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OT: MOTGS, how many kids do you have?

Tricia

Veteran

I have two little girls aged 3.5 and 19 months. We thought we were done after DD2, but I've been feeling a longing to have another one lately. If we go for it, it won't be until this summer or fall, so that my oldest will be in kindergarten when the new baby comes.

I just can't decide what I want! My husband is fine the way we are, but I know he'd love to have another baby. But in the last few months since I weaned the youngest, I've been finally feeling like I'm getting a groove back, and I don't know if having another will stop that in its tracks. I feel like right now I'm walking a thin line between "hip MOTG" and "boring suburban mom" and having 3 will tip me over into the latter category. But is that really worth giving up the chance to have a new baby? I don't know!

So - how many kids do you have? How did you decide when your family was complete? And if you have more than 2, how are you handling it? Would you do anything differently if you could change it?

Thanks!

edited to add: Just for the record: I work 4 days a week and would likely keep that schedule - being a SAHM is not for me. Right now my kids go to an awesome daycare, but the oldest will be in kindy in the fall of 2011. I think we'd at least look into a nanny if we have another, otherwise the logistics might kill us.

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36 replies

Latest reply was from neva

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

I have two- almost 14 and 10. My ideas about how many I wanted have changed over time- a lot! Right after I had my first, I wanted a bunch more. Then colic set in and he just was such a handfull (he's autistic) that we didn't think we were going to have anymore. I had just about come around to wanting a second one when we found out we were unintentially pregnant. Dd had complications form her birth and spent her first three weeks in hospitals, with surgeries, and came home with a clean bill of health, but the caveat that she would be at risk for all kinds of problems down the line. We knew we were done after that.

You said that you finally feel like you're getting your groove back and don't know if having another baby will stop that. It will- no doubt about that. You never get your groove back, you have to carve a new one. Babies are wonderful things, but they are also a big risk. There are no guarantees of what is to be, or how it will change your life. It's a big decision.

Dusty

(website)

I have two - a boy who will be 5 tomorrow (*sniff sniff* how did that happen?) and a girl who will be two in a month. My ideas about how many I wanted have changed a bit over the years. Initially (before I met hubby), I wanted 0, then we decided two would be good. After my son was born, I had horrible PPD and it was about 9 months before I even thought about trying again. My PPD has been just as bad and more lingering with DD and there's no way I'm doing this again. Beyond that, though, I just felt complete after DD was born and knew we didn't really need any more (although I still cried after the hubby got "fixed" - the thought of no more tiny babies to snuggle was hard, but no more toddlers, well, I'm fine with that idea!).

rute

Veteran

Oh.. lovely stories! Thanks for sharing!
I have one girl (11years old) from my first marriage. I married again in 2008, but at 41 I feel I'm too old and we both work so many hours!

Shari

I have a 5 yo DS and stepsons who are 14 and 17. I was lucky to be able to have DS naturally. I had a high risk pregnancy that left me diabetic. We tried naturally for one more and it didn't happen. We had decided that if it happened it happened and if it didn't it didn't. Obviously if it happened it would have been super high risk and scary.

Another baby would have added a high level of stress to our house and also a big financial strain. I so adore my boy I couldn't imagine him sharing me with another child. On the other hand, I do wish I could have had one more. But I focus on being thankful for what I have.

Anonymous

DH and I waited 8 years after marriage to have children. I was happy as we were and indifferent to having babies. By the time we started, I was too old for thinking of more than one or two. We had two but the second barely made it.
Looking back I kind of wish we'd started sooner and had more. We have thoroughly enjoyed our children at every age. Teaching, I see that the children who come from larger familes are usually the most responsible and even tempered. I suppose they have to be, and children who have less material stuff are actually better for it.
Several of the families of my sons' friends included 4 children. I've heard more than once that if you have 3 you might as well have 4, for what that's worth.

Tricia

Veteran

Definitely not 4 for us! Well, technically not. We lost our first child at full term about 14 months before we had DD1, so if we have another child, I'll have had 4 full pregnancies (and 4 c-sections, which is another thing to consider).

I am confident we can handle it financially, and we both have very understanding, flexible employers, which helps. I'm more worried about how it will be a) logistically (getting everyone where they need to be when they need to be there) and b) for us as a couple, and personally (loss of time alone, etc.)

chellebrate

I like "getting to know" everyone.

