O/T dining (or going out) alone as a female - YouLookFab Forum

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O/T dining (or going out) alone as a female

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I am debating heading to a place down the street for a hamburger and a beer. Interestingly, they only offer a $2 burger special at the bar, not at the dining tables. Now, I am a bartender and I socialize with a lot of bartenders and am very comfortable sitting at a bar. But the other day my mother made a comment to the effect of, "I don't go out by myself" when I suggested she take herself out to a nice lakefront restaurant for a drink on Mother's day. I wonder if that is because of her age, or if many women feel inappropriate going into a bar or restaurant alone? Is this unwittingly seen as trolling for men? Is it just a confidence issue? What's at play here? And if you saw me saddle up for a burger and beer what would you think? And is what I am wearing likely to change your opinion of why I'm there? (FWIW I will be wearing my WIW semi tuck)

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33 replies

Latest reply was from RoseandJoan

Queen Mum

Veteran

definitely what you choose to wear will convey a message... I think your semi-tuck is safe. I would think the bar would be the most likely place that one would choose to sit when dining alone, so honestly I wouldn't think much of it. And ordering a burger and beer in your casual outfit will convey a different message than ordering a cocktail wearing club wear.
I say go for it... you know you're not trolling for men, and if anyone tries to hit on you, I'm sure you can take care of yourself.

kitty400

While I don't have much time for the bar I have gone to restaurants alone and been quite comfortable doing it. I think its a confidence issue for a lot of women. I see no problem with you going out alone to get a beer and burger.

Kate

Veteran

I've been thinking about this myself, and for more than just dining. My guy is out of town, and will be for the next month or so, and I've been wondering if I should take advantage of this opportunity to go do more things by myself. I think there are a ton of different variables that will play into how others perceive you when doing things on your own.

I don't think twice about going to the grocery store by myself (no matter what I'm wearing), but if I were going to eat out or see a movie by myself, I would put a lot more thought into it. I wouldn't want to wear something that gave the impression that I was trying to find a guy, or had been stood up. I would want to look approachable enough so that I could meet people and possibly make new friends, but wouldn't want to be approached by men looking for a date.

I think having a wedding ring makes a world of difference too. If I saw a woman with a ring on her finger getting a burger and beer by herself, I would never imagine that she was trying to pick up guys (though I might wonder where her hubby was). I think some women end up wearing fake engagement/wedding rings so that they can go places by themselves and limit being perceived or approached in ways that they don't want to be. That opens a whole new can of worms...

I guess the time of day would matter too - I would feel more comfortable eating or watching a movie by myself in the morning or in the early afternoon, but I would probably be interpreted differently at night, especially on a Friday or Saturday.

Anyway, I say go for it and enjoy your burger!

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Maybe your mom is worried about appearing lonely sitting by herself? Maybe she would, in fact, feel more lonely sitting by herself in a crowded bar than sitting at home by herself?

Personally, I don't think anything at all of a someone of any gender out by themselves anywhere. I think there are some people who will hit on a woman who is alone no matter where they are, no matter what they are wearing (ring or no), and no matter the day of week or time of day. But, changing your behavior because of these predators just seems wrong to me! You certainly should be allowed to wear what you are comfortable wearing and go wherever you want whenever you want!

MsMary

Veteran

I think anybody who travels for business gets over the fear of dining out alone PDQ. It's either that, or survive on room service, which gets old pretty quick! I will definitely take myself out of a nice meal alone if the mood strikes me!

I also go to the movies by myself, although I do like to avoid Friday/Saturday date night, if only because it's more crowded and more expensive.

And when DH was working in NYC a couple of years ago, I went to all kinds of touristy things by myself, from museums to walking tours to Broadway shows. It was awesome and I met a lot of great people in the process!

And honestly, it's never occurred to me that anybody might think I was "trolling for men" anywhere, ever. Although if I were, it's not clear to me that there would be anything wrong with that. Isn't "trolling for men" just another (pejorative, anti-female) way of saying "hoping to meet somebody?" And isn't that a perfectly legitimate thing to be doing in a public place?

