OT: do I have the right to feel hurt? - YouLookFab Forum

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OT: do I have the right to feel hurt?

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I bought a fantastic pram when I was pregnant with Teah (DD1), it took six months of saving for Ben and I to purchase it and I really did love it.

When Emmy (DD2) was born the pram was redundant, I needed a double, there was no alternative. I considered selling my pram but my Sister had found out she was pregnant and was to become a single Mum, for me it was a no brainer the pram was given to her.

A year on and she no longer has need for the pram so she listed it on Ebay and sold the pram for £200.

Ben is furious, we no longer need the double and could have used the pram again for Emmy, plus £200 is a lot of money and may have made a difference to us getting a holiday this year.

I feel hurt but petty at the same time, do I raise this with my Sister? Do I even have the right to feel hurt, after all I did give her the pram?

Please excuse my ranting but I really could use some perspective.

General

20 replies

Latest reply was from

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

You always have the right to feel however you feel- those are your feelings. However, I would *not* bring it up to the sister if it were me. To me, a gift always implies no strings. You gave it to her, and she can do with it as she wishes. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt over this.

taylor

Veteran

Oh , this is touchy when it comes to family isn't it.
Yes, I would be hurt and a little miffed if someone makes a profit off a gift from you. She should have offered it back first or split the profit, however I have come to realize in life that few people see things as I do and we must choose our battles

I had a similar thing when I gave a friend all my baby stuff, crib, playpen, highchair and double stroller. She sold them all at a garage sale...I let it go ...and remained friends for many years after....I guess you can't put a price on that.

Queen Mum

Veteran

I completely understand your hurt and your husband's anger. I'm guessing though that in your sister's mind, you gave the pram to her so it was hers to do as she wished with. Granted, I would have certainly expected her to atleast ask if I wanted it back and ask permission to sell it... but one thing I have learned in life is that unspoken expectations can cause more problems than anything.
I guess whether or not you approach the subject with her depends on your relationship with her. And you have to really consider if the $$ is worth the potential damage to your relationship.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Thank you Khris, I do like your logic on this, your argument is exactly what my head tells me but yet I feel hurt.

Taylor, I would not risk my Sister's friendship for anything and she does need the money more than me.

Queenie, an unspoken expectation exactly sums this up.

I guess I will sleep on it and in the morning it will feel a lot less important. I think I'm hurt because she did not speak to me first and I'm trying to save the money to buy a single pushchair and buggy board for the girls. C'est la vie!

Louise

Veteran

Did your sister realise you were looking for a single buggy? If she did i'd be hurt that she didn't offer you this one back.
If people give me things i usually offer it back to them when i've finished with it then there can be no misunderstanding if i get rid of it x

Debora

Veteran

Oh, Julie. So sorry that your good deed turned out this way. That was a very generous thing that you did for your sister, and sometimes family can be the worst offenders when it comes to showing appreciation. I know you must feel that you have been taken advantage of, but I hope that this does not come between you and your sister. You are such a generous person on the forum and I can see that this generosity extends to your private life as well. Hugs!

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

Hmmm, actually if it were my sister, yes I would be hurt and I would ask her about it. In my family everyone traded down or over all the baby equipment to whoever needed it, so no one would have considered selling it before checking with anyone in the family to see if they needed it first.

If it had been a friend, I would probably let it go because they couldn't have known it was sort of part of the family "set", as it were.

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

RoseandJoan I so absolutely understand how you feel!

I agree with Debora that sometimes family members can be the absolute worst when it comes to considering the feelings of others. I hope my own little 'sibling' story below makes you realise you are not alone feeling this way....

I had a fairly similar situation where my brother broke my microwave. (Well, to be entirely acurate, he literally managed to blow it up! You should have heard the bang!) This appliance cost me multiple$$s and absolutely positively was his stuff up!

Whilst being a tad embarrassed, ("Ooopsies, sorry!") he did not offer once to either replace it or help fix it (and he was staying with us from interstate, so it wasn't just a casual, common 'visit').