I have two little boys. My oldest is 4. My baby just turned one on the 13th, so I guess he's technically a toddler now.

I have felt for a long time that two children was the number for me. My husband is in his 40's, and I'm in my late 30's. We started a little late, compared to a lot of others, so our age contributes to our desire to be done. Financially, I think two is enough for us, as well. I have had baby fever a bit the last few months. I think seeing the last year literally fly by and K grow out of the baby phase too quickly for my liking made it worse. That said, it will be nice when he's a little older and more independent so it's easier to do things.

I, too, feel I am better suited to be a working mom. I have a lot of time off with my boys that I love. However, I feel I get stagnant as a person and mom when I'm off for too long.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I have two beautiful girls aged 2.5 and 1, I always wanted two children and have yet to feel the desire for a third. I also had several miscarriages before having the girls so appreciate the fragility and stress involved with pregnancy.

I hope you find the answer to your dilemma Tricia.

cciele

Veteran

I have two girls, 7 and 4.5. I am from a two-kid family, and so is my husband, so I always thought 2 was the right number. I'm really happy with two, although my ovaries still twinge when I see a newborn. But my age (44) and energy level (barely enough to keep up) has made me determine absolutely that we are done with two. I can see why biologically (from an energy and health standpoint) we're made to have children when we are younger.

It's such a hard question to answer, Tricia. I don't know if there is a right answer, but I think whatever you decide, you'll be able to handle with aplomb!

Lori

Veteran

I have two boys ages 6 and 2, and we are definitely done. I am also 41. When my oldest was 3, and I was just getting my groove back, I got pregnant again unintentionally. I had a hard time the first couple of months into the pregnancy because I had really just made peace with the fact that we were going to have only one child and we were really starting to gel and get things going in a very positive direction. Once the little guy was born, I was totally in love with him, but the first year to year and half was probably the hardest of my life (and on my marriage), but we are again settling into being a family of four and things have started to feel a bit normal again, not the normal I felt with one child, but a new version of normal. My "groove" is slowing working it's way back, and I'm starting to feel like more than just Mommy. I also work f/t outside of our home, and I find that I just do not have enough time to do all that I would like to and am spread so very thin, and one of the things I said when we decided we were going to start our family was that I did not want any more children than I had time for. I came from a blended family that ended up with 7 children, and I never felt my Mom had enough time to really have quality time to spend with each of us, and I never want my kids to feel that way, so that is another reason we chose to have a smaller family.

Louise

Veteran

It's wonderful hearing all your stories and reasons for your number of kids. I currently have no desire for kids (working with them has that effect but have always imagined myself with 2. I'm 30 this year and BF and I have been together 10 years!! I suppose i we should get on with it! x

londonkiwi (now back in NZ)

Veteran

Like Louise, I have enjoyed getting to know everyone a little better as well and like Louise, I don't have any children.

I will be 32 this year, and have been with my husband of 6 years since we were 19. I don't think that I will be pregnant until I am at least 33. I don't regret waiting to have children. I don't think that I would have been able to move to the UK, change career paths or do the additional study that I have done with children. All going well, I think that we will end up with a very small gap between children, but I know that given the science behind fertility we might be lucky to even have one.

shana

Veteran

I have two sons, 6 and 2 just like Lori! My husband and I always wanted three but alas infertility reared its ugly head and we count ourselves blessed that in 8 years of trying, we ended up with two without any medical intervention. In fact, we thought that one was all we were going to get and were quite happy to be a family of three. Number two was a bonus (and to my eternal happiness he is a total mama's boy!). My last pregnancy turned out to be high-risk (pre-eclampsia) so we are done. Honestly, at 37, I feel too old to go through it all again! I do admit, however, that I felt my ovaries twinge a bit when I was holding my cousin's baby last week!

