Problems of an over dresser... - YouLookFab Forum

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Problems of an over dresser...

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I am attending a casual outdoor wedding tomorrow of my husband's best friend and was told that I am not allowed to look better than the bride on her wedding day.... aaaaghhh.... so sick of this woman using me to beat herself up because she doesn't like her weight and feel good in her own skin...this is her wedding so I am sucking it up , but who knows if I will succeed in dressing down enough... Hoping a t-shirt and broomstick skirt are gonna be casual enough.....Outside of their kids we are literally the only guests as, they don't want a big deal made of this, so it becomes about everybody, but the two of them..

My husband's best friend is part of this whole thing cause he doesn't like the way she reacts to it...He even asked me last night, if I got my hair done for the wedding... I got it done for my DS's high school graduation!

Next time they are rude enough to pick at me about how I dress I am going to call them out on their rudeness and ask them to knock it off.... I want to ask them how they would feel if I told them they didn't dress well enough to hang out with us.. It would be equally as rude! Sorry just really needed to vent after a humilitating experience where I was shown the very plain Old Navy dresses of her daughters and her own hi-low navy printed dress from Cato so I would know how not to out do the bride...

DH wants to show up in a full suit, LOL..

Would appreciate any wisdom here of how to approach this for the future as, it will happen again! Don't want it to come out sideways due to enduring this for too long and having let it continue for longer than I should have...

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26 replies

Latest reply was from TraceyLiz65

lyn*

(website)

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I have no words of wisdom for you. I used to be sad I don't get invited to a lot of weddings, and my dad said it's because I dress too nicely - "Why would someone invite you if you'll out dress the bride?" - Maybe it's kind of the same thing except that they did invite you?

Lyn D.

Veteran

I would dress even MORE carefully than usual to thumb my nose at these people!
I say stick to the 'casual outdoor attire' but make it FABULOUS

Deborah

Veteran

Love Lyn's advice:). Tracey I have been the receiver of backhanded comments similar to this in the past, so I think I know how you feel. And you have worked hard to get fit and healthy and look great in your clothes so it's almost hurtful when someone is so dismissive of who you are. I say dress for the occasion but dress to your usual standard. I'm sorry she has such a low sense of self worth but you "dressing down" isn't going to make her feel any better about herself. I would also just encourage you to keep responding to her with grace and compassion, she is obviously really struggling with herself.

crutcher

Veteran

I would (seconding Deborah's words) wear what I would usually wear to a wedding...These people are not going to be happy with you regardless of how you dress..Fact of life, just accept it...I definitely would not involve them in any discussion where they could see that this had bothered me...Sometimes the best offense is just plowing on and ignoring the obvious..You know your strengths and worth...you set your standards...don't give this power to those who are not worthy of it...

Kim

Veteran

For this one day I'd try and respect the bride's wishes, but I'd be having a talk with her another time. It's her day and whatever her body issues are we all know that we all have them. A wedding is going to bring that out in spades! She may be even more stressed than usual. So, I might not show up in jeans but I wouldn't wear a cocktail dress either, especially since you are the only guests! You're already going to stand out! LOL A summer dress (or the broomstick skirt is pretty casual too) and sandals would probably be my choice, with little jewellry (if any).

I realize that they are behaving rudely, I'm just trying to think of it from their side, (for this one day) and wonder if stress is not a factor?

Vildy

Veteran

I definitely feel no one should endeavor to outshine the bride (buy hey, Pippa's bum) but since it's her day, she should not waste it making a close assessment of other females there. So she's doing herself in and a guest should be pleasantly, respectfully dressed and enjoy her share of food, drink and dancing. You can't stop her from feeling anxious about you/herself no matter what you wear, so let the problem rest with her.

Eliza

Veteran

I feel sad for this bride. Obviously, her focus is better placed on loving what she is wearing, rather than fearing your attire. The "sample dress" options experience tops them all. Once one has played with style and is as far along as you are, even the simplest outfit can be compelling. A "plain" dress that fits well can be quite a statement! I'd dress minimalist and understated, so that if there was a complaint it would be hard to articulate. I'd also be extra supportive of the bride and very celebratory of their big day.

Best to you. It is a shame to forfeit the good vibes and potential friendship of your only wedding guests. Those of us who "know" you here realize what she is missing.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

This is a tough situation for you, Tracey, and hurtful. I guess you can't really opt out of the relationship with this woman because it is your husband's best friend.

