Perfectionism: neurotic or necessary to fabness? - YouLookFab Forum

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Perfectionism: neurotic or necessary to fabness?

catgirl

Veteran

Rolling up the cuffs on my slouchy jeans obviously made a huge difference in the look. It made me realize I often don't stop to "perfect" an outfit. Also, I have often settled for good enough in the past. And that (among many other factors like lack of time, lack of skill, lack of energy... yeah yeah) probably holds me back from putting together killer-worthy looks every day.

On the other hand I feel like the quest to be or look or feel perfect is usually doomed to end in failure and can make us too hard on ourselves - like always needing to have on makeup to feel presentable, or not wearing certain items because we're not skinny/young/tall/petite/etc enough.

This is also tying into my quest to get fit - I'm trying to make it about health and fun rather than weight and self-esteem. But it's hard not to fall back into the trap of "if I only lost X pounds, I'd be that much closer to perfect.

What do you think? Should we aim for perfect? What's the difference between perfect and K2K? I'd love to hear thoughts...

General

27 replies

Latest reply was from keruchina

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

I think perfection is unattainable really. Just think about it: if everything is perfect it means there is no room for improvement and there is nowhere to move after that.
I never aim for perfection but I try to do as well as I can. When I dress I have to like what I come up with. There may be a better, more perfect variation of my outfit but if I like it now it is good enough for me. I do pay attention to details though because often they make or brake the outfit.
It was not always like that, I was more of a perfectionist before and it drove me crazy with anxiety at times. It all changed when I had a talk with a naturopath.and she asked me why it is so important for me to be the best. to be perfect. It was like the penny dropped and I suddenly realized that I don't need to be perfect, I don't need to prove anything to anybody. That made my life much easier.
Hmmm, I did a lot of rumbling here. Sorry, sometimes I find it really hard to express my thoughts in writing

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Oh boy Una...you have hit a chord for me with this post. For so much of my life, I have aimed for perfection in EVERYTHING. And all it got me was a lifelong battle with food and my body from stress eating. Over the last few years I have decided to strive for "the best me I can be" but not perfection. I don't want to stress and fuss over every little detail, whether it be related to style, exercise, work, etc., etc. There are so many factors in life beyond our control that keep us from the achieving perfection and to aim for it every time and then not achieve it, just leads us to disappointment in ourselves. And that's not healthy.

Now I'm not suggesting we just strive for "good enough" because I don't think that's the answer either. That's something I'm working on now in relation to style - I don't want to settle anymore in terms of outfits, fit, quality of items, etc. but I don't want to stress myself out to find the absolute PERFECT blazer or dress to the point where I'm spending excess time, money and energy searching all over.

I think there's a big difference between tweaking an outfit (like cuffing your boyfriend jeans) and driving yourself nuts constantly changing this or that.

Anyway...those are my thoughts FWIW.

Aida

Veteran

Hmm I think there's an element of "practice" that's necessary, there's going to be more practice required of trickier looks (classic stuff is well documented), there's the fact that having perfect fit makes styling things DRAMATICALLY easier... I don't think you should think of it as a quest for perfection, it's all a big learning process; the fact that your tastes change, styles change, EVERYTHING changes... you would drive yourself crazy if you were going for "perfect" all the time yes?

(Not very well formed ideas, sorry, but it's late and I'm STILL at work ^^ )

Amy

(website)

Veteran

Perfectionism is one of my biggest faults. I've driven myself absolutely nuts trying to achieve goals that are just unrealistic. Like Aida said, I think too much is in flux with fashion in particular and practice helps us get better and develop skills at making fab outfits.

Remember Angie's rule: HAVE FUN!

catgirl

Veteran

Oh, Amy - I AM having fun! I was thinking the other day about all the areas in my life and how all are just delicately maintained - house, work, car, relationship, being a mom and wife, my body, etc. None are ever perfect... and I would die trying to make them so. But it would be nice if one area was under my control. And that's what perfectionism of the crazy kind is really about, right? Control?

Shannon, thank you for sharing. And Sveta, you are not rambling - I always love what you have to say!

Aida, I have to say that your perfect-fitting clothes were also food for thought in this post. That seems a good solution - if you find the perfect-fitting item, there's less to "do" somehow.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I'm not clear on what K2K means, but I think aiming for perfection is a way of holding back, if you ask me. Things can always be tweaked, improved upon, styled a bit differently - but if you're trying for perfect right out of the gate, you might not even try.

Personally I think 'good enough' is a whole lot better than not at all.

I get stumped with the perfection thing too - and all it really does is close a door.

rae

(website)

Veteran

A little of column A... a little of column B.

I don't think any outfit is ever perfect, but I know I often don't stop until I'm *happy*, unless time has run out and I need to get on the road. That's why I like to pick out my outfits beforehand. And in shopping, I'm really trying to wait for the perfect item and not buy anything that is "good enough" to fill the hole yet does not excite me.

