Response to "Are you having a baby" question - YouLookFab Forum

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Response to "Are you having a baby" question

Sihaya

Veteran

OK, so I'm now officially one of those women who's been asking if I were having a baby when I'm not pregnant. I'm not surprised, since I've gained about 20 pounds in less than a year and most of it is on my belly. Surprising that it came from a woman in her 40's who has kids of her own and weighs more than I do.

My question to those of you out there:

- Have you been asked this question when you're not pregnant?
- What are some good responses to dispel the awkwardness in the moment?

I am not too bothered that I was asked this question since a) I realize I have a disproportionately large tummy right now and b) I can't help it if some people are clueless dolts.

I am more interested in finding out how to deal with the comment in the moment in an appropriate way. In this case I told her that no I wasn't, I had just gained 20 lbs in less than a year. She helped by saying she'd seen me a year ago when I was really skinny. And we moved on.

You might say that for someone who makes a stupid comment like that they should feel awkward. And that's fine. I really don't care about them. I am asking more for me. So I can not feel awkward and figure out how to spend the next 60 mins with the person by bringing this to closure in a graceful way.

General

18 replies

Latest reply was from Sihaya

Maya

Veteran

If I ever get asked this I am very prone to losing it completely and knocking the person in the head. That is probably NOT the most mature way to handle the situation so I'm curious to see how other, more socially graceful souls handle this.

I just don't understand WHY. Why, why, why? If you wanted her to know that you were pregnant, you would have told her. If not, she can safely assume it's NONE OF HER BUSINESS. When did pregnancy become such a public matter that everyone is entitled to know and comment about? To me, it's right up there with asking about a person's sex life. It's bizarre. I just can't wrap my head around it.

I'm afraid I have been absolutely no help on this matter but I just had to vent how head-smackingly mad I get at this totally obtuse question.

FWIW, you definitely didn't look pregnant in your pictures.

shiny

Veteran

I tell them yes I am pregnant, with a Lithopedion:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lithopedion

This is the ongoing joke at our house, especially those times my tummy balloons up and I look 5 months pregnant, due to whatever the heck has been going on with me (premenopause? gluten intolerance?). I'm at a healthy weight but my tummy will get absolutely huge - and it's not squishy, it's hard, like a baby. I will truly look pregnant. So, I don't blame people for thinking it. It is what it is.

Laughter is the best policy, in my experience. It eases their discomfort over asking, but also it makes me feel better about myself, that I can joke about it and let it slide.

Recently I saw my neighbor getting out of her car and I blurted out - before I could stop myself - oh! you're pregnant!! Thank goodness she really was!! So people can know better and yet still accidentally blurt stuff like this out without thinking.

Edit to add: I blurted it out because I was so excited for her and her hubby! I knew she really wanted to have a second child. So my intentions were in the right place, if that helps.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I had this quite allot whilst my body was postnatal, I just replied 'maybe in the future.'

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

It's not graceful, but you could just play it off in a funny way by telling them that it is your "Food Baby". That's what dh says when his tummy is really full, and he looks more pregnant that I ever did.
Hopefully you won't have to deal with again- it's really innapropriate!

Ellen

Oh, Sihaya, I like your style and LOVE sentences like this one: "I can't help it if some people are clueless dolts." Amen.

I have a little personal angst about pregnancy-related questions in general... I dislike it that many people out there feel any question or comment is appropriate to a pregnant woman.

I have become much more adept at firmly ending the discussion and moving to another topic. If they feel awkward, that's unfortunate, but their own fault, really. I do want to avoid being unkind, so I try to be factual.

Example: "Oh, wow, you are SO big, are you having twins? That will be SUCH a big baby!" (an actual comment from this summer). My response: "No, actually, my measurements are exactly on schedule. So what did you think about the speaker/the event/the weather?" Usually this gets an odd look, but then derails them into a different topic without calling attention to an offensive comment.

On this comment, I would simply say, "No, I am not, thank you. Wow, that is a lovely jacket you are wearing, where did you find it?" Or some other such thing. It requires thinking of something else quickly, but it does diffuse most awkwardness without taking the brunt of their cluelessness on yourself.

marianna

Veteran

That's SUCH a personal question and I don't know how people have the nerve to even ask. If you want to tell someone you're pregnant, you'll tell them. I don't think one should be asked.

I've never been asked, but it's something I have always feared because of my large belly. I have no idea how I would react but I definitely know I would NOT be happy.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Sihaya, I’m sorry that this happened. Not so fab. Big hug!

You know that I have thought about this subject a lot. With all my heart I believe that nipping a question like this in the bud with 100% honesty is the best solution. People should be mindful when they ask questions like this – end of story. Making them feel awkward with your unexpected honest response is what it is. I really liked your response. To me that was classy and graceful. Clear, to the point and no dilly dally about. And above all the truth. Then, I’d steer the conversation into asking the person a question. This leaves no room for further talk about people’s weight and body changes.

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

I have been asked three times, and all three times I bawled my eyes out once I was alone.
My initial response was the truth because I was so caught off guard. My hope is that each of those individuals learned from their mistake and will never ask that question again.
Pregnancy is lovely, but it's also very personal and even if we ever have children I'd like to be respected.
I'm sorry this happened to you.

Kym

Wow, I just cannot believe some people. I might expect that question from a man, but never a woman! My mother told me to never ask that one unless I see the baby popping out with my own two eyes!!