For the wedding, I would be yourself -- respecting their wishes to a degree. In other words -- yes, a casual outdoor dress, nothing fancy or overdone. (I don't think you would want to do that anyway). But not sloppy. Maybe something like what you might wear on a casual Saturday of shopping or something. I would wear a colour that makes you feel happy.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Thanks, I truly feel like I am in a no win situation...
This is especially hard for the bride as this is wedding #4. She's a woman who has experienced sexual abuse as a child and wants nothing more than to be loved. In the past she's jumped into marriages quickly. This time it's a 4 year relationship in which she has had some struggles and with counseling come out the other side. Still, it has to be scary to take this plunge, yet again.

It's a few hours away and my anxiety is off the charts as I wish to cause no harm and after she told me that "there is no way , you won't look better than me." I can't help, but worry... My DD went through my entire closet with me until 2am laughing at the situtation and realizing how tough this really was after I showed her the dresses online for the daughters...I'm still second guessing myself, which is totally freaking me out, I am after all of women of great confidence . How did I get here????.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I think it is partly because you empathize with her -- you know how bad she feels and at the same time don't want to put yourself back into the dark place.

It is so sad she is focused on how she looks on this day. Of course we all want to look "nice" on our wedding day but I remember being far more focused on the commitment I was making and on making sure I spoke with all our guests and made them feel as welcome as I could.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I just changed the outfit to a different shirt and am much more confident and now feeling much better about this.... Now to shower and paint my toe nails...I can't beileve the sense of calm I now feel... thanks to you all for letting me vent... For your compassion and making me feel less crazy....Pray that this feeling holds and that toxic feeling doesn't come back on the 30 minute drive to see them....

Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

(website)

Veteran

TraceyLiz, when I read your post detailing this woman's life, I find I don't feel sorry for this woman at all. Many of us have had some very hard knocks in life - but most us don't use that to emotionally manipulate others into getting our own way.

There is so much great advice already given here! My advice (what I would do): The person whose feelings I think you should consider, are your husband's - because this is his best friend. Ask him what he would like you to do. And then - even if you don't like the answer- shrug, and do it. There is plenty of time after this wedding to pick your battles, and establish some boundaries with these people. But... I would be impeccably groomed, manicured in neutral colors, flawless, understated makeup, and shiny hair. Then, even if you wear a trash bag, you will feel beautiful and confident. Just make sure your trash bag is clean and pressed and polished

You shouldn't second-guess yourself, because you already know: you are never going to be able to please this woman. But you can make things go a little smoother for your husband, and his best friend.

And snaps to your DD for laughing it up! I hope she was able to take away some of your stress, if only for a couple of hours

Mochi

Veteran

I'm not sure why you're going to the wedding. You seem to not like these people.

The bride definitely sounds insecure, but it IS her day. If this would make her feel better, could you comply? It's just one day.

I don't mean to sound mean about it, but that would seem like the sanest way to approach it, if you really do plan on attending.

xoxo

(Edited to add that I didn't read the discussion, so there may be other information that would add more background...sorry if I'm missing something)

MsMary

Veteran

It seems like you're all sorted and have probably left, but I've been thinking about this and if I were in your shoes, just this once I would do my very best to dress down as much as possible, and make myself as plain as plain can be, just for one day. I'd forego makeup and have my hair as simple as possible. I would consider it my wedding gift to the bride.

After that, I don't know that I'd spend time with this couple any more. I know her husband is your husband's best friend, but that doesn't mean you are required to subject yourself to bad behavior directed at you. Let the guys get together on their own. Yes, you let it go on for a long time but I think you are entitled to draw a line in the sand and say "enough!"

Jules

Veteran

I understand there's a whole context/history here, but I actually think it's better that she told you how she feels on this matter. It's an honour to be invited to this small family wedding and I think it would have been more small-minded and petty for her to leave you out. By showing you the dresses she is wearing she hopefully made it easier for you to choose something "appropriate" for her desires rather than just floundering about in your closet wondering why this is your problem.
In the future perhaps you can have a heart-to-heart about why your appearance is such a bee in her bonnet and whether you can help her focus on herself if she wants to improve her style. But this is after all her wedding, don't make it any more about you than she already is. You are the healthy and happy person in this situation, you can transcend it and hopefully enjoy the day which sounds hard-won for her.

Anonymous

I am going to be very frank. I look really great. I am 57 and not saying that I look great as a 57 yo, but just look great. I am not ashamed of that at all. I am proud, because I take care of myself. I care enough to eat well, exercise, and learn about makeup and dressing well (that is why I am on this site). If someone feels threatened by that then she need lots of help. My true friends do not feel threatened by me. We support each other. My friends have asked me to help them with their makeup and clothing choices and I many times ask for their advice and opinions.

