OT: healing after heartbreak - YouLookFab Forum

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OT: healing after heartbreak

cyan45

hi ladies,

unfortunately i have some sad news: my fiance and i just broke up, after 7 years together and 4 months away from our wedding i don't really feel like going into details, but suffice to say love made me blind to the red flags

i spent the weekend in monterey, ca with my dear aunt, who drove all the way from LA
to treat me to a few days at a hotel, meals and some major conversations. it was wonderful (albeit emotional exhausting!). my mother then drove down to visit when my aunt left early, and we enjoyed eating clam chowder by the seaside...

on the bright side, i feel i dodged a bullet and am trying to move forward. i have scribbled out a 'bucket list' of activities/things i'd like to try but never have yet...including singing in a musical/gospel choir, taking a crack at programming just because it has always scared me, revisiting watercolor and getting into graphic animation even though i have the learning curve of a gnat.

so many family, friends, and even a few former wedding vendors have offered their support and encouragement. i have never felt so loved! so, dear fab ladies, if any of you are free to join me for some retail therapy/distraction, i would love to have you.

i am trying to surround myself with kind, positive people in as many ways possible...and how could i forget the YLF family

time to close a door and open a window...

BTW: i am staying with my parents but am highly motivated to find a place of my own
within the next 3 months. i am on the hunt for a room or apartment rental in the bay area (san jose, cupertino, santa clara, saratoga, los gatos area). if you or anyone you know have any leads, i would be so grateful!

General

30 replies

Latest reply was from amyreh

MNsara

Veteran

Aww, I'm so sorry for what you just went through It's encouraging to hear you say the part about 'dodging a bullet' and I hope very, very soon you'll feel the full freedom those words give.

If I was anywhere near CA, I'd run right on over for IRL retail therapy. But we're all here for some great online shopping distractions

Take good care of yourself, and be sure to dress so you can feel fab about your style. It really can make a difference. . .

Kari

Veteran

I am so very sorry to hear this. Even if we mentally know that parting with someone is for the better, it's incredibly gut-wrenching to do so - especially after so much time. My heart goes out to you. And I think you're so smart to trust and surround yourself with people who can love and uplift you when you need it, people who can remind you that you are deserving of love. That's also wonderful that you are making plans to do positive, exciting things in your life. Moving forward to interests that you just haven't tried before can be so healing! But I also believe that it's okay to give yourself time to grieve what really is a loss and will sometimes feel like it.

Several years ago I had a relationship majorly deconstruct with someone I had been friends with for 8 years before starting to date- someone I thought I could trust immensely, who turned out to not be very trustworthy or compassionate after all. I was weeks away from moving out of the state to live closer to him - his idea - and already left my job and moved out of the city I'd been living in for years to (temporarily - I thought) stay with my parents. Despite that I didn't say anything about the breakup to our common friends except to communicate that we were no longer together, the majority of the people we were both in touch with dropped contact with me soon afterwards. It was not a fun time at all, but in retrospect I too feel like I dodged a bullet there. (What if I'd fully moved down there before this happened, for example?)

While I wouldn't want to relive the experience ever, I am glad for the strength that it brought me, because I know I will be okay and make it through if my life is completely uprooted like that again. I don't think that I knew I had that strength before.

I actually discovered YLF a couple months after the breakup when I was searching for something interesting to distract me that would not remind me at all about what happened, and I've been reading ever since.
Please feel welcome to lean on us and make us your distraction, too! Big hugs to you - you WILL be okay even if it does not (always) feel like it right now.

celia

Veteran

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. It's good that you know it was the right thing to do and that you have a bucket list that is amazing(and pretty ambitious )

If I lived close to you I would gladly join the shopping trip but am too far away.But you can always share your finds with us.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh dear sweet thing, I am so very sorry. This is extremely hard and you will need all the love, support and counseling that you can handle. ((HUGS)). You will need to process this news and take it one day at a time. If there is anything that we can do to ease your pain, name it.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I'm so sorry to hear this, but wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts, and that I think distraction (of the pleasant sort) is a really good idea right now. I don't mean 'denial', but this is such an emotionally traumatizing situation and you are going to be processing and dealing with a lot of 'stuff' right now - so any chances you have to take a break, a bit of a mental and emotional vacation, if you will - will serve you quite well. I guess what I'm saying is that when you get together with close friends and family, don't let it all be about talking and hashing things out - you need a break from the stress while this is going on - while you slowly, but surely, put the pieces back together again.

Movies, wonderful books, shopping, laughter and ...even listening to and paying attention to what's going on in your loved ones' lives - being an 'ear' and a sympathetic heart for them will help *you* a great deal. I know this sounds strange, but when I was going through some of the toughest times in my life - I found it incredibly helpful to go and listen to my Dad talking about his romantic troubles, to meet up with an old friend and listen to all of her problems with her Mom and her son, and so on. Five or ten minutes talking about what was 'going on' for me, and then moving on to their stuff - well, it made me feel better, because even though I was dealing with some major things and did not feel 'ok', I could still be helpful and useful to others, and it certainly helped me get out of my own head, so to speak. I *loved* meeting my best friend for a dinner out and listening to all her stuff, instead of feeling and thinking too much about my stuff, if that makes sense. I got a break from my troubles this way.

So yes, care and attention to what's going on for you, but being able to get a break from it all is extremely useful and restorative.

I'm not in your area, but as MNsara said, we're here for all kinds of online discussion, especially of the "fab" kind.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I'm so sorry you're going through that! It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job of getting support from those who love you, and that is so important.

If I weren't over here on the other coast, I'd definitely take you out for some retail therapy! As it is, I send good thoughts and hugs your way.

Total aside, but are you a graphic designer? That was my previous occupation (now photographer). Your list of things to try sounds inspiring -- great idea to tackle some new projects now!