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

MaryK, yes, exactly. "trolling for men" (i.e. "hoping to meet someone") certainly doesn't mean "willing to have sex with strangers", although I think perhaps some men would like to think the two are equivalent. Ugh.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Interesting answers! I should clarify that I have no issue with going out alone, to a bar or wherever, but it occurs to me some do and that others still have a notion about it! I used to go to the dance club in the casino late at night in my early 20's by myself. My BF at the time was a hippie who had no interest in hours spent on the dancefloor listening to pop music. So I would kiss him goodnight and hop on the bus, to return around 3 am and crawl into bed. Not sure I would go to the dance club alone at over 40 . . . or that my current BF would approve!! But yeah, a drink or a meal is no problem for me.

Claudia

Veteran

I often traveled alone to major cities and stayed in nice hotels on business for many years in my 30's and 40's. Here's how I handled it and what I learned. I tended not to sit alone at the bar if I wanted to keep to myself, but sat at a table. Bars invite drink buying and social contact. Sometimes I'd bring a magazine with me so I wasn't staring into space, but usually not. I learned that if I gave off a vibe that I didn't want to be approached, I was usually left alone, but if I made some eye contact and looked like I was possibly open to company, that could invite unwanted attention.

The first few times I traveled alone, I was uncomfortable being out by myself, but soon got use to it. I even had some solo business trips to Europe in places were English wasn't spoken. It was an empowering experience, especially because I got married very young and until my divorce, was always part of a couple.

Maya

Veteran

Very interesting question.

I will absolutely see movies alone. I never understood the value in seeing movies with others in general. I don't mind it, but I also don't see the point. You can't talk or anything or interact (well, I suppose you could if it's a date, but it has been years since I have been on one of those, and even then I'd rather focus on the movie). No wonder it always requires a supplement (dinner, drinks, coffee, etc).

I have to admit that while I am much more comfortable being alone than most people are, there is something awkward about being alone in a restaurant. I can't speak about bars since I feel uncomfortable in them no matter what, but something about going out to dinner just feels off to me and I can't quite place why, especially since I eat lunch alone just about every day when I work. I guess it depends on what the reason for going out is. When I go out to eat, it's for company and conversation...not really for the food. So I guess for me there is no point in going out to eat if I'm going by myself. If it's just for food, I'd much rather go to a casual little cafe or deli or somewhere without waiter service.

It never once occurred to me, though, that this could be interpreted as "trolling for men." It's really sad to me that in this day and age women can't seem to exist and go about their lives independently of their relationship status. Would anyone accuse a man eating out alone of "trolling for women?"

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Maya, interestingly guys will usually pair up for this activity (trolling). My BF had one particular friend that would go out with him only for about the first hour until he found a gal to talk to and then ditch him for the night. My BF constantly bemoans the average guy's 'purpose driven' night out. They are looking for ladies 90% of the time when my BF was just wanting to go out and have fun with the guys.
Anyway, I'm sure my 20 years of working in a bar has my radar fine tuned I don't think of a gal alone as trolling, but as Claudia pointed out, some people do and even eye contact is seen as a go ahead signal, or others feel maybe wearing a fake ring of committment, as Kate mentioned,will ward off unwanted attention. There's no denying that some people see it differently than you or I might.

Claudia

Veteran

Right, Mo. I have spent enough time in the restaurants and bars of expensive hotels to see men away from home on a company financed business trip taking the opportunity to "play" while in town. Also, because of this fact, hookers gravitate to these settings, and they are most often beautifully dressed and groomed, or else management would immediately pick them out and have them leave. Unless these women had originally been pointed out to me I wouldn't have guessed that they were there conducting their type of business. Some men just assume that a woman alone is there for that purpose, or just looking for the same type action as they are. Yeah, it's sad, but that's the truth.