Oh, I wanted to add, my greatest regret is not having started sooner. My husband and I have been together since I was 22 and knowing what I know now, I would not have waited so long.

taylor

Veteran

Well, having 2 grown children, I was 26 and 28 when they were born,and now being on the other side, I always wanted 4, however I am glad we stuck with 2.
With just 2 years between my children I can only tell you that between sports ,cheerleading camps, proms, cars , cell phones etc. high school and college...it was extremely expensive. Not to put a dollar figure, but something to consider:)

AJ

Veteran

I have 3 kids. Two boys (11 & 9) and a girl (6). I got married when I was 21 and my husband and I waited 7 years before embarking on parenthood. We enjoyed not knowing the gender of each of the first two babies. After the second boy, I was ready for a girl so we did find out when I was pregnant with the third, just so I could mentally prepare myself if there was to be more testosterone invading my home. LOL!
So since we finally got our girl, we are done. Since I'm 40 now, I don't want to muster the patience to deal with late night feedings, lack of sleep, diapers and potty training all over again.
I will say that I don't regret waiting 7 years to have kids. I think hubby and I definitely needed that time to build our relationship and enjoy just focusing on each other. But in retrospect, I wish we had another girl for my little one to confide in and count on during the tough teen and young adult years. I'm working on building that trusting relationship with her but I suspect there will always be things you just don't want to discuss with your mother.

Theresa

(website)

Veteran

Wow this is so interesting hearing everyone's perspectives and family stories.

I have two girls - 5 (6 in July) and 4 in April - 20 months between them.

Both pregnancies were hard - I lost part of my placenta with #1 and was on strict rest for the rest of the pregnancy only to have her at 36wks via c/s due to Intra Uterine Growth Retardation. Then with #2, I bled for over a month at the start of the 2nd tri, then went into pre-term labour at 27wks, and thanks to strict rest again and meds, I had her at 38wks also via c/s. Both were breech too.

THEN, they were both quite bad refluxers, have so many allergies that everything they eat is cooked by me so I can elimimnate the allergens, and my youngest has a sensory processing disorder and is being assesed over this year for mild autism/aspergers syndrome.

Not surprisingly, this all took an enormous toll on our marriage and it ended late 2008 - we'd been together 11yrs and married for 7. But we get on really well - probably better now, so its much better and everyone is happier.

So after all that, I have to say I'm not keen on the prospect of having any more children at all... However, I'm only 30, and if I were to meet someone else who really wanted children, I would consider it... but I'd have to know it was the right thing for me before I could agree to it.

To be completely honest though... after the past 6+ years of pregnancy and child-rearing I'm feeling quite selfish and I can't see me wanting to give up my chance at "getting my groove back" so to speak, anytime soon. I like having a wine after the girls are in bed, and being able to wear nice clothes/jewellery without worrying about them all getting covered in vomit stains or broken LOL

And for me personally, this year is proving to be a fantastic year for me - #1 started school, and #2 started kindy - so I now have 2 full days per week just for myself, and I am really able to start taking care of me - hence joining YLF and bombarding you all with posts LOL

But, its hard at times - on kindy days I really need to have both girls in different places at the same time, and obviously I can't do that by myself, so #2 is just going to be late to kindy. And I know this is only going to get worse as they get older and they have conflicting interests and schedules... 20mths difference in age was probably not the best idea given my current situation - but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Its such a personal thing though and everyone experiences show just how different our lives are - if my girls had been from perfect pregnancies and then been healthy bubba's, I may feel very differently...

So for right now, I'm loving having a house with just my two little girls and me, but when they are teenagers I may want to move out LOL

Queen Mum

Veteran

how fun to get to read everyones' stories!
We have 4 boys- 13, 14, 16 and 18(in 2 weeks). We knew we wanted 3 and while we were debating whether to go for #4, found out #4 was on the way! I was very fortunate to have the easiest pregnancies in the world. I've loved raising my boys, and now that they are all teenagers I am having fun "getting my groove back"
now I'm guessing grandkids are right around the corner! now THAT will be fun

Queen Mum

Veteran

Tricia- I had 4 c-sections too and to comment on the logistics of getting everyone where they need to be... let's just say I'm counting down until they are all out of the house not really, but having teens is much more taxing than having toddlers in my opinion. But if I had to do it over again I'd do it exactly the same way. Each of my kids brings something special to our family.

