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OT: i don't know how to feel.

hanna

(website)

hi guys,

forgive me, guys - but if i could vent here for just a second?

i've just been given a promotion at work. this is huge - i have worked very hard for the past couple of years, literally slaved to prove myself. i was hired for my writing abilities, but i proactively exhibited my design skills, made a position for myself, showed my worth to the company, and then waited and worked for the chance to get ahead. and it's finally come. i'm being made a manager.

and then, on the other hand, there's the situation back home. my mother is sick. i've been around the c-word enough to know how it operates. things that are okay become not okay very quickly. i couldn't live with myself knowing that i pursued my own selfish opportunities while she went through this back home without me.

so there it is. i'm so proud of myself, because i worked so hard and now it's finally paying off. but at the same time i can't stay, because i know going home is the right thing to do. so i've gotten my reward... but i can't enjoy it or work with my new responsibilities for more than a few months. and i feel selfish for even thinking of contemplating staying, but... oh the opportunities. the things i could do.

there was no point or purpose for this post but to vent, so if you read this whole thing, i'm very grateful.

General

22 replies

Latest reply was from Tanya

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

Oh, hanna, that is very bittersweet. Congratulations on your promotion - I am sorry you will not be able to really enjoy it...but you are such a good daughter...and your talents will still be there when you need to call upon them again.

*hugs*

Maya

Veteran

I'm really sorry you got such a raw deal Hanna. Just remember that this isn't your last chance. Your hard work will still pay off. It might just be rewarded in a different way than you expect. I'm sure you'll be back and you'll still have plenty of things to do and opportunities to pursue. You'll obviously have experience and a great reference, so there is nothing to worry about.

Focus on your mom now and when the time is right, I'm sure people will be falling all over themselves to get to you!

sinead

Hanna, I'm thinking of you and so wish things were different. But your talents shine through- no matter where you are, or when you get back to it, I know you'll do well. Sending warm thoughts and lots of hugs.

marianna

Veteran

Just wanted to let you know that I read. Congrats on your promotion... seeing your hard work finally come to fruition is very rewarding. Good luck with everything and I am sending best wishes to your mom.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh, Hanna. (((HUGS))). How hard and heart breaking.

First of all congratulations. I’m proud of you. You showed flair and reaped the reward. You are fabulous.

You are also a fabulous daughter. I have a few more quezzies though:

o Are you here on an H1B visa, or do you have a green card?

o Bear with me, but I don’t understand why this is a choice?

My Mum had the big C and died in 12 weeks. I too was living far away but went back to visit every weekend until she died. I managed to get a lot of flexibility with my employer at the time. When she finally died I stayed home for 3 weeks to help out my Dad. I was a specialist fashion buyer at the time and my job was secure when I returned. My Mum did not respond to treatment, but your Mum is responding! At least, that is what I recall. I think you should chat to your Mum about this decision. Perhaps you have? My gut says that you need to visit asap. I know it’s’ VERY far and VERY expensive. Your Mum might actually want you to stay on here and work.

rute

Veteran

Hanna,

One thing doesn't exclude the other, you can be a good daughter and go on with your professional life, I'm sure your mom understand that and you don't have to feel guilty!

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I think Angie's answer is very sound advice. If you can visit your mum to discuss the issues at hand in person you may be able to find a solution which works for both of you. If you do return to your family are your employers able to keep a position open for you?

Sending lots of hugs your way
Julie

hanna

(website)

thank you for all your kind thoughts.

angie,

i'm currently on an h3 visa. i was on my f1 student visa, on the optional training portion. my company waffled back and forth about keeping me until they missed the h1b boat, and so procured me an h3 instead, which gave me an additional 1.5 years. this visa expires in march. if i want to stay longer, i need an h1b, which they are already planning for.

it's hard to explain why this presents itself to me as an either-or deal. i'd say there are several things pushing that for me.

1. i still have a lot of residual guilt left over. when my aunt, whom i loved dearly and was very close to, was first diagnosed with breast cancer, i was studying in the states and couldn't be there for her through her treatments. when it came back as stage 4 a year or so later, i still wasn't there to be with her and help her through even harsher treatments. i was there for less than 2 weeks when she was at her worst. and i wasn't even there when she passed on.

my absolute worst fear is repeating this mistake.

2. going home for visits is not easy for me; as you say, it's very far and very expensive. if i could keep my job and still go home every week, or even every other week, that would be nice -- but since home is a full 21 hours away, it makes it difficult.

3. this reason is a little more difficult to put into words. my mom has been very excited about me coming home for a long time. i'm her baby daughter, and she misses me a lot. and because i've been frustrated at my job, i've always told her i'd come back once this visa was up -- and i almost feel like i would be hurting her by telling her i want to stay. this promotion has thrown my for a loop, because i never thought it would come.

perhaps it's ingrained in my background, but in some weird way i feel obligated to go home because i *am* the youngest and i *am* the only unmarried one, and i *should* be there taking care of my parents and supporting them.

i know i should discuss this with my parents, let them know what's happening. i'm not sure why i have -- perhaps i don't want them to feel like they're tearing me away from something. i don't want to guilt-trip my mom into saying i should stay!

oh i don't know. i'm still terribly confuzzled. i didn't sleep very well last night, so i'm going into work super early to get all my tasks done, then i'm out early to get some rest. perhaps more pondering -- and more of your sage advice! -- will help?

