I have a rule from living in the ghetto where everyone looks dangerous, either guilty of something or crazy: there is no such thing as preemptive justice. Don’t call the police and don’t shoot until you’ve witnessed personally an actual crime. Because the police always shoot first. If the person was innocent, then guess who’s the criminal? That’s right: Me.

Rachylou, is this what you are referring to? https://docs.google.com/docume.....nBqto/edit I strongly agree with it; there are many things we can do to build up our civil society in the US rather than call the police, which can be just as awful as you say. I don’t think the same is true of reporting spam posts. For one thing, this is a private website, not civil society. But beyond that, alerting them might, at its most drastic, remove someone from the forum. So I guess you could call that “forum death” if you want to, but it is nowhere near as drastic as the real thing.

Lisa, after the incredible success of the “for dummies” books series, I assumed most people recognize that as an off handed, somewhat tongue-in-cheek way to refer to oneself and others in a similar low-knowledge position. I do agree with you that it is offensive to label other people that way (which is why most of us stop doing it in third grade). I am glad to hear that you are welcoming of people who are here to learn. On your other point, there is only one person who sends me the messages you mention, but seeing as Angie says it is fine for her to do so and I shouldn’t call her out publicly, the notion that this is a snuggly place where everyone is warm and welcome is disproved. If that was the kind of place Angie wanted, she would firmly reprimand this individual, and remove her from the forum for continuing, or find some other way to insist that no one play that way in her house. She has made it clear that she doesn’t care. So yeah, when people get warm and fuzzy about how safe this corner is, that person’s permission to send me those messages immediately comes to mind.

That’s a rather alarming comparison, Rachylou.

I have difficulty envisioning Angie and Greg adopting a “shoot first, ask questions later” approach to someone whose post has been reported by a YLF forum member. We aren’t talking about criminal behavior here, but how intentional discourtesy and insensitivity can dissuade people from participating on the forum.

I’m also getting a bit tired of “frankness” being used to camouflage sniping. I’m thinking this might mean it’s time for me to move away from the forum.

Gaylene, fwiw, I far prefer plain talk when an outfit I post has a problem. My son had to learn this. When I first started asking him how I looked, he would always work to find a compliment. I eventually told him that if there was something wrong with what I was wearing, I much prefer to hear it from him than go out into the world that way. I feel the same about the forum. As much as I appreciate the kudos when I put together an outfit well, i also want to hear when someone thinks one isn’t working. I take those comments the same way I do my son’s: look at what they are talking about and decide if it matters to me. Maybe it does and I change it. Maybe it doesn’t, but then I’m aware that some people might have that issue with it. That’s good too.

Gaylene, I agree that the metaphor is deeply flawed. Let's take a step back here. We are talking about reporting or responding to sketchy forum posts, not criminal behavior.

But hey, look, if someone wanted to sow distrust and poison the well of a mostly-peaceful community, they are succeeding. Let's not have quality veteran forum participants abandon ship to let the trolls take over, please. I would think we could point out forum mischief and encourage good participation without fighting and accusing.

FI, I'm going to just come out and say this. Some of your comments here are quite passive-aggressive. I don't know specifics of who or what has gotten you upset, and I'm sorry you feel wronged, but I've seen you talk about off-forum discussions before, and that's just not cool. If it's off-forum, it's for a reason. If you have a beef with someone, please take it off of here.

This thread prompted me to finally put a picture in my profile, after 6 years!

This is a good reminder as I am also prompted to look at my profile and update it a bit. I'm still thinking about the photo of me. I don't think Jett will mind too much if my image replaces hers. She sleeps most of the time anyway.

Before I came here I belonged to another fashion forum that eventually had to close down because of unnecessary harassment of posters. First it went completely private, then the owners just quit. It has been so great to come here where it feels so much safer, yet I still learn so much.

Janet, I was going to say the same as your last paragraph. And no, FI, that is not “nice”.
Angie works incredibly hard to set a supportive and friendly tone. She’s on vacation right now. Please, let her enjoy it. Let’s stop calling posters out for whatever has happened privately between you.

Also a reminder that the “block” button exists if there’s someone we don’t want to see or interact with.

“Forum mischief” is a good way to put it, Janet. Places snippy comments and backbiting in its proper context!

Seriously, though, I do think that “plain speaking” needs to be accompanied by a modicum of sensitivity when we are dealing with a diverse community of ages and cultures. It’s possible to convey a different perspective by making it clear the thought is just my opinion—nothing more and nothing less, (2) not assuming others will agree with me (as witnessed by heads probably shaking at this very moment ) and (3) avoiding unflattering labels, passive aggressive comments, and less than positive assumptions about people I’ve never met in real life.

YLF has been a lovely diversion for the past decade and I’d love to feel that new members can experience the friendship and support I’ve experienced here.

Could someone explain the "block" button to me, please? The blocked user can still see your posts and replies, but the blocked users posts are hidden from YOU? Or am I wrong about that? Could this future need a tweak?

I am saddened by the negative turn this thread has taken. No matter your feelings about what has been written up-thread, please refrain from adding new comments so that this post can slip off the page and disappear.

Synne, I can't figure out that it does any good at all.

Janet, I came back to add an eta, but your comment picks up the same point, so I'll add it as a reply. This person is really interesting. Her pattern of thinking is skew to mine. It is really fascinating. Understanding what she is talking about can be really hard sometimes, because I will think she is on a straight trajectory from point A to B to C, and she will go nowhere near C, and wind up somewhere I've never heard of. I don't mean to say that she has no logic. I'm sure she does, and when it is explained to me, whole new areas open up, so it is great when I can figure out not just how she made that journey but lots of other things that could come from that same way of approaching things. Not being able (per her request and Angie's support of it) to ask her directly what she's talking about means I either try 50 other ways to get at the point through back and forth with other people, or I just let it go. I don't do either of those consistently. I like her just fine, am sorry my questions drive her crazy, don't see what she has against me. All I can figure out is that one way our thinking is different is that when I see something I don't understand, I want to figure it out, she is apparently one of the many people to whom "different" and "interesting" mean "ew, stay away". There have been a couple go-rounds of her writing to tell me to go away, me continuing to not interact, then just as I wonder if it's getting better, she does it again. I don't know why she doesn't like me. But the girl who lived near us in fifth grade who was always mysteriously pissed off at me has now sent me a friend request on Facebook, so maybe there is hope.

Kari, what is it that you don't find nice? It's strange to hear someone call me passive aggressive. I tend to say exactly what I mean. If I say something is "nice", you don't need to read any snitty or rotten tone of voice into it--I mean it's nice. When I say "fascinating", I mean it is compelling and makes a person want to dig in and understand it. I use "different" and "interesting" as per their dictionary definitions as well, not as some kind of insult--was in my 30s before I understood that people use them that way.

Whatever is going on in private, I think it is extremely inappropriate and drama-inciting to call this person out on a public thread, especially if you say Angie has asked you not to.
I’m asking you to stop it. I am not going to argue about this.
Carla has asked us to let this thread go. Please, let’s do that.