I was, frankly, amazed and saddened by the fact that someone with the same parents, knowing that I am at home with three little kiddies (so basically a single income family) could have this attitude. Did he somehow think money grows on trees for us, but not for him?

He also has not repaid money to me (twice!) which was meant to be "his" contribution towards a gift for another family member, despite me asking numerous times. Bluntly.

My hubby and I decided that the possible ensuing war that could occur over a couple of hundred dollars was not worth it - even though it felt very unfair and tough to take, given our own financial circumstances at the time.

I guess what I've learnt is this - Yes, I do love him and despite all my comments to the contrary above, he is a nice person and a pretty good brother. Yes, it has changed my opinion of him - but that is life really - people we love sometimes change for the worse and sometimes they hurt us or can be very inconsiderate.

I have, also learnt that when it comes to anything that could have possible ramifications for money where he is concerned, it is the very best to keep the two very separate. And hope the next time he visits, he doesn't blow up yet another appliance - next time I won't be so forgiving or noble! (I guess the whole "Fool me once, shame on you/ fool me twice, shame on me!" principle kicks into gear then.)

If overall your sister is a good person who you get along with (like my brother), I would probably be inclined to let the money and this situation go this time. The possible 'nuclear family fallout' really isn't worth it.

I hope maybe my similar experience helps you feel just a little less alone in feeling angry and cross and hurt and frustrated and ... well...... just plain MAD by siblings "behaving badly"!

Maya

Veteran

Well first off you always have the right to feel however you feel, full stop. One of my biggest peeves is when people try to invalidate another persons' feelings simply because they would react differently. It's not like their reaction is the touchstone that everyone else on earth must emulate.

Second of all, I'm guilty as charged of being in sister's position. A long time ago my dad gave me a big box of DVDs he no longer wanted. He had replaced them with higher quality releases and had no need for them. Among them was a series of Ingmar Bergman films that were not compatible with my DVD player, so I sold them on ebay and got quite a bit of money for them, but my dad was upset, though I couldn't possibly understand why. He had given them to me because he had a nicer quality version of them. Why would he want to hold on to the not-so-nice version when I couldn't even play it?

But he is an avid film collector and the reason he gave these to me and not some stranger was because he wanted me to inherit and care for his collection. As he accumulates newer releases, he wants me to archive the old ones, and eventually all of it will be mine (and my brother's, but this particular batch was mine). I didn't realize all of that. I thought he was giving them to me because he had a replacement and no longer wanted them anymore. How would I have known that he valued them so dearly?

So, the moral of the story is that I understand why you are hurt, just like I understand why my dad was, but I don't think sister is being selfish or thoughtless. As far as she was concerned, you had given her something because you no longer had the need for it, so she felt no obligation to ask you. It was a misunderstanding and nothing more. Perhaps in the future when you give her something, you can gently let her know to give it back to you whenever she has outlived her use for it.

shana

Veteran

Julie, I hope that by the time that you wake up, you feel better about this situation. I think you have every right to feel hurt. I have been in similar situations and it's so difficult - on one hand, you feel petty saying something and run the risk of damaging the relationship and on the other hand, if you don't say anything, you may end up with a festering grudge. These days, I have become a bit more careful about lending out things that are valuable to me and I always make it clear up front what my expectations are. Even so, most of the time, I mentally prepare myself for the fact that it might very well be a gift rather than a loan. On the flip side, I try never to borrow anything because I can be a scatter brain and am afraid that I may forget and never return the item and be on the receiving end of the grudge!!

I think you probably need to let this go. If the topic comes up, maybe you can make a subtle comment (knowing how sweet you are, I'm sure it wouldn't be a snarky dig like I would be tempted to make) along the lines of how you could have used it had you known that she was finished with it. But like you said, it was a gift so from her perspective, she probably felt that she was entitled to do with it what she likes.

Isabel

Veteran

I agree with the other ladies, you should let it go. If you gave her the pram in an effort to help her out as a single mom, it is hers. She probably assumed you wouldn't mind since you were indirectly trying to help her out financially.

