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Registry Guilt

Kristin L

Veteran

Is it normal to feel a bit guilty putting together a gift registry? I'm working on starting DF's and mine, but I feel a more than little awkward asking for gifts. I know that our guests will like it because it'll help them (I've always found them useful). I also know that when my friends have gotten married, I wanted to give them something to start their new life together (even if they were living together before). But something still feels weird about putting this together.

Is this normal? And if you've felt the same way, how did you deal with it? Thanks!

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33 replies

Latest reply was from DonnaF

Beth Ann

Veteran

Absolutely normal. As a guest, I appreciate registries in several places, so I can shop a store I use regularly. I also appreciate registries that include a wide range of items, at many price points. This makes it more likely I can find a helpful gift in my price range, and a gift that I make a connection with, too. In other words: bigger registries don't seem greedy, they offer choices.

Hope that helps!

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Putting our wedding registry together was the only time in my life when I didn't feel guilty asking for gifts! It was just such fun to run around the store with the barcode scanner or add stuff online. I never expected to get 100% of what I was asking for. Like Beth Ann says, it's about providing options at a variety of price points so guests feel like they can get you something you want and that they like too.

viva

Veteran

I got married ages ago, and it may have been the only time in my life that I had a little hippie in me .. I lived much more simply then. Although we got married at a country club (it was Connecticut after all!), I put on my makeup wearing a Bob Marley t-shirt, and my wedding dress (which was lovely) was made by an elderly Italian seamstress (who worked in her living room) for $300.
Ah...those were the days!
I hated putting together a gift registry! HATED. It seemed so self-centered, so gauche, so grabby. So I was extremely limited in the registry I made.
And guess what? We received SEVERAL crystal decanters and other completely useless things that people never should have put their money into. I have never, and will never, have a life that supports crystal decanters. (DH and I don't even drink.)
K, the moral of the story is this: create a registry, and do it with care. Let people know how they can really help you begin your married life as you want to. As Laura and Beth Ann said, choose items that you love across a variety of price points, and don't forget to put in a couple of spendy special things that you simply do not have the budget for. Your guests need and want to bring or send a gift, and this will help them use their money wisely.
As a wedding guest, I love to have options from a registry -- and I love to know that what I am giving is something the couple will really love.
Do it, and try to let go of any bad feelings. You should really enjoy this and all aspects of the pre-wedding time!

minimalist

Veteran

Here's another angle: some stores offer you a post-wedding discount on anything you registered for but didn't receive as a present. In that case, you're not asking for presents, just opting-in for a discount on something you're thinking of buying.

Many social practices around Big Life Events are pretty weird, if you think about them enough. So it's not surprising that some of them feel weird. A barn-raising or a quilting bee would feel like a more organic way of the community getting a couple started in their new life-phase. But those probably wouldn't help you much, so registering for gifts that your friends can buy at their convenience and budgetary discretion is the closest most of us can get.

JAileen

Veteran

When we got married years ago, we didn't register. My mother told me several guests were really annoyed that we hadn't. They wanted to give us something that we wanted and needed, but had no idea. When you register, you're not asking for gifts, you're just helping those who want to give you gift.

Kristin L

Veteran

Thanks Beth Ann, Laura, Viva, Amy and JAileen! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's felt this way about it.

Thanks for the advice about making sure I have things in a range of price points. Thanks for sharing your experience Viva. I look at what DF and I ready have and while it's almost all hand-me-down and mismatch, to me it still works. Thanks for the tip on putting a few nicer things up. i would have never thoguht of that.

I didn't know about the discounts for things left on the registry Amy. Thanks for the heads up!

viva

Veteran

DH and I laugh every now and then about how much sooner we would have had nice cooking pots if we had only been smarter with the registry, and I had been less offended by the practice. Instead, we waited until we had been married 15 years and then bought all our own All-Clad.

Isabel

Veteran

I don't if it is normal...I have never done one. BUT as a person who uses them frequently, I can only say THANK YOU for putting one together.

: )

MsMary

Veteran

You're not asking for gifts. You are just stating your preferences for people who already are excited to give you gifts and want to please you! No guilt needed!