Kristine

Veteran

I would go Mo. You're just going for a hamburger and a beer, it shouldn't be an issue. I would never imagine a woman having a hamburger and a beer was trolling for men. Plus at the bar you can make some conversation with the bartender if you want.

I was on a solo vacation last week and, even though I've done lots of things alone, it was the first time I sat down in a nice restaurant and ate by myself. It wasn't bad and the food arrived very quickly, probably because there wasn't a whole table to prepare. It wouldn't be my choice to eat alone every time but I thought it was kind of fun.

Steph

Veteran

I have definitely gone to a restaurant, sat at the bar, and ordered food and drink while alone. I have to admit that there have been times when I have done so, looked around, seen a couple of single men, and thought "what's wrong with me? Why is no one trying to pick me up at a bar? I'm here alone!" Note that I am in a very long-term relationship, so I don't have any interest in actually going out with anyone. But to me, there's nothing wrong with someone showing some interest to remind you that you still have it!

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I often eat at the bar alone in restaurants. I like talking to bartender and overhearing other conversations. I've never had anyone try and pick me up either though.
Had one enjoyable evening at a fancy fusion Asian restaurant downtown listening to obviously mismatched first date next to me.
Plus when I'm by myself I feel less alone at the bar than if I had an entire table to myself.

taylor

Veteran

Claudia had some GREAT advice.
I have honestly NEVER dined out alone...I think that might be a shame on my part. For some reason I have always preferred the company I guess. If I traveled for work i would follow Claudia's guidelines...some of your common sense practices hadn't occurred to me until I read them!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I must admit I didn't get down there for lunch today. Mostly due to bad time management on my part! But I did get in 12 miles on my exercise bike in place of that burger.
I will have to now pay particular attention to what others' responses are to me when I do go, though. I tend to send out a stay away vibe and subconsciously avoid eye contact. Even when cocktailing I was never the gal that got groped - my vibe must have said "don't even try it". So next time I have a solo lunch I'll have to look around a bit more and see what reactions are

EDIT: and I think it may be interesting to note the different reactions in smaller towns vs. metropolitan cities. I've a feeling in a city you blend into the mass throng a bit easier.

Maya

Veteran

I don't disbelieve that there are women who are hoping to meet someone, nor do I believe they're all seeking a one night stand, nor am I judging in any case. I just think it's sad that it's ASSUMED that a woman cannot be comfortable by herself in a public venue.

greenglove

(website)

Veteran

I love to go out to eat alone and would do it at any kind of restaurant.
I am too old to look like I am trolling and would usually have a book or magazine.

I do it often in London when hubby is at some play I do not want to see, love to talk to people in other parts- pubs are the best places in London- do not feel weird at all. It is usually at a decent hour- I would not go late at night alone to any bar but that is just common sense.

afterism

I am happy going to a movie on my own. I enjoy foreign language & indie movies as well as the more popular blockbuster types. This means that nobody wants to go with me.

Dining out alone can be akward because nobody else is alone. I usually take a book in case I get bored bt don't always need it. I find the service is better when I am alone. Probably to get me out the door sooner so they can fill the table.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I find service gets really confused when I am alone. "Are you waiting for someone?" No. It's just me. "Too bad your friend stood you up." No, I planned on coming by myself...

I only troll for men in bookstores

Sally

Veteran

I used to travel a lot on my own and if I wanted to go somewhere nice to eat, often had to do it alone. Similarly I have been to the movies and the bar/pub by myself. I must say I did worry about the perception in a bar and that people would think I was trolling, but I have never had any hassle. I always take a book or magazine anyway.
My friend thought I was being picked up last week in the supermarket with my 5 year old son so maybe anywhere is a pick up opportunity these days!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Lyn - ha! At least he's more likely to be literate than obliterated
I know it's not all about whether you appear to be there to be 'picked up' or not. The other parts of the equation are confidence and/or whether it's an age related idea (my mom's flat refusal to go out alone anymore). I must admit I do so less often with each decade. Not sure if that's because I just don't go out as much overall anymore or if I'm slowly edging toward my mom's side of things [gasp]! I am not single and so maybe I take for granted that some of the advantage of being coupled is having a standing date and no real need to go by myself.

taylor

Veteran

Mo, do you think your mom may feel a bit vulnerable as she gets older...crime wise. I think of things like that all the time when I am out alone...guarding my handbag...not wearing too much jewelry.... after my children scolded me...because of the price of gold and by merely being a woman?