Ele

(website)

Hanna, first of all let me say how much I sympathize with your situation- I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. Also, no matter what you decide, 100 x congratulations on the promotion! It's so rewarding when hard work pays off like that, you should be super proud of yourself.

I think you really need to talk to your parents about this- let them know about your promotion and how conflicted you've been feeling. One thing I do know about parents is that they generally are very unselfish when it comes to their kids- they *want* them to be happy, successful, and out there living their lives. It might actually be more comforting to your Mum to think of you happy and successful in the States than having you right there with her, but feeling like she was holding you back.

That said, I definitely understand your feelings of guilt about being away from them. Both my sister and I live in the UK (our parents are in Canada) and I know they miss us so much. They were thrilled when I told them that my boyfriend and I were planning on coming home sometime in 2010. But now I've interviewed for a new job here, and I'm worried about how disappointed they'd be if I got it, and decided to stay longer. In your case it's that much harder because of your Mum's illness and perhaps the cultural things you mentioned (being the young unmarried daughter, feeling like you should be "taking care" of them, etc.)

If you do decide to go back- don't despair! It was your talent and hard work that got you where you are in your current job. Even if you can't stay, nothing takes that achievement away. If you did it once, you can do it again!

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

Oh, hanna, I'm so sorry. *hugs you tight*

I don't know if this applies to you if you are on a work visa, but perhaps you should talk to HR to see if you qualify for the Family Medical Leave Act? If so, you can take up to 12 weeks unpaid time off to attend to family matters and your job will be there when you return. Many people use it intermittently too, taking off days or weeks at a time instead of in one lump time period. You would first use up all your vacation/sick time, then kick off the unpaid part. HR can help you with the details of it.

I also think you should talk to your parents before you decide anything; they may be adamant about wanting you to stay, and if you quit your job before you tell them, you might be stuck.

That said, I do completely understand the desire to be home during this difficult time; I was a recent transplant to Chicago when both my grandmother and my aunt got sick and passed away, and I did not attend either of their funerals. Part of me still regrets that.

*hugs you again*

Alecia

Veteran

Hanna, you've received some really good advice. The other thing you may want to consider is calling the American Cancer Society (1-800-ACS-2345) or checking the website (www.cancer.org). It may be helpful to talk with some other people who are going through a similar situation and ACS would know the resources available for that. Perhaps there is even a group for expats like yourself? I'm not sure but it might be worth the try.

Hugs from me, too. You are a wonderful person, which is evidence by both your promotion and your commitment to your mom. Life can be cruel but we are strong. Sending lots of love.

Lena

Hanna, my heart breaks for you.

You've already received some excellent advice from everyone and I don't have anything wise to add.

I'm thinking about you and your Mom. I hope she continues to respond to treatment. In the meantime, hang in there, Hanna. I know a little of what you're going through.

Anonymous

Congratulations on your promotion Hanna. That is so wonderful that you created a position for yourself. I do not think your dear Mother would want you to give that up. My father just passed away from cancer in October. I had a ticket to go see him and he told me not to come because he knew he was dying. I know everyone is different, but perhaps your mother would feel better about being proud of her baby daughter making a successful life for herself, than about you leaving all responabilities behind to go home. After all this is what your as a family have been working towards for a long time.
But as I said all situations are different.

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

Hanna, wow, you sure have a lot going on right now. I know others have said it more eloquently already, but although its amazing to have this job offer, you are the one who earned and deserved it, so surely something as fab will come along again in the future if you choose not to do it now.

On the other hand, parents always want the best for their kids, so talk to your mum and see what she says about the situation. You're a smart cookie and I'm sure between you you'll end up with the right decision. Things like this aren't easy though. Good luck with everything.

jessica

I don't know that I have anything to add either to the good advice from everyone but I sympathize, too. My mother is in stage 4 and though I only live a two hours drive from her people ask me all the time if I'm moving back home. It's an odd guilt to deal with. Though my mom is in one place and I'd like to spend as much time with her as possible, my routine, friends, and support system are here, where I'm currently living, and those are the things that keep me sane. So for me, I'm hesitant to lose that stability, support, and normalcy that I might really NEED someday when things do get worse. So, I guess, while you certainly shouldn't make a decision that you'll then spend the rest of your life regretting, you have to make sure that each decision is a good one for your own emotional health. If you make a big change like moving, take care of yourself, too, and create ways to keep some normalcy with your closest friends, talents, and interests, and all the things that make you feel like you.