Diana

Veteran

Totally normal. I went through this as well so here are my thoughts:
-First, a lot of people will INSIST on giving you a gift whether or not you have said you want them. I can't stress this enough. So you shouldn't feel guilty about this. Older generation folks especially seem to feel like it is only proper and they get upset if there is no registry. People started bugging us about our registry around when bridal shower invites went out. Other people feel that they should send a gift even if they can't make it to the wedding. As a guest, I appreciate having a registry to choose from. It makes the shopping and shipping super easy and convenient and you know it's something they actually want.
-Speaking of which, shopping off the registry will automatically ship to your address, which is great if you are having an out of town wedding like I did. We emphasized over and over again that people should not bring actual gifts to the wedding because we'd have to ship them home and that would be a pain. I think almost everyone complied, which was very nice (we got some jewelry and money in person and that was all).
-We had a few different options (Macy's, Williams Sonoma, and Crate and Barrel) at different price points so people could give a gift in line with their budget. Remember that if you have a shower a lot of people will get the cheaper gifts off the registry for that too. You can also add gift cards in any amount to your registry which is a nice option for people to choose their amount.
-We didn't have one, but Amazon allows you to make a registry list, which means you can add pretty much anything under the sun to your registry. (shoes? handbags? I knew a couple who had video games on theirs...)
-We also had a charity registry. We used the I Do Foundation, which sets up a page for you where you can choose charities that you would like people to donate to (we chose the American Cancer Society). They have almost all the big national charities and a whole bunch of regional ones. I found that most of the people who chose this option were of the younger generation. Like I mentioned above, older folks seem to feel like it's not right to not give a gift. Some people also gave a donation AND a small gift.
https://www.idofoundation.org/
-We got a bunch of cash/checks as gifts too, but this is a traditional Chinese thing. Depending on the makeup of your guest lists, this may or may not be a faux pas.

Diana

Veteran

PS - A lot of stores have registry events for couples. We went to the Crate and Barrel one and it was great. I actually really did not want to go, but J. insisted and it turned out to be fantastic. They open the store early for the couples and give you the scanner. I think you can download an app to your phone and use it as a scanner too. There are product demos and staff on hand to answer questions. It was nice to have the run of the store without tons of other customers around, and was quite fun too.

ramya

Veteran

I told no gifts out right. But it didn't even deter my best friends. And other good friends. My BFF stepped in and actually got people to buy me stuff that were of use to me. I still miss my microwave oven that my BFF selected. It was my dream oven.

Peri

Veteran

The only gift registry that ever offended me was one that included things like a gift card to Ann Taylor. Asking for clothes as a wedding gift! I still can't get over that.

Traditional "set up your house" registries are helpful. People always have a choice, so no guilt necessary.

Classically Casual

Veteran

If you share an activity, such as camping, I'd consider including those types of items as well.

Gaylene

Veteran

I think a registry makes sense because it makes gift giving much easier for both parties. But, I've got to say that I get a bit taken aback by some of the items I've seen on some lists. I think, as long as you think of the givers as well as your own wants when you put together your registry, having one is a thoughtful way for you to help people express their happiness at your wedding. To me that means selecting items at a variety of prices, but also being careful to think of items that will suit the givers as well as yourself.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

You'll get something anyway, why not make sure it is something you really like or need? That way both sides are happy - you and the giver.

April

Veteran

K, I think registries makes sense when you're a young couple starting out. They only become a little odd/ unseemly/ in questionable taste when both members of the couple are deep into adulthood, have lived on their own for many years, are well established in their careers and lifestyles, and are way past the point where they could be considered to be "setting up housekeeping." At that point, one would have to feel sheepish about setting up a registry. But for younger couples, it's definitely a kindness and convenience for the guests.

I love Diana's idea about including charity suggestions as well.

anne

Veteran

I can relate to so much of what Viva said!! (down to the $300 wedding dress!)

I was uncomfortable with a registry (particularly because I hated those little cards to go with the invites) and thought I'd go with the old fashioned list at my mums (but very general, no colours specified etc). But not many people asked her and then we had no idea what they had chosen anyway.

We ended up with 11 decorative glass platters and no saucepans. Although a registry would have been very hard for us to do practically because we lived in a different country and very returning to Oz to marry, I would have done one if we were to repeat the whole thing again!

So I am totally pro registry and always appreciate it as a guest. And I've seen registries that had great low cost items that wouldn't have occurred to me - like board games and christmas decorations.

Go for it K!

Anonymous

Even with the registry, you will still have people gift you some weird set of towels in a frightening color -- probably regifting something they got for their wedding 20 years earlier! Appreciate the registry. No guilt.

Kristin L

Veteran

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. I think I need to remember that we aren't asking for things, just giving advice if someone wants to get us something.

@Alicat - I'm kind of excited to see what off the wall gifts we get. If nothing else, they'll make for great family stories.

@Anne - i would have never thought of more holiday decorative things. Thanks for the tip!

@Diane - I love the idea of putting a charity to donate to on my wishlist. I'm going to have to research a few local ones and get the word out.

MsMary

Veteran

Please don't put registry cards in the wedding invitations!! No, no, no!! Shower invitations, yes, because the whole point of a shower is gifts. Wedding, invitations, no.

That is too close to asking for gifts (at least in the U.S.)!! The registry is there to have something to which to refer people who ask about gift preference.