To answer that question, I would say, "No, why?" Let her feel akward.

anne

Veteran

I wanted to say firstly that I am very sorry this happened to you, Sihaya and secondly that I thought you looked great in the recent photos you posted and would never that thought that myself.

Also I agree that this is a question that shouldn't be asked for all the sort of reasons everyone has mentioned... and yet... I have to admit that I have done it - twice this year. Yes, despite my personal policy never to ask that question. In both cases they were pregnant - but the last person said something like "lucky for you I said yes!" and I did apologize to her.

What I wanted to say is that unless the person is really mean or thick skinned as soon as you say "no" (or maybe, like me, as soon as the words slipped out of their mouth) they will be regretting it and feeling awkward (as I fully agree, they should. If you are still spending time together (like in Sihaya's situation) I think asking "No why?" is not going to help with that. I prefer Ellen's proposal of just saying no and quickly changing the subject.
I think I'd say something like "oh gosh no, I am busy enough with my three"

Alecia

Veteran

I'm sorry, Sihaya. You handled it with grace but in a way that still acknowledges the inappropriateness of the question. As someone who has stuck my foot in my mouth a few times (not about this but other things), I appreciate that tact when I'm in the offender myself. Then we learn and move on.

Christie

When this has happened to me (twice in a several month span, and said by the same woman!), I just said, "No, maybe you have me confused with someone else you've heard is pregnant?" It seemed to diffuse the awkwardness (for both of us).

BlondeAmbition

I'm a teacher so I get this question from my students every year and this is how it goes:

Student: "Are you having a baby???!!"
Me: No I'm not
Student: "You look pregnant"
Me: Well I'm not
Student" "But you look it!"

Gotta love kids' honesty. When an adult asks me I say "No, I'm just fat" and that helps me make them feel as uncomfortable as I do haha!

Excuse me while I go do a few sit ups now.

shana

Veteran

I saw this a few days ago and wanted to respond. I remember my husband asked someone a couple of years ago when she was due and I was so horrifyingly embarrassed for her because I could tell that she wasn't. I was HUGELY pregnant at the time so I think my husband had pregnancy on the brain, plus according to him, her empire line top (so popular then) looked like a maternity top to him. After I beat him over the head a few times, I think he understood never, ever to ask such a question again.

I agree with the others and this is something I would never even THINK to ask myself (for many reasons) but to Anne's point, it's important to consider the intentions of the person asking. Like I said to Angie once, we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. Anyway, I think you handled it well and a brief, honest response (without alot of explanation) followed by redirection is probably the best way to handle the situation. I also like Khris's reference to the "food-baby."

Sihaya

Veteran

Thanks everybody. These are great suggestions that I will keep in mind. I like the idea of honesty (which is very much my style) followed by redirection, especially since I have to then continue spending time with them, usually professionally. Shana - I love your comment about judging ourselves by our intention and others by their actions. That really resonates for me. I'm going to have to steal that for classes that I teach!

I also agree with people that pregnancy is a really personal issue. Not to mention that many struggle with infertility. I can't imagine someone who's waiting to get pregnant and then being asked this question.

Now, excuse me while I go do some tummy crunches!

p.s. as an aside, after I told her that I had gained 20 lbs in less than a year, she then asked 'why'. You'd think she'd know to stop at that point. So then I had to mention that it was because I'd has some physical issues that had reduced my ability to exercise. Sigh. OK, I'm moving on now.

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

Just reading the postscript of your last comment confirms for me that the asker is completely socially inept. Please don't let any of her idiocy impact you.

That said, if you are looking to diffuse the situation ever again, I find that humor (usually the self-depracting kind) works best for me.

Q: Are you pregnant?
A: No, just fat! (said with a grin and a hand-lift)

Q: Are you pregnant?
A: Dang. I knew I looked fat in this sweater! My husband is a liar.

Q: Are you pregnant?
A: Lord, I hope not!

Patience

Veteran

Aargh!

I find that the person, my mood, the context and the intentions really do make a difference in how I would want to respond to such a question. First, since it's completely normal to be upset by such a question, by definition it's hard to avoid feeling awkward. If you're there in the moment suddenly dealing with your own personal upset-ness, things are bound to be awkward. I'd just try to ground myself in the moment as best as possible to work through my own feelings and move on.

One thing to consider is that if you say "No" and change the subject vs. "no" and offer an explanation, I think this is equivalent to setting a boundary vs. inviting a connection. Awkward as it may be, people really respond to humaness and maybe that is why she asked you "why."

Being pregnant, I'm in the same boat as Ellen. (One day I had three people ask me if I was due soon and I had 3 months to go!) I'm getting to the point where I feel inclined to just start educating people about the whole issue. (Many people just don't know how to behave about it or what a pregnant woman looks like.) I just haven't figured out how to do it in a gentle manner-- although in another month or so I might just get away with the crazy hormonal pregnant woman scenario. Anyway, I usually just smile or laugh and tell how much I have left to go. Sigh.

And I'm with everyone else in saying that I have not noticed any difference in your photos. You always look fantastic and deliciously unique.

Sihaya

Veteran

Sorry, I couldn't help but respond. Kristen - I about fell of my chair laughing with your responses. I"m going to keep them handy. Patience - thank you. I'm just good at hiding it in photos - which is great to know.