Jean Gray

I have 4 kids too! 2,4, 6 and 8.
We both agreed on 4. My husband has said he wouldn't mind having more. But I feel like this is it. I thought 4 was a nice even number (maybe since I was the odd number 3 of 3 children!) And they can be good playmates. It's fun to watch them when they are all playing together...and getting along. (BTW, I don't feel like the odd number 3 any more!)
For me the biggest challenges are 1) Time 2)Energy/Patience 3)Childcare.
1) I feel sometimes that my children are shortchanged of good quality individual time with us but I hope the efforts that we make and the benefits of a bigger family will balance out or outweigh those concerns as time goes on.
2)I am not the patient even-tempered person I thought I was before I had kids. Up till I had my 2nd child I foolishly thought parenting was quite simple. That's not to say that either of those children were difficult, but dynamics changed and they both went through healthy and expected stages of growth that also made parenting less predictable! And with each child that unpredictablility factor grew more! I definitely yell a lot more than I'd like. And I'm a lot more irritable than I remember my Mom being. But maybe that's just because I was the youngest. I do believe you tend to mellow with your younger children and let more things go.
3)I am a SAHM and thankfully we've been able to depend on our parents mostly for childcare but as grandchildren increase in number we are hoping to open up some other options. I have been hearing about childcare co-ops where you swap babysitting within a group of families. I may look into that. And I think as they get older it will get easier to just send them each to their own friends houses.

I believe it is true that it takes a village to raise a child. Having a strong support system is a huge help in parenting.

I do feel quite strongly and surely that I would not be the best mom to any more kids. I know others can do it with flair but I know this is my limit. My memory of not getting any sleep for several months and the feeling of already feeling like there is so much more I'd like to do for my children now outweighs any desire for more. I just don't think I'd be as good of a Mom as I want to be to more than this and I feel, knowing my own limits,it wouldn't be fair to my kids to add another.

But if you are feeling an itch and your husband is still open to more than it's good that you are giving it a good deal of thought. It is a little bittersweet moving on from this stage of life. : )

I always enjoy hearing everyone's personal stories and it's fun hearing how families are planned (or not!) and formed. I'm glad you started this thread!

Ele

(website)

No kids here, but I wanted to say how much I'm enjoying reading all your stories. Some of you have been through so much, it's really inspiring to read about your families and how you handle it all. I'm 26 and would like to start a family within the next 5 years, but it will probably be the later end of that. I never thought I'd have kids in my 20's, but once I hit 30 I'll probably be keen to start. I'm already a bit baby-mad as it is I think two is the perfect number for me- I grew up with one sister, and we each had loads of quality time with our parents, and with each other.

An

I'm enjoying this thread! We have 2 boys, #1 is nearly 4 (can't believe that) and #2 is 4 months. I'm 34. We were married when I was 22 and started trying for a family when I was 26. I'm glad we started trying early because we have fertility issues and needed assistance to conceive both times. I think we're done now. Sometimes I think it would be lovely to have one more but two beautiful boys is really a blessing. If we happened to fall pregnant naturally (probably not very likely) then I would definately be ok with that.

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Two boys here, 7 and 4. Now that we're moving out of the baby/toddler years and into the school-age years, it's such fun to see them reading and asking interesting questions and developing their own friendships and interests. I am enjoying these ages the most so far.

Given my age, my husband's age, the expense of living where we do, and the distance between us and our families (too far), two is the right number for us. It's important to me to reserve time and energy for things I want to do in my own life, and two kids is about the max I can handle and still have a little time for myself, you know? But as this thread proves, everyone's situation is different.

Back to Tricia's original question: I do think you have a gut feeling when you are done having kids, so Tricia, if your instinct is that you aren't done, and having another child makes sense with your own situation, well then ... maybe you aren't done yet!

JuliaInGermany

Before meeting my husband I never wanted any kids. Now I have a 2 year old girl and a boy is on the way. Yesterday someone said that for our girl it would probably be nice to have a sister instead of a brother. My reply was: "Well, there's still a chance for another girl." I was kind of surprised by this myself. Don't know whether my husband would want another baby.

Well, anyway, I'll have to see what live is with 2 before thinking about a third.

Oh, I just remembered what my mother always says: that the second and third kind of go with the flow and are much less trouble/make less effort than the first. I hope she's right.

anne

Veteran

I think mums who have more than 2 kids are a bit underrepresented on YLF and that may be skewing this sample! I was so tempted not to reply and go to bed instead! I don't get much time for writing here, and often feeling a tad guilty for writing questions and not often responding to others

I have three girls, aged 6.5, 4 and 2. I think I did have a feeling that I wanted 3. DH and I both had 3 kids in our familys. I have decided that 3 is definitely enough and we have taken decisive action in that department. Like someone above said, I would love another baby but not another toddler!

I love our baby number 3; she is such a darling and pretty easy going.

