OT: What to do when SO of very important person suddenly passes away?

Tanya

I have just had a most horrible phone call from my ex dance partner: his SO has passed away this weekend ! He only said it was an accident, and did not want to go into details and declined all of my offers of help. The whole phone call was 2 min short so I don't really know much. I have told him to let me know if he needs anything, offered to take time of work to come and be with him, but he declined everything, saying he has everything under control.
We are very close friends even though we do not dance together anymore. He is very young (22), sweet person who just finished college and is working his first job. He has been there for me in some really difficult times and I would like to help as much as I can, but don't really know what to do. Am in quite some shock right now and really want to do something, although I am quite aware that nothing can really help that much.
Thoughts? Is there anything I can do?

12 years ago

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10 replies

Latest reply was from Isabel

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I'm so sorry for your close friend's loss.

While it may sound a bit weird, food helps. When my friend lost her baby, her in-laws sent over a huge platter of fancy cut up fruits from a company called Edible Arrangements - it helped a lot, because when you're in a state of shock and sadness, the last thing you want to do is come up with something to eat, or go out to a restaurant. When some family friends clear across the country were dealing with their daughter's leukemia and bone marrow transplant (at the hospital all the time), my Mom and I sent a care package of nice meals from a company called "MamaLuv" (it's a Canadian company, but I'm sure there's something similar in the US?). It was a few days worth of gourmet meals that they could just heat and eat in the comfort of their own home.

So something along these lines might really help your friend feel nutured, cared-for and supported during this awful time of loss. I know that in my own experience, when I'm really upset, I don't want to eat, or don't think of it.

Does that make sense? If someone sent me some fancy soups or a couple of easy-to-heat up gourmet meals - these would really help in a time of stress, trauma or loss. It's very hard to want to cook, shop or prepare anything to eat when you're really upset. And if you're crying a whole lot, you're not going to go out to a restaurant either.

Maybe a small food basket or something like that? Or go to a place like Whole Foods yourself, and pick out some stuff, box it up and drop it off with a nice card. In fact, I think they'll put it all into a basket for you too if you ask at Customer Service.

12 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

I would continue to ask him what he needs and just let him know you will be there for him to talk, cry, vent, etc. Food is a great suggestion. On the other hand, I have a friend whose husband is terminal and they are overwhelmed with food from people that is going to waste. In your friend's case, that may not happen since he's much younger and may not have a community yet. As the shock wears off he will need company and support for sure.

12 years ago

Debbie

Veteran

One thing that I do think helps is to know that you are around and willing to help.
When someone close to me passed away the one thing that brought comfort was hand written notes. I took them out and read them over and over. Looking back I think it is the fact that someone took the time out of their day to reach out and share something about the person I lost with me.
Hope this makes sense.

12 years ago

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Sorry for being long-winded:)

My sil went into action mode when my brother died suddenly two years ago. She didn't seem to need help & was completely organised. It took her nearly six months to get over the shock & to start to talk about it. She lost a lot of so called friends during this time because she wouldn't accept any help.

I just called her every week. Sometimes we didn't talk for long but she knew I was there. We now talk often & she says the people she is closest to are the ones who let her grieve in her own way.

I would just keep gently reminding him you are there if he needs you - email him or text him every week or so. He will let you know what he needs.

12 years ago

rae

(website)

Veteran

OMG, that is such terrible news! Ack, this year with all the terrible news...

I know my experience cannot even compare to what he is going through. There has to be a lot of shock, anger, denial... I mean, the brain does not want to constantly face this reality, so it may be very hard for him to talk or ask for anything right now.

What I really appreciated in tough times was all the emails and letters that people sent. A phone call could sometimes feel demanding if all I wanted to do was escape reality, but an email can be read at any time, whenever he is ready. I also really appreciated those who followed up on their offers to talk by keeping their phones on for me and picking up when I was in a fit and really needed someone.

12 years ago

Tanya

Veteran

I would like to thank you all for your thoughtful replies! I have taken your advice to heart, it seems that it is the best to just wait till he needs some support and occasionally remind him that I am there and waiting. And send some nice food.

12 years ago

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Exactly, Tanya. He needs time to process this devastating news. Keep on checking in *without conditions*.

So sorry to hear this.
xoxo

12 years ago

Janet

(website)

Veteran

That is so sad.

I would suggest giving him some time and then checking in with him a couple of weeks from now. In the immediate aftermath of something like that, you are overwhelmed with phone calls, arrangements, etc. Things you never thought of before are suddenly issues you have to deal with, at a time when you are already in shock. Family and friends can be helpful, but well-intentioned efforts can also place additional stress on the person suffering the loss.

A week or so later, after the memorial services are over, the flower arrangements have been thrown away, and the casseroles stop coming -- THAT is when the grief can hit like a big wave, and everyone else has gone back to their lives, and the grieving can feel very alone. I know because I've been there. So please reach out to him again after all the activity has died down.

12 years ago

T-Rex

Veteran

I agree that checking in occasionally, via email or a letter, will put less pressure on him than phone calls probably would. Until, of course, he reaches a point when a phone call would be welcome. You may be able to sense that point, based on his responses to your other communication attempts. Just be sure to let him know that it is OK if he doesn't respond.

My father died a month ago, and my usual tendency to hibernate and not communicate with anyone for days at a time is even worse now. I appreciate the sympathy I have received via snail mail, facebook, etc., but I have responded to few of those messages. When a friend tried to coax me out of the house to be social, it stressed me out more than it usually would. It felt like she was trying to "fix" me. However, she means well. She took my refusals and my "maybe, but I'm not promising anything" waffling with grace, and finally dropped the subject.

If you happen to think of something specific that would help him, and which would require no effort from him, you may want to offer to do that. When my friends' daughter was terminally ill, they would often have to go out of town for treatments for several days at a time. So I and a few other friends set up a calendar where we could coordinate and share pet sitting for them whenever they were out of town. It saved them the trouble of contacting any of us individually, keeping track of who was doing what and when, and so on. Another couple of friends from out of town offered to pay for someone to mow their lawn for them. When I asked my yard guy about it, he insisted on doing it without being paid.

This is a different situation, of course. But if you happen to think of or notice something that you can do for him that would take stress off him, it might be worth offering it to him.

12 years ago

Isabel

Veteran

I am sorry to hear this.

He needs to set the tone. When my friend's husband was dying, I would text her just saying, " thinking of you" several times. That way they set the pace and don't feel obligated to respond or exert energy that they don't have.

I know that this is not the same, but I think it speaks to the topic : when I was first diagnosed with cancer, the hardest thing for me was having to support the people that I told. Some people fell apart . Your friend may not want to have to console other people right now or even face other people's reactions. He obviously wanted you to know but doesn't want to rehash it or deal with people's shock. So send him cards, text him, let him know you are thinking of him and that you are there when and if he needs you.

12 years ago

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