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Taylor, perhaps if she was living in a bigger city. She (and my whole family) is from LA and so Tahoe is small potatoes by comparison lol. I think it's a sense of appropriateness (for lack of a better word) for her. Last year, she did go to have a drink at a bar overlooking the lake at the end of a pier while I was at the dentist nearby, I just went in with her and got her seated and then went to my appt. She went to the casino dance club with me and some friends after shift even ( a few years back on a visit). But I think for some reason going alone to her is wrong on some level. Don't quite know *what* exactly it is that is wrong . . . but I don't think it's physical safety.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I am one of the people who don't like to go to a restaurant alone. It isn't for safety or security reasons. I just feel conspicuous sitting alone eating. When dining out, much of the enjoyment comes from the company. Without company, eating just becomes a necessity rather than entertainment.

I'm heading to Ottawa for the week tomorrow. I will have company most nights but suspect I will either order in Greek food or just have snacks on the night or two that I don't have a dinner companion. Or perhaps I will go to Rideau mall and see what shops they have that we do not.

Refugee

Veteran

As far as your Mom goes, it could be a miriad of reasons that she is uncomfortable going out alone. I cannot imagine my mom going out alone even to a coffee shop or teahouse in the middle of the afternoon. It's just not her. I, on the other hand, do not give it a second thought to going out alone. Go have your bugrer and enjoy the food and the possible interesting conversations that can happen with the people around you when you are sitting at the bar alone.

Scarlet

Veteran

I think that the biggest issue is probably at some level going out alone means you don't have someone to go with and being okay with that. When I moved to a new state and didn't know anyone I used to go to the movies alone sometimes. I felt self-concious at first, but then I realized it can be quite enjoyable. When traveling I have had some very enjoyable meals alone. I ate lunch in a beautiful restaurant in Zurich because if I was there, gosh darn-it, I wanted to try some good Swiss food. It was so funny because shortly thereafter another single woman about my age sat down at the table next to mine. After reading this thread I think maybe the next time DH is out of town I will consider going by myself to eat at the bar. I love sitting at the bar to eat, but he doesn't like it. I think a book and the right attitude will preserve my virtue

Claudia--what you wrote reminds me of a story I overheard from my Dad when I was a kid. He traveled a lot for business and was out for a drink with a naive colleague. His colleague was apparently completely charmed by this woman at the bar. They were deep in conversation. He asked her, "What do you do for a living?" and she answered "Oh, I come here to augment my income." And the guy was totally confused. I remember this story because it was the first time I heard the word "augment" and was trying to decide what this could mean.

Irene

Veteran

I wouldn't go for a drink alone in the middle of the night, but having lunch at a fast-food restaurant, or a nice coffee... yes! And with a great book to keep me busy I remember last year when I was abroad, and I would go with my flatmates to the residence restaurant for dinner every night. Somehow, some days they couldn't come with me, or they went earlier, so I'd go on my own and sat alone. It actually felt nice, being surrounded by people yet doing your own thing -reading for uni, in my case. But I think that was because I WANTED to be on my own, and I was not forced to.

PD: If you go alone to a bar dressed for clubbing, it will give another message. Mind you, that shouldn't necessarily be bad... depends on what you're looking for!

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

I think it feels less awkward when you are travelling, or not in your home city. Then, you wouldn't necessaily expect to have company. When at home I have no problem going out for brekky or lunch alone, but never go to dinner alone. I did go and see a band I really wanted to see that no one else did once by myself, and it was quite empowering. Company is always nice though. Does that make me hypocritical?

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