However I will not pretend it is easy having three. I feel very stretched at times balancing the need to feed, clothe and wash for them all with having to actually take care of them, listen to them, read to them etc. It is not as hard as 3 x a first born, who is used to lots of attention, but it IS difficult.

I could not fathom the thought of working outside the home more than a couple of days a week (I did work part time until DD # 2 came along) at this point in my life. In fact I don't work at all but am kept quite busy leading a women's bible study, helping run a playgroup, teaching sunday school and helping out at school when I can. But even if I didn't do those things, I would find working as much as you do difficult unless I had some domestic help.

Mornings are crazy (and I am better placed than most, because my husband takes them to school) and evenings can be a bit tense too. In between there can be some lovely times with them all playing with each other. When I see the way my girls try to be friendly and helpful to little children who visit I can see the benefit of having siblings.

I do regret having my third quite so soon. My first 2 were 2 1/2 years apart and I think that was better than not quite 2 years.

One thing about having a fourth - I personally know several couples who decided to have "just one more" and had twins!!

Tricia

Veteran

Anne, I know someone who had two, decided on "just one more" and had TRIPLETS! :0

Thanks for all your stories, everyone. We have a few months before it would even be feasible to add another child, so we'll keep mulling it over and see if the right decision comes to us.

Isabel

Veteran

I want to say that one of the hippest woman that I know is a mother of four. So I definitely don't think that it is the number of children at all..

I have 2. I had no choice after the 2nd. It was a very complicated pregnancy and my doctor said he wouldn't take me as a patient if I got pregnant again. I didn't have a problem with that for a couple of years. Now I wish that I could have another because I think that my perspective would be different. I really didn't enjoy it enough when my babies were babies. They were only 16 months apart, my mom had cancer at the time and was undergoing therapy and my dad had a heart attack, and I had so spend 6 months on complete bedrest, so it was CRAZY..........but having another child won't take me back in time......

Isabel

Veteran

PS Tricia - we must know the same people ! I know a woman who at 52 became pregnant with triplets after arriving home from China with 2 infant girls !!!!! ( Yes, she has 5 beautiful, healthy daughters , all 6 years old now , and luckily lots of money for nannies ! )

Patience

Veteran

I just had my third baby in Dec. and it has taken me 2 days to read through all the responses, taking 5 minutes here and there. (hee hee) Before we were married my husband and I decided on 3 kids. We waited five years and after the first, my husband was ready to be done because he hadn't been prepared for the work involved. But I always wanted three and I managed to convince him over time, but our kids are spaced 3 years apart-- I don't think he could handle any closer. I used to work but with #3 I quit my job to be a SAHM which is something I wanted to do.

To me 3 seems to be the right number. I grew up in a family of four which was great so I knew I wanted a big family but I think 4 would spread me too thin-- my husband needs my attention too. I think if you have more than two kids you have to understand that you won't be your child's best playmate-- your other children will be. But I love getting to see the child's world they live in. I think if you have 4 or 5 or more children, you have to have the perspective that quality time is family time, not necessarily individual time. I have seen plenty of moms do a great job with 4 or more children (my mother included) so I don't really think there is a right or wrong perspective. There are just different perspectives and you have to figure out what's right for you.

It's really all about attitude. Yes, it takes time to find a groove. I admit that it takes me till 11am to get dressed. That's the luxury of being a SAHM. But I dress well because I like to. By now I know that this baby stage is so temporary and that I have handy skills with burp cloths, laundry, wipes and just plain getting out of the way so I can mostly remain pulled together and be okay with it when I'm not pristine. (Even without kids I'm prone to getting tomato sauce on a white shirt.)

My midwife told me over and over that #3 is a breeze and that easy third babies are why people have 4. I'm sure this isn't always the case and we're stopping at three ourselves despite having a chill baby.

It dawns on me that for all things you have to develop skills. If you have the skills, there's no necessity to abandon them but you may need to develop new ones. Eg I've learned a lot from YLF and having a baby isn't going to make me stop dressing well although I will adapt for my changing lifestyle.

Patience

Veteran

I forgot to say that I don't think that having more kids necessarily means less individual time for each one (to a point). Some parents of single children are still preoccupied with other things. Coming from a family of six, I'd say we all got our individual time (even if it wasn't perceived so). The other thing is between my parents and my siblings I had/have 5 people to apply to for attention which was pretty wonderful.

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