Amy

(website)

Veteran

Una, I thought you were having fun (metallic oxfords just scream fun), but you know I'm a mom and it's hard for me to refrain from mothering people whether they like it or not, haha!

Heather

Veteran

The Devil is in the Details. You do what you have to do to make the outfit "perfect for you" AND wearable.

Let's be honest, we are never going to stay unwrinkled, unruffled, etc. all day, every single day. Do what you have to do to please yourself in the morning and attempt to maintain, but lap wrinkles happen, make up will diminish, etc.

Anonymous

I'm working hard at not expecting perfection in everything I do. I have a fear of getting in trouble for making mistakes. Sometimes it even prevents me from even trying something. Even writting posts on this forum I fear spellling errors and typos and seem to make them no matter how hard I try. As far as dressing goes I have more than once worn an outfit serveral times the same way because it was "perfect" just to suddenly see that it wasn't even close, one day I'll put the same thing on and say "what were you thinking". I guess that puts me in on the neurotic side.

anne

Veteran

I am more in the "good enough" team. I recognise some perfectionistic aspirations in myself but since I don't live up to them that way does I think lead to frustration.

I do tweak outfits, but often only up till I need to run out the door.

Prior to YLF, I was such a perfectionistic shopper I frequently came home empty handed.
I have learnt to be less so, and come home with stuff that will do (I mean it is good enough for Angie!)

LoP

Veteran

I'd say shoot for the stars and you'll end up at the moon. It is hard to achieve perfect, but we can try and do our best every day. All in all, it is a choice and it is ok to go for what works instead of what stands out.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I think it depends on who you are. For me, it ain't good. A tendency toward perfectionism (in everything) is one of my faults, and I have learned that it does not lead to happiness. So for myself in particular, I try to let it go -- to be happy with 'good enough' -- because of my tendency to nit-pick. Pixel-f***. You know. It leads me down the crazy path.

Striving for perfection might be just fine for other, more sane, people.

Kyle

Veteran

Perfectionism can be a tremendous burden and a perpetually losing proposition, because everything can always be better, so you continually miss the mark as the bar gets higher and higher. Setting attainable goals might be a better way to refine your style (which is already so great) while still keeping it fun.

Mochi

Veteran

(I didn't read any of the above comments, which I usually do, sorry...)

I adamantly am against feeling the need to be perfect (at all times--obviously special occasions and so forth would be different). And this is only for myself. But I need to be able to look into my closet and grab a few things and feel like this is a fun look and good enough. I am already OCD as it is. Also I'm hoping that all these skills and intuitive understanding of proportion, color, etc. will eventually kick in like a muscle and streamline the whole process. But still, no, last thing I myself need is something else to use as a yardstick against my feelings of not being able to achieve, at least without huge time and money investment. Dressing up for me should be easy and fun!

Nakidra

Veteran

I think it does take a bit of practice as someone said, but I also think that we're just way too hard on ourselves. Una, I glad you're having fun and dressing and styling clothes should be fun. I just think that sometimes we all take this a little too seriously, kwim? It's just clothes and we are expressing ourselves through our clothes. But when I think too much about it and get TOO into it it's enough to drive me crazy!

Queen Mum

Veteran

There is a wide expanse between "good enough" and "perfect." Somewhere in that range is a healthy balance of paying attention to the details but not becoming obsessive. That is where I strive to camp out.

Queen Mum

Veteran

Nakidra- I have to remind myself of that often. It's only clothing and who I am is much more important than all the details of my outfit. It's fun to play with the details, but at the end of the day there are much more important things to concern myself with.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

I say strive for feeling fab, not for perfection, and if you aren't having fun anymore then it's time to stop.

Besides, nothing is ever completely perfect. Yesterday I was lucky to find a "perfect dress" but then of course I proceeded to spill guacamole on it at lunch so now it's at the cleaners, LOL.

Meredith1953

Veteran

Perfectionism is so NOT me!!! I just wan to get to the point where I actually LIKE (hopefully love) what I wear. That doesn't mean it will be perfect in any way. Just that I will feel wonderful in it and it will reflect who I am on the inside.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

You start such interesting threads Una! I don't think of myself as a perfectionist at all, but would be happy to become better at putting outfits together. I think this takes practice (I was convinced by Malcom Gladwell's Outliers and other books as to this). Lots of practice. So that eventually you will just look at yourself, intuitively turn up your cuff and shazam!

jayne

Veteran

You gals start the most interesting discussions...perfectionism. Maybe the answer lies in where you are starting from. A few women here mentioned issues with perfectionism already guiding their lives. So learning to accept good enough was important for them. For me and a few others. we have come from the opposite camp. I for one, accepted a pretty imperfect weight for most of my life and learning to change that was hard. I have not gotten obsessed about it, but I find it easier for me to slip into skipping a run, or eating a cookie when I don't even want it, so being attentive is important for me. And for clothes it is the same. I guess I built a huge collection of clothes by taking 'whateveræ appealed at the time, and now that I am taking the time to learn and plan my outfits and purchases, I do think it is important to take the time to also try to style them to perfection. Thus posting here to get feedback, hoping for both a 'well done' and also honest improvement tips. I do realize I will never acheive perfection because someone will always have different taste...so perfection must be in my eyes, and not reliant totally on others. Any help!?