I do think that the decent thing to do would have been to ask you and Ben if you wanted it back for any reason. But she probably didn't think of this.

Of course you have the right to be hurt ( I would've been too ), but you do not have the right to confront her on the premise of an agreement that you never had.

I am sorry.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh, Julie. (((HUGS))). You and Ben have every right to feel hurt and furious. I'm sorry that this has happened.

I'm in the "bring it up with your sister" camp. Situations like this fester and that's not good. As much as I believe in the art of self restraint, repressed feelings with family find some way of back firing later. You're in a tough situation either way: if you speak to your sister it's unpleasant, and if you don't speak to your sister it's still unpleasant.

If it had been a friend, I would have suggested what Khris has suggetsed - but a sibling is different.

Hope you've woken up in a better head space.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I've woke up in a much better head space, thank you. It is ONLY a possession.

Louise, my Sister did know I'm saving for a pushchair so probably thought I would not have used the pram again. She also knows I don't want another baby.
Debora, Kristen, Shana, Maya and Isobel, thank you so much for your perspective.
Katiepea, thank you for sharing your story, I'm sorry you've also been in this situation.
Angie, thank you for the hug.

I will probably wait a few days to see how I feel before deciding if I bring this up with my Sister.

Thanks again for your perspective.

JuliaInGermany

Julie, I am very sorry about this! I am constantly receiving and giving away baby clothes and equipment from and to friends. I consider everything a loan and give it back when I'm done. I think that "you can have it" does not mean it is a gift that you can dispose of however you like. It wouldn't even enter my head to sell something that someone else gave me. But of course everyone is different.

That said I am with Angie and would bring it up with your sister. I'd wait a few days to calm down and then tell her in a friendly way that your were hurt and that you could have used the money for a pushchair. I'd tell her that it is ok now but that perhaps next time she might act differently. I think it can be done without picking a fight or hurting (more) feelings.

Kristine

Veteran

I can understand how you feel, I think I would feel the same way. But this could hurt your relationship which is far more important than a pram. Even if you're initial reaction was to be hurt, you can decide how you'll feel about this. I'd make the deliberate decision to let it go and not be hurt. The other possibility is to bring it up with her in a gentle way. The worst thing you can do is stew about it secretly, which will erode your relationship.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Pregnantmom and Kristine, thank you so much for your responses, after sleeping on this I did gain better perspective. My Sister is so sweet, she would not have meant to hurt us nor would she have meant to take our gift for granted. She is a single mum who needs the money more than us.

I may mention in a gentle way that it would have been nice to have been consulted but I do not begrudge her the money.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

You are the sweet one, Julie. Your sister is blessed to have you as her loving sis :0)

Glad you're feeling better about the whole situation.

chellebrate

I'm sorry. I'm glad you're feeling better this morning. Just letting your sister know your feelings might make you feel even better.

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

I'm so glad that you are feeling better about this Julie. It's no fun at all to feel the way you did earlier. You sound like you are a very lovely, caring and considerate sister. x

Anonymous

My uncle who is a third of a set of triplets, let his brother and wife live in a condo in CA and then signed the whole thing over to them to give them a better start in life. When uncle #2 and wife decided to move to another state to be near kids they sold the condo, took the profit and left thinking nothing about it. Uncle #1 was perturbed and hurt but what could he say, he had given them the condo thinking they were needy and they could live there.
This story ran through the family like wild fire with everyone saying how terrible it was for them to sell the condo given to them, but in my heart I thought if it was given then they have the right to do what they wish with their property.
I do think that the profit should have been shared in both their case and in your case. I'm sure I would offer to share the profit or give the kind giving person all of the profit. In fact I'm sure I would call the giver and ask if they would like to have it back before selling.
But all of this is neither here nor there. I'm with Angie in bringing it up to your sister rather than letting it fester for years. At least you can talk it through and maybe she will give you some of the profit.
In your sisters defense, she knew you were done with the pram so there was no need to ask if you wanted it back.
Best of luck with this sticky situation Julie.