OT-kind of: What purchases do spouses hide from each other?

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Not the case at my house...I show him all my purchases, and he shows me his. Wouldn't change a thing!

13 years ago

crwilson

Veteran

Very interesting article. I don't tell my husband about my clothing purchases, explicitly, but he obviously notices if I'm wearing something new or packages start to arrive at the door. Mostly I just think he'll be bored, and since I handle the finances anyway, he doesn't care much one way or another. I wouldn't say that I hide, but I don't advertise the fact that I've bought something new either.

13 years ago

MNsara

Veteran

Love the people's stories at the end - secret checking accounts, never taking shoes home in the box, etc.

I do *not* advertise new purchases to my husband and he doesn't ask (our version of don't ask, don't tell). I live in fear of the day he might decide to keep pace with my spending :-\

13 years ago

Queen Mum

Veteran

Very interesting article. While I don't greet him at the end of the day with, "look what I bought today" I also don't go out of my way to hide my purchases.
He has no idea though how much my "things" cost. He probably thinks my shoes are $20 and haircuts $10. In fact, we were in the Rack the other day and I was browsing through the men's premium denim. He gasped at the prices.."Who in their right mind would spend $100 on a pair of jeans?" I raised my hand

13 years ago

Velma

Veteran

The stories at the end of the article are just unreal. Among other things, they suggest that the women are like children, without much impulse control or their own money, who can "get in trouble" for their spending--not equal partners with their husbands. I would hate a marriage like that.

My husband and I don't report every purchase to each other (although I do like to show off new items, especially bargains and thrift-store treasures!), but we both spend within a roughly preset budget and do not lie about purchases or try to pass them off as "holiday gifts." Never mind the money-laundering schemes, like private bank accounts--that just seems pathological to me, or at least very likely to threaten these marriages.

13 years ago

Mo

(website)

Veteran

the expensive ones! I used to trot out every new find but after a few years of, "don't you have enough clothes?" I started to just put them in the closet and wear them whenever without announcement. My latest green cashmere sweater last week was a perfect example. I'm sure the BF noticed it but I didn't say, "look at my pretty new sweater, and it's cashmere!". And therefore he didn't say, "boy what did that cost?"

13 years ago

Steph

Veteran

I'm with Velma on this one. The whole thing seems disturbing to me. I understand not showing your partner every purchase because he's bored, or because he's critical (i.e. "don't you have enough?"), but the idea that these women aren't "allowed" to purchase these items really disturbs me. I understand budgets and agreeing to spending guidelines as a couple, but then stick to them.

I worked for several years as an attorney at a very large law firm that paid pretty high salaries to the lawyers who worked there. I had a friend there, also a lawyer, who had to ask her husband before she made any purchase. I always thought it was kind of pathetic, but it hit a new low when she was mugged, the thief stole her shoes, and she asked her husband if she could purchase a new pair. She was making a lot of money at her job, and her husband made the same salary at a different firm, but he never asked her permission. Just yuck.

I have another friend--this one male, also a lawyer from the same firm--who would say he felt sorry for my boyfriend whenever he noticed I was wearing something new. I would always respond "there's no reason to feel sorry for him, I make and spend my own money." (In fact, at the time my salary was considerably higher than my boyfriend's.) I just don't understand this antiquated thinking.

13 years ago

Isabel

Veteran

Another great topic !!!

I am with CR or this one. I handle all the finance and my husband totally trusts me ( poor man ) and I am very practical. Sometimes I show him, but he has very little interest most times and his taste is soooooo different from mine. He sometimes blurts out things that demoralize me, so I would rather show him a complete outfit, then tell my mom !!!

For example, I bought, what I thought was a slammin' pleather jacket from Target for $15 ! I showed him as soon as I got home, "How Planet of the Apes, " he said. I almost cried, though it wasn't a judgement, it was an observation...so I showed my mom and then my sister, who then wanted one just like it.

When it comes to bigger stuff ( like a David Yurman bracelet that I am tortured over for $1500, he says, go get it, you deserve it and you are not a spendthrift. )

I don't know what to think of people who do it....I am pretty neutral on it. As long as you are not putting your family at financial risk. On the other hand, using it as a tool to control your partner is really a sign of much deeper things as some ladies have already eluded to. There are bigger problems in the relationship than a "secret" handbag. I find THAT very sad.

13 years ago

Kate

Veteran

Velma, I had the same impression. The stories at the end really rubbed me the wrong way.

My guy and I are pretty open about our purchases, even though we aren't married and keep our finances separate. Like many have said, I don't greet him with a "LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT!" but usually I will ask for his opinions on clothes before I cut the tags off. Honestly, I don't like buying things unless I'm excited about them, and I want to share that excitement with him! He shares all of his music purchases with me (instruments, gear, tools) and show me how they work. I have no interest in playing or building guitars and amps, but they're his passion and so he shows me everything, and I love knowing what he's so excited about!

It seems to me like a partnership involves sharing the things that make us happy, however mundane, and I don't think we'll ever be able to (or want to) buy things that aren't necessities or don't make us happy.