Kirti

(website)

Veteran

I'm a perfectionist. I obsess over creases and wrinkles, jewellery not looking 'right', whether or not I need to fold up my sleeves or cuff my pants or whatever. Even if I pick out my outfit the night before, I am getting ready till the last minute before leaving. But this also means I am usually too hard on myself when my outfit doesn't 'feel right'. Which I need to stop doing!

catgirl

Veteran

Ah, you all are so wise. I initially started thinking about this because of our cabin. We rent it with a group of others, so it's not even ours. It's only 80 miles away and a place to escape on weekends as a mini-vacation from our usual routine. Nothing in it has been updated since the 1960s, except the appliances.

Every now and then one of us, usually the women, will get an urge to DO something - like take down the avocado and harvest gold wallpaper, or rip out the orange shag carpet, or buy a set of dishes from this century. You know, make it more PERFECT. And the husbands gently remind us that this is where we go to get AWAY from that kind of stuff: the housecleaning and tweaking and upgrading. It's for wine and board games and long walks and reading and cuddling and eating forbidden junk food. And then we say "Oh, yeah, RIGHT!" with a sigh of relief, and get back to relaxing.

That's what fashion is for me to an extent - an escape from my usual, pretty stressful days of working with clients struggling with aging and death, as well as the more joyful but still exhausting routine of a regular household with small child and pets. It is more fun than I ever imagined, and I don't want to ruin it with perfectionism. But unlike the cabin, by nature looking fab requires a certain constant degree of maintenance, and being who I am (and many of you are too), I always have to check myself before I wreck myself getting caught up in details. And this, I've found, is despite my RATE style!

Jayne, I hugely appreciate your perspective, which gives balance to this discussion and is where I think a lot of women IRL are for so many reasons. I certainly was when I came to YLF. And to think I went from barely good enough to happily on the edge of neurotic in a year!

Keep commenting, ladies - this thread has been very therapeutic!

HelenInCanada

Veteran

Good analogy, Una!

Recovering neurotic over here! I think context is so important. I definitely hold a higher, more 'perfect' standard to someone who is in the fashion and image industry - professionals (stylists, fashion designers, multimillion dollar actors/performers in the public eye who can afford the best of the former, and so on - where looking absolutely flawless and smashing is rewarded in dollars and credibility!) What I've learned, style-and-fashion-wise, is that keeping the words "fun, flattering, and appropriate" in mind works for me and my life. I don't endlessly tweak anymore, because it left me feeling exhausted and disappointed with myself rather than elated and fab (the latter is how fashion is supposed to help make you feel, no?)

Marley

Veteran

I'm just too busy to strive toward perfection - in anything. It used to be a goal of mine in everything, but gradually I learned that it wasn't necessary, as well as not possible.

Now, this applies to pretty much everything except when I am taking classes or when I was in graduate school. I absolutely HAD to learn all of the material, and even a bit more - and I HAD to get all of the answers correct on the exams, and my papers HAD to be as thorough and exact as possible, etc. etc. It was exhausting - but also gave me a huge sense of satisfaction - because I felt that once I got out of graduate school and I was going to have the letters behind my name implying that I was an "expert" - then I owed it to my clients to have learned enough to score 'A's' on exams rather than 'C's.'

That is the only example I can think of where I still enforce "perfectionist standards" on myself. With fashion, I am sooooo not a perfectionist - especially in the way that I dress. I rely on my gut, rather than on the rules and I really don't care if my shirt has a few wrinkles in it or my hair is rough around the edges. However, I do try to pay attention to the little touches that take an outfit up a notch - like cuffing your jeans Una!

I admire those who do dress perfectly - but its just not in my personality to do that! The only area in fashion where I strive for perfection these days is fit. That must be perfect. All the rest - just needs to feel good on me and make me happy - that in itself makes it perfect.

keruchina

There's a really lovely book on this topic that I read recently. She differentiates between between striving for perfection (achieving which is impossible) and approaching the world from a place of worthiness and gratefulness. So many of these posts strike a chord with the themes of that book.

It seems to me that investing effort into dressing because you value or enjoy the process versus because you are trying to look "perfect" could lead to the same outcome in terms of outfits but a very different outcome in terms of how you feel.

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