Jean Gray

Hanna, I'm sorry for what you are dealing with right now. Cancer is such a unique situation for ever person and the people in their family. Alecia's advice to find a support group etc sounds very good. My mom died of stage 4 ovarian cancer nearly 5 years ago. They were actually far away in Florida in her final months as my dad thought the nicer weather might give her more of a fighting chance. When I reflect back on it I think that she preferred not to let a lot of people see her at her sickest. My dad carried a lot of the load of her caretaking. I agree that you should let your parents know your options and just present it to them and talk it over. It may give your parents some feeling of empowerment if they think they can help you in your personal and professional life. There are ways you can help your mom and dad close or far away. Talk that over with them as well whatever you decide.
There is also a website called CarePages where people going through health issues can keep others up to date on what's going on that may lessen constant individual updates which can be tiring. The journaling itself can also be good for your parents. Check and see if there is something similar that they might be able to use.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Jessica, a lot of people just don't know how to talk about cancer/illness. Their questions may just be awkward attempts at showing concern rather than judgements on you. This is kind of a thin skinned time so be kind to yourself. You're in my prayers as well.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you - I don't have any particular advice. Earlier today, I'd typed something out - basically suggesting that you might have a lot more options than you think, and that the reason things are so stressful and confusing right now is because you don't exactly know what your options are.

So, I'm posting now - to suggest talking to to your employer about this. They obviously think very highly of you, and I'm willing to bet that something can be worked out. It's not necessarily true that this has to be an either/or situation. The thing is - you don't know that right now, and this is causing added stress.

Have you considered talking to your employer about what's going on? You're absolutely not saying, "I have to leave," but rather, "I have a situation..."

If I were in your shoes - this is where I'd go first - I'd ask my employer what can and can't be done, before trying to decide on anything.

Hang in there, and I hope this gets a lot easier, once you know what your options really are. You can't decide on anything until you know what your choices are.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Just wanted to add:

When my cousin told his employer that his Dad was dealing with cancer, they gave him three months off, 100% paid, no questions asked, and his job was secure. Furthermore, when my husband learned that his first wife had brain cancer, his employer said that he could work from home (telecommute) any time he wanted, and for as long as he wanted. No problem.

Sihaya

Veteran

oh Hanna - I am so sorry to hear this. Coming from what I"m guessing is a similar culture to yours, I can see how you would be pulled so strongly with the sense of duty that is instilled growing up. I would say that it's totally human, normal, and understandable that you are going through this.

Your visa situation probably makes this more complex. If there's a way to do this visa wise, my suggestion would be to explore taking a leave of absence for a few months. I am sure they'll have your job waitng for you if they like you to promote you right now. Congrautulations on your promotion! If not, then talk to your parents about how you might have to go back once in a while in order to fulfill the visa requirments but will be with them the rest of the time. At the end of the day though, if things go to the worst possible outcome, think about what will you want to live with and not?

medusa

Veteran

Hanna, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother! This sounds very difficult.

I would suggest that you find out as much as you can about the specific type of cancer and stage that she is at. There are so many different types of cancer and treatments, and treatment has come a long way in the last 20-30 years. She could be lucky, respond well to treatment, and live for many more years. It's hard to tell without knowing all the details.

I also second what Kristen said about looking into FMLA leave. If you're eligible then you could go be with your mother but still keep your job.

shana

Veteran

Oh Hanna, I am so sorry to hear that your mom is ill with cancer. I know how difficult it is when you are so far away living a totally different life than the rest of your family.

I guess cultural heritage has alot to do with how we view the appropriate response in this type of situation. I often suffer a guilty conscience as a result of not meeting the expectations of what my family considers my duty as a daughter, granddaughter, niece etc. I was not able to see my grandmother before she passed away and I still regret it. At the time I was a new mom (my first) and the thought of traveling with a newborn across the world to see my sick grandmother seemed too daunting.

I see it this way - jobs come and go, people are precious & irreplaceable. Look into the FMLA and see if there is any way you can take the time to go be with your mom now. Good luck!

AJ

Veteran

Hanna, I'm new to YLF but not to your blog. I am sorry to hear about your mother. This is definitely a tough decision. I don't know if this helps, but as I get older, I've decided to base my decisions on how I would feel about my life while I'm on my death bed. Morbid as that seems, I think at the end I'll be reflecting on the time I shared with my loved ones and not the worldly accolades or possessions that I have acquired. Having said that, I have children and I don't know if I would want them with me for every single moment of my illness. That I would expect from my husband. Definitely would want my kids there towards the last few hours but I would hope that I would not be selfish to expect them to drop their lives as soon as I was diagnosed with the illness. I expect my husband to be the one by my side from the first day to the last. Is your father capable of taking care of your mom? Is he disabled in some way and that is a big factor for you? As others have said, talk to your parents. I'm sure your parents will be just as conflicted as you are, but in the end, parents want their children to have happy, successful lives and they may surprise you and help come up with a solution. Worse case they say no and want you home, which you are prepared to do, but at least you know for sure that is what they want and are not guessing at it. I think they might be crushed if they found out later that you had a great opportunity in the States and they didn't know about it. Either way, they would no doubt be happy and proud of both your hard work and your willingness to step in and help. I'll be keeping your decision in my prayers. *Big HUGS*

Tanya

Veteran

I am so sorry to hear about this Hannah. Sending you big hugs!

You have already received some great advice and I can not add much, other than I completely understand the cultural requirements. Whatever you decide we will be there for you.