So my advice is not to lower yourself to their standards, but try to raise them to your own standards. And if they don't want to, you have no obligation to change for their sake.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Home now and everything went well... a very nice ceremony at a city park with the groom's brother officiating, then I coordintated a fabulous photo shoot of the blended family and she greatly appreciated how I took over her vision.... Just glad it went well!

I love them both and will definitely have to make sure to have a conversation to fix this as MaryK's wise advice to just allow the guys to hang out won't really work....Umder different circumstances I would do exactly as MaryK suggested!!!!

My husband works long hours and his free time is very limited , so it's a standing double date night every other Saturday (when his friend
doesn't have his kids) otherwise these guys wouldn't see each other. After the loss of my husband's brother, four years ago, this freindship is truly a soothing bond much like what he had with his brother.... I will do anything to keep this bond strong for DH!

In truth this really is my own fault for allowing it to go on so long. It is unusual for me to have done so, but with the friendship growing strong right after his brother's death, it makes sense that I didn't rock the boat then. I think there is a foundation strong enough for me to have that tough talk with her. I am grateful this situation happened as it certainly brought if forward to force me to deal with it.

I greatly appreciate the support here and can not even tell you how calming I felt after reading these!!!!!! thank you!!!!

Adelfa

Veteran

Tracey, I am tearing up reading about how you will do anything to keep this friendship strong for your DH. I am sure that you will find a way to do that that is good for you and for everybody else. So much love--you will find a way.

Deborah

Veteran

Tracey glad to check in here and see all went well. Will you be posting what you wore for us? Relationships like this are difficult and I wouldn't blame yourself too much. Sometimes it is a matter of waiting until the 'right' time to really address the issue and start speaking openly about it with the person. Timing can be everything:) And change can take time. And the fact that you catch up so regularly means you have the opportunity to really start builidng on the foundation you have laid. You can gently start to get more real with her. You have the opportunity to build her up and encourage her and help her to see herself through God's eyes, that she is fearfully and wonderfully made, valuable and of great worth. I think you have been put in her life for a reason

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Deb. funny you should say that as that has been my approach lately... I have been complimenting her about Everything I can think of and telling her to be kinder to herself...

My camera battery died and needed recharging or I would have done so, already....

Echo

Veteran

It sounds like the wedding went well, and it sounds like everyone was comfortable with how you dressed. In many situations I would encourage someone to be themselves, but dressing down more than you might normally was probably the best call for this particular occasion.

But you cannot pretend to be who and what you are not forever, so a discussion is definitely in order. You are taking a great approach by complimenting this woman and working to build her confidence, and you are such a caring person to foster this friendship for the sake of your DH. But she needs to get to the point where she understands that how you choose to dress has no bearing on her whatsoever. How you dress will never change who she is, and until she is comfortable in her own skin she will feel threatened by superficial things like style of dress. I really have no doubt, though, that you have a deeper understanding of her and the dynamics of her thinking, and that you will be able to discuss this in a compassionate way. Best of luck.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Echo thank you so much , the support means a lot more than I can ever say!

Anonymous

I just saw a show on Maya Angelou. " Prepare yourself so that you can be a rainbow in someone else's cloud." Be the rainbow in this woman's cloud.

Glory

Veteran

Just reading through this and you have been a wonderful friend to her and so wonderfully supportive of your husband! Indeed the rainbow!

KikiG

Veteran

About complementing: This can have the opposite effect. My ex had a great deal to say about my appearance, and most of it was actually nice. The problem was the judging, not that the results of the judgment were positive.

With this woman's background, it may be that saying nothing to her about her appearance is the better choice, because it won't trigger her insecurities. I hope you do find the right words to help her know that she is hurting your feelings about her comments about how you look.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

A good point Kiki, and needs to be judged on an individual basis... She seems to take the compliments well. I am highly intuitive and will look closely for any signs of what you suggested.

Joy and Glory, I agree with being a rainbow, which is why I have to be careful in how I approach the much needed talk, since I've allowed it to continue to the point of resentment....

Lara, I believe very much in the saying going around Pinterest, "Don't let anyone dull your sparkle" and will continue just being me whenever I go out...Her now husband is doing a fabulous job of shopping for her and she has some wonderful new clothes now that he is back to work and making good money after breaking all the bones in his feet and out of work for 8 months.. Every paycheck he is picking things out for her... Apparently she even asks him every morning what to wear to work and is trying to make more an effort for herself... so perhaps this change will help the situation....