quality wool, the geeks are looking for the latest and greatest tech gadget and so on. We're all like this to some degree, somewhere in our lives.

Do your best to ignore these questions and comments. In the meantime, I like Suz's quick, "Ebay, it's a busy doctor's best friend" response.

MsMaven

Veteran

My first reaction is--I'm speechless. I don't understand this type of behavior. I immediately attribute it to spite and envy. Or ignorance. Wait--my husband always say to look for the kind intention behind the act. Is it possible these folks are trying to compliment your fantastic fashion sense and don't know how?

I agree you should not be defensive. Be gracious, smile, and if it gets to you, come here to complain and we will be supportive. Take the attention as a compliment.

deb

Veteran

Lyn, At least they can call you 'the spinster doctor with good taste' lol. Sometimes you just have to laugh it off, especially if they call you something like that. These people have no empathy and do not care if they hurt feelings. I am sorry you have to put up with them.

FlorenceFearne

You know, I get those sorts of remarks all the time myself, even though I make the same amount of money as all my coworkers in cubeville, and they know it's not a lot. At all. And it always irks me because when they know full well what I earn, how can I possibly be paying staggering sums of money for my clothing? I guess they must assume I own a secret gold mine, or maybe have a sugar daddy or something.

I am coming to believe that a lot of it comes from folks who aren't very nicely dressed themselves, and are trying to make the point that the only reason I can look so nice is that I spend lots of money. And I am aware that may sound "judgey" but when I take the time to explain that I have never paid full price for anything ever, and that my skirt was $8.00 on clearance, these same people tell me that they cannot be bothered with all that effort, or that they just prefer to be comfortable, or that they really don't care about looking fashionable. I just want to say, "If you're telling me you made the conscious choice to come to work in a holey pair of sweatpants, that's fine, but don't try to imply that I'm a snob when I'm wearing a pair of Walmart clearance jeans."

~Rant over now.

I guess you can take these remarks as a testament to your excellent shopping abilities and fashion choices. They are telling you that you look elegant and polished and yes, expensive.

Diana

Veteran

Hmm, this hasn't happened to me for a while but it has happened in the past. I always think of the witty remark a half step too late, so I usually just smile and shrug or say something noncommittal like, "I like great deals".
I remember once someone (not a fashiony person) asked me where I got my jeans and I said "gap" because I didn't want to say they were premium denim. Not really a lie, I do have and like gap jeans. She then said, "oh, but that's so expensive! I couldn't possibly shop there!". I mumbled something about how they had good sales and invented some excuse to go to another room.

Also, the touching would creep me out.

Gaylene

Veteran

My stock answer when people make an uncalled-for comment about anything is "Hmmm..." delivered in a vaguely distracted tone while looking over their shoulder. I don't believe I need to explain or justify my choices, nor do I want to give them any encouragement to continue with the topic. If the person is foolhardy enough to continue, I find silence works well.

rachylou

Veteran

Man, it's an epidemic!

My policy is to always be forthcoming and honest, with a really sweet, totally sincere, gentle demeanor. I'd say:

1) Sweetie, two-feet of personal body space! Thank you!
2) I have a strict clothing budget actually and do a lot of bargain hunting.
3) You should try eBay too. Very easy and you could do wonders with your wardrobe.

What? What? Was somebody just slammed there? I'm not sure... But no, I have good voice control. I can say all that without being defensive or mean. People have questions; it's ok.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Oh my goodness, some people must be missing part of their frontal lobes! I think the best answer to their rude comments is "Thanks for the compliment! Please pass the bean dip." (popular saying on my mommy board, aka "Let's change the subject.") Or, if you're still sensitive about money, you could say something like, "Well, I love to bargain hunt". I'm guilty of this, if someone compliments me on my outfit I often point out, "Oh, this dress? It's from TJ Maxx. Twenty bucks." I don't brag about price on my more expensive items, but for some reason I tend to blurt out sources when I'm wearing something cheap, so they don't think I'm extravagant. Or maybe I'm fishing for compliments on my bargain shopping prowess. LOL.

Next time someone tries to pet you, pet them back. That worked for pregnant tummy rubbers--they don't like getting their tummy rubbed in return!

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

It is true there is so much rudeness in the world. Sigh. I see so much of it dealing with customers at a restaurant. And although there are plenty of kind, well mannered people, the rude people take up way too much space in our heads. I wish I would spend as much time thinking about the warm and wonderful customers I get as I obsess about the one man who insulted me.

But I digress. I'm never that quick thinking. If I was, I would just tell them everything is used from eBay or consignment stores.

cade

I always want to respond to rudenes with rudenes... but I can't bring myself to do it. However, I have become really good at raising my eyebrows. That said, if someone calls me 'hun' again at the checkout, I just might forget my good manners.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I probably would have laughed and said something like , "Thank you so much for the compliment. It means I nailed looking expensive without breaking the bank! You could do it just as easily, check out Ebay!"

unfrumped

Veteran

I'm dumbfounded myself.

I like ClaraT and Gaylene approaches.
Some mix of acting vaguely distracted or thanking quite neutrally and moving on. I would not respond with any specifics ever, but the" I know, isn't bargain- hunting great! Now about Mr. Smith' s physical therapy...." can work.. You might think a bit about which kind of responses fit YOU best-- meaning, easy to pull off without requiring Oscar- winning acting, (which I can never do) but still fit the not getting sucked in to their weirdness , but also always being impeccably polite and professional. I would definitely resist any cutting or putdown remarks . You can't take those back, and making other people feel " small" isn't usually helpful , especially in situations where you'll be working with someone again.

Archer

Veteran

No eBay talk
Just : a giggle plus, "I'm really careful with my money. I just have masses of style."

Kristin L

Veteran

I'm so sorry Lyn! Next time someone comes up and tries to touch you, I think I'd remind them of "Hands to yourself." That's very uncalled for.

As for the clothes, I'd say something to the point of "It's amazing what you can find on sale or 2nd hand" and leave it at that. I can't get over how rude the professionals you work with were!

Sona

Veteran

It is interesting that we seem to want to find a way to defend ourselves or explain away 'expensive' items even if culled from an inexpensive source or from a consignment place. I would actually just smile and move on or say "Yup I love my clothes'".
You do not need to defend yourself or how you budget. There are those who
drive BMW's and have no savings and there are those who wear DVF or Burberry with pride and yet put away a pretty penny ( talking about myself here!)
I also like to say " to each his own".

Yours sincerely,
the internist attempting 'therapy' to the psychiatry resident!

Anonymous

That's worse than the comment I got the other night. I think it's true we often feel the need to explain our purchases. We really shouldn't have to explain anything. First of all, it's nobody's business. Also, we might decide to scrimp in one area in order to splurge in another. At any rate, I think it's weird when people ask those sorts of questions. It would never cross my mind to do that. I might say I admire a certain garment and maybe even say the store has great stuff. But that's it. I'd never go beyond the point of admiring something, complimenting the person wearing it, and saying something favorable about the store.

Such comments probably do come from people who don't want to be bothered with the continual shopping it takes to snag good deals. Also, many of my garments have a very low CPW, so it's actually more economical to pay full price for things that are going to get a lot of use.

In the end, I don't think any of us should have to apologize or make excuses for our purchases.

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