Gaylene

Veteran

Whoa, I AM out of the loop regarding today's weddings. I'm stunned that people would put registry cards in wedding invitations! And I thought asking for clothing and handbags was way out there. Times sure have changed!

minimalist

Veteran

I suspect that registry cards might be a regional thing, like cash bars and that other topic that's banned on a lot of North American wedding forums.

Where I spent much of my life before moving to the U.S., it was customary in some circles to print a piggy bank on invitations indicating cash preferred. I cringed every time I saw it, and I'd be pretty horrified to receive an invitation with registry cards, but there might be areas where registry cards are expected.

Diana

Veteran

I've never seen a registry card in any invitations I've received, and I certainly did not put one in mine. What we (and everyone else) did was put that info on our wedding website, to which we had a link in our invites. Everyone found it just fine that way.

To be fair, the registries that have clothing and shoes probably have them because they were used for the shower as well. Nobody bothers to make a separate shower registry any more.

And, K., the most off the wall gift we got was actually a shower gift. It was a DIET BOOK. For reals. It's currently in our cookbook shelf and we will probably keep it forever because it makes for a hilarious story.

Mander

(website)

Veteran

I'm pretty easygoing with this kind of thing. I figure if someone puts in on their registry it's something that they need or really really want, even if it's not a traditional "wedding" item. For example, I could imagine the Ann Taylor request as being to buy a new interview suit as the bride is going to graduate from college just after the wedding, or the couple is moving to a new place, etc etc. I suppose it depends on the couple but you tend to know whether they are just being greedy or trying to steer their guests' gift-giving desires into something that is practical for them.

For this reason even ostensibly tacky practices like the "dollar dance" (where you pay a dollar to dance with the bride for a few turns) make sense in some cases. One of my uncles orchestrated this at my younger cousin's wedding, and as everyone knew they were struggling financially and had a baby on the way it was an entertaining way to slip them a little bit of extra cash. And, well, we are a rather, uh, "down home country" family. So a few redneck practices seemed entirely normal!

And honestly I greatly prefer it if all the wedding-related info comes to me in one envelope. Much harder for me to lose track of it that way, and not everyone has a website! I think that every invitation I have ever received had some kind of gift or registry information. I have never felt pressured to give a gift that was more valuable than I could afford.

We put gift information in our wedding invitations -- we really wanted to emphasize that no gifts were necessary but since we knew that people would want to get us something anyway we asked for gift cards from a handful of stores. Bridal showers are not a British custom, so all of our UK guests would have brought gifts to the wedding if we hadn't said otherwise. In our case my family was flying over from the US, we got married on the other end of the country from where we were living, we don't have a car so we travelled by train, and we were still living in a tiny student flat with no immediate plans to move. So it really made no sense for people to try and stuff gifts into their suitcases (in addition to paying for the trip in the first place!) or give us things that we couldn't take home on the train or fit into our flat.

And even though individually people generally gave us about £10-20 worth of gift cards, collectively we were able to buy all the necessary appliances for our house a few years later with them. It was what we truly needed but of course we could not have put a stove and refrigerator on a registry list, nor could we have stored them for 3 years waiting for the eventual opportunity to move.

Anonymous

Don't feel guilty! Think of it as doing your guests a huge favor if they want to give a gift. I'm one of those guests who Always Sticks to the Registry. My sister and my BFF are the only people who have gotten off-registry gifts from me, just because I knew their likes/dislikes/wants/needs so well. Even for my close friends, I can't assume that I am perfectly attuned to what they find useful.

I agree with many of the comments above. Even with a registry, DH and I still received some gifts that were off the mark and just didn't fit our lifestyle and preferences at all. But for 10 long years, I felt too guilty to get rid of them and thought *maybe* we'd use them someday, so they sat in our basement taking up space until DH decided he'd had enough. I still feel bad about that. Meanwhile, the very utilitarian things we registered for (like potholders) are still going strong and get used every day.

rachylou

Veteran

Ohmigosh, I can't remember. How do people find out where you're registered without the internet? What's the proper way? (I'm losing it in my old age!)

Anyhoo, the guilt is right and proper. It should move you to list items at all price points.

Also, don't forget, weddings are a contact sport. It's not just about the shame of the bride and groom working it for all it's worth - it's also about the shame of the guests ripping the bride and groom's tastes to shreds. OMG, I can't stand it. I love weddings. They're so much fun.

You. Must. Register.

MsMary

Veteran

The proper way is via word of mouth. You ask the bride or groom or a family member or member of the wedding party. I do think wedding web sites with that info are handy!

Kristin L

Veteran

Don't worry MaryK. There will be no mention on my invitations about the registry. That's not something the people in my family do. My guilt was more along the lines of justifying asking for things if they want to give DF and I a gift.

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