ETA: Also, I can't help but put in a plug for http://www.mint.com/ ! It's a free online budgeting site and I've been using it for over a year and a half now. It's amazing, and allows me to keep track of my spending so easily. I don't know what I would do without it! And it's available in Canada now too!

13 years ago

Steph

Veteran

I'm eagerly awaiting Maya's take on this.

13 years ago

Kim

Veteran

In our marriage we each contribute our full salaries to a joint bank account. I manage the money. The bills are all paid, and we each get a weekly cash "allowance" to spend as we see fit. So when I get some good stuff I'll show my hubby, and he does the same for me. We don't have any need to hide our purchases because we are staying within our agreed upon budget. It's been working well for us for nearly 25 years...

Although some days he's says he's pretty sure I'm embezzling...LOL

13 years ago

Marigold

Active Member

I think it might be different with marriages where two people work as opposed to only one bread-winner. I'm a SAHM, when I used to work, I never asked or informed of my purchases. However, as now I depend on my husband to provide, I don't buy things on impulse anymore, I miss it a little, but I never tried to hide clothing purchases from him. I order stuff sometimes (like 3-4 pair of boots to try on) without telling him, mostly because he'd think it's weird, the pair that gets to stay (if any), is worn out in the open, but if he doesn't ask, I'm not informing about every purchase. Stories about having to hide shoes in a purse or under the car mat (wow lol) are funny.
However, I did go through a slight stroller obsession a while ago, and went through 6-7 of them during a year. He raised his eyebrows at the beginning, but I sold some to fund new ones, and it became a light joke more than anything else...

13 years ago

Kim

Veteran

I was a SAHM for many years, (like 15) and during that time we still had the same arrangement. He made the money, I managed it, and we both got an allowance (the same amount for each of us.) I could, however, make the grocery money go a *loooooonnnnng way if I really wanted something more expensive...LOL

That was our joke...Just take it out of the grocery money...

13 years ago

Kate

Veteran

Kim, my parents have been married for over 25 years, and my mom has been a SAHM mom since I was born (23.5 years ago), and they do exactly what you and your husband do. They make budgeting decisions together, and both consult the budget frequently, and it works very well. It also means that they can spend money on things the other one wouldn't necessarily approve of (ex: my dad bought a $500 bike headlight because he bikes to work most days) because it's coming out of their own allowance, and doesn't impact the family budget. This system makes so much more sense to me than asking for permission before making every purchase (which some of my married friends do), and seems more likely to keep the family budget balanced.

13 years ago

wilson

Active Member

This just doesn't sit right with me at all, for the same "empowering women" reason Velma stated and for the reason that lying in any relationship, especially an intimate one, is destructive. I remember lying to my husband once early in our marrige about some very expensive vases I bought. It ate me alive for days and I finally broke down and told him the truth. He was hurt about the lie more than angry about the purchase & it made me feel so sick to do that to him. We got over it and eventually he teased me about it every so often, but it did do some damage that had to be overcome. We were both pretty hands-off about eachother's purchases but most of the time we knew what the other spent because we had been talking about it/fantisizing over it for a while.

EDIT: I forgot to add that the whole vase thing made me feel so awful that I can't imagine doing that on an ongoing basis. I would think it would feel so unsettling within the relationship.

13 years ago

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Um....guilty. way too guilty

13 years ago

Becky

Veteran

Never have, never will. I do think that hiding significant things in a marriage damages trust. I will say that the last 3 years or so that we've added a discretionary income line item in the budget for each of us has been *wonderful* for dealing with this issue. As long as I'm under my limit, DH is fine, however I choose to spend the money.

13 years ago

Isabel

Veteran

Interesting about the SAHM thing. I didn't even take that into consideration. I have been at home now for 8 years and that hasn't played into it at all - except that my clothing needs have changed drastically.

It is funny, one time I told my mom how much a coat had cost and she thought it was waaaay to much for someone who "didn't work outside the home" and she said something to my husband about it. My husband replied, " I may have a good offense ( meaning he earns well ) but Isabel has a great defense ( meaning I manage and invest it well ). I trust her to make good financial decisions. " I was really touched by that answer.

( In defense of my mom , she felt that since I didn't have a corporate job and wasn't traveling for business anymore, that I didn't "need" quality clothes as I wore before AND we were on salary down but two babies up... )

13 years ago

Aida

Veteran

Mmm I find it a bit disturbing if you're spending money and are actually afraid to tell the other. My husband and I are extremely open, it's one of the foundations of our relationship. I work part time, he works full time, and he manages our finances excellently along with my input; we pool our money and spend it jointly, he buys his stuff and I buy mine, and we consult together for large purchases because we like to do those things together. I don't have to tell him every time I order/buy new clothes/shoes (though I usually do), but I certainly like show them off as soon as they arrive

13 years ago

Beth

Veteran

I didn't read the article, but even if I wanted to (and I wouldn't), I couldn't hide purchases. DH notices too much:)

So I parade my new things and DH just groans and then grins and admits that whatever new I'm wearing looks pretty good after all. He only flinched a few times as I tried on those Frye laceup boots and then kicked my feet out in front of me in fun. He did, however, beg me to hold off until after Christmas:D

13 years ago

Category