Mochi

Veteran

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this, cyan45. This community is a great, compassionate source and while it's going to be an ongoing ordeal for a while at least, I'm hoping you will find some fun distraction (as well as support) here.

HelenInCanada

Veteran

Aw, that is so sad, cyan. I feel for you! Breakups are horrible, and can send you into a state of shock and depression. (I know, personally. And I'm still standing!) Obviously I don't know the history of your relationship or what caused the breakup, but it's a big life change to get used to. You sound like you have a lot of support, and a positive mind frame. You're already ahead. Don't be afraid to allow yourself to feel sad or even angry if that helps you move past what happened...but it's good to realize why you weren't right for each other and cement what you need in a future relationship. You're on the right track to healing and moving on to better things!

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Oh my...I'm so, so very sorry that this has happened to you. I cannot even begin to imagine. Take your time to recover while moving forward. And you know YLF is here when you need us.

taylor

Veteran

ohhh So sorry!
Be good to yourself...let those who love you, help you heal!
YLF family is always here

marianna

Veteran

I'm so sorry to hear this, Lisa. If I was still in the area I'd demand another Ethiopian food date! Take care of yourself and good luck with everything.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I find exercise, especially long walks and hikes especially cathartic.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Aww, you poor thing! That just SUCKS! I'm not in your area, but I find this forum is pretty good at distracting oneself. Oh, and I second Anna's idea to get out and move. I ride my bike to and from work sometimes and it's a great de-compression. I just let my mind wander to whatever and by the time I'm home it's like I've "processed" the events of the day and am ready to cope with whatever comes next.

Good luck with your goals...programming sounds intriguing. Are you going to take a class? Will it be Java?

Diana

Veteran

<<Big hugs.>>

I'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through... but on the bright side, at least this happened now rather than later, right?

I think your plan to immerse yourself in new activities and surround yourself with good friends and family is the best thing you can do. And of course YLF is here for you too!

cciele

Veteran

BIG HUGS to you Lisa. The end of any relationship is difficult, and it's great that you have the support of family and friends.

Would love to get together with you for some retail therapy. Or perhaps you would like to sing some karaoke? It's not a choir but lots of fun

Anonymous

Hugs, cyan. Please let us know if we can help.

Anonymous

Big hugs to you.

Amy

(website)

Veteran

What a heartbreaking thing to have happen. I'm so glad your family has rallied around you and is giving you lots of TLC.

Big hugs from me too.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

So very sorry to hear this; it sounds very painful and difficult. But I must also say that it sounds as if you are handling the situation brilliantly. You have a great attitude. And YLF will definitely be a good place to help speed your recovery. It's so important to look for moments of fun at times like this!

rae

(website)

Veteran

I'm not going to say I'm sorry this happened - if it wasn't meant to be, better to know before the wedding. As you said, it is kind of like dodging a bullet. Big hugs... may this lead you on to better things.

That doesn't mean it is easy, though. I'm very glad to hear that you have strong support all around you. I'm not in your area, but if you ever need to get out of dodge and visit your aunt in LA, I'm down here, too.

Good luck to you on finding your own place and spending some quality time with yourself, doing all those exciting things on your bucket list. I just know you will emerge from this in stellar fashion. XOXO

Anonymous

Group hug, move over I'm joining in! I am so sorry for this breakup. We will try to distract you as best we can. Too bad I'm a bit too far away for some IRL shopping. I hope each day is a little bit better than the one before.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Aww, so sorry Cyan! What a huge shock. You are right that it's better to find out now, but still allow yourself the time to process and grieve. But you have such a positive attitude and spirit that I know you will make it through this stressful time and become even stronger and happier than you were before. Your family, friends and all of us at YLF are here to support you! Let me know if you're interested in meeting up for some retail therapy sometime. Maybe it's about time for a Bay Area YLF meetup!

Good luck and hope each new day gets better and better!

Stephanie

Veteran

I just went through a tough break-up myself, and what I have been doing that has helped most--besides exercising every day, as Anna suggested--is really making a point of taking care of myself. I have been making myself healthy meals, making my bed, organizing things that have been unorganized, taking care of things that have been bothering me but I haven't taken the time to handle, etc. And every time I do, I think to myself: you're worth it.

Maybe everyone else figured this out way before me, but it really works.

LoP

Veteran

So sorry to hear about your break up, but sounds like you are handling it perfectly. Picking up new hobbies and interests always helps. And exercising is the key to coping with any crisis. It makes you think through things calmly and increases your energy level so you could accomplish your plans.

Sally

Veteran

Sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself ...exercise and healthy food as others suggested. As one door closes, another one opens.

kimlee

Veteran

Sending you a big hug and lots of happy thoughts! Just remember that we will be hear for you as you move forward!

rachylou

Veteran

Aww. We should do a Bay Area meetup... If anybody has a Sunday free?

Karina

Oh, dear. Even thought it's WONDERFUL you "dodged a bullet," it is a painful loss nonetheless. I am new to YLF, but I want to send my (((HUGS))) to you, too.
I would certainly join you for retail therapy, as I am from the Bay Area, but I now live in Los Angeles.
It's fantastic you have such great family support, and take your low emotional days - as they are likely to surely come! - knowing that, as my mother always says, "this, too, shall pass."

cyan45

thank you everyone for your kind words, thoughts, support, hugs... i have taken to note all of your advice, and hope to keep them close during the dark days.

if anyone is up for a meet up, and if weekends work for you, that would be great. i'd prefer something kind of local (valley fair, downtown los gatos) but am of course open to malls a little farther (oakridge, stanford mall, etc...)

no need to rush, just whatever works with everyone's schedules...
thanks so much again.

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